Hi Cinful...I know exactly what you mean...when the doctors told her 3-6 months left, I thought I would never stop crying, and I didn't want our last moments together to be miserable. I know we said everything we wanted and needed to say to each other, but in the end, I still worry that there may have been something else left unsaid, something I forgot to ask her, or something from the past that we just wanted to remember. We only got about 2 months together at the end, and even when it finally happened it seemed like it just couldn't be happening already. I am sorry that you are alone, I do have children and a husband, but we all lived together, and they really do not understand what I am going through. I feel like I am alone, except that I can't just break down all the time, I have to be strong...it feels like it is killing me to do that though. I really just want to crawl into bed and stay there. The one thing that keeps me going is that my mom asked me to. She told me to be strong for HER, and to be happy for HER. I am not happy, but I am being as strong as I can be. That means not thinking of her too often, or all I would do is cry. But I know she knows that. She bought me a journal at the end, and I didn't think it would help, but it has. I write to her as much as I can, everyday in the beginning, and I tell her the things I would have told her if she were here. It does help. My mom was my everything too...even though I have other family, and children, she was it. Every moment of the day we were together...have been for 42 years. She has sent me signs since she's been gone, I know a lot of people don't believe in that, and think it is wishful thinking, but it's not. Keep an open mind after everything is over, don't shut yourself down. Stay with your mom till the end, try not to feel guilty...I know that even though my mom and I talked about everything, I still felt guilty when she passed, like maybe there was more I could have done. I am trying to get past that. I feel so bad for you, and your dad...maybe try to be strong for him, as I have to for my baby...it helps to be there for someone else, when all you want to do is go with your mom. I know at least for me that is true. When she first got sick, I thought I would go with her in the end, but I cannot go right now. My family needs me, my baby needs me. I think that is why he happened so late in my life...he was my lifeline from God...Take care, please let me know how you are doing, and I will do the same.

"And they should feel fortunate that they were able to explain to her that it wasn't that she wasn't wanted, it was the day and age, it was the age of the mother, etc. and they were trying to do what they thought was best." I wanted to add on this note, too, who it is exactly that FD thinks should have stepped forward for Jane? Her birthmother ( my mom's first cousin) was 14! This was back in an era when single moms just didn't exist. Having a baby and raising her wasn't an option for the birthmom, as she was just a child herself! The birthfather was also young, 15 when Jane was born. (I might add, he and Jane have almost no relationship today because they just didn't have much of a connection. It IS fortunate and extremely rare that Jane and her birthmom were able to forge such a strong bond. I know it is the rare exception in these situations!) Anyway, so we have ruled out Jane's birthmom having been able to keep her and raise her. Jane's birthmom's mom was a single mom herself---her husband had walked out on the family years earlier, leaving her to go to work and struggle to support her 3 girls. She couldn't have raised Jane's baby, either. She was struggling as it was to take care of her 3 girls, and as it was, my grandparents actually wound up setting up college funds for all three of them. Let's see....my grandparents were around, but at that time, my grandpa was still working; he made a lot of money in his stock options after his retirment, so at that point, while they were well-off, they did not have the assets they do now. They certainly could have afforded to raise Jane, and like I said, I know my grandma really wanted to, but everyone felt it best for ALL involved if Jane went to a family with typical-age parents. They also felt that it would be too awkward and uncomfortable for everyone, including Jane, for her to be raised within the family, but not by her birthmother. They worried about the emotional pain and turmoil that would have caused the birthmom and Jane herself. And really---was it even my grandparents' responsibility???? Why is it FD that you think family members are RESPONSIBLE for someone giving their child up for adoption? If my teenage cousin had a baby today and wanted to give the baby up for adoption, never in a million years would I think I would be obligated to raise that baby. Actually, I would think it kind of presumptuous of me to even SUGGEST the notion. I am thinking of my sweet little 19 year old cousin right now...if she had a baby, and wanted to give the child up for adoption because she felt it was the right choice, I would not FAULT her for that, nor would I even think it was REMOTELY my business! I would offer my love and support in whatever was best, but I would never think that I should step in. I might consider it if she ASKED me to raise her child but I would not bring it up. Who else would there have been that you think "wronged" Jane by not raising her? My mom? My mom was 23 and in grad school, not even married to my dad yet. My uncle? He was in college. Jane's birthmom's sisters? One was in highschool and one was in grade school! I am not sure who these fictional people are who you think should have "wanted" and raised Jane?

hahahaha dotz!!!! I got that word from my mother. My housedresses are old sundresses, (some of them over 15 years old) so they're a little short or holey or inappropriate in some other way. When I get home from work, I'll throw one on to do housework. I ended up missing the exit off the freeway for the butcher so went to Costco anyway. And it wasn't busy. And it wasn't hot. And I forgot DD had an after school activity at school, so I had an extra 45 minutes and just hit the store like a fiend - with a list! Managed to get out of there only spending $150, which is a record for me. And, I must admit, $45 of that was for a bottle of Shalimar. I figured, you send me to Costco.... LOL. I've always wanted a bottle, and it's quickly becoming my favorite scent. I keep smelling my wrists. :) Oh, and DH doesn't even know I went to Costco, so he doesn't know I folded... So, the menu is: Red wine Cheese plate with crackers and meats and grapes Herb crusted lamb chops with pomegranate sauce on a bed of fresh cut corn and parsley Parmesan sprinkled Asparagus Quinoa with tiny bits of carrot and onion Blueberry tarts and vanilla ice cream I cleaned the house yesterday, got the asparagus trimmed and washed and in a glass tupperware. Sliced the cheese, washed the grapes. All I have to do today is prepare the meat, throw the quinoa and carrots and onions in the rice maker, steam the asparagus and toss it and make the blueberry tarts. And I cheated with the tarts. I bought some of those little mini crusts, pre-made. DH was grumbling that three lamb chops apiece were not enough. I laughed, I can only eat one. I know Gpa will probably only eat two. I can't believe I thought DH hated lamb all this time. He insists he loves it. Who knew??? I've cooked it and (in my memory) he always complains. And DD flat out does not like it (which I can understand, it's gamey). So..... I have to think of something to cook her, or something to go with the lamb that will match. I'll probably just do some herb crusted tofu with the pom sauce. I do a tofu side with a lot of meals I do, like teriyaki chicken... And she loves tofu. I just want to avoid the whole separate meal thing...

I'm thinking RA is more likely, though. I woke up with pain in my wrists this morning, and I learned that the weird taste I've had in my mouth on and off for weeks could be an RA symptom, too I never had any taste symptoms, only bouts of extreme pain and stiffness, accompanied by severe swelling. The swelling comes from the immune system attacking the joint. Never chills with a flare. RA flares are so painful, it overwhelms. My first flares were in the shoulder....family Dr said it was probably Bursitis. This went on for years. When I finally got a DR to order a test for RF, it came back at 2300. Any idiot can diagnose that one, and I finally got treatment. I had a bad flare while out of town...wrist swelled up so bad, ER first thought it was broken. In fact, had a flare a couple of months ago, and even though I said it was a flare...insisted on an Xray. Only thing that can calm a bad flare for me is a shot of Demerol, and these days they are years apart. Now, with RA, morning joint stiffness is normal. When I get up in the morning, I have to pull myself on my feet by holding onto bureau, and the first few steps are excruciating. And my RA is under control :)