phone situation

15 years ago

SD's mom does not have a land line - she and hubby each have a cell. SD has a cell phone, but the agreement has been, from the first day she got it, that it could not be used for social calls until her test grade in math came up. Mom agreed with this, though she pays nothing toward the phone. We have been very firm in keeping this rule in place; we want SD to know we are not going to cave and that the grade must come up (can't get any lower!)

So the problem comes during these summer visitation weeks were SD is left alone at her house with no home phone. Mom has left her cell at home a few times before, but SD can't use it to call anyone but her or 911 because she has to pay for the minutes. Suddenly mom thinks it is "dumb and pointless" for SD to have a phone if she can't use it. Today she didn't even leave her phone, so SD had to use her cell to call mom. MOM EXPECTS US TO CHANGE OUR RULE AND PAY FOR SD TO USE HER OWN MINUTES BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT WANT TO PAY FOR A LAND LINE OR MINUTES! Does this make any sense to you? Should we have to pay because she doesn't want the expense of a land line? Do you find it appropriate that she use the term "dumb and pointless" (this was verified as true) and discuss ed our rules with her daughter? Should it not be discussed with us as we pay the bill and can effect the change?

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Comments (12)

catlettuce
15 years ago
What does SD need a phone for other than emergencies? I am assuming she is at BM's home alone when BM goes to work, is that right?

There is a phone you can get and program in only the numbers you want your child to have access to, they cannot call out other numbers but I can't remember what the name of it is. Yes I think you should stick to the rules otherwise SD knows any withdawal of priviledges doesn't mean anything at moms. However, you can't control what BM does or doesn't do.

It's too bad but bottom line you are paying the bill, a cell phone for a teenager is a priviledge, not a right. Were it my son (and trust me I've done it) I would take the phone away completely until the grades improve. I'm sure if BM is concerned for her safety when she is at her house she will provide a phone for her..

Keep in mind my suggestions come from the meanest mom in the world according to my son, who STILL 6 yr.s later talks about how mean I was when I sold his car after his second speeding ticket at 16 and made him ride the schoolbus (Oh Horrors) to high school his Jr. yr. Oh well-ya don't follow the rules you lose the fun stuff..

Good luck, I totally understand your frustration, I wonder what changed BM's thoughts on backing up this punishment and why she feels it's pointless. Are you able to convo with her about it directly? A point you can use is many scholarships and admissions to the finer colleges are based on her GPA, now is not the time to slack off.
catlettuce
15 years ago
http://www.ubergizmo.com/15/archives/2005/12/lg_mingo_cellph.html

The Migo, it's on verizon, but I don't think I saw them in the store when we reupped recently. THere are tons of them on Ebay and they have 4 numbers plus a 911 button for emergency..I Like the concept for sure!

I'm sure other cell carriers must offer similar things.
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My perspective on the situation was the same as all of you. However when I posted this on the stepfamily forum because it related to my sd I was slammed by a few people. I was told that since it was a relative of my stepdaughters mother there should be no time limit. I was told that I should have told my sd that I needed the phone but she could use it again as soon as I was done. I was also told that I should get a cell phone because by not getting a cell phone I was just trying to show my authority and causing problems. When my sd did not get off the phone and left the room I told her again to get off the phone. She was then snotty and rude but got off the phone. I did not let her use the phone the rest of the night. I felt that I probably handled it well but then I get bashed because I am a stepmom giving a one hour limit to a phone call between my sd and her bm's sister. A call that I told sd to make because her aunt sent her a gift in the mail. FYI my sd lives with us full-time and rarely sees her mother. ANd really the only reason I put the time limit on the call anyways was because I do not have a cell and I needed to make a call and waited as long as I could. Feel free to go to the stepfamily forum and read the post with the same name as this and comment.
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catlettuce
15 years ago
Try this: http://www.fireflymobile.com/

Same Co that made the Migo, they now have 4 other models for kids/tweens all with parental controls. Man, I love Google!!
mom2emall
15 years ago
I think sd is bored sitting at bm's alone all day and wants to call friends, which is not unusual. But she is at bm's home and bm should be responsible for the cost of things when sd is at her home for visitation--not you and dh!

If it were me I would not send the cell phone to bm's next time. I would tell sd and bm that you and dh had rules with the phone they both knew about, they were broken at bm's home, so now the cell does not go to bm's home.

BM can provide her cell for sd from now on since it is stupid not to be able to call friends during the day!

I would also have dh tell bm that undermining his rules and talking negatively about them will not help them have a good parenting relationship.
kkny
15 years ago
I think a house with a child in it should have a landline.
pseudo_mom
15 years ago
Have I mentioned lately how much I hate the phone!!!!

Your issue isn't with SD using the phone I am guessing ... its mom decision to ignore your rules for SD... with the "dumb and pointless" statement...

If she is like my skids BM you're better off talking to a brick might get a better response ... she's all chummy when she is getting her way but cross her once and its holy hell again.

You probably want her to have the phone at mom's in case of emergency ... so "take it away" at your house tell her why and let it go for the summer ... mom is trying to play hero again to her daughter.
stepmomofthree
15 years ago
It's irresponsible for the BM to have a child in a house with no landline. She's only getting away with it because you provide a cellphone for SD. How would she reach her own child if you hadn't provided the phone?

We had a bit of an issue with the older SD and the phone bills. The solution that we used was to buy phone cards rather than pay a monthly fee. That keeps the costs under control (she's at college now) and she is careful about her use.
doodleboo
15 years ago
I agree with KKNY adn Stepof3- Mom needs a landline. Don't the courts require working phones so parents can contact children at the other household?
kkny
15 years ago
I think it is a safety issue. Where I live you can get a landline pretty cheap (no long distance etc.). I would not to leave a child under 18 in a house all day without a landline. I dont want to hear how cells have just as good 911 service. What if someone forgets to charge it?
pseudo_mom
15 years ago
Doodle and kkny I agree you "should have" a landline... with young children ... but ...

If my SD tells one more person I "NEVER" let her call her mother ... I will have the phone shut off the next day and she will "never" call her mother again from a landline!!!! Her mother can provide a phone for her to be on the phone 14 hours a day.
catlettuce
15 years ago
I'm also agreeing Mom needs a landline, we pay 21.00 a month for a landline that we use only for fax. THat is cheap.

I'd have DH tell BM what Mom2emall said and also that he is sure that the court would insist on a landline for safety reasons and to please let him know when it's installed and what the number is. For safety reasons she should have a phone installed.
justnotmartha
Original Author
15 years ago
To all of you that said mom should have a land line - THANK YOU. This just seems like such a no brainer to us. We have gone rounds about this already to no avail. It's already been an issue because now SD can only call us when she asks to use mom's cell, so she's only given it when things are good at home. If she wants to call because she's upset, she isn't given the phone. Mom then got mad when SD got the cell because she could use it to call us when mad at mom, so mom wanted the cell to stay at our house. This was before SD was allowed to stay at home alone. We just replied that until there is a phone with a little more unrestricted use (not like Pseudo unrestricted!) then she will be bringing the phone with her. But now that's she's alone all day and bored like Mom2 said, not only should she have the phone with her but be able to use 'our' minutes while at mom's house - against our stipulation on social phone use.

Sometimes it is amazing how logic can be changed to suit one's current need.

phone situation

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