New here, hope you can give me advice

15 years ago

Hello all,

I am new here. I am a SM to one SD15. Her father and I have been married since she was eight, and our relationship has deteriorated steadily. Now we are at the point where SD went to live with BM (we had primary custody for the past four years) in May. SD now no longer wants to come to our house for visitation.

She uses every excuse she can find, but the one that hurts the most is that she blames me. They've even put in the court documents that SD doesn't want to visit her father because she can't get along with her stepmother (only not worded as nicely as that). Anyway, we got no CS from BM (they divorced when SD was 2). As soon as we even floated the idea of SD living with BM, she filed for CS.

Now husband has only seen SD three times since May. He's of course very upset about the whole situation. We're about to file a motion for visitation in court, as BM has tried every trick in the book to avoid visitation. And SD is right there along with her. For example, two weekends ago husband drove to the exchange location (BM lives an hour away) and nobody showed up.

Has anybody else gone through this? I'm torn because I don't think enforced visitation is going to help the situation. But I understand my husband wants to see his daughter. I also don't relish the idea of paying CS after four years of not only getting nothing but shouldering the burden of ALL of SD's expense (BM wouldn't even pay for school lunches).

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (2)

mollymcb
15 years ago
Hi there, I'm going through a similar situation with my DSS 14. He lives 2 hrs away w/ BM and is supposed to visit EOW. For about the past two years and steadily declining, he has not wanted to visit. He has not been to visit in 8 weeks. His stated reason for not visiting is that he does not want to miss "X," which is basically the "activity of the weekend" in his circle of friends. DH has made him come a couple times, and when he did, DSS would not talk to anyone the whole weekend and sat around with a pained look on his face. My DH has been an outstanding father given the circumstances. He has 170K miles on his 4 yr old vehicle from driving back and forth (BM does not meet him, so he drives 4 hrs round trip on Friday and back on Sunday.) He takes both DSS and his brother, DSS 12 on individual father-son weekends, and DH spends EVERY minute (that they're not in their room) with them when they're here. DH also pays $1200/mo cs, plus all health ins. and 60% of meds not covered by insurance and has NEVER been late on a cs pmt (at least not in the 9 years we've been married--it goes directly from our bank acct.) Anyway, DH is very hurt by this and does not know how to handle it. He is trying to give DSS 14 space and time to be a kid. (This past weekend, DH drove to their town on Sunday and spent the day so they could be in town the rest of the weekend.) I have worked very hard and gone out of my way to be a great step-mom the past 9 years, realizing nobody is perfect, and it's not an easy situation for any of us, but as far as I know, DSS has never mentioned "me" as the reason he does not want to visit. That would be extremely painful to me, not to mention unjustified.

Anyway, I don't know your situation, but it's very possible that you are just a good "excuse" for her not wanting to visit b/c she wants to hang out with her friends. Just keep your chin up and don't let it come between you and your DH.

Also, on the CS, at the hearing on it, DH should mention the BACK CS she owes. Perhaps they cancel each other out??

Good luck to you!
witch2one
Original Author
15 years ago
I agree I am just the excuse. But it still drives a wedge between my husband and I because it gives him someone to blame, instead of dealing with SD's behavior. He blames, in this order: BM, me, and SD really not at all. But SD is calling the shots in this situation and telling BM when she will and will not see her father. BM goes along with it because it's easier for her (no transportation) and she can stick it to my husband (which she continues to enjoy doing even though they divorced 13 years ago).

As far as CS is concerned, we are not entitled to back CS because my husband never filed to receive it. He was content with having SD live with us and so didn't want to rock the boat. If he'd asked for CS, BM would have asked to have SD live with her instead. So, no doubt we will end up paying...
Related Discussions
Maybe you guys can give me some advice on....
Q
Comments (11)
Raggedyann, I'm feeling bonded with you already. I too love Irises and Hostas, and now am looking to get a few, just a few, daylilies. How can this happen? I only have a little space left, and am getting up there in years and cannot do as much as I used to, but I sure would love some daylilies. Where can I find out what they need as far as light and soil requirements, also what zones are they hardy in? I guess I need to do some research before I buy any. I have 2 Stella's that are HUGE and need dividing. Don't know what I'd do with the leftovers, and it kills me to throw away good plants. What do I do?
...See More
I'm new here, can you tell me in zone 7/NY what plants we can
Q
Comments (23)
you're right, ward, I found mine lying down on top of the hibiscus after the rains from dennis blew through here. I staked it with a broken shovel handle, which it promptly pulled to the ground, too. that plant is heavy. I put the handle back up and put a rock the size of a shoebox at the base of it, which is working. give this thing some swingin room, folks. ward, can you teach me how/when to collect seed from tithonia?
...See More
New here but hoping someone can help..
Q
Comments (4)
DVD's come in at least 2 styles. A regular store bought one has files on it that look like xxxxx.vob plus other files. other types made by friends won't be like that and will be 'more playable' using VLC player which I believe everyone would recommend. I personally don't play DVD's and thus can't help you much however there's going to be a software requirement for the DVD player to need for it to decipher how to manage the *.vob files on the DVD. Try opening Windows media player by itself and then open the CD / DVD by typing E: or D: in the Run window. Once the DVD is 'open' drag it to the WIndows media player. Or an alternate way is to open Windows player and then once knowing the E: or D: name of the DVD then 'open' Windows media player for the DVD and see if it will play it. During all of this if you can verify what kind of files, ie *.vob or other.. ie *.mp4, or *.avi files, this will help us to help you to play it. I suspect that you have a 'real' DVD from Blockbuster and are trying to play it. So the open Windows media player first, then try to open the D: or E: of the DVD should take you the furthest in your hopes to play it. Computers were not supposed to cause us more work. Be careful to avoid joy and happiness tied to computers. They're made for work and GD if they aaren't going to be used for that you're certainly going to H$LL. LOL j/k -- except I do think we've split off entertainment from work and computers don't care they cause us hurt and frustration in our quest for 'fun'. Andre
...See More
Can anyone give me some advice about a grace quilt frame please.
Q
Comments (5)
Heehee, I took over the dining room for my quilting frame! We never used the dining room, anyway. I have an original Hinterberg frame. The ends are wood and the rails are 10' pieces of steel conduit. It can be moved intact, though it's a challenge moving something 10' long! It comes apart pretty easily - we moved it assembled into the garage for Christmas and after Christmas I took it apart and moved it one piece at a time back into the dining room and put it back together in about an hour. I have a 9" long Juki machine on the frame, and you can't quilt very much in one pass with it, though I don't quilt enough or sell my quilts in order to justify a bigger machine. You just learn to work with what you have! But I would say if your machine is any smaller than 9" you will be really frustrated trying to use it on a frame. There's a Yahoo group called Home Quilting Systems. The members of the group have all kinds of frame setups, so you should be able to get some information on the Grace frames. There's probably a Grace Yahoo group, too. Donna
...See More

New here, hope you can give me advice

Comments (2)

mollymcb

witch2one
Original Author

Related Discussions

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

New here, hope you can give me advice

Comments (2)

mollymcb

witch2oneOriginal Author

Related Discussions

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

witch2one
Original Author