Dear Vista,

you are one of the most generous persons i met on and offline. Just remember that as Oscar Wilde said "No good action goes unpunished" and remind yoursel to detach next time. No hobbling, no special dishes, no special accomodation.

And BTW, given this unpromising start, i suggest you put your husband in charge of getting the rent from his daughters. You can take the amount each month from his personal bank account or from the joint one and transfer it on your personal one and he can "refund" it when and if get paid from the SDs or from his own pockets. No free rides anymore, please.

Hugs

searer

You are too nice... I would not have done it ... Should have told him to make dinner you would do the shortcake.

(snickers) Freeze it all, invite them over another day reheat it and serve it to them.

And searer has a great idea about the rent. Hold him accountable for the rent. Because you know you will never see it from them.

Thanks, ladies. I have to post a new update, lol. Well, not sure who's cheaper - the X or the skids. The skids showed up around 10 pm, starving. I guess each thought the other would be buying dinner, so, as a last resort, they appeared famished and ate the stuff. I let DH do the reheating and the cleaning and quickly said, "Sorry if it's not any good by now - I expected you all hours ago. Good to see you, but I need to go lay down - my foot's hurt and I'm going to bed..."

At least the food was eaten - or should I say, devoured. The boys are exhausted this morning. I had put the little one to sleep, but the other two heard the herd barge in and got up and out of bed. I disengaged, only to interrupt when I heard the SD who lives w/ us start yelling at them for something at the top of her lungs, DH chiming in rather than ask her to keep it down (may have had reason to scold the boys who do act silly when the grown kids are around). I yelled back, "Boys come up here. Everyone, please keep it down - the baby's asleep!" So, my mom is stuck w/ 2/3 of my boys completely overtired and probably a little cranky, not that DH would ever admit to any disruption, of course...

Dana

Goodness, my own mother wouldn't go through such trouble as to such dinners and deserts when we come to visit! My mother will make breakfast if we are coming over for a visit for the day, nothing fancy. But no matter how big or small the meal it is always appreciated! Boy if I didn't tell her or my SD that I was going to be late I would surely hear it from both of them. As respect is as much deserved as it is earned, when someone's goes out of there way like you did.

You can make me a strawberry shortcake anytime, and I promise to be respectful! *smile*

I agree with angelz. My own mom and dad would not allow me to barge into their home at 10:00 and eat. We have dinner at my parents house quite frequently. My dad gives us a time to be there and I know full well if we are late, he will most likely go ahead and eat and I can heat it up when I get there (my dad is huge about punctuality). If I showed up at 10:00 at night though, he would tell me to go run through Wendy's late night drive thru, cause he is in the bed. lol And, the fact that you have small children in bed, shows that your SK were being very disrespectful and not considering your family circumstances at all. They are old enough to know better. You are much more gracious than I would have been, and DH would be on the couch tonight.

LOL about DH being on the couch as he's been on the couch for over a month, figuratively speaking...

Tonight, they just all barged in again. I'm growing very concerned about this becoming their "Wendy's" lol. DH asked if I had anymore dinner for them and I said, "Sorry, I wasn't expecting anyone tonight and got home from work late (as he well knows)." My son just came up here to my room and said, "Mom, why didn't you save me any cookies?" I had made a small batch for our dessert tonight. Well, I guess the surprise guests devoured them, too. Lovely, isn't it?

To make matters worse, they made a few snide remarks about us owing them a security deposit as they went in and cleaned, took down a wall of mirrors (I was shocked) they considered "70's-ish" and began painting, despite it all being painted a year ago...

I won't complain til I see the place, but I'm getting the feeling the whole tribe is here w/ us til they view things as suitable. Remember these skids have a HUGE sense of entitlement, so I'm not quite sure what they want. The house is steps from the beach for goodness sake! It's not new, but is well kept, well maintained, etc. My mother was steaming today when I spoke to her. The skids and bf had been in and out of my house all day, w/ their two dogs (I also have 2 dogs and lots more pets, so it's a zoo w/ a couple of extras. Mom said they went to meet the exterminator and that they requested quarterly service from him. I can't wait to get to the marriage counselor this week and ask DH who's paying for all this...

Dana

"Psycho"???? You except to be treated well and respected and you refer to your step kids mother as Psycho. What you did for them was very nice of you, but you need to grow up. Two of my step children have never liked me. They always behaved and acted in a respectful way, but I could pick up on their feelings about me, as I am sure you steps can pick up on how you feel about their mom. My sister has a mental problem and she can tear the family apart when she goes into one of her moods. No matter what she did we would never call her names.

My skids have NO idea how I feel about them on many days or their mother, in general. And, Psycho was my husband's term for her after she screamed "I hope your mother dies!" when my mother was in ICU years ago. Sorry, don't judge me - I've gone out of my way for the whole lot of them and have never received any hint of validation consideration. I have a huge history of being abused on some level by these people. Sorry, but their mother was completely psychotic for many years. I could state case after case that would make the hair on your arms stand on edge. But, I'd rather not go backwards, just onward and upward.

I was waiting for someone here to blast me for the nickname given to Psycho. I almost left that out, but it's the truth and is only used by my DH who has never spoken ill of his ex other than this and only used when we need to differentiate between her and the DD who shares her name. She cheated on him for years, but pinned me as the homewrecker YEARS later, lol.

Oh well. I'm glad you wouldn't stoop to this childishness that I guess DH and I have sunken to...more power to you! So many perfect ones here - what a privilege to be around all of you.

Many people whose lives have been touched by mental illness in their families would consider the term "psycho" to be insulting and degrading. If your husband's ex-wife were of a different race, I assume you would not find it appropriate to refer to her with a racial slur, no matter how much you can't stand her. If you are going to refer to her by a "nickname," I think it would be better to choose one that was not so offensive to any particular group.

See normally when I read through the posts here on a daily basis lately I try to keep out of the quarrels, as I am trying to pick and choose where to put my two cents in since I am new here. But this is where I have to jump in. First off I am Bipolar which is a "mental illness" and have been affected with this for 15 years, I have OCD, intrusive thoughts, and a long list of others that go along with the bipolar disorder. And I do not find offensive not one bit! Second doctor's don't use the word psycho for any patient, it just means a deranged or psychopathic person. The only people who get offended by terms like that are usually people who don't have a mental illness, or people who like to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

Vista you are your own person and so is your husband, if he chooses to call his ex that then fine, someone could also get offended if you referred to her as "big Jane" using whatever her name is, they might think he is as calling her fat. Nickname's could be taken offensive by anyone, there are people that can find wrong in everything if given the chance!

so when these people who've treated you badly called up late at night with laughably unreasonable requests, you hopped up & catered to those requests.

When they disrupted your children's schedule, you didn't tell them to go camp on the beach, you just yelled at them to be quiet.

When they "joke" about *you* owing *them* a "security deposit", you're dumbfounded, but you don't get angry & tell them to hit the road, & you don't tell them to remove their paint from your property & to re-install your mirrors.

(Every rental or lease contract I've ever seen says that tenants are not to make any changes to the property without landlord's express written consent & that the landlord may deduct the cost of removing unauthorized changes from the security deposit.
They're in violation of the lease on a house they haven't even moved into yet...
because they're living with their landlord!)

You didn't tell stepdaughter to hit the road when she was living off you, violating your privacy, & treating you & your kids like dirt.

& now you're waiting for your next therapy session to "ask" your husband who's paying for the exterminator?

Why don't you *tell* *them*, right now, that you sure as h@!! aren't paying for it & that they better get in line or they're outta there, tell the exterminator that he has to get his money from whoever called him, & tell your husband that he better get his kids in line or they're outta there?

(Did they get your permission to have poison sprayed on your property 4 times a year?
Do you think that maybe they feel like they need an exterminator 4 times a year because they know theyre never going to clean up old food or take out the trash?)

"I've gone out of my way for the whole lot of them and have never received any hint of validation consideration. I have a huge history of being abused on some level by these people."

& the reason they keep doing it, *& will do it forever*, is because you not only don't stop them, you've trained them to do it:

you jump up & cater to their every ridiculous whim
(& don't you think that they know their whims are ridiculous?
don't you think that they joked about being able to make you get out of bed & cook a cake from scratch?),
& then you're unhappy because they treat you badly.

But when youÂre unhappy, what happens?
Nothing.

You've taught them that you're there to be used,
that they can do anything they want & you'll still cater to them,
that when they do something outrageously insulting, you'll go to therapy rather than confront them,
but that *they* have no consequences becauseÂyou just don't count.

You keep wanting your husband to do something, to put his foot down...
but he doesn't want to, so he never has, & he never will.

Why should he?

Even when you don't like what's going on, you still get up & hobble around & make homemade dessert for the people who are making a fool of you.

You keep worrying about husband's feelings & his supposedly complicated relationship with his daughter.

Stop doing that.

As long as youÂre busy trying to make him comfortable...he's comfortable.

& so you've put the lock on your own cage.

*You* are the only person in this group who is going to stand up for you.

Stop enabling the disrespect & the abuse.

(Your young children are learning what?
that mommy is there to be used.)

Put *your* foot down.

This has gone on way too long, it's time you put a stop to it.

You are an angel. I knew a few choice people would dissect the "Psycho" thing, so I was ready for that. And, as you so eloquently stated, no professionals refer to patients suffering from mental illness as "Psycho." To me, it will always refer to Norman Bates...

I have a patient who after years of treating, told me yesterday that she has been seeing a psychiatrist to help her w/ depression and sleeplessness. She's trying to get OFF meds, which she blames for her issues (began after the death of her DH). I confided in her about my panic attacks, and how the Ativan helped me sleep during the worst of times.

She said, "See you've been treating a mental patient for a couple of years now! I'm sorry I should have updated my med. history more accurately these past few years!"

I said, "Deb, you've been being treated by a mental patient, too, I guess!" We both laughed, but I doubt either of us would be called "Psycho" by anyone. The X's term was coined the night she yelled the crap about my mother, who was in a life-threatening condition. This was in front of my mother's neighbors, who were all concerned about her health and ran out when they saw us pull up to her house. Actually, one of them said, "What a psycho!" and the name stuck, but just between DH and I. Really, I've never disrespected her to my skids or anything.

Thanks for understanding. And, for the record, I think most people have some touch of mental illness in their lives. I could see myself becoming OCD and I'm glad I've never smoked, drank, or tried drugs, because I have an addictive personality, as evidenced by my recent obsession w/ my children's Webkinz...

Dana

Sylvia,

OUCH! I guess I need of Sylvia in my morning routine, lol.

I won't really wait to "ask" my husband about the exterminator w/ the therapist, etc. It's more like I can speak more freely, w/o the threat of kids running in, w/ the freedom to know DH won't ignore me and walk away or have me/us get distracted w/ some of the stuff around the house. I'm actually making a little list of items to go over, and I think the counselor will laugh when she asks if my SD left on July 1. I'll smile and say, "Nope. But her sister and her bf are currently living w/ me."

The sister and I had a little talk this morning about stuff and she was far more respectful about "my" house, and I made it clear that it's "my" house, not her dad's in a subtle way. She and the bf were looking at paint samples and I asked if they were just about moved in. They said, "No, we really want to paint everything first. You don't mind, do you?" They're going w/ tasteful colors, so a fresh coat of paint, w/ them doing the labor is really going to only help and they didn't seem like they were trying to do anything odd. So, I let it go.

Basically, I'm at a point where I want these kids out on their own. I can put up w/ a few more days of anything, if they're going to be out on their own. If I have rent problems, I will tell them that a realtor contacted me, and that I can get a really good price renting it by the month so I'm going to have to do it. Period. I'm thinking of heading that way, anyway.

Time will tell what happens.

You know my 23 year old SB just moved in with my mom and SD a few days ago. This is causing a huge, huge, fight between my mother and dad (SD), as to he is old enough to fight his own battles and has known the lease was up on his apartment and his loser roommate had no job. My brother works 2 days a week himself at a bowling alley bringing in about 300 dollars every two weeks waiting for a job to come threw at a local bank.

Even though he is my SB they have been in my life for so long he is my brother with out the blood line. It angers me that any adult in the situation would move in like this. If there is no real dire need for adult children to move back in with there parents they should be left to do for them self. I can attest for myself I was left to fend for myself when I was kicked out of a home by a ex-roommate who went "psycho" on me and my 3 year old because I complained that his girlfriend and her 2 kids where eating all of my grocery's. I was not aloud to move back in with my mom and dad because of the few things I asked of them, please not to smoke in the house while we lived there (I do have a baby). Well I moved in with a friend for a few months got back on my feet and now live in my own home with STBH. I thank my mom and dad for doing that for me, because I wonder if I would have grown comfortable with living there even though rent would still have to be paid.

Even after all of these years my dad is still trying to make up for all the years of not being around but every other weekend. It's funny how parents can be this way, risking there marriage to pay up to old debt's to there obviously grown children. Even if there is no debt to pay.

BTW I love the old Norman Baits movies!

I think to move in w/ parents to help them out is fine, and probably the only time adults should expect to move in, rent-free. I wanted to collect some sort of rent from my SD that would remain hers, but that she wouldn't know it. A patient of mine said after graduating, her father made her pay $XXXX/month, and in 6 months, she woke up to a car he bought w/ "her" rent money. He said, "If I'd told you what I was doing, you'd have tapped into that stash every other week!" LOL. DH didn't want to do that w/ SD, so I didn't push.

Anyway, I'm a huge fan of the old horror films, too, lol.

Like you, I couldn't exist a smoker's home (give me headaches). I lived for a couple of months w/ my mom's cousin til I found a place while I was in residency. She wouldn't accept rent, so I paid phone, electric, water, gas, and worked nights and weekends for her DD who had just opened a restaurant. Dentist by day, hostess/waitress, or just babysitter by night, lol. I was often times spread very thin, but they were all very good to me and I'd never have dreamed of ever saying "No" to them.

BTW, the electrician who worked on my house said that in H.S. he was messing up, cutting class, smoking, etc. His dad did the "tough love" thing - made him get his GED and go to a tech school. He was angry! But today he said that if he wasn't forced into it, he wouldn't own his own thriving business now...

Dana

I actually just fought with my mom about this SB thing, she told me that he still hasn't moved in all of his stuff. The two trips he promised has now lead into 3 days of constant shuffling, and my dad still hasn't had him approved through there home owners association. It angered me because my STBH called my dad to see if they wanted to do some night fishing tonight since he had the day off tomorrow. DD's cell phone cut out and he never called back, when I called I got the run around. Then inevitably an argument because my dad has taken today off to help SB move his stuff in again today.

Funny how tough love is only reserved for certain children in families. I think my SB would be a better person if they just enforced that onto him.

As for that rent thing, a friend of mines father started charging him rent when he turned 18, nothing outrageous but none the less did that every month until he moved out. When it came time for him to move, his father took him to the bank and with drew every penny that he had "paid" in rent. His father then said, do what you choose with this but remember responsibility is the key in every person's life. If you choose to blow this money, and then come to me in a month and say I can't pay my bills can I move back. I will shut the door and lock it! Well needless to say he used that money to get into an apartment and pay multiple months rent, so as not to have to stress about bills if there was an emergency.

I wish more people learned lessons like that.

Vista...OMG...I know what you mean about the webkinz. My SD and DS love those things. They have like 15 between them and they really are addictive. I am running around all over town half the time looking for the new ones they want. HUGS to you...and forget the "psycho" thing. I think it is hilarious, and just a joke between you and DH. I am quite sure you don't call her that around the kids. DUH! You gotta have something to bring some humor into the situation once in a while. I don't even want to imagine what DH's ex calls me IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.

Thanks, lafevem. No, I'd never disrespect the X in front of her kids and you're so right that it is a little humorous between DH and I, but only between us. As I said, he rarely speaks ill of her, never really has despite her infidelity and poisoning the kids against him/me, etc. So, it's really funny to hear him say "Psycho" was there or did this, lol.

And, btw, I'm posting here this late 'cause Webkinz kicked me off at midnight! How pathetic is that???

Dana