Sorry it took me so long to come back, I have been busy. He says he is still happy and loves me with all his heart. But I think since I was in a cheating marriage before I see things that I do not like. He does not think that if he lies to me about small stuff that it is ok. I do not see it that way. Lies are lies, holding out on telling me the truth about small stuff makes me wonder what else he is not teliing me. I told him before we got married that he could tell me that he loved me all he wanted, but of he was not honest with me all that love meant nothing. I went through that before. Saying I love you is easy, showing it is harder. I know he has taken off from work when I was working by looking at his paycheck and seeing that he has used up some his vacation and sick time. I wonder where did he go what did he do. He has a lock on his PC so no one can get on it. I do not think he understands that doing these things makes me wonder. I tell him everything, I have nothing to hide.I know that he goes on my PC to see what I am doing....lol. I guess with us not having sex that often does not help. Since we have been arguing a lot about the remodel of the kitchen and the nasty things he has said to me I do not feel like I did before. How can I? I do not feel that he respects me and my thoughts and ideas. And his love making seems to be all about making him happy. We do not have conversations like we use to, because he does not listen to me. We are not the freinfds that we were before the marriage and him taking over my home. It was mine before we married. Now he makes most of all the decsions,he wont let me do much. He is always telling me that I dont know what I am doing. OK this one was long enough. Thanks for the advise. I will take all of it and think of what to do or how to talk to him.

I'd kick him out. I was cheated on before (while in a very serious relationship) and while I'm 'over it', I still have scars. It takes a very long time to get over and I'm not sure I could ever really trust the man anymore. Part of not cheating is being self-aware. Many people have no self-awareness. Meaning, they don't watch what they say with other people and they don't watch what they give to other people. If you're married, you HAVE to work HARD at keeping the emotional energy IN THE MARRIAGE. None of this complaining about your spouse to some other woman - that's marriage suicide. It almost always leads to an affair because suddenly there's this understanding ear that lets you gripe and pretend all of the problems in the marriage are your spouse's fault (all marriages go through rough patches - that's why I HATE the 'the marriage/relationship was in trouble' excuse for another person to feel justified in interloping). Anyway - that's why it's so important to be self-aware. You have to register in your mind when you're feeling upset, vulnerable, whatever - so you don't put yourself in situations that may tempt you to cheat. One poster above mentioned being in situations where even the best men would be hard-pressed NOT to cheat - I say that if you're really one of the best men, you'll do everything possible to stay OUT of those situations. Anyone swimming in shark-infested waters is bound to get bitten. Cheating isn't a mistake - it's a choice - no matter how a person attempts to rationalize it. It was a choice to 'make friends' with another person who isn't your spouse and give them emotional energy - to gripe with them and take their sympathy. It's a choice to put yourself in close situations with that person. It's a choice to feed your 'crush' for that person. It's a choice to then cheat with that person. None of that 'it just happened' tripe... it only 'just happens' if you magically trip and fall on her and on the way down, your pants magically unzip and ... well, you know the rest, lol. Infidelity is a choice, period. To me, that's a dealbreaker. I'd make certain that any man I married knew it upfront. I've been through it once - no way I'd tolerate it again. He'd be outta there - just as I would expect to be if I cheated (which I can say with 100% certainty that I NEVER would).

We can theorize all we want but until we walk in those shoes, none of us can never actually know what it is we will do. We might think we will know and be quite sure in how we would react for the long term, but nobody ever really knows what it is they will do when a true crisis hits. I agree with the poster that states "never say never". I believe that marriage surviving something like this depends upon so many factors the woman faces - including the cheater completely understanding and *accepting* every angle of every single feeling of hurt, betrayal and broken trust he/she has visited upon the person he is supposed to love. That is a long process for both to deal with and the toughest part of the reconciliation. None of us ever knows the various angles of hurt our actions leave with another nor the depth of the hurt, we only see it from our own perspective. If we are the one who has done the hurting, that perception tends to be surface rather than deep because that is the way human beings tend to be. If we are the one who has been hurt, then the resulting hurt seems to be as obvious to us as the nose on our face. The inability of the person who has hurt us to grasp all the angles and depth of the hurt can be part of the damage that has been done. I figure that if, after everybody has tried their best and time has passed and work has been done, if the offended person finds that he/she feels that what has transpired is simply unforgivable (and sometimes it simply is) then it's time to leave the relationship with as much grace as possible, knowing that no stone was left unturned - that leaves the future free and clear of unresolved issues from the past coming in to mess up future relationships.

I think a new councellor is needed as this one seemed to side with your wife. A councellor should not side with anyone. I'm hesitant to say you should leave. I don't know if it is because I am siding with your wife (because I am female) or if it is because I can imagine the things she says are true. Yes, I suspect that many an affair could be like that between your wife and her ex-boss (the fact that it went on for so long). Yes, us women need (maybe not straight away but sooner or later) to feel beautiful and desirable. So, my thought is that perhaps a new councellor should be found and see how you both feel about that. And, yes, I think that your wife has to start seeing that she is 50% of the equation (not nil) but perhaps she feels guilty and this is her way of handling this guilt.