Years of verbal abuse that diminished you and wore down your self-esteem,
separating you from all of your friends, (who would have told you your hubby is an a$$)
alienating friends (even his own) if they supported you,
pressuring you to become 'Stepford', (then criticizing you because, of course, it isn't possible)
disdain for your abilities and talents (they must be worthless, whatever they are) --

These are ALL classic tools of the trade for narcissists, and things my first hubby did to me. Keep on reading about narcissism and you'll understand why they have this desparate need to do this. Understand that it's not about you -- just their own sick pathology that they have to act out:

- They have to push you away emotionally, because if they 'let you in', you'll see they are not as grand as they need you to believe they are. You'll be able to tell they're big fakes (and stop 'worshipping' them) if they let you close enough.

- They have to diminish you (and lots of others) so they can be better than someone, because deep in their psyches, they know (or fear) that they're vulnerable. They constantly need to 'prop up' their places in the social order, and this is the root of many, many behaviors. They'll keep a mental 'pecking order' that's detailed to the nth degree, and believe everyone else thinks the same way.

- They lump people into two categories - 'worthy' (social equals or better) or 'unworthy' (poor, fat, unattractive), and only want to be associated with the beautiful, successful people who, by association, prop up their self-images. (By the way - he used to make you feel great, didn't he?) Artist and former model? You were the perfect showpiece wife! (Too bad you're human...)

- They punish severely if anyone ever embarasses them in any way. Public embarassment is the absolute worst fear they can imagine. (You may want to keep this in the back of your mind, because it's powerful leaverage and you may need it.)

- They are experts at contempt and disdain. For most, it's their weapon of choice.

You're so lucky to be an artist! I so wish I would have had an artistic outlet for all of my emotions at that time. They'll be colorful, painful, enraging, liberating -- cathartic. I hope your art can provide the emotional outlet that will enable you to heal quickly, and that all of your emotions can provide a rich fodder for your work.

You've found the name of a doctor -- Congratulations! That is the first step. Now make the call and set up that first appointment. As far as your husband changing -- Sadly, it's very unlikely, statistically. Why would he change? His whole life is a desparate attempt to prove that he's not flawed, and by admitting a need to change, he'd be admitting to a flaw -- a serious one. It's a big Catch 22 that rarely happens with narcissists. He'll first discredit anyone who says he is ("You? You're not an expert! What do you know!? You read one book! Your counselor? She's not even a doctor! She's a psychiatrist? They think everyone is crazy! or The whole profession is just a joke!") Then he'll project it onto you. ("You're the control freak! You're the one who's always worried about how she looks. You're the one seeing the 'mental health' person -- so obviously, you're the one with the problem!"))

But if he can admit the problem, there's a shot at improvement, and it could be the possible imminent loss of his beautiful 'trophy wife' (his view, despite what he does to you) could spur a spark of genuine introspection. And I understand your need to try. I stayed in marriage counseling for a full year, because I didn't want to be divorced. But once I admitted that I was much happier without him than I was with him, the rest was easy.

Sorry to butt in...but I just had to tell you that you seem to have an endless amount of knowledge. You always seem to have the answers!! When I read your post I always find myself nodding in agreement..keep up the great work of educating and encouraging people like me! Thanks!!

I'm glad this information could help someone, Scarlett. Believe me, it was hard-earned over a very painful ten-year marriage...

But if it can save someone else a day or a week or a year or more of living through that same he!!, then it was worth dragging up all that pain again.

I haven't gotten back to you and for this I do apologise. My husband is basically not a very nice person. There is no point in arguing. He will always see his side and I will always see mine. I asked him for a divorce. I love him with all my heart and I guess right now it's breaking my heart.

Sweeby, I do appreciate your analysis. I think what makes me feel worse is reading comments by SMs as to how "unworthy" the first wife is.

Thanks KK -- I was one of those 'unworthy' 1st wives once... Until I wised up and dumped the P.O.S. I really hope he isn't doing the same carp to his second wife (my son's SM) because she's really a very nice person who is good to my son. Her first husband beat her -- so perhaps verbal and psychological abuse is a step up. Or - perhaps she wised up and toughened up enough the first go 'round to hold her own, when I was too young and impressionable... Once upon a time, I really made a very good doormat ;-)

Aldra - You don't worry about me right now. I'm in a good place and not prone to getting my feelings hurt if you don't write back right away. But I DO want to know you're OK and moving forward. Have you met with a counselor yet? Seriously - You will feel so good when you do! And I hope it was just a figure of speech when you said "ask him for a divorce". That's not something you ask for; it's something you notify him of.

What you said about no point is arguing -- that he will always see his side? That point is SO ON TARGET! He is probably not even capable of understanding your side - seriously - so there's really not much point in trying to explain it. The only real reason he would have for wanting to know your reasons would be so he could refute them and shoot them down, NOT so he could understand your feelings. Those don't matter to him.