New here, hope you can give me advice

17 years ago

Hello all,

I am new here. I am a SM to one SD15. Her father and I have been married since she was eight, and our relationship has deteriorated steadily. Now we are at the point where SD went to live with BM (we had primary custody for the past four years) in May. SD now no longer wants to come to our house for visitation.

She uses every excuse she can find, but the one that hurts the most is that she blames me. They've even put in the court documents that SD doesn't want to visit her father because she can't get along with her stepmother (only not worded as nicely as that). Anyway, we got no CS from BM (they divorced when SD was 2). As soon as we even floated the idea of SD living with BM, she filed for CS.

Now husband has only seen SD three times since May. He's of course very upset about the whole situation. We're about to file a motion for visitation in court, as BM has tried every trick in the book to avoid visitation. And SD is right there along with her. For example, two weekends ago husband drove to the exchange location (BM lives an hour away) and nobody showed up.

Has anybody else gone through this? I'm torn because I don't think enforced visitation is going to help the situation. But I understand my husband wants to see his daughter. I also don't relish the idea of paying CS after four years of not only getting nothing but shouldering the burden of ALL of SD's expense (BM wouldn't even pay for school lunches).

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Comments (2)

mollymcb
17 years ago
Hi there, I'm going through a similar situation with my DSS 14. He lives 2 hrs away w/ BM and is supposed to visit EOW. For about the past two years and steadily declining, he has not wanted to visit. He has not been to visit in 8 weeks. His stated reason for not visiting is that he does not want to miss "X," which is basically the "activity of the weekend" in his circle of friends. DH has made him come a couple times, and when he did, DSS would not talk to anyone the whole weekend and sat around with a pained look on his face. My DH has been an outstanding father given the circumstances. He has 170K miles on his 4 yr old vehicle from driving back and forth (BM does not meet him, so he drives 4 hrs round trip on Friday and back on Sunday.) He takes both DSS and his brother, DSS 12 on individual father-son weekends, and DH spends EVERY minute (that they're not in their room) with them when they're here. DH also pays $1200/mo cs, plus all health ins. and 60% of meds not covered by insurance and has NEVER been late on a cs pmt (at least not in the 9 years we've been married--it goes directly from our bank acct.) Anyway, DH is very hurt by this and does not know how to handle it. He is trying to give DSS 14 space and time to be a kid. (This past weekend, DH drove to their town on Sunday and spent the day so they could be in town the rest of the weekend.) I have worked very hard and gone out of my way to be a great step-mom the past 9 years, realizing nobody is perfect, and it's not an easy situation for any of us, but as far as I know, DSS has never mentioned "me" as the reason he does not want to visit. That would be extremely painful to me, not to mention unjustified.

Anyway, I don't know your situation, but it's very possible that you are just a good "excuse" for her not wanting to visit b/c she wants to hang out with her friends. Just keep your chin up and don't let it come between you and your DH.

Also, on the CS, at the hearing on it, DH should mention the BACK CS she owes. Perhaps they cancel each other out??

Good luck to you!
witch2one
Original Author
17 years ago
I agree I am just the excuse. But it still drives a wedge between my husband and I because it gives him someone to blame, instead of dealing with SD's behavior. He blames, in this order: BM, me, and SD really not at all. But SD is calling the shots in this situation and telling BM when she will and will not see her father. BM goes along with it because it's easier for her (no transportation) and she can stick it to my husband (which she continues to enjoy doing even though they divorced 13 years ago).

As far as CS is concerned, we are not entitled to back CS because my husband never filed to receive it. He was content with having SD live with us and so didn't want to rock the boat. If he'd asked for CS, BM would have asked to have SD live with her instead. So, no doubt we will end up paying...
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New here, hope you can give me advice

Comments (2)

mollymcb

witch2one
Original Author

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New here, hope you can give me advice

Comments (2)

mollymcb

witch2oneOriginal Author

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witch2one
Original Author