Let me get this straight...

Mom can't handle preteen kid so she schleps her off to dad. Dad and SM get her in line... do the actual parenting... then mom swoops back in and wants to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Oh wait, she isn't trying to enjoy it... she is trying to undo it... bribing the kid.

Your problem here is much bigger than whether you should take a vacation without her or without your DH. I can understand him not wanting to go and have fun without her, but it's HER choice not to go. Why should HE feel guilty?

Undoubtedly, when SD begins to screw up again because she has no boundaries/rules/limits with mom, as soon as mom is stressed out because she is not 'parenting' but trying to be the hero and kids love to take advantage of that... then mom will be wanting to send SD back to get her straightened out again. If your DH takes her back again... he's a fool. If you stay with him... that's even more foolish.

There's a difference between being supportive and being a doormat and your DH is allowing himself (and you) to be the doormat. Why wouldn't she want to go with mom... mom gives her what she wants and dad is feeling too guilty to have fun without her, so she knows she won't miss out on anything with dad. I'd tell dad to go, have fun, and take lots of pictures so she can see what she's missing.

I am all for family vacations and planning so everyone can go, but when you go out of your way to plan so she can go and then she chooses to do something else, all bets are off. IF her mom was saying she can't go, I'd be saying she has no right to keep her daughter from going on a family trip with dad... but it's SD herself saying she wants to stay with mom and not go. She made her decision, let her live with it and the sooner your DH can figure out the game his daughter is playing, the better off he will be.

what ima said;
this isn't simple bribery, it's sabotage.

Mom doesn't want her daughter's loving companionship, she wants to ruin your trip, & dad is enabling her.

I saw Dean Koontz on an interview show the other night, & he said that his dad was an alcoholic rage-oholic.

The interviewer asked how he had managed to do so well, & the author said that he made a conscious decision to thwart his dad;
his dad wanted him to be miserable, so he decided to be happy.

& he's led a fun & rewarding life.

Hubs needs to break loose from ex's control & live a fun & rewarding life;
if he needs permission (other than his own), give him yours, & tell him he has mine.

I wish you the best.

You had a trip planned and as they say "the show must go on!" Whether sd decides to go or not the trip should still happen!! I would be livid if dh cancelled it because one child decided to take a cell phone instead of going.

As I tell my son and stepkids, the world does not stop when you visit your other parent. At times we still go places and do things while they are gone and others are home.

I sure hope you won't allow DH and x's misery cause you and the other children to miss the trip. Take them anyway and leave his sorry butt at home. Hubs will likely get the messege and come along. If he doesn't, you and your three will have big fun. Do you need his permission to take them on a planned trip (or anywhere)? Not only is he ignoring your wishes and disrespecting you, he's determined to punish his whole family over his temper tantrum and hers to make you all as miserable as they are. Maybe they should have stayed together. They are just alike. I hope you wont allow them to get away with this.

I think your DH wants to play a victim here. If SD is not coming, does he need to suffer and cause everybody's suffering? take your kids and go, he can do whatever. I wouldn't blame SD though, it is EX's fault.