I have posted about 17 yo SS who has been in residential treatment for the past 5 months for substance abuse and self-injury issues. He has repeatedly said over the last couple months that he wants to come home to our home, not to his BioMom's, as she has moved back to DC. We were all looking forward to it, and feeling very optimistic about his progress.
Last week in the conference call with SS's therapist, she told dad and BioMom that son was anxious about returning home because of his relationship with StepMom. Fair, as I also have been feeling anxious. Although our relationship had been really great when he was younger, it totally deteriorated when he came to live with us when he was 14. I was the parent in charge, as BioMom lived in Washington DC and dad commuted to work in NYC. I got to deal with the broken curfews, coming home drunk, and general rude and discourteous behavior. Of course, coming from BioMom's house, where marijuana smoking and underage drinking were permitted, probably did not help son to adapt to our house rules. His BioMom moved back after his DUI at age 16, and then things got so bad, he ended up going to live with her, after saying, "I don't like StepMom, I don't want to live here because of StepMom, dad has to choose between me and StepMom." It was really unpleasant.
Anyway, the therapist suggested I write son a letter expressing some of my concerns and feelings, which I did. I did take responsibility for my impatience with him and some of his behavior, and I did admit that I was not at my best when the boys came to live with us and brought their drug and drinking habits into our home.
So, I was included in the conference call today. It looks like son will be released the last week of August. Good, he'll be home in time to start his senior year in high school. The therapist said when she mentioned to son that she had letters from mom, dad and stepmom, he said, "Oh no, not stepmom. Just hearing her name makes me upset." This really came as a shock to me. Therapist pressed him for more information - why does just hearing SM's name cause such a visceral reaction? He said stepmom is just not nice, she is too sarcastic and makes jokes that are not funny. Yes, I can be sarcastic. I admit that is my way of dealing with anger or disappointment. It doesn't come out that often, but when it does, it can be cutting. I can't think of specific examples, but a general example in regard to son would be comments about his DUI, or friends of his that get arrested and appear in the police blotter of the local paper. Yes, I know there are more positive ways to communicate, but I don't yell at or beat my kids, so I don't think I am that horrendous. Also, I have maintained close friendships from almost every period of my life. I still get together with friends from junior high. And I have several close relationships with moms of my children, so I don't think I have a personality defect, while BioMom once said to me that I was her only friend, she doesn't have any friends. I asked DH about this, and he said she burns through her friendships.
Okay, so after that, therapist said son has said dad can be emotionally unavailable, and mom is so nurturing. Yes, she nutured him right into a drug addiction. Keep in mind that son had just had to write an accountability letter to his parents about his substance abuse, and in this letter he talked about getting wasted EVERY DAY while living with mom, drinking and smoking weed in the basement with older brother and his friends EVERY DAY. Where the heck was mom? And he also mentioned how, most recently, he would have parties when she went out of town. I know I have mentioned several times here my dismay at her going out of town for the weekend, leaving substance abusing high schooler home alone, with a fresh cutting incident and recent Zoloft prescription. He had a party, went on a coke binge, cut himself, and ended up institutionalized. How the heck is that nurturing? And it's doubly annoying because I know how dad cleans up after mom, picking up the pieces so the boys don't realize what a crap job she does.
The therapist did say she would try to get to the bottom of son's issue with my personality, she thinks he may be using that as an excuse to mask some other issues. I did ask her if he has any realization about how his behavior may have contributed to my sarcastic personality. She said they're working on that.
I now get to write a letter to son for next week's session, and I am at a loss. I don't know what to say, or how to address this. I'm so tempted to say, "Knock it off. I won't put up with this nonsense. If you have such a bad reaction hearing my name, how do you expect to come back here to live? Why would you even want to?" Does anyone think that would be constructive or helpful? I was so looking forward to him coming back and getting his life back on track, and now I'm not sure how I feel. I know I don't want to go back to the way things were before. I dreaded having to deal with son, knowing he would break some house rule and be a jerk about it. I just don't have the patience to go through that again.
Oh, I almost forgot. After our call ended, BioMom called me to "apologize for the therapist." I said, "what do you mean?" She said she thought the therapist was tactless. I said, "I think she was just doing her job, and I certainly don't take it personally." Why would BioMom do that? I really don't think she's that concerned with my well-being. Also, she doesn't really want son going to live with her in DC (despite the CS she would receive). I told her after paying over $70,000 for treatment, there's no money in the budget for son to go away his first two years of college. That is the cost to him of his addiction. We will pay for community college, whether it's here or in DC. I think she realized she didn't want the responsibility of son without the CS. I know that's nasty, but I think it's really unforunately the truth.
mlly
finedreams
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