I hate to sound alarmist, but this is a potentially explosive situation, and you need to do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. She has already claimed you hit her, if she says something like that to one of her teachers, you could be accused of child abuse and encounter lots of legal problems.

You and your husband should seriously consider having her live with her mother and only having her with you when both of you are home and you are not left alone with her. We had a case in our community a couple of years ago where a stepdaughter accused her stepfather of beating her. They removed all the children from the home, he was basically considered guilty until proven innocent. It finally came out that she lied (because she was not happy her mother remarried), but not until much damage had been done to the family.

Yeesh, Ima... I don't know!

I know that disengaging to the point you have has been a huge struggle for you... And I know you love your SD and want what is best for her, so this must be very very hard.

Is it possible (financially and responsibility-wise) to take a few days off of your life at the moment? I know you've had your hands full with your SM's care and your own kids, but could you skip town for a few days? Get away to a friend's place or to a spa or somewhere?
I strongly advice that you take a few days to relax, recharge and enjoy a little quiet-Ima-time. I was burning out a little this spring, but I took a little holiday and I came back with a completely fresh resolve and outlook.

Other than that, I don't know what to say, except that you're a strong person with a good heart, and you'll make it!

I know I am not exactly in the majority on this but I treat my skids exactly the same way I treat my own kid. Has she had any consequences for lieing? Why didnt you make her wear the same jeans she had ruined? I would have.
I made my ss wash ... scratch that scrub every single wall in the apt when he wrote on the wall literally a week after we had moved into our apartment (a few years ago) He had already been warned not to draw on things and yet tada... permanent marker on the wall. I do feel for the girl and like you I understand why she is doing some of the things she is doing but at some point you have to stop feeling sorry for a kid and start teaching them right from wrong. Lieing should have a consequence... a serious lie should have a serious consequence. I would have taken her scooter etc away and told her she wasnt getting them back until she proved that I could trust her to ride them without lieing and manipulating. Someone has to teach her that these type of actions have consequences not only for her but for others... I personally dont understand the disengage theory with regards to children living in your home. But then I am also the mom that had no problem what so ever pulling over to yell at a couple of kids for fighting a couple of blocks away from my house.

take a time out ... relax and refocus. Who cares what mom says... If she were truly concerned she would do something about it. But, she hasnt. She just wants to b**** but not take any actual responsibility. Grab a notebook document lies that SD tells about you (like the hitting thing) just in case.

Thanks...

My neck literally tightens up when it's time to go get SD and I will try to engage her in a conversation and sometimes she will give me one word, short answers or say uh huh and look away. I know she's not comfortable with it either. Tonight, I had another talk with her and she was a little more pleasant. Of course I made her cry. I called her on some of the things involving the clothes and the pants with ink on them came up. When I was trying to get this new stain out, I noticed some ink on the waistband area and the rest was on the leg near the bottom and on the bottom cuff. What I assume happened is they were crumpled in her backpack because she changes for cross country. If she had a pen in her backpack, it could have leaked on accident so I can't say she did it on purpose. However, she denies she had a pen in her backpack. We only give her pencils for school. So, I took her backpack and dumped it out and found a pen cap. She says 'oh yeah... someone put that in my backpack.' and I asked her who would put just a cap in your backpack. She says she doesn't know, when she went out for snack, it was in there. (they keep backpacks outside the classroom on assigned hooks) She had her story that some unknown person came along when everyone was in class and opened her backpack and put a pen cap in there.... and she's sticking to it. I told her that when she makes up some baloney story and feeds it to us, that it makes us think that she thinks we are not smart enough to figure out common sense.

and I did tell her that I think she should have to wear them with the ink stains. I haven't thrown them away yet, I let them sit all day in solution to try to get the stain out but it didn't work.

As for documenting things, I have 48 typed pages of entries whenever ANYTHING with SD or BM happens, I've been writing it since we got custody. (well, actually since the court hearing but she gave us custody almost immediately after) I don't really 'care' what BM says or thinks, but it does cause us stress when she calls DH and b*tches him out and he comes home in a bad mood. He could care less about what she says too, but her calls still affect us.

and Ceph, I feel so guilty for feeling this way because she has only been back a month. I had the whole summer (during the weeks) when she was at her moms and I have had a break from it on the weekends when she's been at her moms.

I also want to make it clear that SD and her mom are not the number one source of stress in our life. There are other things causing stress so I am not blaming all my problems on SD but I do want to find a way to handle it better that I may not have thought of. I'm at a loss of what an appropriate consequence would be for the lying. She won't admit she lied and for me, that's the first step in making it right. If she doesn't ever admit she lied, then there can be no remorse or repentance. Punishing her is not going to make her tell the truth so that's also pointless.

My kids are no angels, but at least they are usually honest, I can usually tell when they are lying and if they get caught in a lie, they'll admit it to me. I can have proof and SD will still stick to her story. That is the frustrating part of the lying. Anyone have suggestions for 'consequences' vs. punishment?

I can relate to momof4, when I was with my ex and taking care of his three kids, I treated them as I did my own. I never worried that they would tell their mom or what she would say because she wasn't in the picture. I would also think nothing of correcting kids in the neighborhood and if another adult reprimanded my kids for doing something wrong, I'd reprimand them again when I found out what they did. I would certainly defend my kids if they were wrongfully accused or treated bad unfairly but like I said, my kids can't lie very well to me and I also know what is or isn't in their character. I think they knew better than to do something wrong at someone else's house. I don't remember many problems. (a mother's memory...)

Oh Ima, I've been there to a lesser dregee and I know how hard this behavior can be. Having a child with a mom (especially non-custodial, IMO) who appears to thrive on hearing bad things about Dad and SM is terrible because the child often feels compelled to say/do whatever they think mom wants to stay in her good graces and not have the time they have together full of ugliness because they dared to love their SM.

We seem to share a similar trait in that having people have the wrong impression os us is very stressful. It would really upset me, and still does to a lesser degree, when BM would think I was 'mistreating' SD in any way because of something SD had said, or a twist BM put on what SD said. When you do so much and try so hard to make the child feel like your own to have someone think you do anything but that can eat at you, I know. Does it really matter what they think? Nope . . . but you know that. Doesn't make it any easier.

I agree that some more consequences may be in order here, but I think they need to be dished out by DH. He needs to set more of a tone that this behavior will not be tolerated, and stick to what he says. You need to a) take the Ima time Ceph spelled out b) do less for Sd and let Dh step in, or let it go undone. It's hard, but when SD really felt a 'loss' her her life when I went on a brief strike it changed some behavior.

Truly, I think the realy thing that smoothed over our rough patch was time. Sd matured a bit and all of a sudden she 'got it' and things got so much better It really was just as I was wadding up the towel, too.

Hang in there, girl. Don't give up just yet. Just get away for a few days and remember the positives in your life. . . . like us!! :-)

Agreeing with the others here and I don't have much to add since I haven't had to be the SM of younger kids or deal with this type of situation. I think I would be inclined to treat her as I would my own and let the chips fall where they may.

The sticky you are in is the lying to her BM about you hitting her etc.. I think it is a good thing you are documenting these incidents/lies as they occur.

I agree think your DH should put his foot down and be the one to dish out the punishment/consequences. This should also help relieve your stress.

I wonder if your DH told BM that you've both had it with the manipulation/lies and dealing with BM and her threats. That it's time SD come live with her, if BM might change her tune and be a little more supportive.

As far as her threatening behavior to you, I know it's been awhile but if this type of thing happened again and including phone harrassment I would file for a personal protection order against her.

Yes, you need to step away, decompress and relax. Even if it's just going to a friends home where you can have peace and quiet for a weekend, do it. Maybe you and a friend could go get a massage, see a movie etc.. Leave the kiddies with DH for the weekend and go take care of you for a change.

((Hug))

~Cat

Is it possible to have your DH and the BM sit down with SD and explain to her that it will no longer be acceptable for her to come to either parent to complain about these little things that she is telling her BM is happening in your care? Obviously BM doesn't really believe her, or she would have done something about it by now. Your DH needs to help you get this under control and to explain to SD that you all know she is making things up.

I dont think there is anything you can do about BM except document everything. I doubt it will come down to any serious accusations.

WHen I read about your SD, I guess I see a little girl who has been rejected by her mom, who is desparate to find a way to make her mom happy with her. If that means she has to hate you, she will do it, to get approval. I am not sure that you can do very much about that either, as long as her mom is in the picture.

Of course, because I am removed from the situation and its not MY skin she is getting under, I see it with a little more compassion. You are angry and upset, understandably, but is it very important to you to be right and to point it out? The girl lied about the pen cap, but what good does it do to get her to admit it, or to flog it to death. I have noticed that many times, you or your husband will insist on going over the same thing, over and over in an often futile attempt to get the girl to admit the truth. In the big picture, something like a pen cap, or even forgetting homework is unimportant. What is important is the relationship. I bet it just make syou want to hit your head against the wall, or give up completely. You have admitted in the past to being a person who likes to be in control of situations. It must frustrate the hell out of you that a child of 9 can bald faced lie to you.

Is it possible that she doesnt want to wear the pants because the other kids are making fun of her for being fat and she doesnt want to admit to it? Is it possible that she falls down and pretends to be hurt because she wants some positive attention that kids sometimes get when they are injured. The forgetting the homework thing is very very common in kids that age. Their minds are not mature enough to realize how important it is yet. They just know that homework is unpleasant, so if I "forget" it, it is out of sight, out of mind.

Its also possible that you are stressed out with the back to school shift that happens at this time of year, and that in a month or so you will feel better. I would suggest giving up the attempt to get her to be honest for a while, assume she isnt telling the truth on small things, and not reacting at all to it. If she doesnt want to wear the pants, so be it. She can wear the same outfit all week, since she hasnt got something else to wear. COncentrate on a non confrontational relationship for a while. so that the two of you can rediscover the affection you had for each other at the beginning. Disengage from the bad stuff.

Then, if that doesnt work and in a few months you still feel the same way, then its time to consider alternative living arrangements.

You the help of a psychologist (or maybe even a psychiatrist). Your stepdaughter has some serious emotional issues and she's acting out in ways that aren't appropriate. At 9 years old, she's lying and destroying her things. What will happen when she's a teenager?

I strongly recommend that you and your husband take the child to the doctor for a referral to a good child mental health professional. He's be able to tell you if the child is upset because of her situation, or if something else is at work. Children do suffer from depression and if this is her problem, she needs medical attention. The weight gain and all the crying are bad signs.

my SS has had the exact same excuse.. Someone must have gone in my backpack... a bunch of nonsense. We finally ended up telling him that wasnt good enough it was his responsibility. (after about the 150th time) After a lot of stress and yelling we finally decided that we wouldnt yell... we wouldnt talk and lecture... if it wasnt done .. if he lied.. if he forgot stuff it was very simple .. he was grounded for the day. Each day was a strike .. three strikes no football game on the weekend. There was way to much negative attention going on. So I barely give it a glance... Oh you didnt write down your homework or you left it in class again.. well then you know the drill you are grounded for the day and btw here is some work you can do in the meantime. Maybe try the same thing with the lieing, falling off things, etc. No big reaction no big talks just you told a lie this is the consequence..sorry charlie. And I agree that DH needs to take a serious hand in getting the lieing and what not under control.

I hadn't read all your responses because I had a dentist appointment and was getting ready when my phone rang. It was DH calling to tell me he had just gotten off the phone with CPS. A report to CPS was made because SD was supposedly complaining about her arm and foot hurting her for a week and we didn't take her to the doctor. I took her to the doctor a couple of weeks ago because she got a thorn in her foot at BM's house and BM didn't take her so the doctor removed it. I don't know if he missed part of it but she says it still hurts. (She has NOT complained to us about it at all, but she might be complaining to her mom or the school) and her arm... she came back from BM's last week and on Monday or Tuesday, she was saying her arm hurt after she got off the phone with her mom (this was after DH was home from work) and I called her out on it because we had gone to Sam's Club earlier in the day and I had to ask her to stop swinging her arms (like a cheerleader) because she might knock something off a shelf and that isn't how I think she should behave in a store and she not once, complained that her arms hurt her. When i said that in front of dad, she insisted her arm hurt but couldn't tell him why or how it got hurt, she said she didn't know. So, what was he supposed to do? There's no marks, no bruises, no apparent injury and what is a doctor going to do for her arm? So... I canceled my dentist appointment and made an appointment to take her to her pediatrician today. I will pick her up from school in an hour. CPS told DH that he isn't in any trouble but they want to sit down with him on Friday to talk. Who knows what allegations have been made? It's not clear if BM called them or if the school did but when I called the school to find out if SD was okay, they said she was fine, that CPS came out and talked to her but they can't say who called because CPS doesnt' tell them and after talking to SD, she went back to class. That gave me the impression that they did not think SD was needing to be picked up over it. I had called the school because DH made it sound like the CPS worker was at the school with SD and she needed to go see the doctor immediately. (just for the record, SD ran cross country yesterday and on Monday and did not complain at all to me or DH that she hurt in any way)

I agree Kathline that I am someone that likes to control and it is hard to have a kid of any age (my grown kids included) bold face lie to me and refuse to admit something when they are caught red handed or I have proof. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking that way, but I raised my kids different and yes, they have lied but I usually can tell and they don't want to disappoint me.. and they know how much I despise lying. I guess it makes me feel like SD is thumbing her nose at me/us because she doesn't care that we think it's wrong to lie. I can understand her not caring if I am disappointed, but she doesn't care that dad is disappointed. I know that is a problem of mine that I need to deal with.

and raek, we did have a sit down where I was there with DH and BM with her BF and SD and that is exactly what was said. I don't think BM believes her but she does give it attention. Obviously, if she is the one that called CPS, she is going to give it more attention because at this point, she is being hounded by child support to make a payment so I guess now it's time for her to build a case to get custody. I don't think she would refuse to take custody of SD now because she doesn't want to pay support, but I also don't think she really wants to take responsibility... like I said, we saw that over the summer, BM let SD do whatever she wanted (resulting in her gaining 20+ lbs and of course getting hurt) and refused to take her to the doctor. So, giving her custody is something DH is not willing to do. He says if she files for custody and proves to a Judge that it is in SD's best interest to be there, then he will have to abide by a Judges decision but at this point, he saw how the summer went and is not willing to just give up his daughter. As frustrated as I get, I do have to agree with him.

So, DH and I are going to have a serious talk tonight about this and he is going to have to make some changes because I agree that he should be handling the lying and consequences. We'll see.

Well Ima,

You certainly called that one right. BM is going to try to make a case for custody and has been priming SD to feel hard done by and picked on by you.

I dont know what to say. If SD is buying into what her mother is selling, its going to be hard to stand against. ITs a shame that BM, even though she doesnt really want the child, is so upset about the CS she is ordered to pay that she would call CPS with false allegations, start a custody war, and generally smear you and your husband.

If you and your husband wish to keep custody, its going to be expensive fighting, nerve wracking, and probably a lengthy unpleasant battle. I wouldnt blame you for wanting to just let the girl go, if thats what she wants, but your husband is against it, so it may be worse before it gets better at your place.

Whatever happens, try not to blame the girl, even though thats hard not to do. She is unfortunately the victim in this, or one of them. Its too much to expect a child who has been so cruelly rejected by her mother, not to reach out for whatever approval she can grasp from her. She is nine. This really isnt her fault, and whatever happens, the relationship is more important in the long run.

I'm so sorry, Ima! I am angry that you have to go through this! It's scary that SD had to be pulled out of school to be interviewed by CPS. How humilliating would that be? How humilliating for you and DH to have this on your record? It's so scary that it's that easy to ruin someone's credibiity.

Ima, your situation bothers me. It seems you're trying your very best to help this child and going over and beyond what most step mothers would. I think you're butting your head against a brick wall and it's only going to hurt YOUR head. She obviously appreciates nothing you do for her so my advice would be to do the minimum required. She's old enough to fix her own breakfast so let her eat what she wants. If it makes her fat that's her problem. If she doesn't want to play outside let her stay in and do whatever pleases her. If she wants something tell her to check with her daddy. If she wants to wear something unattractive to school, let her. If she ruins her clothes don't buy her any more and let her wear the ones she's ruined or whatever she wants. I believe when she sees that you aren't fighting it she won't have a reason to do it. If she lies ignore it. When she no longer gets a reaction from you there won't be any use to do it. Let her dad make the decisions that need to be made. Also he should quit playing the attention game with the BM. Ignore her ~ she's not in charge. Don't be available for her drama. Remember to accept the things you cannot change. You can't do anything about her weight if her mom sabotoges it constantly. When she gets tired of kids making fun of her maybe she will shape up. You can't do anything about her lying so don't play her game. If she doesn't do her homework, don't react. If her dad wants to - fine but it's not your problem. If she doesn't care enough to do it let her fail the grade and take the consequences. She's seeking attention but it's not yours she wants so let that be her mom's problem. It seems like you have more than enough to do without being tramatized with her problems that you can't fix. All the extras that you do for her should be stopped. Let her know that you know she doesn't want anything to do with you so it's no longer a problem. It's not necessary to try to have a conversation with her that she doesn't want to participate in. It appears to me that it's some kind of game to her to see how much she can contradict you. I really believe if you would do a lot of ignoring her she would change her tactics.

none of this sounds normal to me. I had a 9 year old at some point, who also grew up in divorced family navigating between two houses, but none of the issues sound familiar to me. her behavior suggests some kind of emotional disturbance, she sounds like a pretty unhappy child. She is obviously brainwahsed by BM and she is unhappy and out of place in both houses, moms and dads. She is only 9. I feel bad for you and DH, but most of all i feel terrible for SD. You are adults, you'll manage. but she is a child and already is unhappy. 9 supposed to be happy innocent fun time. not ongoing battle with sets of parents and cry for attention. I see years of therapy for her.

gajopa, SD is only 9. She is not axis of evil. lol She is a child. unhappy child.

Your story is so similar to mine...but I'm further down the road than you are. I married my husband when my SS was 7; now he is 20. Our marriage has been completely destroyed. The difficult, manipulative child has grown into an aggressive, violent adult who lives in our guest house, smokes pot, steals, etc. When he was a child, we had visits from CPS when he falsely accused us of abuse (because he didn't get to go on a play date) and I was threatened with losing my 3 year old son and newborn daughter. His mother, a mentally ill drug abuser, has filed countless police reports against us. At present, this young man makes threats against me, steals from me, and tells his dad (and anyone else who will listen) horrible lies about me. Sadly, his dad believes what his son says and fully backs him up. Obviously, children act out when they have poor parenting, but you can't actually be the one to help this child, You should protect yourself and your children against permanent damage, whatever that means. It may mean divorce, but if you have your husband's love and support, you might be able to disengage from the child without losing your marriage. Good luck.

Clementine, my children are grown (18, 19 & 21) so I don't worry that the issues with SD will damage them in any way, unless she accuses them of doing wrong. (She did accuse my son of threatening her with a knife two years ago but when BM brought it up several months later, the court didn't even take it seriously because she let so much time go by that the court didn't think she took it too seriously so it must not have been much of a threat if BM wasn't that concerned) and I do have my husbands love and support. If I didn't (or if he stops), I don't think I could stay because we both made vows and if he ever thought I was doing his daughter wrong, I wouldn't want to be with someone that thought that of me. I wouldn't want to be with someone that would be with someone that would do that to their child.

I think BM is again, grasping at straws. I just can't believe she pulled the CPS card. I think she's desperate and once again, she's not thinking of it from all angles. SD gets hurt more often at her mom's house, she hardly ever gets hurt here. That's not because mom's necessarily doing anything wrong, but she plays harder (on the trampoline, playing with the other kids, etc.) and BM lets her do whatever she wants so she tries to do things the older kids and boys do, which involves a little more risk. The things that were brought up to DH were injuries SD got at BM's but BM is complaining that we didn't take her to the doctor. Yet, BM isn't working and if she really was THAT concerned, she could have driven here during the week and taken SD to the doctor herself, but she didn't. In fact, she never even called DH to tell him to take SD to the doctor, I think she told SD to tell him but SD never did. Just like SD only told us once a week and half ago that her arm hurt. She's been playing and it doesn't seem to be bothering her until she gets off the phone with BM. hmmm

Finedreams is very correct that SD is unhappy and I asked her last night if she was happy. She said yes and I told her that she doesn't act too happy and I talked to her about how things are between us and I told her that I'm not happy about it and that we live together, we can get along or be miserable but I'd rather get along. She didn't say much, I did all the talking and let her know how I feel. (I've had this same conversation with her numerous times and it always gets better right after but then goes back to square one)

When I picked her up from school today, she said she wants to earn our trust and stop lying. She says she's tired of lying and getting in trouble. She had a completely different attitude today and she started talking about the lady that talked to her at school. She said the lady asked her what is in our fridge and what her bedroom looks like. I took SD to the doctor and he didn't think it was broken but maybe a pulled muscle. SD said she was jumping on the trampoline at BM's house and when she fell forward, she landed on her hands. The doctor said that the muscle she says hurt could have been hurt by landing on her hands but he sent her for X-rays just to be sure. SD even thanked me for canceling my dentist appointment to take her to the doctor. She said that was a very nice of me to do that and I told her that she's more important to me than fixing a tooth. She grinned. So, today was a good day!

Oh that's much better news, Ima! I'm so hope she continues with this. I know that FSD was a very different person at 9 than she is now. She has done so much growing up and has come out of a lot of the phases that your SD is in now. So that's something to look forward to.

Of course, FSD's home life is a lot different than your SD, so I think that things that are fairly normal behaviors are blown up and more dramatic because of SD's bad BM. Like the lying thing; that's pretty common in kids her age. DS (who is also 9) tries to lie to me about all kinds of stuff from washing his hair to brushing his teeth. It's the tween age where they are trying tov find their independence. BUT, in your SD's case the lies are bigger and more frequent because there are underlying factors (BM enabling the lies; CPS giving her attention). Or the not coming out of her room until her daddy is awake. My FSD was the same way for a while. She only wanted to be around her daddy when she was at our house and i think that's fairly normal for daughters of divorced me. In your case, it's more hurtful because of the history of being the target of her anger.

Hang in there! Don't give up on her. She loves you and you love her and that's the one thing that is going to right all the wrong.

I kind of agree with Kathline on one thing. Maybe it's best to stop reacting to the lying unless it's something of grave consequences. Here's why I say that....I am a "fair" person. To my detriment, I want all people treated fairly and I treat people with all of the fairness I can. I end up losing out quite a bit because my interest is not what's best for the "greater good". This applies in my home as well. I believe that all kids should follow the sme rules whether they live there or not. It's only "fair". If one kid is given a rule to make their bed in the morning, I expect everyone (not just the kids) to make their bed. This "fairness" means I will argue about something and beat it to death. I often beat it BEYOND death. Sometimes I act like the "Moral Police" in my home. To me, everyone being fair to eachother and having good morals is a noble cause. To everyone else, it's a beating. So when I harp on my kid about lying, I notice that he lies more often. Basically because he's afraid of telling me the truth. Just a couple of weeks ago, I discovered this about DS. So I have stopped acting like I caught Al Capone every time I catch him in a lie. I let the teeny ones slide and focused on the huge ones. And for the past couple of weeks, DS has lied to me less. He's been brushing his teeth and washing his hair and not having to lie about it. It's been a miricle! Similar things happened with FSD. I stopped trying to catch her fibbing to me and stopped trying to convince her that she treats her dad badly. Guess what? I had a wonderful text conversation last night! She talked to me about her new BF and homecoming! I miss her so much!

Anyway, I just wantd to pass on a little something I learned recently; from one control-freak BM and SM to another! LOL!

I disagree about lying at age 9 being a normal thing. actually it is not. whenever children lie at this age it is always alarming: emotional disturbances, cry for help and attention or maybe fear of punishment. it is not a normal behavior.

lol, I picked her up from school yesterday and we went back to her class to get her backpack & binder. I asked, 'you have everything?' and she said yes. Later, after 5pm she tells me she forgot her spelling words in her desk. Well, Wednesday is the night they have to put spelling words in alphabetical order and write them three times each. She knew this but I wasn't thinking about it, we had been at the doctor's office & radiology all afternoon, but she brought it up. She said she guesses she can't do her spelling since school is out. My first thought was she did it on purpose and I wanted to call her on it. I didn't. I thought about it for a while and a couple miles down the road, I said that when we get home, she can call her friend that's in her class and ask for the spelling words. She claimed she didn't know her phone number but I told her I do. When we got home, I double checked her binder and the usual spelling list wasn't there but the spelling words were. I found a loophole... the teacher sends home an optional sheet on Fridays. It's an activity they can do over the weekend and at the bottom, it gives the next weeks spelling words so they can start practicing if they want. Well, of course she was bummed that I found that and proceeded to write them out three times each but not in ABC order. DH had her redo it in ABC order. Then we watched TV for a while. She had a great attitude.

Her mom sent DH a text message an hour after she went to bed to have SD call her. He wrote back that she was in bed and if she wants, she can call in the morning before SD leaves for the bus. She called before any of us were up and wanted to talk to SD so I went and got her up. I heard SD telling her about going to the doctor and say her arm doesn't hurt anymore. She started to ask BM how she was doing and then abruptly says ok, I love you too. Bye. BM apparently didn't want to 'chat'. That is the FIRST time BM has called SD in a very long time, I can't remember the last time she called her.

The doctor called me a few minutes ago to say the X ray shows no break. He said she probably pulled a muscle if she fell on her hands playing on the trampoline. There's not much to do for it, he said to apply heat and showed us how to stretch the muscle. It will resolve itself in a few days if she rests it.

and I do agree that some lying... about school work or brushing teeth, etc. are common at her age. I don't know if it's normal or alarming, and I understand the lies she tells her mom to get mom's attention, but she is old enough to understand that there are consequences for those kinds of lies when mom gets CPS or the police involved. There could be great consequences for DH and me. I was more concerned with her lying about injuries, being hit, and things she complains to her mom about but doesn't tell us. We don't find out until BM calls DH to chew him out or now, until she calls CPS. SD never complained to us about having to eat foods she doesn't like and when she told DH about her arm, she only mentioned it once and he didn't see a reason to go to the doctor and she never complained to us about it again. And we don't know if SD complained to her mom or if her mom is the one that is asking her if she was seen by the doctor but I don't know why BM would put it on her daughter to get dad to take her to the doctor if SD isn't saying it hurts. I'm probably overly cynical of BM, but I'd say she knows SD fell on the trampoline and got hurt and didn't want to pay for a doctor visit so she told SD to tell dad her arm hurts so he can make sure it wasn't hurt too bad. SD told him a couple of days after coming back from BM's, after she got off the phone with her. BM might have reminded her to ask dad. DH looked at it, and didn't think it was broken and considering SD had gone to cross country and was swinging her arms around earlier, concluded it wasn't too serious. SD never told him she fell down on the trampoline. I'm sure she didn't want to get mom in trouble, although we don't know exactly what happened so it could be an innocent **stuff happens with kids** accident or it could be she was not being supervised and got hurt. We don't know that and we already know BM isn't going to tell us if she did anything wrong. But, when SD came home this last weekend, she did tell DH that she collided with her sister on the trampoline and cut her lip. She said her teeth went into her sister's leg. That was on Sunday and on Monday, she didn't call BM but she did call BM on Tuesday and after she got off the phone, she again told DH that her arm hurt. On Wednesday is when CPS went to the school so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how coincidental it all is.

I'll admit that I am pessimistic when it comes to BM. But, I've never been wrong about her actions.. not yet anyways. I have been surprised that she has done some things I've predicted because I honestly was fooled at first and she presented herself as a GREAT mother. But, maybe because of my 'control freak'ness, I noticed little details that went unnoticed by my DH about her. I mean, she did things that I found odd being a mother myself. I went through custody issues with my son's father and we would fight over who gets him more, not who has to take him. She was always asking him to take SD on her weekends but if he ever offered to let her make up the time, she said she was busy. She never asked to makeup the time either. Then, when she refused to help her daughter do a school project, that pretty much sealed my opinion of her... she actually told my husband that if I want to do 'mom' things (like bake cookies, which I guess really upset her) that I can help her with her school project too. Hearing her say that shattered my image of her being a wonderful mom because I can't imagine saying or doing that to my own child. It's been downhill since then and she has aspired to new lows as a mother, in my opinion. The only one I did not see coming was her moving away and giving us custody, that blindsided me because we had just spent several months (and thousands in lawyers) to fight for custody and she fought it so fiercely, I never imagined anything would cause her to give up her daughter so easily. Maybe that is why SD was so affected too, she saw how fiercely her mom fought to keep her, only to be discarded two weeks later for a stranger. (so, yes I have had a hard time not resenting and hating BM for doing that and I need to learn how to let that go, but it's hard)

Again - you really need some professional help with this situation. It's not important whether the child is "normal" or not. What's important is that too much of your life is devoted to this problem - and it's not getting better.

We have been helped immensely by getting a psychologist to work with two of the stepkids. My husband and I are both professionals but we totally missed ADHD in the kids and another disorder in one child. We thought that they were reacting to a stressful situation. The stress is a big factor - but it's not the whole story. We now have some tools that have helped a great deal.

The BM sounds weird and reminds me of the BM in our situation. Very hot and cold on the kids - depending on whether she's getting attention from anyone else. Your instincts about not wanting to pay the doctor's bill is probably a good one. It causes a lot of disturbance in the kids - but talking a psychologist really helps.

Ima ... DSS opened their investigation with us on july 23rd ... they have only been to our home one time that was on Aug 26th ... havent' heard a peep from them again .... and on the 26th they came with a second complaint mom took SS10 to the police station to file a report for child abuse ... after he was yelling in the yard for an hour to "let me go" .... he meant to his mothers but to the world it could have meant ... literally let me go like hubby had a hold of him or something ... so when he got into his mom's car hubby said "don't come back" he meant that night mom took him to the police station to file a report ... they closed that case the next day ...

Hubby asked for DSS to appoint a guardian ad litem ... that was almost a month ago we haven't heard another word but apparently they meet with mom on a weekly basis. Hubby and I are still named on the report but they haven't bothered with us.

As bad as it sounds I totally ignore SD when she is here... now that she is with mom full-time I can do that ... it was horrible when she was here full-time and tattling on me to her mom .... just to get attention from mom ... if they said anything nice about me or hubby mom didn't care but if it was something bad even if it was a lie mom perked up and showed attention now I ignore her ... she comes home I sit down for dinner after dinner I head to my room watch movies do whatever .... last sunday she was here she was on the phone for 4 hours with mom's boyfriend ... at 10 pm started talking to mom on the phone was on the phone with her til midnight at 6 am when hubby went in to wake her up for school she became beligerant with him because she was tired. He said well thats too bad shouldn't have been on the phone with your mom and her boyfriend all night now get up. She told her mother she doesn't want to come here anymore we won't let her call her mom anymore. Hubby said that it wasn't her choice ... but if she was too tired for school it really wasn't his problem.

I don't know how CPS/DSS works in your area but I am guessing they will have to talk with mom too ... hopefully they meet with you first ... in our situation they always seem to meet with mom first.

Good luck!!

Oh Ima, I hear ya and my heart breaks for you. Similarly, I love my SS9 and have gone beyond what's expected of me and jumped through many a hoops for the sake of a child who couldn't be less appreciative but also cold, calculating, manipulative ughhhh. I wish I had an answer for you (and myself). Throw in the towel? never. Continue chanting in my head "I love my husband more than my SS hates me" I remind myself that frequently.
I'll call him Eric, and he is amazing. He has an amazing ability to create drama. He tells half truths, and flat out lies. Sometimes because he thinks he's telling his mom what she wants to hear and sometimes to distance himself from responsibility and consequence. I agree that at 9yrs old ALL kids lie about bushing their teeth or doing their homework. The lies my SS (and your SD) tell are huge red flags of deeper issues. Eric had CPS at his school in 1st grade "because his StepDad spanks him" My husband and I don't believe for a second that his SD would hurt him, we're actual glad he's there to help since BM is "crazy". At BMs worst it was predictable that once we dropped off SS we could make it 4 blocks away before she was calling to complain about some way I'd mistreated him, or some way that she felt my kids were favored. It was like she interrogated him about the weekend before he could get his coat off! It got to the point she had to be told (SEVERAL TIMES) you worry about what happens in your four walls we'll take care of our 4 walls.

I think for my SS it isn't so much he wants to chose between his mom or dad he just likes to control something, anything. He doesn't get to chose much for himself, at BM's they have assigned seats at the table, in the car, and I can admit that during the school year when he's a part time resident in our home I don't offer him too many choices here either. I think this is also the reason for the picky eating. He can't even remember what he says he doesn't like from one weekend to the next. I think he can control the stories he tells, and the bad behavior he does. He writes on everything. clothes, walls, dresser, whatever....
I know his behavior is a cry for attention what I don't know is how to make him understand the attention he is getting is not what he is seeking.

I was walking around reacting to my SS, quite convinced his every sniffle is a passive aggressive attempt to annoy me and I literally wanted to hide in my room when he's here. It made me feel like a child hating monster. And the truth is, his worst behavior isn't as disturbing to me as the way the whole situation makes me feel. Like there's a BIG problem that I can't fix. As a wife, mom, stepmom I (sometimes) feel like a failure becasue while I keep trying it from a different angle I haven't yet created the harmony I desire.

I hope you find comfort in knowing you aren't alone. Look into counseling to help her through whatever is making her unhappy. And really really take care of yourself.