I believe that comment was directed at me so I am going to respond to KKNY here since doodle's thread is pretty long. Yes, I came to GW and posted a thread asking should I throw in the towel? I was frustrated. That's why most of us come here in the first place. We get frustrated. We need to vent or get support or ideas on how to deal with frustrating situations. For the most part, I think most people that come here want things to get better, just like I do. I think that's one of the GREAT things about a forum like this.

It was never my idea to send SD back to her mom. It certainly isn't my decision to make. Being with her mother is something that SD wants. Unfortunately, her mother has not stepped up and shown that she wants to be a parent and my husband feels it's best for SD to be in a stable home with him. SM's don't get to decide if it's best for us. I know it's best for her to stay here, even if I get dragged through the mud from time to time. If I thought it would be best for her to be with her mom, I'd be there to support her in that, even if I had to convince my husband otherwise. But, I do support my husband because he's right, SD is better off with us right now.

Sure, I'll admit that it would be easier for me if she went back to her mom. It would probably be less expensive to write out a child support check than what it costs me now, with school clothes, lunches, field trips, sports (& uniforms), scouts (activities & uniforms), haircuts, doctor visits, time off from work when she needs me, etc. It would be better for me, not better for her. That decision needs to be made by her parents and so far, her mom has done nothing to make it happen. She hasn't even tried to discuss it with my husband. The only indication she's given that she wants SD to live with her is written in a court paper she filed in response to his child support petition. She may now take steps to get custody because she doesn't want to pay child support but it's likely that if DH told her she didn't have to pay, she would not bother with trying for custody. She doesn't want the bother of being responsible for her children. She was annoyed constantly with SD over the summer and let her do anything she wants just to keep her out of BM's hair. When BM couldn't hack it anymore, she took SD to her BF's parents house, she didn't call DH and ask if he wants SD for a while so she can calm down. From the time I met her, BM would have bouts where she can't handle SD and send her to DH back when they were doing week on/week off. So, I'd agree that when she gave DH custody, she did the right thing for SD. Only SD doesn't understand and BM constantly gets her hopes up that she can be with her and then it doesn't happen, SD gets upset with me... she thinks it's my fault. That's what her mom tells her & I get to take the brunt of SD's anger over the situation, when in reality, I have no control. Yeah, it makes MY life harder, but maybe that's BM's objective. I'd hate to think she puts her kid on an emotional roller coaster for any other reason than to punish me. I hang onto the belief that she is ignorant of the pain she inflicts on her daughter by trying to piss me off or make my life hell. It would really be sad if she knew her daughter's pain and disregarded it because she doesn't like me.

So, yeah I came here and vented and sought support because I was feeling like I couldn't take it anymore. I love this child and I feel her pain when her mom hurts her and for it, I get crapped on. I am very grateful to those that told me to hang in there and things have actually gotten much better in the last couple of weeks. I just needed someone to tell me it's gonna get better. My love for her is unconditional. I love my children unconditional but I don't allow them to treat me like crap, why would I allow my SD to? Teaching a child to treat others the way they want to be treated is a life lesson given out of love. If you don't teach children how to behave in life, the children are the ones that pay the price for that later on. If you allow them to become self centered, uncaring or mean spirited adults that never take responsibility for what they do, then their lives might be more difficult as not everyone in the world is going to love them unconditionally and forgive their rudeness or selfishness.

Ashley1979:
I'm glad you said something. That rubbed me the wrong way too. I don't think her expression of frustration at her husband had anything to do with her love for the children.

Imamommy:
"If you don't teach children how to behave in life, the children are the ones that pay the price for that later on. If you allow them to become self centered, uncaring or mean spirited adults that never take responsibility for what they do, then their lives might be more difficult as not everyone in the world is going to love them unconditionally and forgive their rudeness or selfishness. "

That's exactly it. I feel the same way. And I tell my daughter that. I want her to say please and thank you because that will make people happy to give her what she's asking for, not to say it because it's the "right thing" to say. I want her to tell the truth about things because being evasive will not benefit her in the long run, and others will not be so forgiving.

As in my other thread about "tonight" it was said she didn't lie, she just evaded the truth. I'd like to see any one of us, when we ask our DH where they just were, that he says "I don't remember" and we feel good about it! These lessons go beyond small incidences of selfishness, or lying, or petty behavior. This is setting them up for failure in life.

Ima - it's not just your situation. I was also thinking of Pseudo's situation and how heart-wrenching that has been for her.

In my own relationship with FSD, I do unconditionally love her. But she hasn't accepted that love. I can't force it on her. And when it seems like she is finally willing to accept it, BM gets in the way and stops it and we end up back at square one. I would do anything for her. And most of my anger and frustration comes from pain. Yeah, every incident is new pain and still very raw. No, I haven't gotten calloused to it and neither has DH.

But, my point is that even though I went from being with her EW to EOW and now to hardly-ever, my LOVE for her has never been less than unconditional. I feel the same about my nieces and such. Just because I'm not a "parent" to her doesn't mean I love her any less. Honestly, it's actually harder because I can't combat any of BMs brain-washing tactics that I know are not the best for her. I only want her to be the happiest and most well-rounded girl. But I have no say-so in anything. So the love I have for FSD is more painful to me. It's hard to love someone and only be allowed to be in certain parts of their life and no less special to them than the person down the street.