I think it's just a major case of "sibling rivalry." At that age, I can totally see how your SD would feel upset about the arrival of another girl just about her age in the household. That is a HUGE adjustment. I really think it will just take time for both girls.

I would continue doing what you're doing...making sure your SD has plenty of time with you and her dad...try to keep her routine as "normal" as possible. Little things like that will make a big difference over time in reassuring her that her "place" in the family hasn't changed. I am sure she feels threatened and upset by the understandable extra attention your niece is getting.

NOW--that all said--keep doing what you need to do with your niece, too! I don't know what lead to you getting guardianship of her, but I am assuming it was nothing good! That little girl needs lots of love and security and emotional support right now...it sounds like she is really lucky to have you!

If things don't improve, you might want to consider counseling for your SD, and maybe even family counseling for all of you---suddenly adding another member to your family like that (when it's not a new baby) is a big deal and I am sure you want everything to be as smooth as possible.

I would NOT tolerate any mean or cruel behavior from SD, btw. It is TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE that she feels replaced, threatened, unsettled by this huge change in her life...BUT that doesn't give her the right to be downright mean to your niece. So I would lay down some consequences for the behavior you don't like and stay firm. Keep reiteratating that she has EVERY RIGHT to her feelings, but she needs to control what she does about them. Then help her to find constructive ways to express herself...write in a journal...or, like I previously mentioned, continue making sure that she has time alone with you and her dad, that she still gets to do the activities she enjoys, etc.
Reassure her that you will help her adjust in a healthy manner.

"I would NOT tolerate any mean or cruel behavior from SD, btw. It is TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE that she feels replaced, threatened, unsettled by this huge change in her life...BUT that doesn't give her the right to be downright mean to your niece. So I would lay down some consequences for the behavior you don't like and stay firm. Keep reiteratating that she has EVERY RIGHT to her feelings, but she needs to control what she does about them. Then help her to find constructive ways to express herself...write in a journal...or, like I previously mentioned, continue making sure that she has time alone with you and her dad, that she still gets to do the activities she enjoys, etc.
Reassure her that you will help her adjust in a healthy manner."

I could not have said it any better!! Your SD is entitled to her feelings but not entitled to make your neices life miserable.....kids only do what they are ALLOWED to get away with....don't tolerate it....

Well I would not say we are tolerating it. We have been talking to her about the behavior. And when she was very rude to my niece in front of her friends from our neighborhood I gave her a warning that her friends would be playing without her if the meaness continued because they had been teasing my niece. A little while later SD excluded my niece from playing hide and go seek with all the other kids. She was allowing her little brother and a few kids from the neighborhood that are different ages to play hide and go seek in the yard. So I called her by me and asked her why she was not letting my niece play and her response was that she did not want to play with her. I told her that it was unfair to let every other kid but her play. Then I told her that she could go play alone inside the house and see how it felt to be excluded.

The neighborhood kids continued playing with my ss. My niece did not join in because she did not want sd to be mad at her for taking her place. So she continued to play by herself. But sd did feel bad once she saw how it felt to be left out of the fun.

Tonight my DH and I did take all of the kids on a bike ride and then we came home and roasted marshmellows in our fire pit together. They all got along.

When we took on guardianship of my niece I just thought how easy it would be since the girls have always gotton along so well. And I thought how great it was that we already had tons of cute girls clothes that no longer fit my sd that could be passed down to my niece.

Now my sd does not want to play with my niece and has tried saying she wants to hang onto clothes that I had previously stored in our crawlspace after she outgrew them. Now they *meant something to her*. Are you kidding me...clothes that she has not worn in a year now have sentimental value?? We told her to pick the one outfit that meant the most to her and she could hang onto it but the rest was being passed on to someone who could get use out of them.

I have a younger sister and she used to get all my old clothes and I always thought it was cool to see her in them when we were kids. Don't people pass down clothes to family? My sister and I still shared clothes until recently because we were both the same size. We would give eachother items when we cleaned out or closets and we would borrow items for certain occasions.

The difference between your sisters and SD and niece is that you two did it together. In this case it sounds like SD has no control over where her clothing is going.

She is hoarding her friends, her brother, her toys, her clothes away from her cousin.

While it seems practical to us to share clothing with younger siblings I would say don't do that for now. Let your SD be totally in control of her clothing, even if it has to gather up to occupy quite a space for a while.

Once she knows that yes, her things are still her things, and she is the one who will decide how to share them, her naturally generous nature will kick in again with her cousin.

Lecturing SD about what any adult would perceive to be mean behavior, will not help now, and will actually confuse her about her own feelings.

What bothered me and dh about the clothes was that me and sd had gone through her closet and drawers before my niece moved in. My sd tried on clothes and willingly gave me what did not fit to put in bags in our crawlspace. She knows we put old clothes away to use as hand me downs if me and dh ever have children or for relatives. Those items had been in the crawlspace for months before I pulled them out to see what would fit my niece. It was not like I just started going into her room and grabbing stuff for my niece.

I can see how this is frustrating. Sibling rivalry happens, but here it is excerbated because, I suspect, SD regards your taking in neice as voluntary and not, as I would suspect, a decision that had no realistic alternatives. I think we all know this is not about the clothes.

I suspect SD, who may be a very nice person, views neice as an interloper. A friend of mine had a situaiton where one biological child was not reacting well to the new baby. Her doctor told her imagine if your husband brought a new wife in the house. How would you feel? Well that is absurd my friend said. Pediatrician said, look at from child's standpoint. Child thinks she has a certain place in the world, and now it is turned upside down. I assume you and DH discussed bringing in neice. And I assume no one discussed with SD. I am not saying you could have or should have, I am just saying look at it from her view.

Some people here think counseling is overrated, but I think when you have a child who is basically OK, but cant deal with a decision, you should try it. I would suggest that DH talk to SD and say, we know you are unhappy with niece here, but there are no options. Would you like to talk to me about how you feel, or would you like to talk to a counsleor who is expereicned with family dynamics.

Good luck.

Good points, KK. I agree, with the exception that we don't know what was discussed with SD. My guess is there was some dialog before this happened, but I don;t know that any amount of words can prepare a child for a change to their norm.

I doubt any amount of explaining can make a child understand why another child isnt living with her parents. Actually I cant even understand how parents let that happen (other than plane crash, etc.).

SD was aware that problems were going on in my nieces home prior to my niece moving in with us. SD was actually the one who brought some of the problems to our attention because my niece confided in her.

To make a long story short my nieces dad took off when my sister found out she was pregnant and has never seen my niece or paid any support for her. In the last few years my sister has been on a losing streak with the men she has dated. Somehow she managed to settle down with a total loser over the last 2 years.

My niece began to have lots of bruises and act differently. Almost shy all of a sudden which was wierd for her. My niece confided in sd that mom's boyfriend was hurting her. SD told me. I confronted my sister who denied that was going on and continued having boyfriend watching her daughter at times. It got to the point where my niece would not want to go home after visiting me and I got my parents involved because my sister would not see what seemed to be going on. Ended up in court after notifying the proper authorities. It was a rough situation for us all and my sister and I are not really speaking except during her supervised visits with my niece. She continues to defend her boyfriend and stay with him so I do not think that my niece will be going home to her any time in the near future.

Curious, KK, what your views and a BM only are on this? Should the child stay with mom as the situation is not a plane crash?

No, but I think she should throw the jerk out.

"No, but I think she should throw the jerk out."

Yeah, no question!

Wow.

That blows my mind that people can be in SUCH denial. :(

Your niece is so lucky to have you on her side, OP!

I think everyone gave pretty good advice but I would disagree with the "let her have her clothes and control over it" they dont fit they were already passed on when she gave them up before... I think you handled it well...allowing her to pick one and passing on the rest.

It is just a hard situation for all of us. I am doing my best to be a good mother figure for my stepchildren while also trying to be good to my niece. I am newer at this parenting thing and just want to do right by them all.

Some kids who have had a tough time in the past get territorial and want to hang on to things. In order to get the most use out of her outgrown clothes and to spare her feelings, is there another family with girls the same ages that could exchange with you? That way, SD's nose wouldn't be so out of joint, the clothes would be used again, and your niece would have "new" clothes (new to her, anyway)

Hang in there newstepmommy.

We had a similar problem with hand-me-downs shortly after we got married. My stepdaughter refused to allow my daughter to wear her old clothes or play with her toys. It was strange because my stepdaughter got most of her clothes and toys as hand-me-downs from her bigger sister. We tried talking about it - but nothing helped.

My husband and I had a few arguments about it. He took the disciplinarian approach. I took a softer approach and put the old clothes away for charity. I bought my stepdaughter some nice new clothes. I let most of it just happen without comment.

After about a year or so, the problem went away all by itself. I don't know what changed. Now, my stepdaughter is happy to clean out her drawers and make space by giving stuff to my daughter. She recented asked me why I'd bothered buying some books for my daughter, when she had the same books and would be happy to lend them.

I think that some of it was about the age. My stepdaughter was 10 when we got married and she seemed to be clinging to childhood a little bit. My daughter was younger and got more of the "baby" treatment. However, those days are gone and now I can't get my stepdaughter off the American Eagle website. She seems to have lost interest in her "kid" stuff and is more than happy to let the "baby" have it. She also seems to have defined an identity for herself so she isn't threatened by the younger girl.