I like www.stepsforstepmothers.com -- that is oriented to stepmoms. Usually only active during the week.

I agree, I am sick of dealing with BMs. If they were such saints, the Xs wouldnt have left them.

Please people, don't leave! This is the only chance I have to interact with stepmothers. All the other boards I've found are for stepmoms only. In the case of vicious posters, it's time to take a stand. If you know which people are prone to attack, don't read their posts. Don't respond to anything they say. If we all do the same, maybe they'll get bored and leave.

Dana,

You don't have an email listed to email you about what websites to go to.

I try to ignore most of the negative comments as well. Yeah I have said a few negative things myself ...

Most of my comments are short and direct and I only post on what I can relate to like being a doormat. And as far as BM I don't care why she left its the best thing that ever happened to me. Had she not been such a screw up I would not have met my husband. Yeah his kids get on my nerves but all kids get on someone's nerves sooner or later. The good in my SC outweighs the bad by far. And I have learned from this board I can't change BM just how I deal with her. So I have done that. But then we go visit mutual friends and they tell me how Bm talks about me to them. Just burns my ass. But oh well. I'll let it go and never visit the mutual friends again.

I cannot stop being maternal ... I could not be that useless if I tried. I am not their mother(noun) but I will not stop mothering (verb). Don't care how many times I am told they are not my children. They are in my care the majority of the time ... and if mom and dad are fine with me being "their primary caregiver" then to heck with the ones who disagree.

Until another maternal figure emerges in their life they are stuck with me. :-)

I came over to this message board from stepsforstepmothers.com b/c I desire the input of adult stepchildren. The other board seems to have a lot of issues with young children, so it's a good place for those SMs living daily with custodial issues, weekend visits, court problems, etc. But there just wasn't much input for older SMs with adult SKs. This board is good for me in this area.

I personally hope you ladies will not leave - maybe just take a break for a bit. We all have our own experiences we're coming from but it's great having so many different views on stepparenting issues.

When you receive posts from those who seem "stuck in a rut", let them vent and go on to the posts who are being constructive in their advice to you. There are plenty of ladies here who desire to help others as well as learn how to deal with their own situations in a more conciliatory manner.

Maybe you will consider participating on both message boards - both of them can be blessings for you!

To all of you wonderful stepmoms, I totally agree with all of you, but please do not leave. I have learned so very much from all of you. Thank you! What I do is just ignore the negative, one sided, hurtful comments. I do not respond to them any longer and hopefully they just keep writing to themselves or leave the site. Don't let them chase you away. We need each other. KEEP POSTING. Bless you all.

How about we just stick to the subject of the original post and ignore the "broken record comments" that seem to derail so many of these threads? (Responding to them, even to refute them, just takes us all off track.)

There are a lot of different viewpoints on this forum, and for that reason, it's a valuable community.

Amen!

I'm open for suggestions: My email is vistajpdf@aol.com

I've been posting at http://forums.bellaonline.com/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=294

and http://www.steptalk.org/forum/146 which is dealing for venting stepparents and adult skids, though they may have other specifics available.

Both are very slow. I really am open to suggestions. Just never encountered such attitudes as here.

Dana

I think the problem with some people on these boards is that they're still fighting the same battles over and over again, with different people. They can't seem to remember that every situation is unique.
Anyone who wants to write to me personally can do so at lilysue38@yahoo.com.

Dana,

I do not believe I have "attacked" anyone on this board. It is obvious that you are devoted to your little boys, and you seem to realize that you would be much more tolerant of their behavior than you would of similar behavior by your stepchildren - for instance you mentioned not wanting them to move out when they grow up. (I know you didn't actually mean you want them to live at home forever and never get married/live on their own).

I think if your H did a larger share of the work involved in running a household the presence of your stepdaughter would have been less stressful for you.

Please go to the main page for the Garden Web
and click on Contact US.

There you will see a drop down menu with "Report Abuse".

Leave a message to indicate your belief regarding
abuse on this site, and the persons responsible.

They can remove these abusers from the site.

HELLO LADIES!!! I haven't posted on this board for a LONG time. I do read it, I just haven't responded. The last post I left was nasty. I had been responding and posting but not getting much feedback. I felt as if my "problems" weren't being heard, or nobody cared. I kept reading the forum because there were so many Stepmothers posting things that I could relate to and the advise that has been shared between all of you has helped me along the way. So first, let me apologize for my last nasty post. Then let me explain why it was nasty. I had been asking for advise about my SD and checking daily to read the words of wisdom from other Stepmothers. I got very few responses, most of them were helpful, but only one or two. One day I checked and it seemed that Hollywood/NASCAR was the topic at hand. I was so discouraged that I posted something that I would not normally post. For that I do apologize. I have been away for awhile, and come back to read that some/all are leaving? I have skimmed over some of the posts and get the jist that the opinions of some are abusive and that you are willing to give up you VOICE on this forum rather than get rid of the negative and keep posting for the good of all Stepmothers. I have to say I can already imagine the "abusive" ones.....let me think?.....The Other Side and maybe KKNY?..(maybe some new ones I haven't read?) Please Ladies, take a step back and see all the good that has come from this forum. Don't let a few bad apples spoil the whole barrel. Southernsummer has a great idea, report the abusive ones and lets band together and get rid of them. I know I haven't interacted much in a long time, but to read about the problems and the advise that all of you have shared has helped me through the "Summer of Hell". Let me know if I am forgiven for my sharp tongue and if you are ready to take a stand for Stepmothers. Please respond and keep in mind that I have not read the forum in quite awhile. I just skimmed and panicked that some of you are ready to leave. Please respond as soon as you can. jenkin

TOS: Actually, my whole point about my SD moving in was that I now had 3 little boys. I assume, unless we all see three wise men, lol, that when they return from school, there will be an empty nest here that I'd be all too willing to share - but maybe I'll be enjoying the silence by then, who knows? My other issues w/ SD were that I wasn't treated well and was never given any validation for my efforts or for her 'having it wrong' by believing BMs lies...that I'd be able to yell at my own sons to clean up, finish their laundry, etc. And, that her presence was disruptive to my young ones just by being there - I know you never understood that, but Cawfe summed it up perfectly at one point. I guess you just can't relate as all of your kids are your biokids.

That being said, there have been plenty of times when I felt as though you and KK have been truly harsh on SMs - regardless of what types of SMs they are. In fact, at one point, I asked you to stop posting to me on one thread unless you could offer support or coping mechanisms - but you kept on going, citing that it was in response to another poster on the same thread. I think it's those types of tangents that stir up trouble.

To be honest, the more I've learned about you and KK, the worse I feel for you both. You were dealt a really lousy hand. You sacrificed your career for the family, only to have the H turn out to be a louse. So, you are forced to enter the workforce later in life, starting well below where you'd have been had your family not had you as a SAHM. For KK, she had to work, and work hard, and now has issues w/ that - having her DD angered at times for mom being at work. Fast forward to her H leaving for a deadbeat gf who stays home w/ no kids to raise, living off of him. No, it's not fair.

But, as I said in the July post, we should be here to support one another. I really and truly think that you two do have so many issues and the bitterness comes across loud and clear. It's completely justified - I'm sure I'd be bitter, too. I'd want to let go of it, but it would be darned hard to do so. Yet, we SMs aren't the women that your husbands left for - we are just trying to do our best, making mistakes along the way, of course. We are human.

But, in light of the sentiments of so many SMs here, I think it's high time we try to support one another. There are great SMs here. In fact, I'm probably one of the LEAST likable ones. There are great skids here, and women who have and still are on both sides of this trio of fences - a SC herself, a SM and a BM. We do need all input, but, really, when a support board becomes more stressful than the issue itself, there's something wrong.

I once had an office manager who had issues w/ everyone - patients, coworkers, etc. I mean, the whole world can't be crazy if everyone is having a hard time w/ one or two individuals. I think some people naturally play Devil's Advocate, but you have to remember that to post that first post, it takes guts. One is admitting to feeling a way in which she does not want to feel - and does not want the real world to realize. We come here looking for words of wisdom, ways to cope, just to vent or whatever. But, we come here because we need help. Again, I ask for support for those who need it.

Jenkin: I only joined in April. The other boards I posted on were very, very slow. I understand the way you felt - I felt that way about the other boards. I'd see on one where my post was looked at dozens of times, but not one response. I don't get it - am I unimportant to them? Not even a simple, "hang in there..." that would take a second to write! So, I'm hoping you're here again to stay - would like to get to know you.

Dana

Hi, Jenkin

I am the one who posted about Nascar.

The post was not about Nascar. It was about the conflict
between Darryl Earnhardt, Jr. and his stepmother that caused their multimillion dollar business to split and seemingly destroyed their business and family.

I thought it was relevant. You passionately thought it was not.

You thought your needs were a priority.

I thought the stepfamily issues in the news were relevant.

It's easy to be nasty when you don't have to look someone in the eye.

I have never made any comment about current events again,
because I was left with the assumption that you don't
keep up with current affairs. You didn't seem to realize the connection and you really came at me.

I hope you solved your problem, and that the people who did respond to you were helpful.

But we have an ongoing dialogue that doesn't necessarily come to a screeching halt when someone posts.

I wish you well, and I hope you find peace in your life.

Yep, SS, I was right there with ya with the NASCAR reference as well.

Regarding this board, I've come to the conclusion that you can please any of the people any of the time, so....:/

It was my post about disengaging... :-)

Here we go off topic again ....

Could the family dynamics ... bruce willis and demi moore with ashton kutchner work if it were two women one man and 3 kids? Everyone hanging out going on vacations together?

Not sure I would want her hanging around.

Dana,

I have actually had relatives live with us for months at a time. Although once in awhile stressful, one of them was overall an enjoyable experience. I can't truthfully say that I enjoyed the extended visit of the one who used drugs, stole from us, and destroyed our property though.

Perhaps I have been harsh, but often I have felt that no one is standing up for the stepchildren, no one cares that they had no say in the destruction of their family, and that many stepmothers feel as if the children should be fine with everything.

I have been (not by you, Dana) called names here on more than one occasion. I have read numerous posts where stepmothers said they hated and resented their stepchildren, even little innocent toddlers. One poster has repeatedly stated that if your H leaves for another woman, it is your own fault - a statement that insults a lot of people here. Biological mothers have been blamed for everything from teenage hormones to inherited dental problems. I have been told on many occasions that I should not post opinions that differ from the original poster's. Kkny and I have both been told on numerous occasions that fathers bear no responsibility to their children after they turn 18, a statement that I find morally reprehensible as well as inaccurate in many states, including my own. Numerous posters have stated that the father's responsibility to even minor biological children is secondary to his responsibility to them.

Just as I can not identify with a stepmother because I have no stepchildren, you can not identify with a biological mother who has to send her young children away to the house of a stranger, a stranger who participated in destroying the family, who you know is a terrible role model and who quite possibly hates her children. I hope for your and especially your little boys' sakes that you never have to go through that.

TOS,
"Just as I can not identify with a stepmother because I have no stepchildren, you can not identify with a biological mother who has to send her young children away to the house of a stranger, a stranger who participated in destroying the family, who you know is a terrible role model..."

That's great that you know everything about us. You are the only one who has experienced that, so it's important that you herald the cause for step-kids....

Yes, I can relate to that, because I have done it.
I can relate to a lot more than that...things that you have never experienced.

You are forgetting that most of us have been in your shoes.
It's just that we don't feel a need to transfer our anger
to women on this board, from where it belongs. And many of us have dealt with it and moved on.

Also, realize that since you have never been in our shoes, it's difficult to take your advice seriously most of the time.

I am sorry you misunderstood. I was addressing my post to Dana, not to stepmothers in general.

Although I have never been a stepmother, my children have certainly been in the shoes of the stepchildren discussed in many posts here.

I think many of us have learned from many of you. Your voice educates, and it brings comfort to those who are walking in your shoes and feel so alone, and find no where to turn. Many do not want to share their problems and pain with friends in our life (or family), but still need to be heard, and bounce thoughts off one another.

Imagine yourself sitting in a room with several others (like a college dorm) and being able to simply talk. You will get varying opinions, perhaps most would support you and speak words of encouragement, and comfort. But there also would be at least one of two that would see it differently, and if they are courageous, they would speak the truth as they see it. And you would ponder it, and either consider their opinion, or dismiss their opinion. Often in real life, people do not want to upset us, or do not want us mad at them, so they simply agree with us, or tell us what we want to hear. They may later call another friend and tell them what they "really" thought, but never to our face. But isn't it better to hear the thoughts of others, and to actually consider whether there is any truth in their words, that may help us to grow and evolve, even if the words sometimes hurt? As opposed to everyone simply telling us what we want to hear, even if it is false? I understand that often, we simply need support, and kindness, because times are rough enough. And there have been times where I have been attacked on-line, and it really hurt, and I wanted to simply quit. And yet, it was the painful words, that seeped in, and made me look inward, and ponder what they had said. Was there something to be learned by listening to what they had to say? Were they just being cruel, or was there truth that was hard to hear, but that I needed to hear, that kind people would never have the courage to actually say to me?

I also considered whether they were simply flat out wrong, not seeing or understanding all the nuances that go on between people, that simply cannot be conveyed in a short post? Nuances such as facial expressions, body language, slights that hurt, etc. that build up over time and create pain in relationships, that others may be unaware of, and even spouses may not notice.

But do not run because of a few posters who say things that anger you or hurt. Remember that there are many more who find comfort and encouragement in your words, reminding them that they are not the only ones going through this. You have the ability to use your voice to encourage, (or ask for encouragement, on a bad day). You have the ability to teach, to ask for feedback from others when something happens, or ask for support when the going gets tough.

I am not really sure if we want to make this forum a place where we only want people to tell us what we want to hear. Too many people in real life do that. I would think that it should be a forum where we learn from the various experiences shared, and why they believe as they do, and perhaps it will help all of us to be less judgmental in the long run, and become more compassionate human beings. You will still find a lot of support on this forum, so please don't run because of 1 or 2 posters. If someone regularly offends you, skip over their posts if you don't want to hear what they have to say. Or find the courage to read it, and ponder their words and ask yourself if there is something you can learn through the adversity of someone saying things you don't want to hear. You may ponder their words, and come to the conclusion that they are flat out wrong, and toss their opinion aside. Or you may learn something you really needed to learn. And we all grow.

Very true, bnicebkind. I have felt the same way. My only real concern is that some new posters get a jolt of lightning and, ashamed at the outlash, never return to get the feedback or support they were seeking. This nearly happened to me on my first post, and the response wasn't all that harsh, but I was highly emotional and it brought me to tears. I nearly retreated and deleted this site from my favorites, but instead I charged back w/ defense - trying to paint a picture that justified my feelings on the subject. In the end, all that did was drum up old, deep-seated resentments about my past w/ my steps and their mother, leaving me feeling worse than ever.

I have read a few posts in which I thought the poster might be in the wrong, but before jumping all over them, I ask more questions before formulating an opinion and blasting them in black and white. I also use words that don't sound so attacking, phrasing it in the form of a little food for thought, ie: "Is it possible your stepchild felt a little ______ so he/she acted defensely by ______?"

I recall the post about an adult sc wanting a large second wedding celebration and I think sweeby wrote something like: These are not necessarily my opinions, but your sm might be thinking.....'after all she's put me through/cost me, now she wants to be the princess for the day and have a huge party at my expense for a second wedding....' It was tactfully written - I'm sure I didn't do it justice, but she wrote the first things that came to my mind, too - though I probably wouldn't have had the guts, even in the cyber world, to say it.

You are right about not just hearing what we want to hear in ALL circumstances. And, in real life, we often don't have the guts to take the Devil's Advocate stand, so I do think it's great to get ALL feedback: neg, pos, neutral, or just to hear, "I understand..." every now and then. But, some posts seem written in order to hurt others. When the OP explains, they don't retreat at all, just forge ahead w/ more hurtful things - there's no backing down or any hint of validation for the poster's feelings. Those are not needed. Maybe if everyone reread what they wrote and imagined how it would sound to a new member, then adjusted it w/ a few kinder words, it would help.

That office manager I had that had everyone complain about what she did defended herself w/, "No one likes being asked for money! That's why they don't like me!" Well, I talked w/ enough people I have treated for years about this rationale. No one really goes into a dental office and thinks he's never going to have to pay one cent up front. The same sentiments were echoed by patient after patient, "It's not the asking for money, it's the way she asked for money that was offensive..." I think here, we can say what we want to say, but in a nicer way. That's all. We are often fragile, so a little tact would go a long way.

Dana

My first post was about my SD getting her nose pierced against my DH's wishes. Even after my DH expressed his feelings, her BM let her do it anyway and we were both very angry about it. I asked what others would do, and several posters told me they really didn't think it was a big deal...maybe not a battle we wanted to fight. That wasn't necessarily what I wanted to hear...but I thought about it. I think the reason I was in the frame of mind to digest what the posters said and think about it is because people posted their thoughts in a tactful way that did not make me feel attacked. That is an important lesson. If you phrase things in a tactful way, people will be willing to listen to your side, but if your comments are offensive or snarky, you have just lost your opportunity to have your opinions heard and make some impact. Again, I have NO PROBLEM with anyone saying they see things in a different way. That helps me see beyond the situation I am in. I just have a problem with the attacking of SM's in general, and the notion that we are all child hating gold diggers.

So true, lafevem. You summed it all up nicely.

Dana

Hi TOS -
I'd like to go back to your reply to Dana. You stated that you send your young children into a SM's house who destroyed your family. My heart truly goes out to you because you are really living in a tough situation.

My X left me for a much younger woman with no children of her own. This happened in my late 40's and I had been a SAHM with no college degree to fall back on. If I had had to send my young children into their home, I could see myself being extremely bitter about it. It could easily become a battleground for me as I could envision myself hating that my children might establish any good feelings towards this woman and I could also see myself not giving the woman a chance to show any signs of good actions towards my children. In other words, I could see myself as a mother bear protecting (in my own mind at least) my cubs from danger.

Having admitted this, however, I believe there might possibly come a time when I might realize that this battle between how I felt about this woman could actually hurt the very children I'm trying so hard to protect.

It has to be an extremely bad place for children to find themselves - torn between two parents whom they love - both of whom love them in their own individual ways and possibly through different parenting styles.

I think it's wonderful that you have so much love for all children of divorce. You are right - they did not ask to be put into this situation - they are at the mercy of the adults now divided into separate worlds and possibly living with new people. Children, however, have an uncanny ability to adapt into the households where they find themselves living, whether full-time or part-time. Sometimes they don't need as much protection from us as we think they do - especially if our protection includes leading them (consciously or unconsciously) to feel negativity about their BF and/or new SM/GF. Kids are very smart and they tend to figure out for themselves over time whether a person is trustworthy or not. On the other hand, children can also be manipulators who exaggerate the truth in order to play victim with a BM or SF - whichever the case may be. With young children, I found it best to communicate with the BP directly so as not to allow the child/ren to manipulate a given situation.

Barring the fact that there are some SMs who totally hate their SKs (which I believe is the minority), I believe it is up to us, as the mothers to these children, to help the children the best we can to assimilate to the new reality that one or both parents have remarried.

One of the ways in which we can do this might possibly be to lay down our arsenals of negativity towards the other camp in order to help cultivate cooperation between the households. We can begin to realize that most people, even a woman whom we see as having broken our marriage, isn't a completely bad person - she has some good qualities too. Maybe we can't see them right away or don't even want to see them, but they must be there somewhere.

It takes a very mature person to set aside their own feelings of misgivings and unforgiveness to be the first to lay down the arms and I also know it may take years for both adult camps to come to civility - but it can be worth it for the peace and invaluable life lessons our children will gain from our attitudes and behavior.

I totally understand that you may not be at this place of laying down your arsenal yet. But I truly hope you will think about it. Your childrens' emotional well-being and relationship with their BF as they grow older may depend on it. It is not my belief that you truly want them to be estranged from their BF in the long-run. We all know that this would not be beneficial to anyone's children.

We BMs are tremendously persuasive in helping our children learn to cope with disappointments, resentments, anger, and all of the other negative emotions that will constantly bombard them as they mature into adults.

Life is definitely not easy and the sooner we learn to cope with the our own negatives and deal with them in a conciliatory manner, the happier we can be. I pray that all of us here on the message board can learn from one another and continue to grow into the kindest & most loving people possible.

Hang in there, TOS, I am here to support you whenever I can. Blessings!

Notwicked....I totally get what you are saying. When my ex cheated on me, I thought what kind of person does that and what kind of woman must his new wife be? Well, then my best friend since I was 12 years old started having an affair with a married man and left her husband as well. They got married about 5 years ago, and even though I begged her not to leave her husband, I couldn't give up our friendship. We had been through too much together and even though I strongly disagreed with her choices, I still loved her. She has paid the price for this relationship. They have never really been able to trust one another (the if they did it to you, they will do it with you adage)and now she is pregnant and he has left. She is paying the consequences for her choices, but I love her nonetheless. So, although these OW made a bad choice, doesn't mean they are all bad.

Yes, you are right - consequences will always follow bad choices. Sometimes it's best to stay out of the way and let life bring the consequences. We are here to support one another the best we can and we usually learn our lessons through grace, not judgment :)
Funny how that works.

Some of our kids were adults or nearly so when their father left. They want nothing to do with him. They have said repeatedly that infidelity is unforgivable. It is getting fairly close to a decade, so I don't think they are going to change their minds.

My exH's current wife has dug her own grave with most of the younger kids. She treats one of them well, and the others horribly, which, needless to say, creates a lot of resentment among the others. I am pleasantly amazed that the children all still get along with each other quite well in spite of that.

This has nothing to do with their ages at the time of divorce or anything else obvious. One of the kids couldn't even talk yet, and the OW made it obvious that she couldn't stand her.

The younger children are not estranged from their father, except through his own choice not to allow them to visit. When they were a little younger, after visitation ceased, they begged their father to allow them to visit, to no avail. Even he blames it on his current wife.

As far as I can tell there is no good in her to see - unless you count the fact that her grammar is impeccable. It would be bad enough if it were just myself that she hurt, but she continues to hurt my children, though less directly now that she sees them only about once a year.

And, btw, I am not allowed to communicate with my children's father other than very briefly. All email communication has to pass through her; if he calls me she stands next to him and tells him what to say.

Hi TOS -
From what you have just written, your children have had a horrible experience with this woman. Sometimes people have character defects (personality disorders) which do not allow them to have empathy, compassion, etc. for others. This woman may be saddled with one of those, who's to say? I'm not excusing her behavior.

My heart goes out to the children. If you can continue to find good qualities in your X, possibly your children will hang on to that and later in their lives they will be able to have more contact with him. I obviously do not know what type of person your X is and maybe he's just a louse but if there is anything redeemable in him, think on that.

Who knows what life will bring? The SM may not remain married to your X. Their home does not sound like a happy place to be.

As for your children, time works out to be a benefit rather than a loss many times. Hang in there!
Blessings!

My exH used to be a devoted father, whose family was more important than anything else to him. It was like a switch was turned off as soon as he moved in with his now wife.

I wish I knew if there was something redeemable in him, or if his core being is dead.

Sounds like he sold his soul, TOS. Not much you can do about that. Again, reminds me of my friend here locally. Same scenario....just a darned shame. He left filet mignon and two beautiful side dishes for a cheap hamburger...

D

I like your metaphor, Dana.