Thanks for all your hard work Karen! Can't wait to read it in its entirety. Jodi-

Sieryn, I dont know if you should be done with your dad over a missed visit and the grandchild being disappointed,maybe you should be done, just for right now....I m so conflicted over this type of situation right now, I cant sleep..I was estranged from my dad (and 3 sisters who took his side) for over 2 years now.......He told my sisters I was mismanaging his money, and was using it for myself....100 per cent not true...My dad has always been an immature, attention seeking person all his life...Always wanted people to feel sorry for him... Anyway, I got angry at the accusation, didnt try to even defend myself, gathered all his money , and dropped a check at my sisters house, as in you go ahead and do better..It was a burden to me anyway...Have not spoken to 3 sisters or dad in 2 years...Got a call June 2 from sister, dad has 3 to 6 weeks to live....So I went to visit him 3 times since, he has apparently forgotten what ever caused the estrangement to begin with,asking me why I m angry at my sisters,now one of the sisters is taking him into her home this week, I doubt I will ever see him again.....He was a good dad , worked very hard to support a huge family, we all went to private school....I am glad I worked up the guts to go see him...I m still angry,but sorry I didnt patch this up sooner...oh, this post is a rambling mess, just dont know what to do, or how to feel.....

"Blood ties have nothing to do with it." My point exactly (see my previous post "Attachments"). I have two male cousins who divorced their first wives. I love my cousins but also cared deeply for the women to whom they were married. I still consider them family. They are welcome in my home. I visit them when I am back there. My relationship to them, my consideration of them as "family" does not alter the fact that they are no longer "family" to their ex-spouses. My one cousin refused to speak to his mother (my aunt) for an extended period of time because, like Kathline's X-MIL, she refused to renounce his XW. Her attitude was "You divorced her. I didn't." Eventually, my cousin got over himself and reconciled with his mom. In my post on another thread, I wrote that mothers and their children are and always will be family to one another; that fathers and their children will always be family to one another. In writing this, I was simply acknowledging a biological bond; in writing that XWs & XHs are no longer family to each other, I was referring to a "legal" attachment. (For those of you who did not read that earlier thread of mine, I suggested we can become attached/bonded to others on as many as seven different levels: emotional, spiritual, legal, financial, sexual, geographical, and biological/parental. We do not necessarily become attached to others on all 7 dimensions and the intensity of the attachment may be differ, also). I believe it was KKNY who responded to the post with something along the lines of "when ex-spouses share children, there will always be a relationship between them. I agree. And I would hope for the sake of any shared children, the relationship would be cooperative and cordial. It just strikes me as ironic (and somewhat contradictory) that some would deny the validity of the loving attachments that can and do exist between Stepparents and their stepchildren because of the absence of a biological bond but will vehemently insist that the bonds they have to the biological relatives of their former spouses remain valid and deserving of respect and recognition. Because, after all, "blood ties have nothing to do with it." I agree.

Ha. My Ex actually linked up with SM at a daycare where my children were going. He left me for her, and actually it was humorous to see her thinking she knew more about raising children than I did. He, after divorcing me, married her, and she was their stepmom. And actually I did see after I got over my anger that she was a pretty good person. Eleven years later she left my ex by moving in with and finally marrying his ex best friend. My Ex was livid, of course. Ha Ha. I could have used that to the hilt. It was sad to me to watch SM try to have a relationship with our children, and my Ex and now also her Ex also tried to stop that relationship with everything in his being. I was now the one who held all the power. I could have blown her out of the water. And you know what, many people told me here is the biatch who stole your husband pay her back. It was actually one of my daughters' friends who said to me, SM is really trying hard here, give her some slack. That statement made me think. And the friend was right. It did make sense. There was no reason why I should stand in the way of a relationship simply because my Ex moved on, or was forced to move on. I have been married to my second husband for 15 years now, a marriage that I think will go on until we die. My EX is now into his third marriage, and now what I say to my girls is this. Your dad's new wife is in fact your stepmother, but it isn't the same this time for you. They are 20 now. And yes first SM, and her mom and her dad and her sisters and all their children have special times with "my" kids, and none of them wanted to say goodbye. I say you are all more than welcome because that is what my girls want. Is it hard? You bet you it is hard. It is likely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But when you have kids it isn't about you anymore is it.