I'm so sorry.

This girl didn't get this way overnight.

& I'd guess that her mother's story might be different from what the daughter has told you; in fact, I'd guess her mother's story might be very similar to yours.

You & hubs must sit down together & agree to make a committed, united effort.

Until & unless he's on board as a responsible father who cannot be manipulated, neither you nor your stepdaughter nor your own daughter have a chance.

& get this girl into serious therapy.

This isn't just teen-aged rebelliousness or step-child resentment.

Something is terribly terribly wrong.

As of now, immediately & absolutely, don't take her word for anything, check everything, don't give her access to anything living, & don't leave her alone with her little sister.

Again, I'm so sorry, & I wish you & your family the best.

I have some experience with an SD that lies and manipulates. Be warned that your SD is also probably stealing. In my case, the behaviour got much worse after the 16th birthday. I honestly think that the problem is a complex mixture of nature and nurture. My SD came from a line of seriously disturbed people (Mom is a psychopath, Grandpa was a serial pedophile). She had some awful influences. But there was also something more, beyond just the trauma of her bad relatives. She never seemed to understand the difference between right and wrong, or really care about anyone. She seemed to always just say what worked, without any regard for the truth. She pretended to be nice to little kids when people were watching, but she was rude and snappish if she thought that she was unobserved.

I agree that you need some professional help here. This type of person will create chaos in your house and you need to sure that you and your husband present a united front in dealing with it.

I have a step daughter much like you describe. Her mother raised her until age 12 and sent her to us bulimic and a mess. Her therapist at the time told us to not leave her alone with her little brother. She exhibits qualities of a sociopath.
My H and I have worked with her and she has moments of improvement . She is now 17. She has gotten to the point that she can mange her self appropriately most of the time. She has been in therapy but I am not sure it helped. I think time in a normal healthy home helped. I do agree with the other posts....protect yourself and your other children. Always - and it is important that your H is aware of the manipulation and does most of the hard parenting. United parenting is a must.
I also distanced myself emotionally early on. I noticed you said you love her. I gave up on that and have been much happier ever since. I try to think of our relationship as a professional one. She is a troubled teen and I am a pretty darn good, "professional" parent. I think it is ok to not love her- She has other family members who love her.

'She never seemed to understand the difference between right and wrong, or really care about anyone. She seemed to always just say what worked, without any regard for the truth'

Google sociopathy for an eye-opening experience.

Examination of the brains of sociopaths, con artists, etc revealed that they have a different type of brain:
rather than 'gray matter', they have an awful lot of 'white matter'.

Gray matter has to do with thinking;
white matter has to do with perception, manipulation, the ability to pass polygraph tests when you're lying (as you said, it isn't about the truth, it's about what they need you to believe).

All the therapy in the world won't change them;
it'll teach them how to manipulate the therapist!

Sylvia- that is exactly what happened

You have no idea how much this has helped me just to know I am not alone! I was feeling like I was the only one with this problem!
So many things that each of you have said totally apply here she doesn't actually care about anyone, and she totally will tell you what she thinks you want to hear or if someone has put a thought in her brain (ex. its because of the new baby I am acting this way... next day ask her same question totally different answer) That was a year ago and it depended on who asked her! She has been seeing a councilor through the school for the past 2 years and lies and manipulates her all the time luckily she caught on after talking to me a couple of times! But now that councilor retired so we will have to start over!
Her dad sees that she is manipulative and that things need to change but he doesn't want to take a big roll He feels guilt over not being there very much when she was younger and he just doesn't know how to parent. He also feels that the mother(me) should do most of the disciplining and yes with my own children I am fine with that but with my SD it doesn't work when she doesn't care about me. He also doesn't want to believe that something could be wrong with her!
I have one question and this may sound like a weird question but how do you distance yourself from someone who is always there? I am a person with a huge heart for kids and I don't want her to feel like she is different then my own kids. But at the same time I cant do it anymore and I feel like a horrible person for putting her and her constant need of attention on the back burner for my daughter! Thank you so much for your replies!

Another thing my SD does is spend crazy amounts of time in her room with her door shut! We have told her the door needs to be shut if she is not in there or if she is playing with really small things that her sister could choke on but otherwise she can leave it open! Unless we tell her to come out she will stay in there all day except for supper and shower! She reads and plays her DSI! I know the books she is reading are healthy and good books. But my H and I are seriously thinking of putting a time limit on how much she can be in her room! Is that a good idea?

I just meant distanced myself emotionally. Outwardly, she gets treated as equally as possible. I mean, I cook her favorite foods and she says, "I am not hungry." but I keep cooking them. I greet her cheerfully each morning and she stares at me blankly, but I do it every day.
I just try not to fret about it or take it personally. I just guard my heart, so to speak. I focus my love on those that want it. I focus my best care and attention on her- because she needs it, clearly. Each of our kids are different...and need different things.
Also, I think it is critical, the FATHER NEEDS TO TAKE OVER MOST OF THE PARENTING/DISCIPLINING. (caps for emphasis :-) You are at a clear disadvantage for all the reasons you mention.

I found a book I read a few years ago that really helped me. "Stepmonster: A real look at why step mothers think and act the way we do." I thought I was a bad person for feeling the way I did. This book really helped.
cheers

I don't know, the door on the room thing might just be about "becoming a young lady and wanting privacy". Our daughter did and does this. Instead of fighting about it, We always tried to keep her busy with activities- away from home.

Sports have been really great for her. Bonding with a team of girls and working towards a common goal. She likes it too, so it is not a battle.

If not sports, maybe drama club or band... depends on her interests.

'FATHER NEEDS TO TAKE OVER MOST OF THE PARENTING/DISCIPLINING.'

amen.

He's her father, he can't delegate that.

Trying to weasel out of it (he thinks 'the mother' should do it because he isn't 'the mother'!) will guarantee a snowballing disaster.

Whatever you do, do *not* let yourself be put into a position in which you're the bad guy, because that could put you, or someone you love, like the little one, in jail, in the hospital,or worse.

'In jail' because people like this can lie & be believed when you're telling the truth & nobody believes you!
If she says you beat her, you tried to make her take drugs, you brought a man into the house for her to have sex with...people will believe her!

Husband can't afford denial:
he must acknowledge & accept that there *is* something very wrong here & participate in whatever counselling or therapy he can get lined up.

If it were just him & his daughter in the house, denial would work until the police & the tv reporters showed up on the doorstep, but it isn't just the 2 of them.

Whatever you've got invested in this relationship, it isn't worth your life or your quality of life.

You can't live with someone like this & be somehow above it all, detached from it;
it's like living with an alcoholic.
You get sucked into their whirlwind, & your life is no longer your own.

My mother was a sociopath, & she destroyed at least 4 people's possibilities for 'normal', healthy lives, probably more, because her sister & brothers were all a little off-balance.

Life with a sociopath is a constant strain, a struggle;
you can't get anything done, can't have your own schedule, hobbies, classes, anything, because they'll throw you for a loop every time, & you'll spend all your time trying to maintain balance & to read their minds, getting ready for the next 'episode'.

You're off balance all the time, trying to read their moods, trying not to get blitzed, & your stress hormones will be elevated all the time.

which will shorten your life.

You have a young child;
Take care of yourself.

You are not alone on this board. but you may be alone in your marriage. My husband also doesn't want to believe that there is something very wrong with his daughter. She can be charming when she wants to be, and she does aim to please some of the time.

As for maintaining emotional distance, it gets easier as they get older because they don't bond to anyone in a meaningful way. All interactions are quite superficial. Big blow ups are more about drama than real feelings. When my SD was little, she pulled at my heartstrings, but when she got older, she became unnerving, and I found myself wanting to have some distance.

I would not trust my SD not to lie about something important, and put other people at risk. We had a strange incident one time where I found a journal in her room in which she described being beaten on a regular basis by her father. She was about 14 at the time. This has never happened - I would never tolerate any physical abuse in my house. I have no idea why she would have written this. She had an idyllic life in our home (great schools, expensive camps, fashionable clothes, electronic toys, nice vacations). My husband spoke to her about it, but she refused to give an explanation.

If I were you, I'd avoid being alone with her as much as possible. You should leave the video running on the iphone if she is misbehaving while her father is out of the house. It wouldn't hurt to have some evidence to back up your side of the story if she ever cooks up a story to make you look bad.

My husband and I ended up separating, which was a complete waste of our marriage. He now lives alone with two high needs kids. He talks about reconciling but I've made a committment to my daughter that she will never have to live with his kids again. I think that our marriage would have survived if we had been on the same page about his kids and worked together to maintain order in the house. I had no problem working very hard to help his kids with their problems. However, there was nothing that I could do without his support.

MY Sd also writes diaries that are left out, open on her bed, when she is heading out of town.... They are filled with things that really happened, but with a twist that makes them almost completely lies. It is also the stuff she feeds to her therapist...
One time I prepared a nice meal for all of us to eat out side on the patio. I prepared food she likes and invited her multiple times to join us. "No I am not hungry" . Of course as soon as the kitchen is cleaned up she creeps in to eat alone to make a mess- ugggg she does this all the time, drives me crazy. While we were eating she came out with her laundry, bras and underwear mostly, and started to hang it around on the chairs and clothes line literally above our heads. I asked her nicely to wait unit we were done eating. So, she waited till we were done eating, but still sitting at the table and started again. So, i said, in what was probably an annoyed voice, " Please just hang the clothes up in your room."

The story in the diary focused on how I made a big meal for MY kids and didn't make anything she could eat (lie, I made three different main dishes just to be sure everyone could find what they want) then didn't invite her to join us (lie) Then when she was trying to help by doing the laundry (lie, she only, ever, does her own laundry) I yelled at her, twice (lie). And then I yelled at her later, in the kitchen when she tried to make her own food. (lie, I said nothing to her about trashing the kitchen later)

There were a lot of fu**in step mother and other names included. Unbelievable!

I like the ideas about recording things- I guess I am lucky, my husband was the one who first pointed out that she was incredibly manipulative and not to be trusted. He catches her shenanigans as often as I do. This is what has saved our marriage of 11 years- I am sure of it.

I have to say that I was very impressed with my husband this week! We had a talk together with my SD and he told her that if she didn't start to behave better he would be handing out some pretty inventive punishments! Its hard to punish my SD because she doesn't do much besides read and I don't want to take books away so we have to think up crazy punishments! I have to say since that talk it has been better but I have a feeling that will end in a couple of days! But I told my husband that I give up so I am not doing anything anymore if she miss behaves I am telling him and its up to him to deal with it! I guess I just really hope something will change because I love my husband and don't want my little girl growing up with out her dad full time!

That sounds hopeful Mom9998
I am glad you had a talk.
I send my best wishes!

My SD moved in after she graduated high school. Before that we got along great! I also bought her everything she wanted. From the moment she moved in, she wrapped herself around my husband. She tried to take over my house and my husband. She thought she was management. I swear she wanted to take my spot as my husband's wife. All she did was tell on my son and try to run my house, while I worked two jobs to pay the mortgage. I had "no right" to ask her to do anything my way. She said because, my name wasn't on the mortgage! We had been married for 12 years. I picked the house out, the colors, decorated it and everything. My husband thinks the sun rises on her and sets on her. He thinks my/our son is the problem because he doesn't take the trash out correctly or keep his room clean enough. My husband is never happy with our son but, SD should be treated like a princess. SD can treat me anyway she wants and that's just fine. He will make excuses until the cows come home. I think she has to be the center of attention. I suggested counseling, he says we don't need counseling since we don't agree that my son is the big problem. He's leaving for basic training in the Army in one month. He's such a bad kid... He joined the Army when he was 17. The thing is my son has never been in trouble. My husband works at a school for trouble kids, so he should know that my son is fine. But, his daughter is just wonderful..... I guess, I just venting. I'm probably moving out next week. I'm done. Life is too short.

I'm so sorry.

I once dated a guy who proudly proclaimed that he had "fallen in love with" his daughter *at her birth*.

She was 17 when I met him.

He accused me of being jealous ("jealousy is so unbecoming"), of being controlling, of being neurotic, whatever popped into his head.

I finally realized that they were the couple & I was the third wheel.

I was the other woman.

ick.

That's in the past now, & I'm very glad of it!

I am sorry too. I hope that your son isn't leaving because of your husband's behaviour.

Even though your name is not on the mortgage, you may have rights to the house in your jurisdiction because you contributed to the mortgage payments. You should contact a lawyer as soon as possible.