"if you were willing to become vulnerable"

I dont want to be vulnerable, and there are many others here who dont see themselves as such.

If the purpose of this forum is to present different views, it may be suceeding, if you want only one POV, then you dont need a forum.

scaruso,

I think a number of women, and probably the occasional man, here HAVE tried to provoke argument. If you are referring to cawfecup's post to kkny about her husband's sexual and marital history, I think she was definitely looking for an argument. I can see no other reason for her to have posted that information.

I can understand why cawfecup would resent having to raise her husband's children while not having the chance to live with her own son. I also think there is something seriously wrong (mental illness is certainly a possibility) with someone who would impregnate a teenager 6 years his junior, and then proceed to have a baby by another woman while married to the first one. I wouldn't want to be in cawfecup's position, but I am not surprised that the younger three children's mother is not mother of the year material, since she was an OW. Cawfecup's experiences with visitation is no different from that of many, many biological mothers whose exH's exercise visitation when and if they feel like it. After all, as has been emphasized on all the legal sites I have seen, visitation is a right, not an obligation. And yes, I think that is horrible.

I also think cawfecup is unfairly blaming herself for "spoiling" her son who has been diagnosed with ADHD, when it is not possible to spoil an infant or young child. It sounded like she practiced something similar to attachment parenting, and that is a good thing.

I am certain that most of the women here who are mothers love their children, as do the vast majority of mothers whose children have stepmothers. Probably the children of posters here are all basically good people - but they are no better or worse than the vast majority of stepchildren. I have come to believe that in most cases, the blended family dynamic is untenable, and very harmful to all the children involved.

I was not looking for an argument ... I was/am trying to bring humor to my situation ... its all I have left ... If I cannot laugh at how stupid my situation is and how I put myself here I would lose my mind ... because I cannot understand for the life of me .... why she has to be so bitter.... why is it acceptable for any parent male or female to just walk away from their responsiblities ...

TOS I have said before I sympathize with your situation I do not say much to you because of that. KKNY on the other hand defends my SC's mother like a saint. She never says anything about her ... she is just a saint because she works. She picks my statements apart because I am a SAHSM and she had to work when her daughter was young and still works I also worked when my children were young...but once they started school (age 3) I went to work. Attempts to pick apart all of my posts. She has repeatedly said she feels sorry for my SC because of me ... not because of their loser of a mother but its my fault. I put up with all this craziness with this woman because I love a man and his children. Why who knows I have asked myself that very same question many many times. Wish I had all the answers but I don't.

Cawfe,

People here say that they feel sorry for my child for influencing her, etc -- which I dont think I do, but I have never even intimated any disagreements with her.

You say

"I want to say your mother is making me this way.
I should make you as miserable as your mother makes me!!!"

I understand you have a lot of frustation, but I think this represents how you feel, even if you dont act on it. Maybe you are just venting, but I see a lot of hostility against the childs mother, some of which appears to be drifting off to the children. I thought you said relatively recently that you were a SAHM, so I think you can take up some of the slack.

kkny, it is true that you will defend a BioMom, no matter how crappy a mother she is.

Cawfe has been an amazing stepmom to her brood, with pretty inconsistent support from her husband. kkny, you say that since she's a SAHM, she can take up some of the slack. I can't remember every little thing that Cawfe does for her SC, but I do remeber these few facts:

BioMom is also a SAHM. Well, actually, not, since the kids live with Cawfe. I guess BioMom is just unemployed.

BioMom pretty much has to be bribed to spend time with her children. She wants something in return - a gift card, groceries, cash - for doing something she should just do because SHE IS THEIR MOTHER.

Cawfe's BioMom is not even trying to pull her weight, yet kkny suggests Cawfe should pick up the slack? Oh, please!

And I can totally understand how Cawfe may want an occasional break from parenting her SC. I want a break from parenting all of my kids, both bio and step.

And TOS, I think your assertion that the blended family dynamic in untenable is too much of a blanket statement. My biokids are thriving in our family, and there is no way either of my stepsons would have been better off if their dad hadn't divorced their mom. There may be a lot of situations where the children would be better off if they adults could work things out, but not in this case. Their BioMom is too much of a narcisist to be any kind of mother.

I amy want a break too, but I dont even think I want to make any childs life miserable.

KKNY are you for real?????

I thought you said relatively recently that you were a SAHM, so I think you can take up some of the slack.

I HAVE BEEN TAKING UP THE SLACK... why should I do for her children when she is unwilling to do so???? As you like to say I am not their mother so why should I do for them? Give me one reason I should do more for them than their own mother does? I have given many examples of what a loser she is ... and yet you still defend her.... no excuse for her behavior other than she wants to be a B^*$(. and everyone around her has enabled her to be a B%#^ no one ever held her accountable for her children.

She is not working either shouldn't she pick up some slack? NO of course not ... because I married their father its my job.

I think you are attempting to hold X accountable by your thoughts, if not actions, toward the children. I presume you knew dad's family situation when you married him.

Had I realized what a psycho b&&* she was ..... maybe I should have run away but too late now.

How do I fix it? Other than me walking away how do I fix it?

tamar,

I don't understand how your stepson's issues and addictions and expensive treatment can not be harmful to your biological children's welfare. It seems to me that they would be better off if you had not remarried.

Tamar,

I completely understand how your biokids are thriving in your situation eventhough you have a problem SS. It just goes to show that parents who work together can overcome many unfortunate situations. I too want the best for my daughter and her biofather & I do what we can to ensure peaceful transitions for her during visitation. Contrast that with my DH and his ex who do everything in their power to make each other's lives miserable, now they have a son who is a pathological liar, master manipulator, and guaranteed to be on America's Most Wanted in several years.

My SS does not have dependency issues like yours, but he has a great number of other issues and they affect everyone in this house, and DH and the biomother only aggravate his problems. However, I am happy with my relationship with my daughter and she IS thriving as well. She is a High Honor student, belongs to our church youth group, dances, comes highly recommended by her teachers as a leader and as a respectful child, and we have a wonderful relationship and time together.

It is possible for children in a blended family situation to still grow regardless of the negative problems caused by their step-siblings. It doesn't always mean they're happy go-lucky, but they children are extremely resilient and able to adapt quickly if led in the right direction.

Before I posted above that my biokids were thriving, I did think about the impact their older brothers (plural) have had on our family. My two stepsons have drank and used drugs excessively, and whether that is due to a genetic predisposition on their BioMom's side for addiction and psychological disorders, or their parents' divorce, or peer pressure, it doesn't matter. The fact is that my SS20 has outgrown it, and my SS17 is a totally different person since rehab.

The younger kids were never exposed to any "crazy" behavior, and SS17 did not self-injure when he lived with us. We made sure the kids were insulated from any tension that was caused by the situation. My DD14 knew why her brother was away for six months, but DD10 and DS5 just knew he was in the hospital, and never really asked why. The scars on SS17 upper arms are rather jarring, and the other day in the swimming pool DD10 told her brother that the camping place he was at must have been dangerous. She doesn't realize the "camping place" was a wilderness treatment center. Ignorance is bliss.

Despite all that, both DDs are excellent students, involved in sports and other extracurricular activities, and my DD14 is very anti-drug. My kids LOVE each other and take care of each other. They don't refer to each other as "steps," they are just brother and sister. Their friends also just refer to them as the "big brothers of" or the "little sisters of." And, of course, everyone loves the little baby brother (even if he is a "half" sibling).

I think the biggest reason our blended family dynamic works is because we have two older boys, then two girls, plus the baby brother who looks just like the big brothers. There's a 3 year spread between each of our 3 older kids, plus a 4 and 5 years spread for the younger two. Our kids might not get along as well if they were the same gender, or the exact same ages, and because they're not, there isn't a lot of sibling rivalry.

I was really surprised this week by my SS17. The kids in our community won't take the bus to high school. It's not "cool," plus most of the kids have their own cars. (Funny story - I thought my friend and neighbor had gotten a new car because she had a Mercedes SUV with temp plates parked at her house. No, the car was for her daughter's 16th birthday.) SS17 does not have driving privileges until the end of the year. He found a ride to school with a friend, but passed because there wasn't room for his sister. He found a different ride for both of them with a long-time friend he used to play soccer with, but hadn't been friends with during his recent drug phase. It's nice to have this friend back in his life, and it was very sweet of SS to make sure his sister wouldn't have to take the bus.

My daughter has a very elaborate family tree of half and steps on her father's side. She doesn't mention any of them as her half this or step that. However, she does refer to DH's son as her SB. I find it interesting but also know she's sick of his junk. At 12, she sees through his act, too. My daughter used to go out of her way for SB until he started twisting the knife in her back and she realized he was damn proud of it. Now, she could care less what he does.

Despite your children's age differences, I'm sure both you and your DH had a major role in making your blended family work the best it can for all of you and I believe that makes a huge difference. I recall a little about your SS's dependency and rehab, but was your husband supportive or did you have to poke and prod him to make him realize there was a problem?

I'd like to be able to see my DH's point of view on quite a few issues with SS, the ex, and his parents; however, I'm not able to get my head that far up my a$s.

I'd like to be able to see my DH's point of view on quite a few issues with SS, the ex, and his parents; however, I'm not able to get my head that far up my a$s.

I'm sorry for the situation with your SS, but, LOL! Great line :)