In my opinion, if she backed out on her obligation, she lost her right to have any say......

As for your husband.....THAT is why I end up handling lots of the communication with BM (or he does it but always gets my input) -- because he doesn't remember the details and schedule things like I do! Do we woman possess a gene (or they lack the gene) for organization and scheduling?!!! LOL!

I think he should let it go (or tell her she lost the right to complain when she left you guys in a situation where you needed someone to stay with your son). Besides if taking him to her parents created a burden for you, then I wouldn't even think of doing that! Why would you? To please her? If her parents wanted to come get him, that's different, but.....

And, in the future, if she starts yelling.....I would just tell her to call back when she can discuss it calmly -- and hang up the phone! Don't give her the opportunity to disrespect you.

jerseystepmom........that's exactly what I thought. SS's grandparents would have come to get him....but it would have been so late that he would have had to sleep there. DH cherishes his time with his son and enjoys the bedtime/morning breakfast routine. (he is only home 6 months out of the year). So we figured that we'd just have my friend come here. Besides, SS's grandparents already do ALOT for him. They keep him during the day while bio mom works. They feed him breakfast/lunch/dinner and sometimes keep him overnight. We know they love him, but we feel bad going to them EVERY SINGLE TIME we need a quick babysitter for SS. I think this just gave her something to complain about.

P.S. I grew up close to Cherry Hill!

Ha! I used to live in Voorhees!!!

Yeah, he just needs to not give her the forum to yell and scream and act like an idiot....for no good reason.

she needs to remember he is THEIR son, not just hers. she might not like it, but when he is in his father's and your care, she doesn't really have a say in what goes on. When my DH's ex would pull that line he just state "they are our children" . It took awhile, but she finally stopped using that phrase.

Yes there is one other issue with "her trying to "control" what SS does while with us". She has never put her foot down with her son and he whines, cries, and doesnt listen to her. Especially at bedtime. So she instructed her parents to not give him a nap during the day. He has been very cranky and irratable ever since. Well now that DH is home from work SS has been staying with us from 8am-6:30pm and we give him a nap. She tired to "instruct us" that he is no longer taking naps......SORRY! But the child needs a nap! He still takes naps with us although we agreed to make them earlier in the day and shorten them a little. I'm sick of this woman trying to dictate what we have to do with SS while he's with us!

First, I think you should read the thread starting with "HIndsight"

Second, I see battles coming down the pike. As to the comments that if she couldnt take the child, her X had the right to pawn the child off on his girl friend's friend -- I would say he should have told her when she asked that he was unavailable.

Yes, I am a mom. If my X ever had his GF's freind watch my child, I would be upset. Actually he knows his GF is not to watch child. Visitation is for him. If he is unavailiable and I am at work, I will arrange sitting. I monitor and check all babysitters. It sounds like the childs mom mostly uses her parents, whom she presumably trusts. Your friend may be the greatest person in the world, but it seems like your BF did not monitor the situation.

I think "pawn the child off on the girlfriends friend" is the wrong choice of words here. There was no "pawning off" going on.

There is absolutely no reason why the friend couldn't watch the child for an hour. It does seem more like she wanted something to complain about more so than being concerned about the child... We went through this back and forth nonsense with BM for a while too. My brother would watch the kids for us so we could do things like a major grocery shopping without four kids in tow ... or around christmas time watch the kids so we could do some christmas shopping. BM said she didnt want my brother to watch the kids since she didnt know him... which we went with for a while. However, we soon realized it was ridiculous.... it wasnt as if she was volunteering to get the kids so we could go shopping or whatever and its not like we know each and every person that the kids know and are with through her... just as we have to trust her judgement and cant control her life ... she has to trust us and not control ours.

and that whole getting on the phone yelling and screaming thing... I just recently put a stop to that... I told hubby (mostly because I was sick and tired of the drawn out screaming matches on the phone and having to shoo the kids into the room or outside and then dealing with the aftermathe ie angry hubby) that there will be no more of those next time the conversation ends with we will talk about this when we are calm... the end hang up no more conversation.

kkny: I do see battles as well although I stay out of them. He does all the speaking to his ex. I just come here to get other opinions and make sure mine arent crazy! LOL. Yes he should have told her that he was unavailabel to keep the child but he forget we had somewhere to go. I'm the one in the relationship that does all the scheduling and DH made a mistake by not checking with me first about changing the schedule. I have learned my lesson and hung our calendar of obligations on the fridge. The issue we are having is this, she constantly uses other people besides her parents to watch him for short periods of time. People DH does not know. So why is it a double standard? It's very rare DH would need a sitter while his son is with him. It's only because the schedule had to be changed and I didn't find out about it until the last min. My mistake, I've done things to make sure it wont happen again. I am not yet a Bio Mom and I'm sure I'd be very selective with who I leave my children with. But if the father was great and trusted someone to stay with our child I would have to trust him. And remember, we're only talking about 1 hour here.

First, this is GF's friend, not wife's brother. In any event mom (which, yes would be me) does not have to trust anyone other than X. And once he has shown no control over situation, that trust may go bye-bye.

Second, it would appear that mom's parents may have been availaible.

Third, if DH had told her that he could not watch kids this wouldnt have happened. She was angry because X said he would watch kids and then didnt. As to not speaking to her further, it appeared the conversation ended.

I see a GF escalating a situation. I see other SMs egging her on. I think she should tell dh to be up front with x, and if he cant watch child, to tell her. If the screaming continues then deal with it. I wouldnt like if it my child were not where she was supposed to be. Particulary as the mom has her mother to help with child care, I would be in court, obtaining FROR and no 3rd party pickups/dropoffs. Courts may not like FROR, but when dad has dropped off child with GFs friend, it gets a lot easier.

How does it get easier? the courts will not get into this unless the babysitter is proven to be unfit. One of the few battles we've had was because the ex didn't want me picking up the kids. Guess what? Court said too bad, there was no reason for me not to be able to pick up the kids. I had not done a thing, and have no traffic tickets. Jeez, this was for an hour. The mom IS being unreasonable.

I think this is a pretty broad statement "the courts will not get into this" -- I think everyone here has seen a wide variety of what courts do and dont do. And you were wife, not GF. Here we have GF's friend. A little different. It would have been one thing is dad had said "we cant take child, but we have friend who can." Any court will focus on lack of reliability. But heah, encourage OP to push the envelope. Another stepfamily battle.

GF was not escalating the situation and the other SM's are only supporting the fact that it is very much a double standard. Before you make blanket judgments, stop and pull the issue apart. Fine, her husband should have called the mom back and told her that he forgot about previous plans. Smminic already said as much. But what about the double standard?? Mom and dad have equal rights and mom is not the only one who can decide who babysits. Smminic's situation is not your situation, KKNY. She is not the OW and she did not ruin husband and ex's marriage.

Well OP and every SM here seems to say this is all mom's fault and stop letting her get away with nonsence. I dont think dad leaving child with GFs friend when he said he would take care is nonsence. Maybe if Dad had explained situation it would have been different. When he realized there was a problem, why didnt he call her then?

Now what I see is Dad and his GF are off on the wrong foot and focus is on how unreasonable mom is. I dont care if GF was OW or not, I dont want my child dropped off with her friend unless everyone is OK. I think the mom uses her parents for child care; presumably dad has no issue with that or he would have said something. And for OP to say "why cant we" the issue is what should dad do. I think she has to take a step back and stop fighting his battles. Otherwise she is in for a lot of battles.

I agree that stepmoms need to stop fighting their husband's battles. They are big boys and need to step up. I'm also not saying that it's all the mom's fault, she has a right to know where the child will be and she also has a right to dispute who will be babysitting for the child. However, the father has a right to know who is babysitting for the child and he also has a right to dispute who will be babysitting for the child. OP said that others have babysat for mom, not just the mom's parents, and it doesn't sound like she asked the father for permission first. Fair is fair. Everyone needs to be cooperative and try to get along for the children's sakes.

I guess I missed other babysitters

"Normally we use bio mom's parents as a babysitter, however in this situation it would have been very inconvienient. They live 30min. away."

I dont see X making arrangements, I see his GF.

So again the father is wrong he should have called mom who already said she couldn't make it to be with her son who she hadn't seen in 18 days ... needed one more night away because of work issue ... so BF is supposed to put his life on hold because BM works?

It saved over an hours worth of driving to have a friend stay with the child for an hour.

BM gave hubby a world grief for having his 18 yr old daughter watch her siblings ... on a night they were supposed to be with BM but she cancelled again .. couldn't make it. We already had plans couldn't cancel.

But it was ok that for 7 weeks in a row BM would take the 3 children at 5 pm by 7 pm they had a babysitter until 2 am every night while she went out with friends ...she "needed a life too" every week it was a different babysitter. Her excuse ?? she was trying out babysitters to see which one fit with the kids best!!! No one came back more than twice you mean!!! Hubby told her if you are only picking them up to drop them off with a babysitter don't bother picking them up. Babysitter try-outs stopped after 9 yr old had an asthma attack and the babysitter couldn't get ahold of mom had to call her own mom. They took him to the ER at 2 am.. ER called hubby to tell him his child was in the ER.

I think that if the father approved the babysitter, then it's a moot point. He has just as much to say about it as the mother.

The GF may have made the arrangements but I'm assuming that the father knows the GF's friend. GF and friend have been best friends for 5 years. I would think that the father has gotten to know this person given his GF's relationship with her. I believe that the father should have let the mother know of the change of plans but I also don't think he would have let someone harmful watch their child. Better communication would probably resolve many problems, however, I still think what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Also, if a stepmother has a great amount of involvement with a stepchild (dependent upon visitation schedule and/or if children reside full-time with her) she has a right (and an obligation to the children) to be involved with that child's life. I am a stepmom, my stepdaugthers live with me, and I am greatly involved with every aspect of their lives from morning till night. It works for us (my husband, my stepdaugthers and their mother to a certain extent). However, I wouldn't presume to have such a prominent role with my stepdaugthers if my husband only saw his daugthers every other weekend. As it is, my stepdaugthers need me to perform the duties of a mother figure despite the fact that I am only their stepmother.

KKNY....this is the problem with you responding on posts. You only see what you want to see.
"Normally we use bio mom's parents as a babysitter, however in this situation it would have been very inconvienient. They live 30min. away."

You saw that stmt. but you failed to see this stmt.

There are plenty of people she herself has left SS with that are not related and she has never asked DH if it's ok with him.)

I am a finace, we live together, therefore I am a little more then a girlfriend. It wasnt just any friend that stayed with SS. It is a very close friend (that's going to be in our wedding) that DH also knows and trusts. Bio mom cheated on my soon to be DH and threw him out. So no I'm not the other woman. Bio mom just assumed her son would be at her parents. She doesnt have to ask us for permission to get someone to watch her son and so I didnt think we'd need permission either. Wether the Grandparents were willing to watch the child or not is not the issue. I've already stated it was much easier to have my friend watch him.

And how is DH showing no control over situation? It was his idea to have my friend watch SS as she'd be at our house that night anyway. You assume too much.
PS. ex said he'd watch SS and he did except for one hour.

I am not trying to escatlate a situation. I'm not fighting anyones battles. I am not taking this any further with DH's ex. I just want some opinions. And to come here to talk to people in my same situation! KKNY...you seem to not be in my situation. Maybe there is a forum on a different site for bitter moms somewhere. This is not it!
And yet again, why is it a Bio Mom that metions court first! We're not going to freakin court over a babysitter. We've never been and we dont plan on going.

"And for OP to say "why cant we" the issue is what should dad do."

Dad and I will be married in Sept. We live together now. We are a "we". Wether his ex likes it or not.

KKNY-I'm here for support and opinions of other people in my situation. I dont care if they are all wrong and you are right. I just want to hear what they have to say without you getting into an arguement on every single post.

I dont think dad "approved" sitter, I think GF did. And if I called dad and asked if he could take of child, and he didnt tell me he was doing to have GF figure out what to do, I would be annoyed.

"I dont think dad "approved" sitter, I think GF did. And if I called dad and asked if he could take of child, and he didnt tell me he was doing to have GF figure out what to do, I would be annoyed."

We were actually sitting around talking about how we'd have to drive an hour out of our way to drop SS off at his grandparents house when I mentioned that my friend would be eating at our house that night too. HE is the one that said, "hey why dont you ask your friend to stay an extra hour to help us out?".

So sorry to burst your bubble again. You assume WAY too much.

small mistake

what i really assume is you are in for a marriage where you try to assert your "rights" as a SM.

Good luck --

sminnc: don't take her bait. She enjoys it and adds nothing in terms of constructive advice on how to handle a difficult situation. She will not try to put herself in our positions.....she is bitter because her husband was a jerk who dumped her for a younger woman......sorry about that, but it was not any of us SM's.

How do I know not any? Oh right, because everyone one of you is married to a man who says his wife cheated and then left him or threw him out. My X says that too. My DD laughts at this -- she was living with us.

I think I'm the one who brought up the "rights" issue, not sminnc.

"How do I know not any? Oh right, because everyone one of you is married to a man who says his wife cheated and then left him or threw him out. My X says that too. My DD laughts at this -- she was living with us."

KKNY, I know you've read the posts where stepmoms talk about being the OW. Or how about when stepmoms talk about their husband's past and when he cheated on his first spouse and the guilt he now carries.

Its all about we this and we that. That tells me the SM rights issue is surfacing. Good luck

Issue ... they needed to be somewhere mom who was supposed to be with her child could not make it ... they got a babysitter. Whats the big deal?

Other parent chose to make a it an argument had other parent just stuck to the plan instead of changing it this would not have been an issue.

We all have rights and wrongs.

I thought married couples were supposed to be a "we"?

LOL! I originally posted the Stepmother's Bill of Rights.....want to see it again?

Just to remind you it isn't that we have the right to have to deal with all the baggage and poor parenting of the BM while also having the right (demand) to remain silent. Sorry, you can't have it both ways.........and I know it doesn't apply to all, but sure applies to my DH's ex and many of the SMs here........I would LOVE to have a BM willing and able to take on her share of the parenting....while not poisoning the kids....and being a "Disney Mom"! I would LOVE it...but that's fantasy in my case....never to be a reality...

Oh, and my DH's ex DID cheat, he didn't. My SS asked "who is that man in Mommy's bed"......so.....yes, I believe my husband! My DH would travel for work and she'd farm out the kids and run to her on-line lover.......DH never had time to cheat even if he wanted too -- he was working and taking care of the chores, etc.!

Watch yourself sminnc... (smirks) you are going to be bashed :=) you're not the wife yet ... you're are just the fiance aka live in GF you have no rights .... Not my opinion but it will be said I am sure

She isn't the live in girlfriend. She is engaged and they will be married in September, right?

Sorry, I should have read Cawfe's post in its entirety.

Its just I have seen it posted before to bash another ...

just waiting for it ....

Yes we're getting married Sept. 29th and have been living together for the past 6 months. So I have already fallen into the "SM role". SS is with us ALOT while DH is in town. I believe KKNY has already bashed me by continually calling me GF even though I have clarified I am not. I just call my fiance my DH on here because it's much easier to type DH then it is my fiance.

And the rights issue shouldn't be a big deal anyway. LOL. I'm not trying to claim rights and have never asserted rights. I just want to talk to other SM's!

I don't want to offend anyone, but I can see why some would make a distinction between a man's wife and his girlfriend. Fiance is close enough to a wife because a committment is being planned. When you think of marriage you think long-term relationship. A girlfriend is not yet a permanent figure in a child's life. Unless of course it is a long-term girlfriend that has extended contact with a child and then the point is moot. Hmmmm, maybe my whole post is moot... I seem to have talked circles around myself. LOL!

What's the big deal?!
Dad (or Dad's authorized representative) hired a babysitter.
He could have gotten a 'stranger' from an agency, or someone who was referred by someone he knew and trusted.
He chose a referral. Not a bad decision. Being a friend of the fiance in no way damages the credibility of a babysitter.
No room for argument --

Has Mom never used a babysitter? And if not, isn't that a bit over-cautious?

Mom claims she has never used a babysitter.....and will say this until she is blue in the face (to us). But my DH is still very close to her parents (they watch SS 45 hours a week while she is working), and they have told us that while out of town she has used "babysitters" to get by and they were not too keen on it because they really didnt know these people or how well their daughter knew them. Not the point.....but the point is she has used babysitters then throws a fit when DH did it.

KKNY, it seems you have alot of unresolved anger and bitterness regarding your X and his GF. Let it go. Please. Do it for yourself and your kids. It seems to me that you are always defensive when it comes to Bio-moms and step-moms. I know you love your DD and all, but unless her dad is a total screw-up, trust that she will be taken care of. You cannot control every aspect of her life. Nobody is trying to replace you, but with the situation as it is, its only natural that the stepmom be involved in some way. To believe otherwise is folly. And please stop talking down about the SMs and GFs. I understand that GFs can come and go, but once their relationship is legal, her role becomes very important in the child's life. Once you understand and accept that, the happier you will be. Best of luck.