Well, you know that little nagging voice in the back of your head that's telling you how much this stinks and how those kids deserve better, yada yada yada...?

Well, it's right.

Warning: You cannot change the ex-wife's behavior. This will continue and will get worse. Money will ALWAYS be an issue.

...and I wouldn't marry a cheater if he came with a million bucks tucked in his back pocket.

My suggetion? Move out. Take a big step backwards and evaluate the situation coldly and clinically. Decide if this is how YOU want to live YOUR life--remembering that stepparenting gets HARDER as you go, not easier. Decide if this is the man you want to father YOUR children and if you want to bring YOUR children into an already pretty icky situation.

I can't answer those questions for you, but I know from experience that if you have all of these problems before you marry, then they're not likely to go away.

The ex wife is enraged because the sex has stopped and the divorce now is really final. I think he did cheat with you...that i agree with vivian and i wouldnt' move in or marry a cheater. But the definition is different to all ...some accept what he did was ok...other say..nope...cheater.
Setting that aside, this man doesn't have the balls to stand up to his ex and defend you. Its not good from the getgo. When she said that in front of the kids, he should have stood up and said that money has been spent and it wasn't for the kids, the equipment will be paid for his kids but not now And that she didnt' have the right to say bad things about the new wife , she has done nothing wrong to you.
Yes, it will worsen. If he doesn't stand up for you now, this man has issues. Take a step back and really think hard if you want to continue this. Look how guilty he became. She can still manipulate him. He is not ready for a new marriage.

Sometimes it helps to put this in a different perspective. If this was your daughter telling you what you just wrote here. What would you tell her? I bet it would be run don't walk away and don'tlook back.

jupiterj, I can tell you if this is happening now and the kids are still young it will continue for a long time. I met my DH when his kids were older one in college and one a high school freshmen. The ex continued to make things tough for us until we moved out of the area she lives in and the kids moved out of our house. The ex and the kids manipulated everything to make our life together uncomfortable/unhappy. For example, the ex would have the kids call Dad on Valentines Day night over and over (about nothing of importance) while we were trying to have a romantic dinner/evening together. I found it funny. I could see right through there manipulating ways. I always tried to laugh these things off. I knew my DH was with me and we were happy together to bad for her (ex). Just keep in mind it will not stop and decide if you can handle this for the next several years.

Thank you sunnygardenerme and everyone else who has posted. I really appreciate your responses. I want to believe what sunny said about just laughung it off and seeing the behavior for what it is-manipulation. I just want him and the kids to be happy. I don't want my involvement with him to hurt the children and sometimes I feel trmendous guilt that my presense hurts them even though I always try to show them I love to do things with them and have fun. I know they have a mom and I really just want to be another positive adult role model for them. And as for my fionce I really want him to be happy and loved and appreciated because from what he's told me he never felt loved in his marriage. He truly is a wonderful man but I want to be true to myself also. I feel if I really thought he was over her and truly loved me that I could laugh it off, it's just his behavior around her that makes me question his feelings. I don't know if it's because his ex relationship she was verbally abusive and he still falls into the old pattern. I guess time will tell everything. I just wish I knew his true feelings. Once again thank you guys and I hope everything works out well in your lives.

Just remember you have rights and feelings and they are important too. You deserve someone who will listen to you and love you for who you are.

Something new I would appreciate opinions. About a month ago mt fiance and I planned a trip to my home town so he could meet the rest of my family. I asked him to pick the time that was best for him and I went ahead a requested the time off. Yesterday his ex calls and tells him that he needs to take the kids during that time as she has no one else to do it. He said let me get back to you and didn't even mention that we had plans. So I asked him if he still planned on going and he said no my kids need me there is no one else to take care of them. So I ended up making plans with my best friend instead and though I was disappointed I didn' t say much cuz I fiqured she was telling the truth and things with his daughter have been kinda strained lately and thought that these four days would be a great opportunity for them to rebond. Well today she calls and says that the daughter isn't coming now she's staying with her grandmother. I wished he didn't let her know that we had plans because then he said I thought you didn't have anyone to watch the kids and she said she never even asked them if they could and he told me he was going to ask her to ask them and I said no cuz the plans are already changed now. My vacation is for 7 days and now I can spend more time with my family and friends then I had originally planned. He said he would like me to still just stay the four days because he "figures" his ex will want the kids during his time that week since he had them all week and wants us to go away for the weekend. I told him we should just wait and see cuz "figures" doesn't mean anything and I'd really rather not be disappointed if it doesn't work out. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks.

Well all I can do is give you advice based on own experience. My husbands exwife would do anything short of stealing the tires off our car to mess up any 'out of town' plans we had, screw up Valentine's Dinner, and make life in general just unbearable. But we always managed to roll with the punches, remember it is NOT the child(ren)s fault and present a united front. Trouble making Exwifes live by the "Divide and conquer" rule of life. And my hubby's ex could write a book on it.

You also have to follow your heart. If something doesn't feel right chances are it isn't. This entire relationship sounds rocky. I agree with the post above - if your daughter were telling you this what would be your advice to her?