Oh six is such a wonderful age with little kids. So many new things to teach them, so many new things for them see and explore. You can enjoy your own youth again vicariously through the fresh eyes of a child. I would recommend that you spend a bunch of time with this young lad, get to know him, make some noise with him, make a mess in the kitchen and count yourself among the blessed to have this opportunity.

If you really can't love this relationship for what it is, you need to move on and find one more suitable for you.

I think you need to move on to a childless relationship.

Kids are noisy and yes sometimes demanding that will not change and in fact the child & your boyfriend will start to sense your true feelings about him which is frankly unfair to them both. The kid deserves to be in a household that is welcoming to him both at his mother & fathers. His father deserves to be with a woman that can deal with being a stepparent cause trust me the boy will be around forever-it is HIS CHILD.

And you deserve to be in the childless relationship that you desire. This isn't it. Sorry to be so blunt, but there it is.

~Cat

Sorry Cosmic but daddy andf son are a package deal. I suggest if you can not be happy with the child around you need to move on.

The bio mother will always be in the picture too. Be GLAD she is a decent involved mother. My step daughters have a very mentally unstable mother who is a constant burden on us....when she's around that is.

You deserve to be happy. If a childless relationship is what you want it is rather obvious you should have chose a childless man to be with. It isn't fair for anyone involved should you decide to stick around.

Also (and I hate to put this in 'doom and gloom' terms), it's likely that b/c of your feelings about the situation (the fact that you aren't really a kid person, which I applaud you for being able to honestly admit) your feelings for your BF will change, and not in a positive way. You love him now and think he's fantastic but there will be things he does and choices he makes which will really hurt you if you're not in the same heart and head space he's in regarding kids, or at least as close to being so as is possible w/o them being your bio-kids. The commitments of time and energy and attention and money and love and concern and last-minute snafus, etc. are part & parcel of being a parent and they will continue for many years. Six years old is in many ways a dream age (after the worst of dirty diapers and after the "terrible twos" but not yet a hormonally charged preteen, not yet a teen testing limits and pushing buttons all over the place), so if you don't like the scene now, you will not like it probably ever, and it will get harder. So yeah, you're going to fnd resentment building at your BF, which will have its own effect on your relationship with him. And/or you will deflect some or a lot of that resentment onto the kid, which isn't fair, because you so want things to be a certain way with your BF. In turn, both of them will resent being resented, which will also affect their relationship with each other and each of their separate relationships with you.

I'm saying all this is likely to be the case based on how you've described the situation and your feelings, which fortunately you have the self-awareness to admit and the foresight to be able to make a decision before you're in knee-deep. If you don't FULLY, HONESTLY feel like you can change how you feel or learn to accept certain facts without feeling regretful or decide that you DO want BF's kid in both of your lives, then the only choice that is kind to everyone (including you) is to back out, as hard as it seems to be now...

Another thing to bear in mind is that if you have a selective perception of your BF, which is one that kinda tunes out the fact that he has a kid and wishes he could be childless and focuses on that, then really you are not FULLY in love with him because a major part of his identity is "Father", and that is reality. You may be more in love with a fantasy (as opposed to the actuality) of who he is and what he's about and what his life and identity entails. Thus you are not in love with "all of him". Maybe in some wierd way that will provide a perspective that makes it easier to walk away if you decide you must. You are still very young, with many years ahead and there are many many men in this world who don't have kids and who you can be *entirely* in love with.

If your current predicament were as easily solved as saying "I can handle one day a week of the son", not to mention if it were conscionable to even request that, there wouldn't be so many issues in blended families. Because every blended family would simply solve their issues by sticking the kid somewhere out of sight, elsewhere, for the majority of the time and it would magically be like a non-issue. You just can't ask or expect that because of those pesky things called feelings that get in the way. Your BF's feelings about it, and the kid's feelings about it. Not to mention that if you deep down just DON'T WANT KIDS in the picture, then even cutting down the visitation time won't solve your problem. Even the kid moving to Mars wouldn't solve the problem because there is always going to be some connection between BF and his kid, there will always be certain decisions and sacrifices that take him into account, and the truth of it is you will resent those too.

This isn't to bash you for your feelings of resentment; you are certainly not alone in that, and like I said, you are fortunate to be so self-aware and honest about your real feelings. How I wish, for the sake of so many people stuck in some of the worst tangles a blended family can bring, that more people would have been honest with themselves and their partners before making decisions and commitments that deeply affect the lives of all involved. And hey, I don't know how much of a "kid person" I am either, truth be told....

To be blunt, you want a future. His son is his past, present and future . . . and so is his ex as long as they have a child together. If this is too much for you to handle, you really have no future.

That said, it is good you realize now there are issues. Don't think this will all change as your relationship grows as it won't, and shouldn't. His child should be his number 1 priority, and that type of situation isn't for everyone. Doesn't make you a bad person, just not a person cut out for a step parent role. Best to cut your losses now, I fear. Sorry to be the rainy cloud over your parade.

Thanks for all of the thoughtful responses. I pretty much expected the answers I got. It's just hard to hear.

Cosmic-

It's hard to choose a lifestyle over someone you love but in the end you have to do what is going to best for you. If you KNOW you arn't a kid person this relationship will end up causing you and everyone else a ton of stress in the long run. You won't stay happy for long.

Good luck! I really hope things work out for you.

Lifestyle is a correct term. Do not think you can "ride" out your feelings. The situation is constantly changing due to child growing. Consider this: a medical emergency for any of the three is going to involve all of them, and not necessarily you. You will feel like a third wheel during those times. When money is needed for the child or BM, the father will not hesitate to break the bank to help them out. (maybe not the BM, but it sounds for your situation they are on good terms). When the child grows up and needs to live at your home, that will happen without your input. College expenses, money for grandchildren, it all compounds. So will your current unease. It will compound. You need to be honest about your misgivings and ask for a break move out. Allow yourself time to breathe easier and happier despite your heartbreak over your mate.

Although I agree with the suggestion that you move on, my perspective is a little different;

a boyfriend/fiance/husband who's "in constant contact" with his ex is just not available for a primary relationship with another woman.

Cut the strings, cut your losses, & find someone who's actually available, or be single & happy.

I wish you the best.

Dear Wistful,

That medical emergency has already happened along with karate recitals, birthday parties and Christmas get togethers. I know that "third wheel" feeling all too well and it's not good. When I think about these things it makes it easier to imagine walking away from it all.

don't think of it so much as walking away from him (them) but just walking toward a situation better suited to you, and giving them the chance to do the same.

I wish you strength.