Abandonment and Wanting it Both Ways

18 years ago

Greetings. I could use some feedback.

I recently married a man, divorced for two years when we met, with three teenage children. The kids live with their mother in another state. Their father left that state to take a new job and moved in with me. I have a condo in town and a house in the country, close to where the kids live. The kids visit every other weekend.

Recently, the teenage son has acted out. He has a major anger management issue, and has said very negative and hurtful things about his Dad. (He lashes out at his Mom, too.) Even though the EOW visitation has been maintained, he accused his father of abandoning him. It is especially odd because the Skid blew off his father last weekend so he could see his girl friend. He also said some mean things about me to my husbands' mother and sisters. They were supportive of me.

My first question: Is it common for kids to feel abandoned even when the visitation schedules are maintained?

I also have another "issue." The Skids treat me like a member of the family when they want to use one of my possessions (house, sporting tickets, etc). They refer to my homes as their own. However, they don't consider me as family any other time. They rarely say thank you.

Now that one of them has tried to undermine me with my in laws, I feel especially resentful.

I was very generous with the Skids when I first started dating their Dad. But they show almost zero appreciation, I now do as little as possible for them. Key word - DISENGAGE.

Are there any other ways to try to get appreciation from the Skids, or am I wasting my efforts?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (4)

organic_maria
18 years ago
Disengage like you are doing. Do not expect anything from them. Let them come to you and if they show you no respect just keep your distance. Iv'e done this and it works.
As for the abondonment thing. I'm going through it right now. My husband is feeling it as well. He has two kids from another marriage.
Mind you...the kids do say thank you to me and have always said thank you. And please..etc..but lately they been skipping weekends now and they are both lashign out on both parents. Especially his daughter..she has hit the teen years and we expected it.
But you see, my husband would get upset that he's not there for them. They live an hour and half away from the city and to be frank i said they visit...visitors with visitation rights.
So when the kids hit an age where they begin to really understand what is going on. they get angry and act out. Its normal...keep patience..and give them space. And above all, let their father deal with it. Do not get involved ...they will not appreciate it.
theotherside
18 years ago
"Is it common for kids to feel abandoned even when the visitation schedules are maintained?"

EOW or similar visitation isn't even close to eating dinner with your dad every night, playing ball with him after work, having him read you a bedtime story when you are young, having him help with your homework, drive you to your practices and come to your school functions. So, the answer is yes.
Related Discussions
wanted: both trade and wanted...img heavy...
Q
Comments (5)
Hello K: What you have volunteered for is a very large undertaking, and I experienced something similar in my sons school over ten years ago. I don't know whose idea it was but this is basically how they went about it. 1. In our neighbourhood newsletter, residents were asked to donate any extra plants, cast-offs, extra seedlings they had to the school. 2. The younger children were charged with the responsibility of keeping potted divisions, seedlings, etc. watered until late May. 3. Residents were asked to donate fresh divisions, seedlings,etc. to the school in the last week in May. The school used these plants to make their gardens (indoor and outdoor) and on the last Friday in May, a BBQ and plant sale was held at which the extra plants were sold. It was amazing to see so many people arriving on Friday with cars full of plants they had from divisions etc. which would have otherwise been put in the compost. The money from that sale was then used to purchase shrubs and perennials for the outdoor gardens. Many of the plants in my garden were started from plants I got at these sales - many of them for a quarter or less. The students helped plant those gardens and it gave them a sense of ownership and pride, and they kept them watered and weeded. Our sense of community kicked in and everyone helped - parents, teachers, neighbours. If you were around at planting time, you were welcome to help. That way, no one felt burdened with the job. You might want to try something like this, so you don't get stressed out with the project. Growing that many plants from seed is a big job, and there are plants to be had from people who always plant too many seedlings (like moi), people who have to divide perennials, and people who grow tropicals which get too big for their homes. You may want to try one of these avenues as well. Unfortunately, for the last year, the school was unoccupied (school board politics) and slowly I saw the large garden outside the school get weedy, but the garden is still there, and the flowering shrubs still bloom. Hope this helps. Northerner.
...See More
Phooey! I want to abandon my first-ever sock for a different one
Q
Comments (5)
Francy, if you want to start a new "first sock", go ahead. But I will tell you that, using double points or one long circular (majic loop method, my favorite way), it still takes me about that much time to do an inch. We took a trip on the turnpike one time, DH driving and me knitting. I put a marker in the place I was when we got on, and checked the time stamp on the turnpike ticket when we got off. I put another marker at that place on the sock. When we got home, I measured that distance between markers, measured a sock I had previously made, and figured that a simple sock with about two inches of ribbing for the cuff and the rest of the sock in stockinette stitch, it took me 20-25 hours to knit one pair of socks. So don't get discouraged that it takes you so long to do it. I've been knitting socks for about 8 years. You really aren't much slower than I am! You might get the hang of dbl pts faster with the bigger needles and yarn, and get a good rythm going with them, then go back to the size 2 (which is what I use) and find it works just fine. And, yes, put the already started sock on some waste/stray yarn and put the needles away so one doesn't get lost or broken. Let us know how you do. Oh, and the ladders with lessen with practice! Just tug the first couple of sts a bit tighter than usual as you start the next needle, that will help with the ladders. You will still have small ones, but they will relax into the sock when it is finished. Tami
...See More
Wiring a 3-way switch with neutrals in both boxes
Q
Comments (2)
Wire it as if you were using standard switches... power in to one box, carry the neutral via the /3 conductor to the second box, switched power to lights in the second box.
...See More
Poor Man's Lily Garden: Saving an Abandon Plant
Q
Comments (2)
Thanks for the reply. I can't put standing water outside because the ratcoons and squirrels are already really troublesome, and I don't like the idea of leaving a drinking source for them in my yard. I was hoping the crowns could tolerate atmospheric exposure. I know the color of the flowers and the appearance of the fronds, but I don't have any pictures sadly because I never thought of doing so in all my years. Perhaps I should just give them all away to someone who can take proper care of them and just keep a small portion growing in an indoor vase until I can afford a larger home that can support a pond.
...See More
redheadedstepchild
18 years ago
Have you considered sitting down and having a real talk with him about what is going on in his headspace, what he's looking for in a step parent, how he's feeling about the divorce and remarriage, how you feel when he says these things, how you feel used insulted or taken advantage of? If your relationship hasn't been so good have you considered asking his father to ask these questions?

Disengaging may be the easy thing and the thing that hurts less now, but this is just going to fester and rot. He'll get mad that 'his stepmother *obviously* hates him yadda yadda yadda' this will bleed over to his dad which'll bleed over onto you and *everyone* will be hurting even more a few months down the line. Communication is what fixes things, not a lack of it.

There are a lot of really good books out there for the step parents, I'm chewing my way through "Step-families: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the first decade" Its primarily geared to parents with kid or teen aged children and has a heavy emphasis on units that are mother child(ren) and step father but it might be helpful.

Hope this helps.
redheadedstepchild
18 years ago
Oops,
I also meant to say that two of the problems you mention sound to me like really good things. Your stepson *knows* what it upsetting him here, he feels abandoned. The other is something I think you should be proud of: he thinks of you home as 'home' even when he's only there two days out of fourteen.

Abandonment and Wanting it Both Ways

Comments (4)

organic_maria

theotherside

Related Discussions

redheadedstepchild

redheadedstepchild

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US