Angelz - "Disengaging" is a lot like "closure" ... one of those words that's easy to say but hard to do.

I find I have to disengage over and over again. It's not just a one-time thing. My stepmother hates me. My dad, for the most part, goes along with her agenda. He reaches out to me behind her back, but infrequently. I'm fine with that for a while and then the emotions get the better of me and I'm a mess for a while. To me, disengaging means not allowing negative emotions to suck you in and run your life.

The best advice I was ever given was, "You have no control over what other people say and do. The only thing you can control is your reaction to them."

Please keep in mind too that, in the late stages of pregnancy, emotions run high and energy is low. That doesn't help your state of mind.

I do think one thing you need to resolve in your mind is your jealousy and competition issues. As long as you see yourself in competition with your husband's ex-wife, jealousy will control you. Remember, he divorced her. He chose you. There is no competition.

The same goes for his interaction with other children. Your viewing his interaction with his kids as being a competition as to who comes first is a surefire way to set up conflict. He loves you. He loves his children. Don't make him self-conscious by insisting that he put one child No. 1, No. 2 or No. 3. They're all equal.

Hi, there

The art of disengaging involves avoiding doing things for step-children that they don't appreciate. No hard feelings, pleasant, but if they ask more of you than you are willing to give, then the answer is "go ask your father". It has nothing to do with treating all the kids equally. Quite frankly, your husband will probably always somewhat favor his own kids. Don't fault him, unless it's just over the top. Disengaging is your way of avoiding feeling taken advantage of. Constantly being used, makes a person seeth with resentment. When you don't give more than you are willing to give, then you don't resent the recipient.

For example, my stepkids never wanted to talk to me on the phone, unless they needed a prescription called in.
I started to resent it. Finally, I started saying that
medicine was way to complicated to practice over the phone, and they really needed to see their doctor.

I felt better, it was actually safer for them, and I started getting more respect.

Angel,

I am confused. Are you bothered by your DH being with X? I think that would bother anyone but a saint.

But as to DH "favoring" one child, I ask you to consider that he has to focus all of his attention for that one child in 4 hours EOW. And as to not being able to handle more than one child in a pool, if he cant, then you have to talk to him and explain that he can not be in taht position of watching more than one child in a pool, and has to help re-arrange your schedule.

You are right. I have always on some level felt like I have had to compete with his ex. I always feel like I have nothing to give that she hasn't already given him, and have brought this to his attention. The idea that they were together for 4 or so years and have a child together makes me wonder if spending all of this time together couldn't bring up old feelings. My past has burned me of ex's, I have had 2 serious long term relationships end because he went back to his ex. I don't think my DH would ever do that to me, but the thought it always there. I guess more so since he does spend this time together.

As for the children, I agree they are ALL equal. But his time doesn't justify that equation, he doesn't know how to interact well with multiple children. I have seen this with my little SIL's, and it worries me when all of our combined children will get together. I grew up in a house where the EOW child was always favored more then anyone else, even my mother. And I know how much that hurts, I am just trying to get him to understand that (even though he doesn't see it) it will become damaging at some point. AND IT DOES, I still find myself hurt by my growing up. Though it taught me a lot about life, that is one thing I don't want my soon to be 2 children to have to experience.

I did however call upon my grandmother yesterday, probably one of the smartest women I will have ever known. I spoke with her for an hour about some of the things I was going through. She agreed that some of my "issues" are valid points but that I needed to keep in mind that I am pregnant and once I have the baby and my emotions calm down that I should reevaluate some of what I feel now. She said that chances are that some of the BIG things wont seem so important and those little things wont bother me at all. It's funny how people my age tend to take the Young at Heart for granted, I thank god everyday that I have her wisdom to fall upon.

Thank you! Thank you so much for that. I took your advice on this issues yesterday afternoon. I called my mother to see how she was doing, and to tell her what the exact time my sons flight is next month, she started off about how she quit her job this and that. I am always the "strong" one, and she always uses me for strength and calls me when she needs to talk, but when I call her to talk she seems to railroad over my feelings onto her own issues of the day.

I stopped her, and told her that I was sorry about what was going on but I had my own problems going on that I really did have it in me to worry about that stuff to. She stopped and couldn't believe that I had actually but my own problems before hers. So thank you for so much needed strength Southern!

Yes, it bothers me a lot that he does. I did bring that up to him yesterday. As when I went to pick up him he was all lovely dovey with me, and I came out and said it. I did so with grace if I do say so myself. And after he joked about how he thought I was being silly, I brought up that if the rolls were reversed that I don't think he would be laughing. He agreed, that he would try to be more understanding of the fact that he does spend this time around her.

I am glad he spends EOW with her, as I am the one who got him to this point it's not about her. It is about him learning to delegate his time around multiple children. Pool, home, anywhere; as to it does emotionally scare children to see one child being favored. I did however tell him that if he couldn't learn to keep an eye on all the children in the pool that I would sit out side like a mother hen to do so. And I thought as an adult I wouldn't need to be that way, he agreed with me. He just needs to learn, and I am glad that he wants to learn. It shows growth, where a year ago there was none.

Thank you for understanding, about the ex thing!

I think possibley a way to go is to tell each child privately (alright, the ones old enough to listen), that each gets different times with dad. Otherwise the EOW one can come out on the short end. This also can give you time alone with others.

Pool makes me nervous, that is fine. He may never be able to watch all kids at one time, just make certain every child gets his time, and it will be OK.

Even in bio families, favortism happens. Try to deal with this, and make certain every child has lvoe.

Well, his daughter is 4, my son is 3, and well the one one the way is well...on the way. So they aren't old enough to quiet understand that time with daddy is necessary with each of the children. Though I am already working on that one with my son, he knows that EOW he goes to see his daughter to spend time with her like daddy spends with him. He understands but doesn't, he does as much as a 3 year old can. But I have started working with him on this so it wont be so difficult when she comes here on the weekends.

The sister in law's are 13 and 1, the 13 year old is lol a typical 13 year old. And right now it's all about me!!! I have had to tell her a few times that if she couldn't be more understanding that there are toddlers in the pool then she would get out and possibly go home. She listens to me and respects me, so it's good. She knows I let her slide where her mom and dad don't but also put her in her place when she is out of line, and she loves me for it.

Well, I was taught to swim by 1 so the pool is natural. And the girls have been raised around the pool even though the 1 year old doesn't know how to swim. But when they are all in the pool, I am usually in the kitchen keeping an eye out.

As I have only had interactions with step families I have no idea what a bio family is like. But I would be blind and dumb to think that it didn't go on there to. I don't want one child to feel left out, that's why I am working so hard with him. Sometimes I think I nag, but that's because repeating the same thing over and over again gets old. But he understands where I am coming from and why I do it. I refuse to have ANY child bio or step or even extended family feel left out while in my care.

I think there is a difference between a child feeling left out and everyone doing the same thing togethor. Example -- older children -- in pool while mom on deck; younger children -- only when mom has time to get in pool with them. I am sorry you felt left out growing up, perhaps you can talk to dad about spending special time with SD somewhere out of house, like park, for special time. Not to be secretive, jsut to not rub noses in it. Like he should bring a picnic lunch when he picks her up, and they can stop on the way home. I think there should be a balance between joint activities and daddy SD time.

Well, as of right now he only spends 4 hours EOW on Saturday and Sunday with his daughter at the park. But that will end at the end of September then him and his ex go back to mediation for her to start coming here every other weekend. It was supervised for 2 months so his daughter to develop a relationship with his daughter, and part so his ex could see that he was a capable father. And due to him not having a license right now I just drive him and pick him up so he has that alone time.

I agree I believe that parents should have alone time with there children, one on one time especially. It shows each individual child they they are important to each parent. Even when SD comes to stay EOW I plan on giving them there own time, whether that means going to my mom and dad's house and letting them spend time with my son or going shopping or whatever it might be. I don't them to feel that they are entitled to there alone time at our house. She has just as much right to alone time with her dad here as my son does.

I tried packing lunch for her and him for the park on the weekends, but she is very very picky. If it doesn't involve junk food she doesn't eat it. So the lunch came home, half eaten. My husband ate what I packed for him but SD didn't want it. Her mom bought her ice cream instead. I said ok, that's fine I wont pack lunch for them it's not a big deal. His ex was rather shocked that I had taken the time to do it, and was thankful and my DH said she was even sorry that SD didn't eat it.