I definately think your not a bad stepmom! You have been put through h*$@ with your ss and put up with a lot more than most would.

I understand you not wanting to miss your sons first day of kindergarten because it is such an important day, but it seems that this camping trip may be important as well. What does your dh say about you going with or staying home?
If it was me I do not know what I would do. The things that your ss said were very hurtful and you seem to have become a scapegoat in the situation. Do what you think is best for you. You have done a lot for your ss and have no reason to feel guilty no matter which choice you make!

I think you should go. I went to "family week" at my ex's residential treatment program after we were separated but before we divorced. It wasn't easy, but I gained some valuable insights into his mental illness. You need to hear firsthand what your SS's doctors have to say about his problems, and understand what, if any, follow-up will be required. In addition, your stepson has worked VERY hard during this time in this program. This treatment is difficult, painful, wrenching work. Two nights of camping with bugs is nothing compared to how much discomfort he's undergone. He's going to be proud of all his hard work, and he's going to want you to see what he's accomplished.

I do appreciate that it's disruptive of your time and of other peoples' lives for you to do this. I had to cancel Thanksgiving travel plans and rearrange school plans in order to attend family week, and I was NOT happy about this. But it's just a week (or a few days) and in the scheme of things being there for your SS just might kick off the coming school year on the right foot.
What about your other SS - is he invited as well?

Ann

I think the real problem is that your H refuses to be civil to his exW, even for 3 days for the sake of their son.

TOS, of course you would have to find fault with the BioDad. Actually, DH is very civil to his ex-wife. Her problem is that he doesn't pander to her and make her the center of attention. When they were married 20 years ago, he had bought her a Japanese robe on a business trip to Tokyo. Last fall, she heard from the boys that he was going to be in Japan on business. She called our house and asked me if I could ask him to pick her up another one. I said, "You want your ex-husband to pick you up a robe? What do you think your current husband would think of that?" When we co-hosted SS#1's HS graduation party at our house, outside, she took some of her former co-workers inside to give them a tour of our house, a house she has never lived in. We thought it was weird, but didn't way a word. Since the HBO program "Big Love" has come on (her favorite show, and I have to admit, I enjoy it also), she makes comments about how we should do the Big Love thing. She said I should be Nickie, since I don't dress well and I have all the rules, and she asked who I thought she should be. I wanted to say, "Well, First Wife, of course. The one that wasn't enough." But that would have been too sarcastic. Instead, I said, "And where would your current husband fit into this picture?" I think her comments are silly and thoughtless, but they make DH uncomfortable. He is not the issue here. And trust me, I'm sure she would be pleased as punch if I didn't go at all.

annkathryn - I know I should go. Our other son isn't invited - it's for parents only, so that the child can make a fresh connection with better communication, and apparently the presence of siblings is a distraction to that.

mom2emall - Thank you. I just feel that after EVERYTHING we've gone through with this son, how supportive we've been of his situation and the emotional trauma and financial burden it has placed on our family, for him to say now, "I want to go home and live with dad's family, but I don't like stepmom's personality and my mom is so nurturing" (like I said on my earlier post - nurtured him right into a drug addition), I just don't feel like I want to do another darn thing.

I know I still will, I'm sure SS's comments about me are really about other issues he probably still has, but I am getting tired of it. And this makes me feel bad and guilty.

I don't understand why her husband would have a problem buying her a robe, if she asked him to (and I assume she is reimbursing him). I would buy my exH anything he asked for, as long as he paid for it.

You quoted her as saying that her ex-husband wasn't nice to her, yet in your initial post did not say that he was. I assumed you were not denying her assessment.

I can't comment on the "Big Love" television show, since I haven't ever heard of it. My kids mostly watch shows about science, remodeling, and people with 17 kids.

TOS, it's not her husband buying her a robe, it's her EX-husband. You don't think it's a little inappropriate to ask your ex to pick you up a piece of intimate apparel while on a business trip? Even if it wasn't weird, I guarantee you she would not reimburse him.

If I spent my time denying her assessments of anything, I would be denying all day long. Sorry I didn't make it clear. DH is cooly cordial to her. He isn't rude in any way, but he also isn't enthusiastic to see her, and that is why she is saying he's not nice to her. You would have to know her to know what I mean.

"Big Love" is funny, but not nearly as interesting as the family with all the "J" names.

Sorry, I meant exH. I didn't think a robe like a Japanese kimono would be considered intimate apparel. I would (and have) picked up a t-shirt for my exH for our kids to give him.

It's not a kimono. If it had been a kimono, I would have said "kimono." It's a short, silky, little robe, one that I would be embarrassed to wear around the kids, if you know what I mean.

I would still pick up something like that for my ex (if I were the guy I mean - it really wouldn't look good on my exH). I would pick him up briefs at Wal*mart if he asked me to, though I can't imagine why he would, and I wouldn't hesitate if it were something I could only get, or could get cheaper, in another country.

TOS - come on! That's just weird! You can't even imagine why your ex would ask you to pick up something like briefs! Most normal people would not ask an ex to pick them up something they would only wear in the bedroom!

When I told DH what ex had asked for, he told me to tell her she could get it on the internet.

Anyway, how do YOU know your ex wouldn't look good in a short, silky, little robe?

I constantly buy things for my DD to give my X.

We do buy things for the boys to give to their BioMom and her husband. In fact, I have even wrapped their Christmas presents.

However, a short, silky, sexy robe is not something we would buy for the boy to give to their mom.

Jeez!

I wouldn't buy something sexy for my kids to give my H even if I were still married to him, of course.

I can't say for sure that my exH wouldn't look good in a short, silky robe, never having seen him in one (thank goodness!) Now that's a mental picture that's going to give me nightmares.

I too have bought things with the kids (bio and step) for them to pass along to their bio parent for birthdays, Christmas, etc. And I would have no problem buying my ex a souvineer from a trip if he requested, or my dh buying his ex a souvineer from a trip if she requested.

But, would you go to a store such as "Lovers Lane" and buy your ex something now? Or would your ex go to "Victoria's Secret" and buy you something now? This robe sounds like the equal to one of those stores. I doubt you would do it! And anyone who is re-married should not do that! If so, then maybe you should have never gotton divorced!

There is a store called "Lovers Lane?" Well, I would if he asked (unless I was too embarrassed to go in the store, period). I doubt my exH's wife would let him buy me something from Victoria's Secret. He wasn't allowed to buy us maple syrup.

Ok, I had to go look. That stuff would REALLY give me nightmares. I guess I would buy it for him, after I stopped laughing...

This post has gotten off topic, but as the OP, I can say I honestly don't mind. TOS, you are funny, and I bet we'd be friends if we met in another context. (Unless you thought I had a bad personality and was too sarcastic.) Anyway, you have made me smile tonight, and that has been helpful in not getting too wrapped up in what's going on with our son. Thanks.

Maybe I should start a new thread with a poll of who has purchased intimate apparel for exes ...

You're welcome, and I'm glad you were able to get distracted for awhile from your SS's issues.

And I'm fine with sarcasm...Fortunately (or not, depending on your point of view), my kids are, too.

It wouldn't bother me a bit of DH's EW wanted him to buy something like that for her. So what? It's all about opportunity. I'd think that it was strange if she asked him to go to Victoria's Secret and pick up something for her locally, but he is going to Japan and has an opportunity to do get her something that she wants that is not available to her here.

I suspect that those are available by the dozen in touristy places in Japan.

I just went on the internet, and yes, ex-wife could find her robe on the net.

It didn't bother me when she asked. I thought it was weird, because I wouldn't ask my ex to pick me up a robe that I would be wearing in the bedroom with my new husband. However, it made my DH uncomfortable. Also, he has been to Japan enough times that he doesn't hit the touristy places. He's there on business. He gets in, he gets out. He doesn't go shopping. Not even for me.

Tamar,

Sorry, I haven't read all the threads here - did see them going off on yet another tangent, lol.

But, I think (as I said, didn't read everyone's posts) I'm the only one to advise you NOT to attend the session if it meant you must miss your own child's first day of school. I just wouldn't do that if it were me. And, I'm w/ you on the camping thing, lol. Yeah, I've camped many times - at the air conditioned cabins at Disney World's Ft. Wildernes Resort, lol.

I realize it's very important for SS, but SS has made his bed. I realize he has some issues that are understandably out of his control, but he has made poor choice after poor choice. And, I'm not completely up to date on his current issues w/ you, but apparently he made it clear that you aren't his cup of tea, so now you are supposed to miss seeing your youngster off for his first day of 'real' school? No way.

Your little one did not have anything to do w/ this and should not be brushed aside for NOT being the squeeky wheel. If your area is anything like ours, you will most likely be one of the only moms not there, taking pictures, etc. I don't think I could live w/ that. Your little one has done nothing wrong and he should have his mom walk him in the first day of K.

I would tell DH to take notes for me and rest assured that SS has his biomom and dad w/ him, the two he apparently wants around the most.

I'd have no issues w/ my DH and his ex being on this little jaunt together, either. DH wouldn't like being subjected to her, lol, but I'd have no problem - and that would be added incentive for me not to be there!

I am still wondering if my SS will reappear next week when his boyfriend moves back to S.FL. If so, I wonder if he will have any issues that will land him in some sort of rehab. If so, I'm certain I won't be doing anything other than landing an ear. I'm hoping I can be civil after the he!! he's put us through...I imagine you can relate...

All the best,
Dana

My mother-in-law told me that Doctor Somebody in her church had been something of a sensation in town because of the way she handled her youngest son's leukemia.

She spent time with him, she loved him, but she didn't drop her practice & she didn't devote herself to this son exclusively.

She had 3 other children (this was long ago, her kids were probably youngish baby boomers), & she continued to be active in their lives & to spend time with them.

She told one of the ladies at church that she loved her son just as she loved her other children, but that she wasn't going to let her other children's childhoods & lives be consumed & sacrificed for that of their brother.

Although I never met her, I always admired that woman.

So many people sacrifice one for another, they turn their older kids into assistant parents, they shortchange the good kid in favor of the troubled one, etc.

I think the camping trip/first day of kindergarten is sort of on the same order.

First day of kindergarten is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

(I went to my first day of school on the bus, & I went alone.

I was fine.

but a lot of kids had their mothers, & I still remember it.)