To some extent,I think what your SS is doing is normal. When young and in your late teens early twenties,some people just have a hard time transitioning and feel confused about what they should be doing.

Take a look at the Friends show.Yes,I know it is just TV,but look at how many jobs and stuff they went through.

I had a friend who was a lot like that,he started college,then quit,then started working,then swicthed to another job,then joined the military,then decided he didnt want to do the military either.Now he has been doing carpenter work for the last few years and loves it.

While I completely understand your frustration,and maybe you are right to want him to move out,I think he may just feel confused. Has he any training to see what he would be good at? Like a career assesment test?

My son, who is now 24, went through something like that for a while. He skipped a lot of classes in hs, but he graduated anyway cuz he was bright enough to manage without going to class. Went to college four months, dropped out. Sat around for months, then got a menial job for a few. Then went back to college, didnt finish that year again. Got another job. All the while living at home with me It was amazingly frustrating, and there were times I wanted just to KILL him. I can fully understand how you, as a steparent, are fed up and just want him gone. I can also understand fully how his dad keeps trying with him and doesnt want to p ush him out the door.

I have two grown children on their own now, and I raised three foster kids in their teens who aer also grown now. If there is anything I have learned about raising children, its that they have to find their own way. They do things that we KNOW are wrong, and wont help them to become successful, but all the talking in the world doesnt help THEM to understand that. Different people find different ways to mature and become adults, and for some, the road is really long and rocky. we know what we think they should do, but sometimes our way is the wrong way for them. They sometimes have to try on a few different ways before they can find out who they really are and what they really want to do.

When a kid screws up, parents should keep on believing in them, keep on loving them, keep on encouraging them. Too often our kids choose jobs or school programs that we want them to, rather than searching themselves to find what they really want. The only important thing is for parents to continue to encourage the kid, and remind them that even though they dropped out, or quit, or ( fill in the disappointing behaviour of your choice), that they are good people, there is nothing wrong with them, and that they WILL find the right way. FOr some reason kids need to hear that over and over, because at that age, they are full of self doubt and confusion. Its scary being a young adult out there.

The most important thing is the relationship, not his choices. Once the relationship is damaged, its nearly impossible to have influence in their lives. The boy is in his twenties, there is LOTS of time to fix this, its not a crisis situation. The choices he has made are not yet so set in stone that his whole life is ruined, which is what you and his dad probably fear. The important thing is to get him through this.

In my case, my sons father thought I should kick him out and force him to find his own way. I disagreed. As long as he took the time to try to figure out what he wanted, I supported his choices. I kept believing, even though frankly, he pissed me off.

He tried on a number of hats, and finally found one that fit him. He is now a third year carpenter apprentice, and makes more than my ex does. He lived with me through his first year, and then wanted to live on his own, so I helped him find an apartment, gave him the first months deposit, and he is now on his own. He has still some struggles, he had to learn how to manage his money, cuz he used to spend every dime he makes, but I can see slow sure progress, and I am very proud of him. More importantly, he likes his life.

He and his father no longer have a relationship, because of his fathers inflexible attitude when my son was searching. Conversely, my son, even though he lives twenty minutes away, still comes home and spends most weekends with us ( to do his laundry and raid our fridge).

He will get through this, almost all of us do. one thing you may want to have him do is get checked for depression. That may be present.

I have a mantra: I won't support adult children. I said it many times to my BDs and SD. We are all unbelievably close - I'm very lucky. One BD ran me more ragged than this boy. Once she got on her own - and I had to force that - we got very, very close and our relationship improved dramatically. (And believe me - I cried my eyes out over her!)

SS, well no doubt, he is confused and we think it will be several years before he gets his act together. However, DH and I agreed that we will not support him. Whether his behavior is normal or not, I need some space from him.

Kathline, I wrote my follow post before I read yours - which I've read about 10x and more to come.

Thanks - you are right. Having space from him would be wonderful, having patience would be fantastic. I'll work a bit on that. I'll start by letting him know we care, and that we know he'll be ok. (My tongue may start bleeding from bitting it though - kidding.)

Many years ago when my BD starting "searching" her way, a good friend advised me work on the relationship, not my daughter. I think you're saying the same thing.

It feels good venting, it feels better having some sensable support. Thanks.