Difficult Decision(long)

23 years ago

Ok let me give you a some details first.

My father remarried when I was 12. They didnt exactly elope because her family knew but my dad did not tell my sister and I about it. We heard about it at school from her niece. Skip forward a few weeks and things had taken a bad turn. My sister and I would cry to our mother to not make us go over there but the court said we had to. When my father was around she would pretty much ignore us. When he left she would go out of her way to say things bad about us and our mother. She and my mom had been friends before and my mother liked the idea of daddy dating her because she seemed nice. So it is not like my mom had ever done anything to her. During the week my stepmother would call us and tell us things that our father had said about us. Things that he would never say in a million years. My sister and I were both good kids. We never got in trouble and always did as we were told. She told anyone who would listen that we were terrible kids who made her life horrible. Her mother actually called my maternal grandmother and asked her to talk to us so we would be nicer to our stepmother. This went on until we told our mother we were not going over there anymore. WE were old enough to make that decision.

When my sister had her child she called our dad and told him. He came to the hospital to see my nephew born but had nothing else to do with him after that. My sister told him he could come over and see him anytime he wanted but he never did. Well, I found out I am pregnant about 3 weeks ago. My husband and I have told both out families about it and are very excited. I havent told my father. That is something I am not sure about. I have already made the decision that his wife is never to have anything to do with my child. I do not want my child to have to go through anything I did. I am debating over whether to tell my dad or just let him hear it through the grapevine. We live in a small town so that will take all of 2 days. I dont want my child to come to me one day and ask why their grandfather doesnt want anything to do with them. My sister has her son call our stepfather his grandfather which he is because he was more of a father than our real father ever was. This is something I never thought i would have to do.

If I do tell my father and he says he wants to be in my baby's life, i am setting rules now so he knows where i stand. I have not seen my father since my nephew was born in october so it has been almost a year. I'm torn between what i feel is best for my child and what i feel is expected. Please give me advice.

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Comments (13)

Mikkella
23 years ago
Never do what is expected, always do what is best for YOU and your child. I'd tell your dad about the baby, then tell him if he chooses to be in this childs life, he is more then welcome, however his wife isn't. This will put him on the defensive, and you should explain how you feel and why.

Have you ever sat and talked with your Dad about everything the wife has done and said? He may only be hearing HER side of the story here, and maybe it would wake him up a bit to hear yours and your sisters. Especially now that your both adults. I know I never had a relationship with my father until I was an adult due to lies, and he never knew anything that went on. I was 19 when we finally talked. 11 years wasted because of lies. It's not worth it.
MIStepMom
23 years ago
Brandym, I am sorry for what you are going through. As Mikkella said, you need to go with what is in your heart. If you feel you want to let him know of your pregnancy, but don't want to see him in person, just send him a card and then the ball is in his court. If you think his wife would intercept the mail, send it to his office. At some point, it would be good for you to talk this out with him, but you don't need to do it until you are ready.

I had a situation with my parents a few years ago, where because of something my mother did, I did not speak to her for 6 months. I finally decided that I needed to try and resolve things. It was difficult and things will never be the way they were before that incident, but I felt better that I took the initiative to be the bigger person and take the first step and then the rest was up to her.

If after you talk to him things do not change, then you can enlist the help of a counselor to help you move forward in your life.

Take care and good luck. Let us know how it progresses, we are all here for your and we do care.

Carol
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susan_in_nc
23 years ago
I agree so much with Mikkella. My step dad (I was legally adopted by him) was the greatest, my hero and champion until my mom died. Now he wants nothing to do with us, my kids had to face not only the loss of 1 grandparent, but 2! I have talked to him, written letter and had the kids call him. Do what is the best for YOUR family, not what is expected or necessarily best for your dad. If you live in such a small town, everyone knows how he and his wife treated you and your sister after his marriage. They may tell him of the pregnancy, but that's life people talk about others. (Sometimes even more if they think something juicy will get stirred up!) Most important is to enjoy the process you are going through, enjoy your growing family and strengthen the bonds that support YOU!
brandym
Original Author
23 years ago
Thank you all for your advice.

MIStepMom, I do not need counseling. I have moved on with my life. I put all this past me a long time ago. I am just asking advice because this has come up. I also should have said that I have tried many times over the years to talk to my dad and have some kind of relationship but he never makes any effort so I just quit trying.

After talking with my husband I have decided not to tell my father. Maybe I am hoping that he will finally see that I have finally given up and try to make contact with me.
nadastimer
23 years ago
I seriously think that if he wouldn't listen to you or keep a relationship going with you...he's not going to do it for your baby. Some people do change and if he has, he'll come around. I'm sure that through word of mouth or whatever he will hear about the baby. You could even just send an announcement to him or a card and again, leave the situation up to him. Tell yourself how many chances you'll give him to be a grandfather to your child and if he doesn't do it, move on and don't worry about it. Some people just aren't meant to be parents when they become them and some of those people grow up and realize they made a mistake and change for the better, but not all. Some end up learning WAY too late that they made a mistake. Just don't dwell forever about the fact that your child won't have this grandson because he's better off without him if he'll only hurt him like he has you...
Susnnn
23 years ago
I think I would tell him if I were in your postion. He probably won't be involved much with your baby seeing as he hasn't been with your sister's child. So setting rules is something you don't have to worry about at this moment.
I feel that by telling him about your pregnancy now, you will leave a door open for both of you if things ever change in the future.
Just tell him and take it from there. You don't know how he is going to be, so wait until you know how he is with your baby before you set any rules.
brandym
Original Author
23 years ago
susnnn, the reason I would be setting rules is more to ensure that my child is not to be around his wife. She has used up all her chances and it wouldnt matter if tomorrow she were sainted by the pope, she would not be allowed to have anything to do with my child. When my husband and I were talking, we thought about telling him, but it would take years for me to forgive him for all the things he did. In the long run, I would rather my child have my stepfather and only my stepfather as his/her grandfather. It is kind of like that old saying "screw me once, shame on you. screw me twice, shame on me." Well I am on my 10th time. I dont have the will to go through another letdown and I dont want my child to go through even one with the man.
Susnnn
23 years ago
I wasn't saying "not" to set the rules. I was just giving my opinion that I wouldn't think that the rules need to be set at this early of a stage. Your post seems to be saying that you want to tell your father "I'm having a baby, and here are the rules as far as you are concerned" That's a great way to run him off and a great way to make sure that he never has anything to do with you or your baby.
I was not insinuating that the rules don't need to be made, I was just saying that right now isn't the time to tell your father about them. First things first, tell him about the baby. Once the baby comes, then you deal with it.
I am so sorry to say this, but I think that MIStepMom is right. I think that a counselor may be a good thing. It seems to me that you do have some resentment and rightly so. I woud feel angry too. Good luck with your baby. Take care.
Mikkella
23 years ago
ahhh, counseling is a joke, don't go there, talk to a friend, it's cheaper! LOL I don't blame you for how you feel, just look at it this way, it's HIS loss, and your child will have a wonderful grandfather in your step dad, so why worry? Enjoy your pregnancy, and when the baby comes, let him read about it in the paper like the rest of the strangers.
brandym
Original Author
23 years ago
Mikkela, I totally agree with you. I get sick of hearing the "go to counseling" advice. I'm not going to tell my dad. I am sure my in-laws will as they go to church together. I guess I should be expecting an angry call from his wife. She will eat this up.
Jerri
23 years ago
If your father has already shown no interest in his first grandchild, I can't imagine him having any interest in the second one either. Seems to me you have no obligation to tell him a thing. Just enjoy your life with the family that enjoys you.
j
Mikkella
23 years ago
If you get an angry call from his wife I hope you tell her to "Bite Me." LOL Your parents go to the same church...lol...evil thoughts...I'm in the wrong frame of mind today, time for me to leave...lol
blueheron
23 years ago
I agree with some of the other posts that said to just forget about your father because he's probably not going to change. (Even though you keep hoping.)

Go with your stepfather who was the REAL father in your life and will be your child's grandfather. And have a good life!

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