If I were you I would call dad. Tell him sister loved the dress and you and sm#1 thought it was fine. Let him know how disappointed you will be with all the $ you spent if sister does not wear what you and her picked out.

I think SM#2 is trying to act like she is needed to save the day and will cause a world war by doing so.

Well, if her Mother & Father have no problems with the dress I don't understand why SM#2 feels the need to get involved here.

I would tell your & your sisters father (right?) what SM said & forward him the email and let him handle his wife and whatever issues she may or may not have with the dress.

Seems kind of silly to me, lets face it the prom dresses are more sexy than they were 25 yr.s ago. I'm sure it is lovely and as long as your sisters parents agree that it is fine that should be the end of it. You SM#2 should not have said that to your sister, period. How mean.

~Cat

"Well, if her Mother & Father have no problems with the dress I don't understand why SM#2 feels the need to get involved here."

My opinion exactly! Maybe you should send an e-mail back to SM#2 and tell her that sister's mom didn't have a problem with it and just send the dress back to mom's with sister.

Thanks, I do wonder if my Dad knows about the email or not, I'm guessing NOT because he just isn't the type to get riled up by anything. I don't know though.

And that's what I thought too, Mom2emall, that maybe she is just trying to start something because SM#1 will NOT talk or interact with her and she (SM#2) has been desparately trying to get her attention.

Oh and I forgot to add that SM#2 said she'd take the dress back and use the money (MINE, LOL) to buy the new one.

Cat, I don't even think this dress is sexy at all. That's the other part that got to me. It is very bright, but it is mostly conservative. This is the Sister that will wear a shirt over her bathing suits and refuse to take it off, she does have a very low key style. And it was kinda big deal that Sister wanted to go to this dance and wear a dress, since she normally doesn't like this kind of stuff.

For a prom, your sister should be able to wear what SHE wants to wear as long as her mom and dad both say it's fine. If dad stands by his wife's opinion and doesn't like the dress (ie. thinks it's inappropriate/trashy) then he (not his wife) should take his daughter shopping and spend his own money to buy it and your sister should get to keep the dress you bought since she obviously likes it... (and if dad thinks it's trashy, she should keep it at her mom's house) Most likely, unless it's too revealing (which you say it's not), dad will probably not care one way or the other. At least in my experience, that is how many men view women's clothing issues. If SM2 thinks it's trashy, then it's a good thing she doesn't have to wear it. (I'd be tempted to say it but it would probably only make things worse)

Hang onto the receipt and the dress so SM2 can't return it, she has no right to do that. However, I do think that forwarding the email to dad will only cause more problems since dad is likely to tell his wife you did that and it would come across like you are going behind her back in a sneaky way to get dad on your side. It might be better to go over to dad's with the dress, have sis try it on and tell dad (in front of SM2) that "you, sis and SM1 like it but SM2 doesn't, what do you think?" and if he says he likes it, SM2 will hear it for herself. (that doesn't meant that SM2 hasn't already told dad that she thinks it's trashy) so if dad says he doesn't want sis to wear it, then kindly tell dad that he (and SM2) are welcome to go buy her a different dress and you'll be keeping this one for her because she really likes it. Maybe that will put the brakes on her thinking she can take YOUR dress back and use the money and if she does go shopping for another dress, hopefully it will be one that sis likes too. Sis can always use your dress for another occasion or you can take it back and keep your own money or buy sis something else.

If SM2 is doing this to stir up trouble, by not reacting and going with the flow, it takes all the wind out of her sail.

I do not think that sm#2 should be allowed to return something you bought and use that $ to pick out something she likes.

If it were me I would probably call dad asap. I might even get up the nerve to call sm and tell her that you do not want the dress you bought returned because your sister liked it and she may wear it for another occasion.

It sounds like your sis lives with sm#1 right? So I would assume that her school dance will be on a weekend she is at home with sm#1 and she will be able to wear what she choses!

I like Ima's plan. SM#2 is way out of line in suggesting she return the items you paid for, and less than diplomatic in telling your sister she looked "trashy", even if that's what she thought. Keep the dress!

What a wench.
I would let her know it was a 'good experience' . . . one that your sister asked to have with you.
My bet is SM2 wanted to be the one to take her out and guss her up so she could show up SM1 what a great 'mom' she is. She likely isn't that put off by the dress; it's just an excuse to return it so SM2 can take her out and play the hero.

If mom, dad and sister are all fine with it then Dad needs to step up and tell his wife to back off - and he can only do that if he knows of the problem. Perhaps you should respond to SM2 and ask if she's discussed this with Dad and your sis. Hopefully he's smart enough to catch on if she actually does and shut her down.

I didn't handle this very well at all.

SM#2 sent another email this afternoon asking for the receipts so that she could take Sister out today to buy the new dress. I emailed back that Sister told me she liked it and was going to wear it anyway. If SM#2 wanted to buy her a new dress, nothing was stopping her. SM#2 emailed me back that she thought we were having a misunderstanding, so could we meet and talk since email is not personable? I agreed, so we meet this afternoon for coffee.

Anyway, she voiced her concerns that Sister had a larger chest than most girls her age. She said that when she said trashy, she didn't mean that Sister actually looked that way to her but would to the boys. I still don't get this and I think she is delusional, but didn't say that :)

She isn't that much older than me, but came off very condescending and holier-than-thou. I had to bite my tongue a lot and just said that her mother didn't have a problem with it, Sister didn't, and our father didn't. There wasn't anything she could do and by raising a stink was going to cause some damage. I tried warning her, but I guess I didn't do a good enough job.

Oh and I forgot to mention that I told Sister earlier not to tell her Mom just yet, we will try to work it out.

So I get a call about 30 mins ago from SM#1 screaming at me. I know I should've told her now, but I didn't think SM#2 was this delusional. Apparently after our talk, she went back to Sister and started explaining how she thought boys think and what good girls do and dress like. Sister apparently threw a huge fit, called her Mom. Mom came to pick her up and a screaming match ensued. Now her Mom is pissed at me and I just don't know what I could've done differently.

nivea, you handled it fine. SM#2 was totally out of line, you did your best to let her know, it's not your fault she didn't listen. SM#1 has no reason to be mad at you, what does she think you should have done?

what is SM1 pissed about? I do not get it. you did nothing wrong.

you know what's gonna happen? other two siblings don't want to go to dads, and eventually this one will not want to go either. then SM2 can just sit by herself and buy herself dresses. ha. it is not her business what your sister wears.

boh SMs sounds like a piece of work, i feel for you.

I got the impression that SM#1 expected nivea to let her know about SM#2's little demonstration of insanity right away, which in retrospect, as nivea pointed out, would have been the wiser course of action.

Oh Poor Nivea! Well, just proves that no good deed goes unpunished. What a shame the SM ruined such a special time for sisters. I would be sure to tell your father all about this and how this absolutely took away from what should have been a special time for you two to share.

Good grief, can you imagine what will happen with the wedding dress? Bet your sis would elope after this experience!

I don't think you did anything wrong, you tried to cover all the bases and handled yourself like a adult. Tell your father how you feel.

I'm sorry this happened to you & your sister, it was wrong & cruel on many levels.

~Cat

SM#1 is mad at me because she said that I should've told her right away about SM#2 calling her daughter trashy. I agree and I should have told her, but I knew how she would react and was only trying to kind of soften everything.

I also think she is mad that Sister chose to call me first.

SM#1 and my Dads divorce is not final. In my state you have to be separated for a year. During this time SM#1 has gotten some kind of visitation order where the youngest is not allowed to be around SM#1 during visitation and it is up to the older two's discretion whether they want to be around SM#2.

SM#1 said she is going to use this example in court why SM#2 shouldn't be around the older two as well.

The thing is, I don't agree with SM#2 and my Dad. I can't believe my Dad chose to act and end his marriage this way, even though SM#1 and I have a very rocky history and I think she is crazy as well. But SM#1 is not making things any easier on her kids and they do want to see our Dad.

It's just an ugly situation and I wonder if I should just withdraw from it completely. But then my Sister does like being around me and having me to talk to, I was there once and she has said she can talk to me freely while she can't with her Mom and our Dad.

Oh Nivea, what a mess. I feel for you.

If at all possible, I would cut off as much contact with all but your sisters, and your dad if you want him included right now. Let the SM's know you are not a messenger, spy or therapist and if they have an issue it needs to be dealt with between the 'moms' and dad. What are the ages of your sisters - are they able to be out and around without mom much?

"I wonder if I should just withdraw from it completely."

Your sister needs to maintain her relationship with you, but it would probably be best for you to withdraw from sharing your opinion (even with her) over her parent's divorce. It's not a good situation for her and no matter what you do, you can't fix things for her. All you can do is be a support and offer your ear/shoulder. Her parents are going to do what they are going to do and you can't change that, but interjecting (even if it's in your sister's best interest) is only going to make yourself a target for your stepmoms to direct their anger/frustrations at you.

If she can talk freely with you, she needs to have you for that and if you attempt to mediate or interfere with problems between your stepmoms, they may eventually try to keep her from seeing you... SM1 is already showing you that she will cut off her kids from dad because of SM2's actions.

Divorce isnt final yet? I am so sorry for all the children involved.

Just be there for your sister/s.

Let the SM's & Your Dad deal with each other and try not to get sucked into it all. You did a nice thing, you did nothing wrong. I really think that none of this is "about the dress".

It's about two supposedly grown women having a power play and the kids are getting caught in the middle and perhaps your dad is trying to stay out of the line of fire.

Again, I feel bad for you but no don't let that stop you from having that bond with your siblings.

(Hug)

~Cat

Thanks everyone and Cat, I agree with you. It's not about the dress at all.

I'm so terribly bad at picking up when someone is playing me. I've been turning this over and over in my head since last night and I really think SM#2 just set this up since she knew SM#1 wouldn't talk to her and this was a way to get to her, through me and my Sister.

Imamommy, I agree with you and I haven't told my Sister (or the others) what I personally think. I just let them vent and say stuff like adults sometimes make decisions that we don't always understand...that kind of stuff.

I just am very terribly bad at picking up on when someone is playing me and don't always know how to handle it. I usually just confront head on, but learning from my original SM (the original gangsta, ha ha!) that these kind of women are much more passive-aggressive and I just don't deal with things that way. Which makes me an easy target to do something stupid because they have it all planned out and I'm just sitting there looking stupid like wth just happened????

Ugh, I'm going to pyscho-analyze this and myself to death. I just wish people were normal and easy.

Nivea, best of luck.

YOu might want to think about having lunch with dad and talking to him. IMHO, SM2 is overstepping boundaries. Maybe she is stressed out with issues -- maybe she feels insecure given she is dating/living with a married man. Many people here dont have a problem with that, but I do, and I suspect it is indicative of people who make bad choices, dont care about children, etc. In any event, you might talk to dad as to how SM2 is not being very nice. He should care about his children.

nivea,

I am a little confused - if the visitation order prohibits "SM#2" from being around your sister, how did she see the dress? Or is this one of the older siblings?

No, TOS the one that she cannot be around is the youngest. The older two are allowed to choose at this time, whether they want to visit Dad with SM#2 around. All of this is temporary orders btw and is suject to change until all of the final hearings and there is some kind of therapy involved too.

Hey, thanks KKNY. I don't know, I've just found it really hard to even talk to my Dad other than the hi, how's the weather kind of stuff. If it doesn't bother him, he doesn't care. That's how it was for me growing up and I don't see him changing.

Hugs -- you are trying to do the best, and he seems obvlious. I was suggesting you try to talk to him, as he might percieve you as less biased than SM1.

Wow, Nivea, what a mess. I have enough trouble with ***ONE*** over-controlling SM who tries to start s**t over little picayune grievances with things I do/don't do, say/don't say... I can't imagine having to deal with TWO of them!!! The only thing that perhaps makes your situation slightly more bearable is that at least ALL of the ire is not being directed soley at you. Still, what a freaking hornet's nest...

I think SM1 was a bit too picky getting upset with you because you didn't tell her about SM2's little fit (and I hope SM1 is over it). Given the circumstances and the personalities involved, SM1 hopefully would understand why you might have chosen to simply ignore SM2's attempt to sabotage your sister's special day as well as several people's efforts surrounding it. Actually, my first inclination was to advise you to pretend you didn't even get the email. After all, SM2's request of the receipts was so outrageous as to be absurd, and if she doesn't like the dress you bought she can buy another one WITH HER OWN MONEY--- not your Dad's money and not your money, but HER OWN if her 'sensibilities' are so easily offended (or if she is that jealous of a younger female being able to fill out a dress and ---gasp!--- get some ATTENTION from BOYS at a DANCE). Let her also pay for a breast reduction for your sister if she can't handle the fact that breasts come in all sizes or how others may react to such a reality...

But in thinking about it, I can see where it may have been helpful to SM1 to give her a heads-up that SM2 was on the warpath. Even though SM2's email (and her proposed solution) was directed to you and affected you, not necessarily SM1 except for the overall bile hanging over the entire situation. But if you're going to be put in this situation where you are forced to say something to anyone, then the priority would be to address it with your Dad.

Maybe it would be good to have a group meeting with the relevant adults in this situation, you know, since SM2 decided to yoke everyone into a conflict. You, Dad, SM1 and SM2 all get together and explicity discuss boundaries and everyone gets their say on the subject. "Let's decide here and now, while we're all sitting here together, exactly which subjects are whose business and how to best go about resolving certain issues. For example, recently SM2 was upset at a dress I bought my sister. In my opinion, she certainly has a right to her feeling about it and she has options as to what she will do about her feelings. In my opinion, asking something of ME to redress [if you will] her grievance was not a viable solution. After all, I had already made my contribution to my sister and if the situation was not to SM2's liking, it is up to SM2 to seek to change it independently as she is the one going against the grain. It is her business to choose to buy Sis another dress, and Sis' business to choose which dress she will wear. If either her father or her mother object to either dress, that is their business as her parents and either of them may choose to buy her additional dresses. As for the matter of who should get the final say over which dress she actually wears, it should be Sis, choosing from dresses her father and mother have deemed acceptable. If her father and mother disagree, then perhaps a coin should be flipped to decide the matter. If SM2 is still concerned about Sis's safety after the matter of the dress has been decided, then perhaps she can purchase a pepper spray keychain for Sis to carry in her purse and perhaps she can request a quick phone call or two throughout the event and to be notified if Sis leaves the dance as to where she is going and with whom. Perhaps SM2 can also call the school and discuss safety precautions with them if it will make her feel better**."

[* = Because that's what SM2 will say, that it's about 'safety'.
** = SM2 won't bother, guaranteed.]

Don't let SM2 get away with attempts to drive everyone crazy/away. If she is not going to recognize limitations to what control and what options she does/doesn't have in a situation, let her burn HERSELF out getting into a tizzy over the perceived abominations. Never let her create the impression that anyone but herself is the cause of the trouble in a scenario like this. In this situation, SHE is the one who didn't like the dress, a dress which everyone else liked and which was not for her nor any biological child of hers to wear anyway. It is a matter that should have absolutely no effect on her or her life. She is choosing to create a problem, but of course she will behave as though YOU or whoever else created the problem. If it is impossible to ignore it, then the only solution is to nip it in the bud. Also, in as much as it's possible for you to do so, don't let SM2 destroy your sister's body image. My SM pulled the same crap with me and clothes and tried to justify it with similar excuses. In this case, it is about frustrated needs for control, to control another person's very body and self-presentation, it's not about "safety" or being "helpful". Clothing matters are delicate enough when it's a parent, or at least a step-parent who has consistently proven over several years that their intentions are good and that their input leads to improved self-esteem and trust, not conflict or an eating disorder.

Nivea - It's not up to you to feed SM1 with ammunition on SM2. This may be against popular opinion, but I don't think you did anything wrong by not telling SM1 about what SM2 said. SM1 is just mad at you because you didn't act like her perfect little spy.

Really, you are blameless in this. The sad part is it seems like you were trying to be the peace-maker. I'm sorry this all blew up in your face. But maybe this is what was needed to show SM1 that you are on the side of your siblings and not on either SM's side. You may actually find yourself in a more comfortable situation with your siblings after all is said and done.

I agree with ashley, it is not your job to be a messenger. You did nothing wrong, these women are mean and crazy and I feel for the kids and you. and it is so wrong of your dad to live with TOW before divorce is final.