We all have our own set of circumstances...

17 years ago

I'm starting this post just to say that not all SMs are the same. Not all biomoms are the same. We all know that or at least we should. Sometimes you come across a parent that truely shakes things up, like the one posted about her lately who's X committed suicide and he had turned the kids against her, even at her time of death. Unbelievable.

I raised my 1st sd with her father. Her biomom was a mess, still is. Her dad is an active alcoholic. She is 33 now and calls me "Mom". When she needs advice, she calls me. When she is sick, she calls me. She is one of my greatest blessings in this life and I love her dearly. Was everything great when she was growing up....heavens no. I am thankful that she was willing to forgive my mistakes as a parent to her and she is thankful that I hung in there. She knows that I was the only one the tried. I tried my best to do what was right by her. If she had been my bd I would have been 15 when I had her. I was young when she came to live with us. I was scared to death.

I have 2 biokids. A son and a daughter. When their dad and I started the divorce he wanted joint custody....I didn't want child support. After all was said and done I got child support and biodad had his visitation written so that he picked the kids up every other Sat. at noon and brought them home at 6 the same day.No holidays, no summer time, nothing.I could tell you stories that would make you cry, believe me. My son won't see him now, my daughter hardly ever does......In the 12 years that I was a single parent I would have loved to have had a break but more importantly I would have loved for my children's father to have been involved in their lives. I had lost my parents to so it was just the three of us.

I now have a new sd. Her mommy past away when she was 6. I'm not dealing with the biomom thing this time but still working out some things with the blended family thing.We do work very hard to keep an open relationship with her mom's family and she visits then during the summer. I have developed friendships with as many as possible. Sending emails, report cards, pictures and such. We've been married for 3 years and things are falling into place.

I guess one of my points is this....be thankful if the X wants a good relationship with the kids. Work hard together to work it out for the kids. They are only kids for a short time. We are the adults and brought this into their lives. They didn't ask for it. Protect your kids, bio and step but don't ever stand in their way of a relationship with the other parent. We don't have that right.

I'm not accusing anyone. I'm just sounding off.

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Comments (3)

cat38
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
believer

Thanks for sharing with us..

Im going to start by saying that I value everyones opinion (even if they do not agree with mine). I am college educated I was married for almost 20 years, I have 2 bio daughters, 1 (19) and 1 (15), I stayed in my marriage so long because I myself grew up with out my bio dad in the picture,come to find out years later the reason why my bio dad was not in the picture is because of my mom... My mom was married several times and non of my so called step dads acted like one, he*l my mom did not even act like a mom from what I can remember, ( sorry I do not remember a lot of my child hood)... Nothing was important enough for my mom or dad to do with us kids, 3 of us all the same father and mother...

School, sports, going to the doctor, dentist.. those things my bio parents were never involved in.. we moved around more times than I can count..

When I look back I see why I stayed unhappily married for so long.. We bought our first house when my youngest was 6 months old, Im still here refusing to move for some strange reason.. My ex was a heavy drinker our entire marriage, he was abusive at times more verbally than anything, no I was not an angel, but I NEVER CHEATED.. Yes he did with my best friend(at least he says they did, she says no they didnt).. who knows there were others.. My ex was a buy me dad he provided everything but not his time... My girls were always in sports and school activities, daddy always paid but never showed up...

I went to therapy for a while to deal with my past and my marriage. After therapy I stayed married for about another year, My therapist told me I would make up my own mind one day and I would be done... Well I did and it was over... The first 4 months were bad we tried to not fight but we managed to.. I had to put a restraining order against my ex for a few months he was very angry.. and he said things that were bad, my girls were mad at me cuz he couldn't come to the house to see them... I filed for divorce right away, but couldnt serve him because I did not know where he was living.. When I met my new husband my ex called my daughter and asked for me to call him, so I did, he said that he (the new husband) was a nice guy and that I deserved to be happy and that he was sorry, I dropped the restraining order, and we get along great.

I am sorry things did not work out for us, but our kids are happy and every decision that is made for our kids is made between both of us..

Now on to my new husbands ex..
I really do not mean to bash her but she is a piece of work.. I truely believe that she has the ability to do the right things but she is so bitter that she can not do it. I have posted about issues with biomom before and I got beat up..LOL
Let me start by saying that yes my new husband cheated on his ex about 9 years ago, was he wrong YES and he is the first one to admit it. I was very hesitant in dating him because of that.. But I fell in LOVE... About 3 years after he cheated on the ex they had a child, he is 6 and is awesome... She has cheated several times and always blamed him for doing it first, the last time she cheated he was married to and she got pregnant. Well he left her I met him about 6 months after they split up.. she was living with someone, so I figured she moved on.. BIG MISTAKE..

It was as if she could go on with her life but not him.. She would never let him see his son, and when he did it was on her terms and if he went to pick him up and they argueed she would say (you cant have him now your to upset, maybe next time) then about an hour or 2 later she would call him back and say are you calm now, well now you can come get your son, now you only have 2 hours and if your not back dont ask to see him again till next week..

Well when we got together and she started doing this, I told him he had just as much of a right as she did, so he asserted himself and got over night visits and weekend visits.. He is a wonderful dad, very hands on. Hes soccer coach, he makes every doctor appointment and dentist appointment. He is at every school function.. So now her problem is that he is only a good dad because of me.. SHE GIVES HIM NO CREDIT..

now we are in and out of court over stupid things, the custody part is over they have 50/50 which works out good. now its all about money, mind you we pay for everything and she make 3 times what he makes... but she knows the only way to hurt him is financially. She lives with her parents, they watch the new baby she has no bills, and we pay for everything for their bio son. 2 weeks after the divorce was final she let the marital home go into foreclosure and when we went over to the home to clean it up, and cut the yard (we were going to fix it up and sell it or rent it out) she called him and said the house is mine and I am not signing it over to you and if you sell it Im getting the money, and Im not helping do anything... I swear this is all true... So I finished mowing the front yard and packed up and left... She then called the mortgage company and said I was living there with him and I was added to the foreclosure, yes I got served about 5 days later and I have a judgment against me on public records.... YES I AM TRYING TO GET IT REMOVED.. meanwhile I have lived in my home for almost 16 years....

I think everyone needs to look at the kids BIO MOM AND DAD BOTH NEED TO BE INVOLVED... let the past go no one can change it move on and be happy, bitterness only makes your kids unhappy believe me I KNOW...

Sorry about going on but this actually feels good to get it off my chest...

Well the saga continues... Thanks for letting me vent
believer
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Cat38....Wow! Just between you and I we bring a lot to the table don't we. When you go through all of these things, most of which a person has done on purpose, how can we not be bitter or have a negative attitude from time to time!!

Here's one for you.....My X's 1st life and sd's biomom lived with a man that molested my sd. The biomom believed the BF over her DD and stayed with him. A few years after they split the BF shot a woman 6 times in the face and then killed himself!......Even then I tried to treat her with respect and help sd work out a relationship with her....I was just glad he was finally dead.
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cat38
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
believer... thank you for making me think about this today... :)

I can honestly say that I am not bitter toward my ex what so ever... I spent 20 years resenting the things he did to me, yes he never changed he was and still is the same from day one... I do not want to waste the life I have left being bitter...

Sometimes I wonder if new hubby is bitter with his ex.. he tries so hard to get along with her for their sons sake... she just beats him down... I feel sorry for her, because even though I had a not so good marriage I was able to put it aside and raise my kids and share in every moment with them, and now I still share every aspect of our kids together.. and my kids love us both....

my husbands ex however causes so many problems that she is missing out on her sons childhood, being bitter takes to much energy..

BIO MOMS BIO DADS STEP MOMS STEP DADS..... JUST BECAUSE YOUR MARRIAGE DID NOT WORK OUT FOR WHAT EVER THE REASON WAS... DO NOT TAKE IT OUT ON THE KIDS... GET OVER IT YOU CAN NOT CHANGE THE PAST.... BUT YOU DO HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE....

I know every one has there own story and not everyone here is bitter, but at least we are alive and we have our kids bio and step....

We all have our own set of circumstances...

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cat38

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We all have our own set of circumstances...

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cat38

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