I under no circumstance ever owe their BM an apology.

A 31 year old woman abandons her husband and two small sons so she can run off with her 20 year old boyfriend. Creates an environment so emotionally and physically threatening to the boys that she looses her limited visitation via state intervention and they require years of therapy. Then rarely remembers birthdays, activities, never pays a dime in child support etc... and I'm supposed to apologize to her??

If anything, she should thank me for being there for them when she never was.

"BM does not want her x's new woman involved in her family life."

When she divorced him he was no longer 'her family' that is the whole point of divorce.

"There is always peace where there are clear boundaries." Are you a SM or a BM? My guess would be BM..even so you should know that peace is rarely part of the package regardless of what is 'declared' in boundaries.

Sorry not meaning to rant, but not every BM is a saint, just like not every SM is a saint...

Sieryn - Our BM's could be twins. The one I have to deal with is actually diagnosed as bi-polar but refuses meds and treatment so she continues to live her life in the erratic, undisciplined fashion that she chooses. I refer to her as "Jerry Springer's wet dream." She dresses like a slut, she smokes, she drinks, she apparently uses heroin, she lives with her "boyfriend" who's still married to someone else... She doesn't pay CS, and in fact hasn't paid a dime for him in about 9 months. She didn't even buy him a birthday present. She doesn't have a bedroom for him at her house and he sleeps on a cot in the family room. He tells us that he doesn't like going there b/c his mom forgets to brush his teeth and forgets to put him to bed. A SIX year old has to remind his own mother to brush his teeth and put him to bed. Although, she does feed him her regular diet of McDonald's - at least it's not trash from the dumpster.

She gets cranky and gripes at DH that I'm "stealing her job." His response (I love him), "she can't steal what you freely give away." I will never owe this woman an apology and will probably never get the thanks she owes me for doing her job.

I never wanted to get involved with someone who had kids, and I resisted this relationship for months and months, but when it makes sense, it makes sense. His son loves me, he loves me - we'll finally be the family that they both deserve. If, by some small miracle, she EVER gets her act together enough to at least *pretend* to be his mother, I will gladly foster that relationship. Until then, I'm involved in all of the parenting decisions and I am the one who mothers him. If she has a problem with it - she needs to clean herself up and gain some self respect.

There CAN be peace if both the BioMom and StepMom are reasonable people, both deserving of and providing respect. (After a few years of fine tuning, this is the relationship I now have with my Ex's wif, StepMother to my son.)

It's impossible for either side to declare and enforce a peace if the other side is mentally unstable, addicted to anything, or jealous/possessive/competitive to the extent that it overrides all concern for the children.

It seems to be impossible for either StepParent in a two adult household to *completely* stay out of parenting the other adult's child while competently parenting his/her own, and maintaining any reasonable peace and sense of fairness in the household. ("Mine - upstairs now! His - uh, never mind...")

I am sorry to Sieryn that her BM is causing her this kind of anguish, I am neither a SM or a BM I am a daughter and step daughter simply venting and stating that there needs to be clear lines drawn, and a seperation, no integration.

Every communication from every side in my situation feels like interference to the other side, I can't take it, it isn't working for us, who are powerless.

To Sieryn again, is it possible for you to arrange all visitation of you step kids away from your home so you are not so affected by this woman, maybe even a personal restraining order.

"Jerry Springer's wet dream."

LOL!!!

I have to disagree, my son's father is married and I love his new wife to death. She is very active in my son's life and is very very good to him. I could never ask for anything more out of a step mother. I would never tell her that she should back off when it comes to decisions in regards to my son, she is included in every decision when it comes to my son flying up to see his dad. I often ask his father to make sure he has discussed it with his wife. I don't understand most BM, why be mean and nasty to your ex's new wife? Your ensuring that she will harbor ill feelings toward your child. If you can be nice and understanding that her situation is just as hard as the one you are in, things would be so much easier.

I am just saying be nice to her, make her feel welcome in your life and the life of your children you will be less likely to have that "evil step mother" in your children's life.

Just my opinion.

Well said Angelz -- If your Ex is either smart enough or lucky enough to marry a decent woman the second time around, for goodness sake, be NICE to her!

She has the ability to make your kid's life he!!.
Yours too.

Angelz - I think I love you. :-)

It has always seemed so odd to me that BM's and SM's have to be immediately at odds 9 relationships out of 10.
As a BM, I would hope to God that the woman who would be caring for my child while they were with their father be as wonderful to that child as possible. I would want that not for me, but FOR MY CHILD . . . whose feelings I should care about more than my own.
As a SM, I would love to have a relationship with my SD's mom. I've tried everything I can think of to. Not only would it make my SD's life 110% easier, it would be easier on both the BM and I as well. It takes a lot of effort to despise someone.

Sweeby - you are right. You can't run two households out of one home. Who is that good for??

aisha - she parks down the street on the rare occasion she shows up to pick up the boys. After she and her mother attempted to break into my house (no joke) she won't come within 100 ft of me.

hlmhr - OMG it IS the same woman ;D! Its sad that the kids have to see that kind of behavior (last time BM picked them up for visitation both SS were betting against each other how long it would be till BM was drunk) but good that you're there for them, a little stability goes a long way.

You know my DH's ex-wife, is one of a kind. She tries to make my DH's life a living hell on a weekly basis. DH asked her to reschedule a mediation for another time because it coincides with the birth of our baby next month. But she refuses to saying that it's not her problem. What would posses a person, any person who would want to disrupt the birth of a child? Anyways, I have such anger towards this women but thank god every day that my DS step mother is a loving women with a huge heart to give. I could only imagine if I made my son's father's life a living H*ll like she does ours.

I have been patient with this women for the past few months because this is a delicate situation, she is probably angry that we are having a child together, it's a boy and that she will never be able to have another child. But you can only take so much before it begins to wear on a persons nerves. I wish I knew what to do to make this woman relax and be a bit more respectful of my DH, who loves his daughter so much.

What can you do, right!?