BM is quite a piece of work!! What is dh going to do with this new info on the counselor situation??

How awful for your SD!

Pseudo - I read something that described your situation perfectly the other day. Well, a milder version.

Daughter was anxious, Mom wanted to get her to talk about it, and advice columnist said something to the effect of: "Yeah, sure -- to a point. But that for Mom to give undivided attention to daughter's wailing and moaning reinforced that behavior. Daughter also needed to be encouraged to 'deal with' her issues herself and praised for coping and problem-solving."

BioMom seems to desparately want her daughter to have a super-close (unheathy-close) relationship with her -- emotional co-dependence. It's horrible for SD's mental state and has turned an anxious and attention-seeking kid into an absolute basket case!

Any chance C#1 would be willing to meet with C#2, #3, #4 -6 (at Dad's instigation and on his nickel) to compare notes and make a joint recommendation to the courts? This situation has disintegrated so badly, and if all of the counselors can get on the same page, they may be able to make a difference.

In my mind, SD is being abused by BioMom's games. If BioMom were doing to SD's physical health what she is doing to her mental health, there'd be *no doubt* it was child abuse.

Dad needs to jump into this fray with both feet and whole heart and mind. And Pseudo - You need to help him. You can't sit back and wash your hands of this mess, or else you'll be dealing with it for another 20 years.

So, let me get this straight...
C#1 was willing to keep seeing SD, basically for free, but BM said no because C#1 didn't like her whining about you and Dad.
C#2 either never actually saw SD, or BM made up a reason why they stopped seeing her.

This is totally ridiculous.
It sounds like BM is purposefully ruining her daughter's life. I presume it's because BM feels unimportant or inadequate so she wants her daughter to NEED her, but I can't really make an informed guess on the "logic" of someone who is clearly bonkers.

crazy woman. can't believe she lied about C2 and now does not want to see C1. who SD lives with? is it possible DH could get her a concelor and take her there, not BM?

Sounds like mom doesn't want her daughter to get help to me. She's bouncing from counselor to counselor untill she finds one that will tell her what she wants to hear. She NEEDS to find one that's going to help her daughter! ICK.

He asked C#1 to come to court on the 26th if she can't make it to write a recommendation to the courts.

We have an appt with a physician next week.

This is a big mess ... I am not sitting back any longer I just will not be alone with SD anytime soon. SD is staying with mom for a few weeks ... its not the best situation for her but its the only one that will keep SD sane any limited contact with mom is a cause for an anxious moment.

We have hired a lawyer to deal with the sticky parts.

C#2 was seeing SD but said she didn't think she needed as much counseling as mom wanted ... was going to go once a month ... mom wants weekly appts. C#6 agreed to weekly visits and spends 15minutes of each appointment talking with mom 45 with SD.

I am glad that your SD is going to be seeing a physician specializing in anxiety disorders. Her mental health issues seem to be way beyond anything that a counselor without a medical degree would be trained to deal with.

" Her mental health issues seem to be way beyond anything that a counselor without a medical degree would be trained to deal with."

Assuming SD isn't 'milking it' to the hilt to get so much of Mom's undivided attention.

But nonetheless, I'm glad she's going to the doctor, and I hope Dad will FULLY participate in that evaluation. He has the right and should insist upon executing it. In fact, he should also (if he feels that way) express (quietly, and in advance) both his genuine concern for his daughter's mental health, but also his possible skepticism that she may be exaggerating her own distress and why she might be inclined to do that.

Pseudo, I'm glad you're jumping back into this game. SD needs your balance in there.

Well last night at 9:30 PM BM called ... SD is flipping out ... Mom is at Foxwoods (90 minutes away) left yesterday morning. SD stayed behind with the woman upstairs from her ... apparently BM "asked SD do you want to go to daddy's or stay at neighbors?" SD said neighbors.

So while at neighbors started having a meltdown about missing her mom ... flipping out etc... neighbor told her to "knock if off before the police show up and put you in foster care!!" So SD started calling mom mom called hubby ... hubby said have her call me .. SD calls blah blah blah ... we end up going to get her from the neighbors ...

I get out of the car SD comes outside no shoes on .. I told her to go back and get shoes ... I asked neighbor why is she saying you told her she was going to a foster home ... she looked a little shocked that I was questioning her ... she apologized but she didn't know how to get her to stop I said well SD should have never been left with you its not your fault it's mom's fault mom should have known better if she couldn't be with daughter then she should be with her dad.

SD overheard me say its mom's fault... SD started crying again saying it was her fault she didn't want to go with daddy she wanted to go with neighbor apologizing etc... I told SD you should not have been given a choice mom should not have asked you where you wanted to stay you are only 9 years old you don't get to make decisions like that ... When mom knew she was going away she should have called daddy and said I am going away I will be dropping off DD end of discussion... she repeated but I wanted to stay at neighbors ...Hubby said it wasn't your decision to make there are things kids don't get to decide and this is one of them.

Favorite BM quote from last night!!!!
"I already gave up one night away because of her you tell her I am not coming back tonight!!" She is lucky she is not my ex ... she would have gotten an earful.

Hubby called her at 11PM to ask her what time she was coming to get SD today because he has to work and I refuse to be alone with her for an extended period of time... she hung up on him ... SD called mom till about midnight!!! mom kept saying she was busy and would talk to her in the morning.... SD is still sleeping at this point.

Love the quote from BM! She created this monster...did she really think that sd would only pull this stuff with you and dh? Now she has made it so she can't go away at all!

What are you going to do if she does not pick up sd today?

I am actually going to take SD with me I have errands to run ... she and I used to get along great ...its only in the last 4 months she has given me any trouble... I figure if we are out in public she won't call me mean and nasty names :) (crossing fingers)

When I have to go to work ..I don't know I can't leave her here with the boys ... and my oldest SD is away this weekend ... so I could call my MIL ... I don't know what I will do maybe hubby will get out of work early ....

"She created this monster..."

You got it Emall!

Does SD have any coping skills? Yoga? Deep breathing? Meditation? Positive Imagery?
I know she's only 9, but they can be really helpful, even at that young age. A lot of my younger son's (autistic) friends have serious anxiety issues, and their families use these techniques to help the children cope.

When all this first started ... I asked mom I asked the counselor#6 ... to give me the tools I would need to help her ... what can I do to prevent meltdowns? what can I do to console her ... so it doesn't get out of hand ... I was told by both mom and the counselor to "just let her call her mom" .. I responded that doesn't work ... she gets more irate while on the phone with mom ....

No one gave me a clue how to help her .... I have used paper bags with her when she is flipping I tell her to breath into a bag .... the situation has gotten out of control ....

Coping techniques we have tried:
Cup of tea ...(this works as a prevention not when she is in meltdown mode)
Paper bag (this seems to work in meltdown mode)
headphones with her favorite songs (prevention)
feelings book. (prevention and meltdown)
Warm bath (prevention)

But we haven't been able to do any of these things because she has been with mom going on 3 weeks now ... she has been here a couple times in 3 weeks did not have any issues while here so we haven't used them.

I have kept a log of her "triggers" ... most are when she doesn't what she wants... if she is told no about whatever it is it becomes a meltdown of I miss my mommy!!

BM just called SS13's cellphone to tell him she won't be here until 6:30 pm ... I told him to call her back and tell her 8:30 so we can go to "bingo" ... all summer long we have bingo at the community house on the island. She hasn't answered the phone ... hmmmm getting tired of being on the phone maybe?? ignoring it ??? doesn't want to talk to her daughter maybe??

One thing my SC have learned keep calling till she answers ... they are relentous with that doesn't matter who they are calling its what they do ... except me they know better. :) Unless you are bleeding and dying you don't need to continuously call me I'll get back to you when I have a free moment... or if its that important leave a message.

I can hear the phone beeping (heeheh) he has tried her phone 6 times already.

I understand why you went and got her but personally, your DH should have told her "sorry, you chose to leave her with the neighbor and you'll have to come back and deal with her. I'm at work & it's not my time to have her. Pseudo can't go get her." and put it on BM to handle the monster she created. Now, she knows you have her and she's ignoring her phone.

If my stepdaughter was arguing with me over who's fault it was (insisting that SHE decided to go to neighbors and it wasn't mom's decision) I would probably tell her, 'well then why am I here? I will just leave you with the neighbors since that's what you wanted. What's the problem if you decided you want to be here?' I'd say all that even though I would still take her with me, but she needs to accept responsibility for her choice too. If mom is going to give her the choice, she needs to realize that there is a consequence that she needs to think about. She's old enough to understand that. Simply telling her she isn't old enough to make a decision is not going to get her to understand WHY she isn't old enough to make a decision. When she starts to cry that she didn't know she was going to feel this way or whatever, then tell her "that's why you are not supposed to make this decision. Mom should know you will feel this way because she is a grown up and it's hers and dads job to make these kinds of decisions."

What is BM doing out of town? Business or personal?

Personal... both myself and hubby told SD ... this is why kids don't make decisions so they don't have to make choices they don't understand ... did you really think your mom was going to come back and get you? she said no.

Part of being a grown up is knowing when kids shouldn't make decisions for themselves .... your mom should have said you are going to dad's while I go away end of discussion.

He did tell her she had to come and get them ... but she's too busy having fun Foxwoods is an indian casino in Rhode Island. It was supposed to be a 2 night stay she "already gave up one night away for her" She's sending her father at 3PM for them.

So she called back about the bingo thing.... she kept saying she didn't want to "burden me" with her children... repeated back your children are not a burden to me you are.... Then she was telling me about SD's night at the neighbors ... I said she shouldn't have had a choice as a mother you should have made an adult decision but you chose to let a child decide you realize you are destroying any chance hubby has with his daughter but that afterall is your goal right!!

She then says "what's this I drop my kids off everytime I want to go play pool!" I said yes you do ... so don't try and convince me you don't ... not that dumb I said yes I did say that but guess what you said some stuff too I wouldn't be so quick to throw jabs ... good luck trying to volunteer at school!! what do you mean ... I said well since the boys haven't showered in 4 days 2 of those days they were with you :) We have beetles .... good luck trying to find one!!

She said well the kids tell me I said stop right there this isn't going to be a pissing contest ... of what kid said what ... all I know if you instead of defending the father of your children you threw him under the bus what did you think was going to happen.... well I thought since last time nothing was done they wouldn't do anything again .... so instead of sticking up for your children you berate their father and want them to berate their father ... what a good mother you are....

And then I ask.... why is SD having her teeth whitened?? they are yellow she says she doesn't brush!! I then said well you know what where were you with the toothbrush when her teeth were coming in? you don't wait till they are 9 to start taking an interest in their dental health. Whitening her teeth at 9 years old will destroy any enamel on her teeth so as an adult she will have soft cavity filled teeth.... and I will be telling that you allowed her to have her teeth whitened. And since hubby has first right of refusal ... you a) never asked him or b)asked him which he replied .. "why don't you just bring her here" which I did hear him say ... and you chose to ignore him. So which is it going to be.

She then said well SD didn't want to go there I said well apparently she did because she is here now and none of that should even matter she shouldn't have had a say in the decision process.

I said so next time you decide to call or have someone call think who is this hurting my ex or my kids ... who is this benefitting me or my kids ... I am going to guess anything to get back at hubby and benefit you ... she says yeah this is all about me ... I said yes it is. you like the way you feel because SD can't function without you ...you get just as much thrill out of it SD does.... she likes she can control you and you like being needed ... but it is only hurthing your daughter in the short and long term.... and its going to stop soon enough.

She says what are you going to do !!! I said ... you'll see but I won't be lying .... hey have you talked to C#2 how is her new job going?? I hear she didn't accept the position!!!!

Should have asked her if she paid any of her CS with the $350.00 she won in pool sunday afternoon.

I told the kids to call me if they want to go to bingo tonight I will go pick them up and drop them back off if they want to go.

While eating lunch 2 of them mentioned changing schools ... I said unless a judge orders your parents to change your schools you are not changing ... but mommy said ... I don't care what your mother said ... your father said no so since they cannot decide on what to do a judge will.