This may sound bleak but I don't think there is anything that can be done. The mother seems clueless and the kids are out of control. He could press the custody agreement but would it be worth it. You know that both kids would be nothing but bitter and nasty for being forced to visit their father. It would probably be miserable visits.

This is a really sad situation. I hate to say it but just sit back and wait. When the boy goes to jail and needs bail or the daughter gets pregnant you will be contacted for "help" A.K.A. Money.

I hope I am wrong and things get easier for you.

Why do they live 4 hours away? Who moved and why? I cant imagine keeping a relationship alive

"Why do they live 4 hours away? Who moved and why? I cant imagine keeping a relationship alive."

I agree with KKNY. My SD's mom moved 3 hours away and her involvement when SD is here is almost non existent. She sees her three weekends a month unless she cancels and rarely talks on the phone. It's not the same as when she lived nearby and saw/talked to her several times a week. As time goes by, the contact (phone & visits) gets less and less. (out of sight, out of mind??) Last year, she didn't have any contact with the school at all and so far this year, she hasn't. She doesn't even come to pick her up, she sends her mom. In time, I can see that SD may begin to resent her leaving & lack of interest in her life. (although now, she hangs on to any thread of hope)

My suggestion was going to be that dad should move closer to his kids if he wants to be more involved in their life. Him living so far away and they are teens that want to do what mom is letting them do, dad really has his hands tied as long as he remains too far away to be involved. If they were little kids, I might suggest trying for custody but it would be hard to get a court to change custody of teens that clearly want to be with mom, even if it's because she lets them do whatever they want. He might have a better chance of moving to the same town and getting shared custody and going to the school & keeping up on their progress. Maybe if they saw he made a greater effort, they would be less rebellious. It's hard to say with teens.

"Why do they live 4 hours away? Who moved and why? I cant imagine keeping a relationship alive"

I may get flamed for this one, but I don't care! That is absolutely not why she posted and is not something they should be punished for, nor does it mean there is no hope for their relationship. Maybe you live in a perfect world where all the opportunities exist in one town, but the rest of us live in the real world.

My husband, daught4er, and I happen to live 3 hours away from ss and our relationship is perfectly alive. My dh and I realize it is a bit of a different relationship than it used to be, but it is still a relationship and an important one at that. We also realize that there will be times when he has something he wants to do with his school friends or something else and will want to not come to our house. In fact, this has happened and while it did sting a bit it is perfectly natural and we just swap weekends so he can see us and have a social life where he lives with his mom. We also realize that these times will happen more as he gets older, BUT he, his father and I, and his mom and stepdad know that him seeing us is very valuable and encourage it and even help with travel at times. We do not pretend that it is the same, but it is still a relationship that is enjoyed by all and very ALIVE!

Telling someone to move closer to the kids is also thinking that we live in a perfect world where there are the same job opportunities every where.

I do agree that being this far away your DH's hands are tied if mom is not interested in coparenting. There is a large amount of control that needs to be given up in order to maintain your sanity.

I am sorry to say that I am not sure that I have a lot of advice for your Zapril. With BM not being in your corner it makes it hard. I know what my dh would do, he would say pick a weekend that works best for you because you are my child and you are coming. I also know that my ss's bm would say the same thing. We are lucky in that both sides feel that it is not optional to not see the other parent at all. You have to try to get on the same page or at least in the same book as the bm. Teenagers do not always know what is best for them and you may just need to give them no choice. They may be mad for now, but they will remember you and your dh cared enough to put up with their attitudes to see them. Also, it is one weekend and I doubt it will ruin their social life forever. Maybe you guys could go do some stuff they enjoy. Don't give up just keep contacting them and let them know you love them.

Mom1sm2-

I do agree with you that jobs sometimes call for a move. Being in a town where jobs SUCK and having to drive an hour and half to work every morning I understand totally where you are coming from.

I think in Ima's and my kids stepmom's case though the parent only moved because of another man....not even a husband but just a new boyfriend. To prioritize your new booty call over your children is a cruddy thing to do any way you slice it. Considering the girl's mom and,correct me if I'm wrong IMA, and Ima's Skids mom don't even WORK, the job theory is blown out of the water in those cases.

Sorry for the Semi-highjack there Zapril. Just felt clarification needed to be made.

doodle, you are right, my SD's mom doesn't work (never has) and moved for a guy she just met, yet she is always 'too busy' to come pick up her daughter and when her daughter is there, she leaves her with BF's parents because they have 'plans' and when SD calls her, she is constantly trying to get off the phone, telling SD to 'call me back in an hour' and when she does, she gets the voice mail. So, it's not a case of moving for a job or even a husband and she used to be very involved with her girls before she left. She complains that WE don't keep her informed. Well, it's the parent's responsibility to keep themselves informed of their kids' life. We send her school bulletins & information, but it's her responsibility to go to the school and talk with teachers or show an interest. She doesn't hardly talk to her daughter... going to the school might shock me.

My point isn't that parents should never move away and that there aren't good reasons. I think finedreams and her ex co-parented from different countries (if I remember correctly) and distance doesn't have to be a barrier. But, if the CP is not cooperative and the kids' relationship with the NCP is suffering or if they are being raised in a manner that the NCP feels is harmful, then the NCP has the option to seek custody or move closer to their kids. You cannot be a long distance parent with much control if the CP disregards your input. It's clear that in this case, the CP is doing that and the kids are also rejecting dad's input. Dad has few options. He can let it go and hopefully resume his relationship with his kids when they are older (as adults) if his relationship (or his kid's lives) aren't permanently damaged, or he can move closer and get more involved. It would be great if he and his ex could get on the same page and agree, but it doesn't sound like they agree on much. It's affecting his kids' attitudes toward dad so while mom1sm2 may be lucky to have a cooperative parenting partners in her situation, it's more difficult to have that when one person doesn't want it.

If it were MY kids, I would not have moved away... but if my ex moved my kids away from me, I would first fight it and if I lost that fight, I would follow my kids because I would not want to be a long distance parent. I do think it is all about priorities and while moving for a job is usually something people use to justify moving away from their kids, I don't think it's always a justification. Personally, I would take a lower paying job to be more involved with my kids. It's a sacrifice I would make. If someone chooses the higher paying job (or just moving for any other reason), then they have less room to complain about how their kids are being raised.

People can keep relationship with their children alive with even more than 4 hours away. It costs a lot of money, a lot of schedule accommodations, a lot of work and cooperation between all the parties, but it could be done.

X and DD did it living very far away from each other-more than 4 hours (flight, not drive). Now when she is an adult she continues close relationship with her father. Well now she is closer to him geographcially so she sees him more than me.

Yes you cannot do weekly visitations but you can maintain relationship despite the geographical distance. provided of course that everyone cooperates.

"Why do they live 4 hours away? Who moved and why? I cant imagine keeping a relationship alive."

Hmmm. If I remember correctly, when I posted about how difficult it was for my DH when his kids were moved far away from him, it didn't really matter.

But...for the record, it IS possible to keep the relationship alive, it just takes a little more time, effort, energy, money and creativity. One has to be sure not to be the "weekend warrior" parent or "Disneyland Dad". My husband worked VERY hard at maintaining his relationship with his kids, and it has paid off. Both of them wanted to spend their high school years here. He missed out on a lot of their childhood with their mom's decision to move far away, but he's enjoyed/enjoying every second of being able to experience their high school years. Had he not made keeping the relationship with them alive when they were so far away, I doubt we'd be enjoying them here with us now. It has to be a priority.

Nicksmom, I dont think the conversation was who moved and why with your dh, but rather he allowed her to move and keep custody.

kkny, that is NOT what the conversation is about. The OP wanted advice on how to better communicate with teenagers that live 4 hours away and don't want to visit dad. They have a mom that allows them to do whatever they want. Did you read the original post?

I agree with the first posting by Doodleboo. It is a sad situation but it sounds like their father has no control over it. Let the mom know that as long as she allows them to behave in this manner you are out of the picture. Stand firm in the beliefs that you and your new hubby have and build the strongest family that you can. When these two kids grow up perhaps things will change. There is no guarantee that they will though so be prepared for that also. Should either one of them get into serious trouble I would do what I could to constructively help them although I'm not sure that would include bailing anyone out of jail. I would need a lot of proof that they were on the right path before I would allow them in my home. Things are scary these days and their friends would be a concern to me also. Limit the contact. You have been threatened...right? Perhaps that should be brought to the attention of the police. I honestly wouldn't trust them.