I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. it seems like anymore on this forum everyone is bashing the biological mother and not the stepmother...who knows. If I can't offer much advice at least I can commiserate with you. I went through a similar situation myself with my former stepmother a few years ago. I found out through a high school classmate that SM was cheating on my dad! Of course when they first got married everything was fine, but once they had their own children she started treating me like an endentured servant. She filled my head with all kinds of notions about people and things that were untrue. It's amazing I turned out the way I did because had I lived with them she would have influenced me to be a lot worse.

If anything, maybe you can start by trying to contact your dad and set up a meeting, just the two of you. Or you could approach them both and confront her on what you've heard from other family members about her badmouthing you. This might not be the best approach, but I can imagine how angry and hurt you are, especially in the wake of your mother's death. Maybe by confronting them both about her behavior will embarass her enough in front of your dad to change her actions. You never know.

Your situation reminds me of my older sisters and how they dealt with a stepmother after their mother's death. Of course the only daughter who didn't resemble her mother was treated like a princess, while the other two girls, who looked like their mother, were treated like crap. It's amazing how people can use children as human pawns in situations like these only to make themselves feel better about their own insecurities.

I wish you luck and keep us posted on what you decide to do.

I can't offer much advice, but you're not alone. My mother is alive, but has a lot of problems and basically walked out on the family a few years ago. As in your situation, my siblings and I felt that having a step-parent was a positive situation. We wanted my dad to be happy so we were happy for him when he remarried 4 years ago. Like you, weÂve found that we arenÂt really welcome in our step-motherÂs life.

You said that your dad has only been married for 8 months. You may need to give your dad a little time to reach his bearings. That first year of marriage is a hard transition. ThatÂs when two people really get to know each otherÂs habits and it can be hard even without step-relatives involved. That transition is hard on you too. At least one person moved either your dad, step-mother, or both. The old home isnÂt the same any more. My step-mother moved her things to my dadÂs house and she remodeled almost the thing including the light fixtures. There is almost nothing in the the house that belonged to my family before her. She even bought my dad new clothes and changed the style and colors to hers. I think that was shocking to us kids.

You may want to let things with your dad cool off for a couple of months. I don't know how close you were before his marriage, but if you had a good relationship before, heÂll probably come to you when things in his life slow down a little bit. If not, then you could pop in one day and see him. Tell him youÂve missed him and ask why he hasnÂt called. If he asks why you didnÂt call, ask why he never previously returned your calls. DonÂt complain to your dad about your stepmother. That will only cause him to choose sides.

I'd encourage you to keep in close contact with your siblings. They are who you have when you donÂt have your parents.

A couple of nifty little tricks IÂve found to diffuse hard feelings (even with your step-mother) is to send a thank you card (even if you donÂt feel like it) for the one thing nice she did for you (even if she did a lot of other not so nice things). ItÂs harder for her to complain about you without looking bad. IÂve also shown up at someones house unannounced and brought a small gift (Wal-Mart sells a bouquet of flowers for less than $5.00) It takes the other person off guard and again, youÂve done something nice so they canÂt say anything bad. You have a pleasant visit and they forget whatever the problem was. Basically, just kill her with kindness. Like us, you still may not be able to change your step-motherÂs attitude, but she will come off looking like a real a$$ when she complains about you. Hopefully, your dad will start getting the picture.

Good luck. I know it isnÂt easy.

Had a very similar situation. I was already marrie when Dad married her, but I had younger sisters and brothers that were still little. Dad would visit them for an hour every couple of weeks and act like he was a hunted animal. He had a high paying job, but didn't ever have enough $$ on him to take the kids to McDonalds. They just all sat in his car for the hour. I saw him about 6 times in 25 years. If we called, she would hang up on us and call us nasty names. When she died 4 years ago - it was really hard not to burst out singing "Ding Dong the witch is dead" at the funeral. My Mom and Dad have since reunited and it is wonderful to have a chance to get to know my dad as an adult. It has been a wonderful 4 years with much healing and growing. Hang in there. Be the best person you can be. You cannot change another person and your father is at fault as well because he allows it, but the only one that you can control is yourself. Live well, be happy and maybe someday her cold heart will melt (or as in my case - stop). Do I sound mean? Sorry but that woman caused more heartache for my family than everyone else in my life put together.

I had the same problem with my Father. I know this is going to sound sooo fake, but believe me it works!! Every time I call to talk to my dad I don't ask for him...I talk to my step mom. Tell her anything and everything until she is so bored she hands the phone to my dad. I talk about the girls at work..recipes...things I saw at the mall. I also tell her how great it is to talk to her. IT WORKS!!! I am not above eating crow to talk to my dad. I used to complain and tell my dad how I felt about her but guess what...they are married and he would tell her all the things I said. You can tell him anything...just nothing about her. Only positive about your step mom...I send silly e-mails...cartoon clippings from the paper...all kinds of stupid stuff!!! It's worth it to me to be able to have a good relationship with my dad. I used to think that he will be the one who is sorry for not trying to have a better relationship...but guess what...it goes both ways. She makes him choose...I do not...who do you think he appreciates more? I don't talk bad about her...she does about me...who do you think he enjoys talking to more? I am telling you it works. He will start to call you on the side when she is not around. I hope this works for you as it has me...I have never been the one to play games but when it came to my dad...I would do anything!!! Good luck to you and God Bless