It's been close to 4 years from where this all started. The disrespect from my grown son escalated to the point where I told him to leave. His anger was out of control. My ex and I were separated due to his extra marital affairs. I felt I had to jolt him back to reality but instead he went to live with his father which made things worse. I kept the doors open, texting him often, telling him I love him and telling him that I didn't want this to be a permanent thing but his anger towards me got worse. Lashed out at me towards household things that "belonged to his father". Screamed and cursed at me. Many remarks about "this is my fathers house". Telling me that I was the reason for his anger. And with each explosion, I still kept the doors open. The final straw for me was a text that he sent me saying that "im sorry that you damaged me but I will no longer be controlled and manipulated". Those words cut me so deep. I still can't get past it. I was the mother who went to extremes to make sure my kids were never damaged emotionally. The mother who wanted my kids to always see both parents sitting in the stands at their games to have that memory forever, not knowing that I made their father go to the game. The mother who protected them from knowing of their fathers first affair because I thought it was a mistake and these kids shouldn't lose respect for their dad or look at him badly. I wanted them to be proud of their parents. I would have stayed in a loveless marriage so they would always feel safe and always feel like they had a home base. And he says those words to me? I damaged him. At that point I wasn't taking anymore. All communication stopped. I thought he's not hearing from me now he will realized what he has said and done and I thought the lightbulb will go on and then he will come back and tell me he is so sorrry for that and all the undeserved disrespect. One month later I get a happy birthday text. I dont respond. The next month Merry Christmas. Again I dont respond. The remorse and apology never comes. Eventually the pleasantry text continue for both of us. Only holidays. Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday but nothing on Mothers Day. Obviously, everyone on this post understands that hurt. The day to celebrate the person who raised you, loved you, took care of you, gave you a good life and I get nothing. That's a hurt beyond words. This is the son that I was so close to. Always close to. Never could have imagined this happening. I miss my son but I feel like he needs to come back to me. I can forgive him but I can't forgive if hes not sorry and if he thinks what he did was acceptable. I won't allow him to treat me that way. At this point I feel like this is the way it is and the way it will be and I will never stop loving him in my heart and will never stop hurting in my heart.

I understand from what I read here and there that my role in this is to be the "bad guy" they are the victims, and mom is the enabler If you've read enough to understand this, then you know that the only escape from this drama triangle is for the "bad guy" to exit it. This doesn't mean you leave the house, but it does mean that you begin to speak your truth in a non-judging way, you draw boundaries and you calmly make clear what is not acceptable to you. Just by being aware of the dysfunction is the first step. The next step is to create some distance between yourself and the situation so you can clearly identify the role that each player is playing. You observe the situation, the players (including yourself) and the interactions from a certain distance. It's helpful to work this through with a therapist, but if you have a friend who can hear you without judging, that's useful too. There's no way out of the dysfunction without some amount of pain. People will cling to their roles, no matter how destructive they are, because it's what they know. Taking an honest look at one's life, if it's never been done before, is terrifying. But look at the alternative: more drama, more dysfunction, the cycle repeating through all future interactions with people. I think for your own health you need to come to terms with your family's situation, look at your own role in it, and make the changes you need in order to stop this cycle for you. May you find peace. Here is a link that might be useful: The Drama Triangle

Henry Kissinger once sat in the Oval Office with President Nixon, watching the President's Golden Retriever chew the rug. The President tossed the dog a treat. The dog ate the treat & then started on the rug again. The President tossed another treat. This went on for some time, & finally, Dr Kissinger could bear it no longer. "Mr President", he said, "do you realize that you are *training* that dog to chew on the rug?" Hubs is training son to chew on the rug. Does your hubs realize that this boy could end up in foster care & that you could end up in jail if a concerned passerby calls 911 when the boy pretends that you've hit him? & that, at nearly 11 years old, the boy is undoubtedly big enough to hurt you? This kid is way overdue for more responsibility than folding his own laundry & for facing the consequences of his own behavior. I wish you the best.

Do stepchildren expect not to be disciplined? Adults expect not to be disciplined, particularly by people who did not raise them. (While I am somewhat skeptical of "not allowed" to see him, I acknowledge that it is possible you and your husband made every possible effort and were stymied at every corner, but even if that is true, you still did not raise him and do not actually have a parental relationship with him). Now, my husband worries that his company will go under and he will lose his $100,000 and if that happens, I will be the one blamed because I pushed him, so I suffer with worry double time now. Even if your SS were the most responsible person in the world, the likelihood that a new small business will go under is fairly high. If you and your husband were not willing to deal with that possibility, you really shouldn't have agreed to this arrangement, let alone pushed it. I am not saying you are *wrong*, in any kind of ethical sense, and you certainly seem to have your heart in the right place, but you do seem to have a view of reality that is somewhat skewed in your own perception. I believe I was used and he snowed me. When we got to the point where I was more comfortable with him I saw he was having a problem with going to work, due to relationship difficulties, and drinking. I told him I thought he drank too much and so for the past few months he really hasn't communicated with his father or myself. Absolutely possible that you were snowed, sure. Also possible he thought he was developing a close, understanding, and non-judgemental relationship with his estranged dad and step-mom and was hurt and surprised to judged and "disciplined". I am not saying my hypothetical is correct. But you are from my perspective jumping to some pretty big conclusions about his motives. You also took a pretty big risk with your money, and while he may be truly irresponsible or going back on his agreement, you may also lose your money just because investing in a small business is a risky move and the economy is not exactly the greatest right now. He may even have cut off contact because the business is in trouble and he dreads you and your husband's reaction. Perfectly responsible? Not really. Somewhat normal? yeah, kinda.