Adult Children of Alcoholics

southernsummer

I have a friend who is active in the organization Adult Children of Alcoholics. He urged me to read some literature about the phenomenon, since my husband's ex is an alcoholic. I have been struggling for fifteen years with the terrible nasty manipulative behavior of my husband's two children, who are now 29 and 32. Both have had significant issues with alcohol, and perhaps they are functioning alcoholics themselves.

Does anyone have similar issues?

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Mom-of-all-trades

Has your husband suggested treatment for them? Are they looking for him to be an enabler?

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southernsummer

Mom,

My stepson went to alcohol rehab after a DUI ten years ago.
My husband's ex wife is in AA. Her father was in rehab many many times.
They all binge drink.

Definitely, my husband is the enabler, although he is considerably better at resisting that role currently.

It is interesting how alcoholics find enablers to manipulate.

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Mom-of-all-trades

I am guessing your research is because you are at wits end. You and your maybe should attend counseling together for this issue. It could help you cope with this.

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southernsummer

Mom, I am bringing this up because I just learned about this organization. My stepkids have been heavy drinkers since high school, and they have always been manipulative, just like their mother. My husband has always been an easily-manipulated people-pleaser doormat to his kids and ex wife. But I never understood why he was so vulnerable to them until now. It's just an epiphany.

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wrychoice1

Summer, I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I actually think this dynamic explains why it took me so long to disengage from my DH's children. I kept thinking "if I just do this, if I just do that" I could get them to accept me. Those efforts were no more successful with them than it was trying to influence my parent not to drink when I was young. I can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could and more to facilitate a reconciliation with them.

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southernsummer

Wry, I know exactly what you mean, because I did the same thing, and my husband did the same thing. First with our alcoholic spouses and then with his children. My first husband was an alcoholic, and I was the one who worked so hard to make him happy, but you know that story ... It was never right, and I was so manipulated into spending all my energy trying to make him happy, which he never was, and I kept trying. And then he died.

I believe that alcoholics sometimes hit rock bottom, but I know for certain that enablers hit rock bottom as well, like I did the day of my step daughter's wedding in May. I'm just not going to be that pathetic person, used and heart broken... No more.

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