Are you comfortable with saying you've made every effort to offer a decent loving relationship with SD? Have you left the ivitation open should she accept it? I'd say if you can honestly say yes to those things you really should let go of things she said to hurt you 2 years ago. Accept you can't save the world and work on saving yourself. Does she talk to you that way all the time?

rippey,

For years and years, i kept wondering why my oldest step daughter who was 9 when i met her father, hated me so much. Today she is 28. She never said she hated me but she constantly ignored me, talked about me behind my back, tried to convinced her younger sister to go against me, etc. etc. Our plans were never good. Everything had to go her way.

At one point i did go to a support group and what i realized is that i couldn't believe how a young person that age could have such an effect on me ...to the point where i was willing to leave the entire relationship with hubby because of HER. Just knowing she was coming to our home made me angry cuz she would not show me any respect.

One day, i said enough is enough! I am much older and wiser than this spoiled kid . How can you let someone have so much control over you?

Whenever she is around, breath. You don't have to be her best friend. She knows how you feel. Believe me she does and i'll bet you anything in her heart she wishes you were not with her father. She is jealous. It could have been any other woman her father would have met, this daughter of his would have had a distaste for that woman the same way you feel she has towards you!

Let it go rippey. Really, really work on it. Everytime thoughts of her come to your mind, whistle.
It must be extremely hard to be around her, in your home. But tell yourself she will not be there forever.

And if your DH truly believes all of this is too hard to handle and says he won't be able to stay in the mariage if you don't let go of the situation with his daughter, well thank the lord he thinks like that because you know what -- NO WOMAN IS GOING TO TAKE HIS DAUGHTER'S STINKING ATTITUDE AND HE IS THE ONE WHO WILL END UP ALONE! and when that will happen, do you think his daughter will be there for him!!Try reminding him of that when he threatens you next time!!!

Whistle.

Keep posting.

Cheers

Two years is a long time to hold onto something a teen or preteen said. I can remember saying nasty things to my parents when I got angry and thank God they didn't hold it against me for two months, let alone two years.

What I see from your post is a step daughter that is a teenager. It's the toughest time in a girls life. Their body is changing, there's peer pressure, 'nobody understands' them and they are trying to find where they fit in... with friends, as a kid, as an adult...

She's overweight and perhaps she has low self esteem or poor body image from it. I can imagine how difficult it could be for a teenage girl to be overweight and the peer pressure to be thin. I remember back in high school, I was FAT!!! I mean, I was positively a cow compared to all the dainty, pretty girls that seemed to be so popular, outgoing and cute. I totally felt like an ugly cow. I look at pictures of me back then and I wasn't fat at all. It was only my perception.

I was very shy and both of my parents would tell you that I was 'non-communicative' and I hardly ever told my parents what I felt, wanted or needed. If I had, I might have told them I don't want to live with my alcoholic mother but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I suffered in silence.... feeling alone and like nobody would ever understand me or how I felt.

I have raised three teenagers and yes, teenagers are selfish. Kids can be taught to share and sometimes it's just part of their personality to share, but people in general, are selfish. We want things the way we want them. Have you ever waited in traffic because not one person will stop to let you in??? I have. It's human nature I think and it's why teaching kids empathy, to share and to give back when they are small is so important. If she hasn't learned that yet, it's her parent's fault and perhaps getting dad to talk to her, get involved in volunteering to charities so she can see how good she has it and how to help those that are less fortunate, etc. (I'm just generalizing because I don't know exactly what you mean when you say she's selfish)

As for her perception of you... well, she is a teenager. My kids get annoyed and talk back and I tell them that it's okay to be upset, angry or whatever feeling they have but I won't tolerate them being rude or disrespectful to me. That may not work with a teen step child because she seems to harbor resentment too. What have you done in the past to cause her to resent you? Just like you shouldn't hold onto those things, she shouldn't either but kids will remember things long after we forget. (I will also add that it has been a lot harder for me to forget that my SD wrote a note about how she hates me and I'm the worst stepmother because I gave her cereal instead of biscuits and gravy... it's hard to hear those words come from a child that isn't yours. When my kids say terrible things, I know they still love me. When she says it, in my mind, she probably means it more)

Could you sit down and apologize to her and find some common ground to start over. It takes work and it isn't easy but if you want to save your marriage, it's necessary. If you need a counselor to help you through it, then do what you must. But, don't try to make it through until she's an adult, 'tolerating' her because even once she's grown, she is always going to be a part of your life, as long as you are with your husband. Graduations, weddings, grandkids, holidays, funerals, etc.

Mmm..i have a problem if someone called me an F'in whore and said my house was hell house of horrors. For me, i would tell her to get out and go live with her mother if she was so unhappy in my house of horrors. That would be my first instinct. BUT, i do not know the full circumstances of this situation. I dont know if she speaks to you and everyone around like this cause of low self esteem or maybe you said something way out of line for her to tell you off.
ANd just to ask...What the heck did your husband do when she spoke with such disgusting foul language and insult? Where was your husband at that point? Did he ground her for calling your a f' whore? What exactly did you say to provoke her or what was the situation?
I understand if your husband can't stay especially if you cannot let something go for 2 years. BUT if he did not address that disgusting foul mouth of his daughter when this incident occurred then i can understand why you didn't let it go.
ANd from this perspective i would have serious counciling concerning your relationship with your husband not your SD. ITs him you married and will live with for a long time not your SD. She will eventually move out of the house and get married herself and moveon.
As for your SD perspective, you are not her mother and please do not place yourself as her mother because if you have then this is why your SD is aggressive and obnoxious towards you. My own cousin did this and her SS retaliated. I'm also a stepchild and a stepparent. You must respect your SD space but she also in turn must respect you as a human being and an adult sharing the same home. THis has to be acknowledged in the entire family. including your husband. You cannot have a better relationship than her mother and dad with her. Very touchy feelings when people divorce and if it was an ugly one the kids are upsidedown.
There is nothing wrong in being friends with SD but dont try to better yourself from both her bioparents. She will always have loyalty ties to them No matter how bad they are.

Hi rippey, I've read a few of your posts and this one made me think of something I use at work. It may be a little out there but from what you have described of you and your stepdaughter, it might help.

I've been using a personality type model to help me communicate and understand other personality types. It's quite interesting and it helped me to understand my communication style vs. other people who do not have the same style.

Ok, so this is a short test that is a jumping off point. http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp From there you can google your type to get more information, there is a lot out there! And you can also try to type your stepdaughter.

Hope it helps.