I didn't know my 26 y.o. SS was also living off of you guys! So, that's where he's been!

My DH has enabled his children terribly. I found this site seeking support during the lowest point of my 10yr marriage. My 24 y.o. SD had moved in w/ us and it was a nightmare after the first few weeks. I was angry w/DH more than w/ her as he allowed her to live the life of a princess while I was Cinderella, lol.

We sought marriage counseling and it really helped - we're back on track, she's on her own after 8 mos. and doing well. We can be friends again. I highly receommend it for you. My DH didn't want to hear anything I had to say - but suddenly hearing it from an impartial third party woke him up.

We still have the missing SS, angry 'cause Dad took away his car after years of being irresponsible and not speaking to us. At our final marriage counselor appt, I asked what we could do and she said, "Lend an ear if given the chance. Do not allow him into your house if he shows up one day until you're certain he's willing to work."

SS is a gorgeous guy, very smart and talented in music, too. He is gay - no biggie to me, DH is supportive though BM is not. Anyway, SS flunked/dropped out of college in his 6 year - stuck me for the student loans I cosigned and hasn't spoken to us in over 2 years.

I urge you to seek couseling. Say, "I'm sorry if you are unhappy w/ my position on this, but I truly believe you are doing him so service by continuing to come to his rescue. Let's seek an impartial third party and see if I'm off base or what. I believe what we have together is worth saving. If you do too, please join me at Dr. ____________'s office on Tuesday."

Good luck.
Dana

As I am sure you are aware, you don't have any control over whether your SS rents an apartment next door to you, unless you own the property yourself. I am not sure what you expected to happen by complaining about it to his father. I am not surprised his reaction was negative.

If I were in your shoes, I would start protecting my assets if I had any, in case you can't live with this problem and don't waste to many years of your life hoping things will change. It doesn't sound good.

Even in bio families, there are differences between children. My X was always hardworking, it took longer for his brother to find his way. I think your suggestions, computer classes, internships were good. I think the idea of him going to counseling is a good one. How is he going to afford the apartment?

Thankyou very much for the responses. I was really surprised and pleased to find them.

Dana. It seems that you have been in my shoes. Your advice is appreciated. We have been in counseling on and off since we got married (four years ago). Currently, we each seach our own therapists as the couples counseling really amounted to nothing but stirring up the problems and not finding solutions to them. I would like to resume couples therapy on focus on this issue with SS. For all of our sakes.

This is in response to the "otherside". Being new to this forum, I am not aware of your story. Should I presume by your user name that you are a step child? This was your puzzling response:

"As I am sure you are aware, you don't have any control over whether your SS rents an apartment next door to you, unless you own the property yourself. I am not sure what you expected to happen by complaining about it to his father. I am not surprised his reaction was negative."

With all due respect. I did openly express to his father that his son is certainly free to reside where he chooses.
(Do you honestly think that I, or anyone else who desires an happy marriage and life, would want to severe the relationship between a father and his child?) Being of a pretty fair intelligence and as a parent myself, I assure you that I would never fantasize nor try to cause their relationship to end. Nor would I want to be with someone who would try to severe my relationship with my son. We have had MAJOR boundary issues with my SS and husband. Ever hear the term "Emotional Incest"? This is the full story:

My husband's X died when their son was 4. She was from a wealthy family. She was also a drug addict. She left them before my stepson was 1 year old. My husband stayed alone (with the exception of casual dating) and raised his son until we met; when his son was 20 years old. There was no one to balance out the situation. Just him and his son filling each other's emotional needs. (My former mother-in-law, who passed away last year, who was widowed, also helped to raise this boy.)
Then add the wealthy grandfather, father of the deceased X) who gave this boy thousands of dollars each year to ease his own guilt.
Today we have a 25 year old who has no work or real life experience. He also cannot form relationships. He is sadly, very happy to just hang out with his father, as much as possible, just like he did as a kid. He wants to either live with or near us, to be able to continue hanging out with his dad. I don't mean to drone on, but I KNOW that this is not healthy for him or his dad. Not being able to date or work, but prefering to regress to early teenhood years is NOT healthy for someone in their mid twenties. Do you? Just abit taken aback by the "othersides" response. Again, just curious.
To Jonesy and kkny: Thanks for your suggestions. Your support is appreciated. I am worried about the assests that we have collected. I also love my husband and don't want to go through a divorce ( I will be 50 soon).

You know, I am extremely honest with and hard on myself. I really want to be the best person I can possibly be. I also don't want to hurt others. I just want to be have a happy partnership. It's hard when you are with someone who is so blinded and screwed up by their love for their child that they are willing to climb up onto to the cross and sacrifice their chance for a happy union with another adult. It's tragic.

I actually meant more counseling for SS -- someone help him develope a plan

This is in response to the "otherside". Being new to this forum, I am not aware of your story. Should I presume by your user name that you are a step child? This was your puzzling response:

Not a stepchild. Not a stepmother. Nobody can figure out why she's here, other than to spout a holier than thou attitude and attempt to make people in crisis feel bad about themselves.

Gee, maybe she is my ex-husband ~

I don't see anything wrong with him hanging out with his father, or living near his father. Lots of people that age still live with their parents. Sixty-five percent of college graduates come back home to live after college.

I think he is very lucky to have had a father who cared enough to focus on him rather than running off to marry as soon as his wife died, and he was lucky to have had a grandmother to help raise him as well. If, in fact, his son was emotionally fragile, maybe his father recognized that and was aware of how important it was to be there for him, even more so than for a child who was more resilient.

I just can't imagine telling my spouse that I didn't want a relative of his, any relative, moving "too" close. When I was married, I suggested that my H ask his grandmother, who had alzheimers, to move in with us. My sister lives across the street from one of her grown children. Off the top of my head, I can think of 5 neighbors whose children (in their 30's) all live within a few miles; of my co-workers who have adult children or whose parents are still alive, about 2/3 live within a few miles of their children, their parents, or their spouse's parents. Most people DO live close to their parents or their children.

How, exactly, do you tell a child you don't want him living a few blocks away without sounding cruel and heartless? And what do you say when he says, "Tough, you don't own the apartment building?"

How do you even know whether or not he dates? Do you even know if he is straight or gay? Why do you care?

May he suffers from depression, or maybe he has Asperger's. Obviously we can't diagnose him over the Internet. I think it is a good thing that his father wants to help him.

I don't understand why this is such a big deal for you, why you are contemplating divorce over it. The guy isn't even planning to live at home. What's the worse that could happen - his father and grandfather could end up supporting him. Would his father go bankrupt if that happened?

To kkny: Thank you for your advice. I have suggested counseling, but to no avial.

To Weed30: Thank you for making me smile. That's pretty funny.

To everyone who has read my post: Thanks for reading. This is my very first experience with posting on a forum. I had been wishing for a support group...I never thought that I would find one until I googled "need help with adult stepson". That's how I found this site. You have no idea how thankful I feel to have been heard.

To the "otherside". Do you get some sort of pleasure from thinking the worst of those who post on this forum. Seems to be you like to spin things to make the poster look insensitive. If you really read my post, and had the intelligence to understand it, you would realize that my SS is not a healty adult. The hallmarks of adulthood are the abiltiy to work at something you care about and form meaningful relationships.
He is not gay. If he was, we would probably get along better...I have a few gay friends. I know for a fact that he does not date, because he tells his father he cannot. He does keep a vast porn collection, some of which I find very objectionable. But hey, maybe you consider that dating.
Also, we work like dogs. And no we cannot afford to support him once his money runs out or it stops coming from his grandfather.
Parenting is full of joy, laughter and stress. It is stressful to raise kids to want to become independent. We have to raise them as such so that they can experience all of the joys and sorrows that come with being an adult. Relationship, careers, children, etc. Doing otherwise is a huge diservice to them.

If you realize he is not healthy, then it seems to me that would be all the more reason to support his father's desire to be there for him. Would you not want him to live close if he were needy in some physical way, such as being paraplegic?

I think it's obvious from his/her name what TOS is about -- presenting the other side of the story. As a stepchild, reading this forum can sometimes be disheartening -- stepchildren are almost always presented as needy, grasping, greedy, immature hangers-on out to spoil their parents' lives. I suspect TOS is either a biological mother or someone who comes from a stepfamily.

What TOS and other posters who take this tack attempt to do, in an admittedly hamhanded fashion, is to remind everyone that what you read on a post is truly only one side of the story. That's not to say that I think TOS is always right, but he/she is certainly not always wrong.

Lilysuzanne. Point taken about. There are always two sides to every story. But to consitently play the devil's advocate when honest people are so frustrated and at a loss with their situation, that they open up to strangers on the internet in an attempt to get some compassionate listening and perhaps insight into their situation. Well, TOS is neither providing compassion nor insight. Just arrogant, deliberately frustrating comments.

TOS: I am not a monster. Not even close. I have tried to help this person get his life together MUCH more than his father has. I have spent countless hours searching the net for interships, course, possible job situations etc. He does not want to do any of it. He has openly said that he does not want to grow up and get a job and an adult life. His father has enabled this. Furthermore, he is not mentally or physically ill. If he unable to live on his own and NEEDED assistance, well of course he would live with us. Do you really think that you are helping with such remarks as in your last post?

I dont see TOS as arrogant. But I would emphasize that there are many sides to a story. If all you do is listen to those who say, oh yes, SS is outrageous, threaten DD with divorce if SS moves near you -- you may be headed down a tract -- are you certain that is what you want.

You said,

"you would realize that my SS is not a healthy adult."

Now I am really confused, because in your latest post you say,

"he is not mentally or physically ill."

It seemed from the first comment that you wanted me to realize that you knew he was mentally ill, yet now you say he isn't.

If he simply would rather remain a child, but knows that he has to grow up yet has deficits in executive functioning or some other skills that are interfering with the planning required to get a job, then he is merely being honest when he says he doesn't want to grow up. One of my college-aged children has said the same thing on several occasions.

However, there is a good possibility that he does suffer from mental illness.

If I had to guess, I would say that he either has Asperger's, executive function disorder, or is depressed, or some combination of all three. He apparently was able to complete college (a rather high percentage of students do not finish in 4 years). Did he receive services when he was in high school?

Scaruso,

I've pleaded on this forum for SUPPORT! We have all come here for support, not to be badgered, etc. Ignore the comments, if you can, that put a different spin on things. Most people here have been rubbed wrong by a few other members. I believe they are women who have been scorned, raising kids alone, and truly playing Devil's Advocate at each turn. I have found the wording they choose to use offensive, but I've also grown to realize that they are terribly unhappy. While I have moments of being unhappy, it isn't a way of life, so I feel more pity for them to be honest. Turn the other cheek and don't keep reading if it angers you as it once did me!

The fact is that while your SS is not technically mentally or physically ill - as in NO formal diagnosis, he is NOT HEALTHY. HEALTHY people of his age are pursuing careers, academic goals, hopefully dreaming to one day settle down and have children!

My SS is brillliant - or he was. Lived w/ us through the last year + of H.S. and barely cracked a book, got straight A's in honors classes, AP classes, etc. Something went terribly wrong towards the end of college. But, something was already terribly wrong before - which has nothing to do w/ his homosexuality.

My DH tried to get the boy/man to work in our office one summer - in exchange, he'd help him get a new car so he could give up the HORRIBLE heap of junk I gave him (an Explorer, fully loaded, 2 yrs. old, lol.) Well, SS showed up twice, both times at about 3 pm, and guess what DH did at the end of the summer? You got it - bought him the car anyway, behind my back, of course. Rewarding BAD behavior does no one a service.

In his 6th year of college, his latest car was repossessed, despite DH sending him the $ monthly and having SS do something else w/ it. Instead of handing SS a bus pass, he moved heaven and earth to get him the car back! I was throwing my arms up in exasperation. When will YOU realize that you are rewarding bad behavior?

Of course, the reason SS failed/dropped out of college, so close to having his degree, was that he didn't have a way to get to class for the few weeks he was car-less since Daddy had let him move off campus and public transportation was beneath him....

It's like one huge bail out after another and it has CRIPPLED my SS. He won't work, he won't finish school (if he even has that option) and he's basically a BUM. I hate to say it and I do have many, many nights when I can't sleep as I'm worried sick about him. I still love him, just don't like him much, you know? I also hate to see yet another MAN out there who views himself as a dependent teenager. Sheesh! And, my SS had the vast collection of 'dates' you witnessed, though all were women-free. He used to leave thumbnails of photos up on our house computer - men w/ men...it was pretty gross.

Sadly, he is choosing to live like this rather than join the rest of us in the work force. It's weird since he always had champagne taste, a huge sense of entitlement, and at two of his last 3 residences, hadn't paid the electric bill, got it turned off, and was stealing electric from a huge extension cord! I have no idea how this is done, but it was reported to us by the landlords from two different cities. We feared drugs, but the one mutual friend we have has insisted he's too broke for drugs, just living off the boyfriend who's family disapproves, etc.

Anyway, our SSs could seek a mental healthy professional and get the clean bill of health. They might be depressed on any given day, but I wonder if they are more depressed than any of us on any given day?

Sorry to say, but I don't think LAZINESS counts as an illness. Yes, it's a handicapped, but a self-inflicted one.

I'd definitely seek couples' counseling again specifically to help w/ dialogue for both you and your DH to deal w/ one another and w/ SS. No one wants to be offensive to anyone here. You are not a monster for wanting to distance yourselves from this SS who has not grown up at all. Yes, it IS wonderful when adult children are friends w/ their parents. However, when such togetherness leads to poor decisions on both people's side, it isn't productive for anyone. I'm so sorry that you are dealing w/ this codependence issue. Does SS have any friends, peers? If so, what do they do? My SS severed all ties w/ his H.S. friends. I believe there are two reasons: 1. the gay issue and 2. the fact that they all have careers or are in professional school. I'm sure he wouldn't be comfortable telling them he isn't working or in school...and hasn't been for years.

Dana

I guess I missed a post because I didnt see anyone calling the OP a monster. What I did see was posts from other than SMs suggesting a milder course of action. If all OP wants is the bull in a china shop approach of full speed ahead (sorry to mix metaphors), go for it. But sometimes the best advice is slow down and think about it.

To Dana: My name is Susan. Good to meet you! Our situations sound very similar. Thank you so much for listening to me. I don't expect agreement, just support. And I truly appreciate yours. I am going to suggest couples counseling. If SS comes back to area, I would like to include him as well. His issues with women scare me. When I saw the big box of porn, I was pretty shocked. It's not girly pictures. But instead S & M and preteen nude shots. I fear he has alot of deep seeded anger towards women. His mother, a heroin addict left him and his dad when he was 9 mos. She did, however, have him on weekends for the until her death, when he was 4 years old. If anything is spoken about her it is only glowing. Not to say that she should be spoken of with negativity. I think that SS development is arrested emotionally, psychologically. Because she had such a tragic life, her parents, my husbands, and my husband joined together to make SS life as easy as possible, i.e. gave him the best of everything, make excuses for his chronic laziness and worst of all, I believe they filtered all stress from his life. I have tried to say that doing so has really done him a diservice. You know, when we work out with weights, we stress our muscles. It may be uncomfortable, but with time the pain gets better and the muscles get bigger. We get stronger. When we get stronger, our self esteem grows.

TOS: He did not get services in high school. And I was not in the picture until he turned 20. I know he tested very well on his ACTs and SATs, but his grades were pretty low. He is the classic under achiever. In college, he was a music major at a state school. Never worked during the whole five years ended up with a grade point average of less than a C. I know for a fact, at least when he was home with us vacations and summers. He did nothing but smoke pot, go out all night with his childhood friends, and sleep all day. His father allowed this. Saying "Oh come on he's just a college kid...that's just how they live". While I get up at 5:30 am, and endure a 1.5 hour commute to my job in downtown Chicago to help support us. It infuriated me to know that he would get up at 2 or 3, watch soccer, take an hour long shower, do endless primping of his hair etc. By the time I got home in the evening, his dad would be fixing his dinner. He would sit there every night with us until his friends called him to go out at 10pm. Every day was pretty much the same. Did you read in my post about the huge porn collection he kept at our house? It made me so uncomfortable. (His room is across the hall from ours.) He is extremely quiet around women....most woman comment that this makes them uncomfortable. To be honest, he makes me very uncomfortable. I have honestly been trying to forge a relationship with him for the last five years. It is exhausting to try to converse with someone who does not want to talk to you. It truly drains my energy.
I live with a chronic autoimmune disease and I feel that I need every bit of energy I have just to keep going to work. I work as a graphic designer. I have since I graduated from art school around 23 years ago. I cannot financially quit my job. Also, my husband is on my health insurance....he is self employed and has health issues that would make it hard for him to get his own insurance.
I have not threatened divorce. I just feel the need to protect myself and my sanity at this point. I have no more suggestions for him. After all these years of trying to figure out what is wrong and get him some help. I'm exhausted. All I ask is that if he moves down the block
that he respects our house and our privacy. As we will his. TOS I think you asked about his friends. He as 3 friends from childhood who live in the area. They are like him. Heavy into smoking pot, playing video games and if they do work, it's at a minimum wage job. Let's just say they don't aim high. I have tried to tell SS to surround himself with people who are actively persuing their dreams. He wants a career in music. I tell him to seek out others who want the same. Form a group, or just get together and support each other...sorry I know that I am going on and on. I am just trying to explain the situation a bit better. Thanks, Susan

I wanted to thank you again for your understanding. I really don't have anyone, such as a friend, to turn to with this SS problem. I don't want to involve my family as I don't want them to think ill of him or my husband. How have you and your husband found peace with the SS situation being as it is? We cannot even discuss my SS as it always ends up heated and nonproductive. It has really hurt our relationship. Thanks, Susan

Problems with stepfamilies are isolating, Scaruso. Almost anyone you could turn to seems to have a vested interest in the outcome, so it's tough to get some clear-headed, dispassionate advice. That's why I like this forum -- along with exposure to other viewpoints, there is a great deal of support to be found. Welcome.

Thank you so much for the support. Forgive me, but being so new to this site, I am not familar with your story. If you would like to share, I would be happy to listen. If not, that's okay too. Again, thanks for the welcome.
Susan

I hope no one objects if I weigh in on this discussion. This is my first time on this particular subject. Being a stepmom for 22 years it just caught my attention. Susan, I will tell you what worked for me but I realize you would have to have your husbands support for it to work for you. We each have 3 children. My children were self sufficient ~ his were constantly wanting/needing something and consequently he stayed broke. I explained to him that if we were going to give to one, we were going to give to all six and that would leave us in a bad situation. He agreed with this. His children didn't like me very much when they realized their money source was cut off. However they became more confident and in time realized I was the best thing that had happened to them. They all respect and love me and none of them would want to get rid of me now. On the rare occasion they really needed help they got it but they knew not to push their luck. If your husband won't stop being an enabler maybe you should try another strategy. Would it hurt your finances to give to two sons? You would have to get your son's help with this. Everytime the SS needs something pretend your son needs something also. Take the money and put it in an account for you. Who knows you may need it later. Should this cause the finances to suffer then let your DH figure out what to do about it. Maybe he could work some overtime? You see where I'm going with this? It's not too bad to give to one but when it's two it starts to hurt. I totally understand how it is to work with an autoimmune disease. I had to give up my job because of fibromyalgia. I hope you can find a workable solution to your problem. You definitely need support while you're finding an answer. Gayle

Hi Gayle,

Thanks for the perspective. My SS is supported by money left from his grandmother and his maternal grandfathr. He is also cashing in stock investments that were made for him when he was a child. I am afraid that the money is almost gone, and that he will need to come and live with us. My son works full time, put himself through college and is finacially independent. If you read my latest post to Dana you will get a better idea of my situation. I would love more insight from you. I appreciate the support. Sorry about your Fibro. I would like to hear more about your health experiences if you are willing to share.

Thanks,
Susan

Sorry, Susan. I have a bad habit of speed reading and sometimes miss something. I was thinking you were already contributing to his upkeep. I read on another post that you have decided to divorce. If you do go that route I suppose the problem is solved. I hate for it to come to that but sometimes it can't be helped. Your DH's allegiance should be to you first, not a child that should be self supporting. Should you change your mind and decide to work it out maybe you should just not worry about the situation as long as the money is coming from elsewhere. When it's all gone and you/his dad have to support him then your DH would have to make the decision of whether it's worth ruining the marriage to enable him. I personally wouldn't work like you're doing and support a SS who doesn't want to amount to anything. The people who are doing this for him now are definitely doing him a disservice. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Gayle

I think this is a large part of why I think anyone going into a second marriage should have a pre-nup. Each party should decide how much he/she is going to support children.

This has been very helpful. I have had more than my share of adult SK issues, and I often wish they would go on a long trip, far away, for a very very long time. I realize that it is difficult for all involved, not just me. My relationship with the main problem child had been improving (because I stopped complaining about DH paying ALL of her household bills ie rent, utilities, ins, etc. and giving her spending money; I just really dont care anymore, and it is obvious it is not going to stop) then she decides to call me and explain what a j***a**, a**h?*& and other assorted words her father is because he had not delivered her new computer on the day he told her he would. When I explained to her that in addition to being her father, he is my husband, and that type of language is unacceptable to me, she began railing about how I was nothing in his life, she is everything, and he is put on the earth to provide for her. When I relayed the conversation to her father, he said that I should have just told her to tell him these things, and told her that HE THINKS WE BOTH SAID WRONG THINGS!!! I have lost a portion of what I felt for him after this episode, and any relationship I could have had with this SD is over. I understand now that she was just feeling comfortable enough with me to speak about her father the way she does with her mother and sister. It is sad that her father is willing to sacrifice an otherwise good marital relationship to appease 2 horrible girls,but that is his choice. Thanks for being here to let me vent, I am not looking for ways to get along with these SD's, but I would like to continue in my marriage if possible. All things are possible, but that does not mean they are destined to be.

Hi Peace Seeker. You are at the place I was for the last three years. When I lost my desire to have a relationship with my SS, who is 25, and has lived in CA for the last two years (we live in a suburb of Chicago), I thought well at least he is not living with us anymore. My husband said "I will keep my relationship with him and you totally separate". Problem is my Husband and I could never talk about him, i.e. what and how he was doing. It caused a real strain between us. I think that's when my husband and I really started to dislike each other. When he told me SS was moving back to the area (very close by or he would stay with us for awhile) I got chest pain. Such anxiety. I asked him how that would work out and he blew up at him. That's when I realized that I don't want this stressful package deal anymore. It has really ruined my health. I hope you do better than I. Have you gone to counseling together yet. Some people on this forum and had alot of success due to counseling. Vent away. I'll listen. I may not have all the answers, but I can tell that you really need a compassionate ear.
Susan

Hi Gayle,

SS's money, stocks etc. are almost depleted. He probably has 6 months of money left to live on. Over the past year my husband has given his some money from an inheritance, when he promised me he would not. I can't trust my husband anymore. His love (if that's what you call it) or devotion to his son had caused him to lie to me on various occasions. I simply don't trust either one of them anymore.

Thanks for reading.
Susan

Hi Susan,

My story is similiar to yours in some ways. My SS has lived with me since he was 4 and my husband raised him since he was 6 mos. BM was a drug addict and alcoholic and died almost 2 yrs ago. She had a rich dad and grandfather who felt guilty b/c her parents divored and they spoiled her. She was a trainwreck and they tried to do the same to my son. Since she died, they have slowly faded out of the picture, so it is good in some ways. Anyhow, my advice to you is to tell your SS to join the miiitary. They'll straighten him out!