I know you don't want to hear this ... But she is always going to be on a pedestal to her children. Nothing you can say or do will change that or her. Don't care how much you do for them and she doesn't do anything. Nothing will change that.

The one who needs changing is your attitude towards her. Let it go its the best thing don't let her get to you. You can't change her but you can change how you feel about her.

Now the BF let him do for his kids "get sick" over the weekend ... can't get out of bed syndrome ... let him chase after the 4 kids run them around. Do it til monday morning. I mean it stay in bed cozy up with a few magazines couple books just take time for you... doesn't matter what the weekend plans are just stay in bed. Let him take the kids where they need to be. And on sunday night don't thank him don't say a word just roll over and go to sleep ... wake up monday do your weekday routine .. then next weekend get sick again (as long as he is home weekends that is if he isn't home weekends do it the days he is home) :-)

As far as the berateing do your children yell at you ? is that allowed? if not how did you stop your children from doing it? same technique. I use I do not let my own children speak to me that way and you will not either!!

I am not your mother so I do not have to do for you I do it because I want to. Say it enough they will get the idea so will the BF.

You will get some great advice on ... disengaging. You don't have to be so extreme... but it might help BF understand its nice to be appreciated once in awhile.

Jordan - You just got the best advice available from a StepMom who has walked several miles in those shoes and has the blisters to prove it!

Seriously - BioMom will stay on her pedestal as long as she refuses to discipline the kids and only drops in on special occasions. Those poor kids will do whatever they can to 'suck up to Mom' and try to earn more of her time and affection -- and the more absentee she is, the nicer those kids will try to be. It's infuriating and pathetic. But when it changes, it'll explode with a bang of resentment and cratered self-esteem...

I love the 'Blue Flu' suggestion! Or perhaps, you have an out of town 'family emergency' (sanity break) you can take with a little help from a friend?

As to how to get rid of your resentment -- Well, I can't tell you how, but there's a quote that sums it up perfectly: "It's like drinking poison and hoping the other person gets sick."

FWIW, Getting married won't improve this situation. In fact, it's more likely to have the opposite effect. So I'd say "What's the hurry?"

You already got excellent advice! I just wanted to tell you that I feel sympathy for you! I am in a similar situation where I do all the "mom" stuff for my stepkids and their mom sits on a pedastal (while she pays no support and lives out of state and barely calls) They did go see her for a few weeks this summer and come back this weekend..that should be interesting to see how they behave now! But, I still find myself resenting this woman. I do have to say that she is a mild thorn in my side compared to how some ex's can be! Though, like so many other dh's on here, my dh can be overly passive when his ex tries to pull major crap. He just does not seem to want to say anything to her because he is a calm, lets not cause waves, type of person. I let him know how much it was aggrevating me and he has gotton better at standing up to his ex. (example: he gave her family dates that the kids could fly out there to visit this summer because we had some things planned and his ex decided to change the dates without okaying it with my dh and her family bought the plane tickets!!! My DH was going to let it go until I reminded him of all the times she has done things like this and told him I am not ok with her running the show and disregarding our wishes and plans...so he made her change the tickets!! And her family was stuck with $300 in fees from changing them-bet she won't do that again!)

I love my DH and stepkids so much though and would not go back and changed marrying him. My husband and stepkids have made my son and I so happy! We really are a wonderful blended family.

You just need to get on the same page as your fiancee as far as raising kids, discipline, finances, and equal shares of work BEFORE you tie the knot! Because if you have problems with that stuff it will take a very heavy toll on your relationship. And my advice, from reading others posts on here, is if you can not get on the same page with those issues then you really need to think long and hard about what your want in your future BEFORE you get married.

As I read your post, I was thinking that Cawfe would step up and take this one - she did, and her advice is always sound.

I second that their mom could be a drug-abusing prostitute but the kids will always act as though she's a saint. Sorry, but true.

Don't take that talk from a ten y.o. or it will only get worse w/ the teenage years. I like, "You wouldn't speak to a stranger like that, so what makes you think it's OK to speak to me that way?" I think it would have more impact if your bf said it about his fiance, but if not, take the reins.

Yes, bf needs to see what you've done. I swear, these men, they take us for granted 'cause we CAN do twenty things at once while they view mulitasking as holding the remote AND watching the TV, lol. Don't let him take you for granted. I do WAY too much - my mom always says, "You're making it too easy for him..." Yeah, but I do it so much BETTER, lol. We have three little boys and he has three grown kids. I wish I'd known about this board ten years ago when I married him. We (I) had many rough times w/ these skids.

All the best,
Dana

Don't marry him, honey. Not until everything is spelled out loud and clear AND you see that he is stepping up to the plate.

If you marry him while feeling all this anger and resentment, it will spill over to the children, which is the beginning of the end of good feelings between you and everyone else. (A 10-year-old brat is much easier to control than a 16-year-old brat.) If you resent his kids now, imagine what it will be like after a couple of years of dealing with teenagers who aren't your own. Do them and yourself a favor and postpone the wedding until all these issues are taken care of. I'd suggest counseling.

Thank you ladies... although my blisters are now calloused (smiles)

Vista ... I think your mom is right ... Most of us do the same thing ... "make it too easy for them" both parents not just fathers or mothers.

I am going back to work in September and the kids are in an uproar they don't want to go to daycare ... BM had the "nerve" the call me and say ... "the kids tell me you are going back to work and they have to go to daycare, couldn't you get a job where you could be home afterschool for them"!!!! (OMG she is not even working) I said well you're not working maybe you could pick them up for 2 hours afterschool and we could pick them up at 5:00pm from your house. Well what if I go to work or school she says.... well can't you arrange it so you are home afterschool for them!!!.

That BM in your life never ceases to amaze me. She has some nerve! It's almost comical!

More power to you...

D

I have no choice but to laugh at her ... She really doesn't have a clue ... I try to "include her" in the decision process ... is there a daycare you prefer over another.. Do you know anyone who might be interested in watching them for a couple hours? (she has a nephew she uses at times ... maybe he would be willing to come here some days) who knows.

I should take my own advice and leave her out of the decision process and just do what is best for "my family".

"Most of us do the same thing "?

I assume you are tlking about most of the SMs on this board, as most of the first wives I know get minimal support (other than financial) from X or SM.

Most moms in divorce have custody.

no KKNY ... I meant women ... in general make it too easy for our husbands and others ... whether first second or third wife .... women in general make it too easy for men to be what ever it is that men are. Because we can multitask.

That was not a praise of SM's or a bash against BM's. It was a bash against myself and other women who do too much for others and not enough for themselves.

When was the last time you bent over backwards for someone and they turned around to spit in your face?

My X. Who cant lift a finger.

Run girl....Run

"Run girl....Run"

It reminded me of my best friend who is very funny and pretty much says what she thinks.

After I got divorced my best friend was so mad at men that she would do the following. Whenever we would drive by a wedding (you know like bride and groom would be taking pictures outside at memorials or by the water, we lived in the city by the water so there was a lot of weddings) she would stick her head out and scream "Run girl run". lol It was emabrassing and inappropriate but I have to say it was funny. She would also yell "Girl run, we'll give you a ride home".

I was left by my X after many years of marriage, but I still would never advise anyone not to get married, becauase I love my DD and I do not recommend single motherhood. Obviously I am in no position to recommend or not recommend marriage to a man with children.