another fictional new member (the anti-kk-something-or-other)?

I don't think so. Maybe we need new posters to go through a screening process...LOL!! Well, here goes:

Hi Stepmonster. No, you're not alone in your feelings of alienation and anger, we've all been there, done that. However, you've bottled it up for so long that now it over-floweth all over the place. I would also be angry in your situation. BUT, the situation wouldn't have become so extreme if your husband would step-up and support you. As it is it sounds like you're doing it by yourself with no one to lean on. Where's your husband? Does he scold his son? Does he talk to his son, man-to-man? Does he spend time alone with his son? Someone needs to teach the child what behavior is appropriate and what behavior is not appropriate and that person needs to be your husband, taking charge of the situation. Would you still feel so much dislike for your stepson if he wasn't so mean to you? Would you still feel so much anger towards your stepson if your husband actually took notice of how you are feeling? Or maybe I should ask, if you're husband started to reprimand his son and he wasn't so disrespectful to you, would that change the current situation?

I found that I used to get angry at my stepdaugthers when all they were doing was acting like children. It was my husband that was the adult and he was not performing his obligations to either me or his daugthers. Don't get mad and angry with the child, as they only know what they are taught. Get mad at your husband for not taking the time to teach your stepson how to be a productive member of society.

Ugggh, I forgot my entire point!! Have you had a heart-to-heart with your husband about how you're feeling? Try to always keep the channels of communication open, be honest with both yourself and your husband. Who knows, your husband might listen, might talk to your stepson, and you might end up having an absolutely wonderful relationship with him. I firmly believe that the first step to resolving the issue is which your husband. Hope this helps!!

(and if you're a fictional member don't tell me. ignorance is sometimes blissful!!!)

Hi, Stepmonster

1) Your SS is not going to change.

2) Your Husband will never be as objective about his
behavior as you are.

3) Your SS's behavior will never bother your husband as much as it bothers you.

4) Your feeling and this SS are going to destroy your marriage if you let it.

5) Your husband is a saint.

6) Reward good behavior and calmly set boundaries and
do not allow yourself to get angry.

7) Do not allow yourself to say something that you can't take back.

8) Good luck

I disagree with the "not going to change." The stepson must be taught correct behavior. He must have an example to learn from.

I do agree that your husband will never be as objective about your stepson's behavior as you are. Your husband is his father, of course he sees only the baby he used to hold in his arms. You met this child when? You don't have that bond with him. Sometimes we need to take this into consideration not only for the child's sake but also our husband's. Sometimes we need to look the other way to keep the peace. Pick you battles so to speak. Not with everything, but let's face it, life consists of giving and taking. I am much more critical than my husband but he also knows that I care for his daugthers and would not do anything to hurt them. That doesn't mean he always listens to me!!!! However, at least he doesn't feel like he has to defend them against me.

Hi stepmonster -
You might benefit from a site called stepsforstepmothers.com. There are a lot of SMs on there who are dealing with younger children issues. Good luck!

stepmonster,

Your feelings are legitimate and i understand you fully and completly for ''feeling like you really don't like this child''

I felt the same way towards my eldest daughter for years, and years, and years. Still feel some anxiety towards her but less and less.

I used to tell myself i really didn't like this stepdaughter. I didn't like this about her, didn't like that about her and yet I didn't even see her half as much as i saw the other two stepchildren. Today, i know howwever, that one of the reasons i didn't see her as much as the other children is because she didn't like me and didn't want to be around me. Only around her father. I was a threat to her! She made me feel like i had intruded in her life.

Her father never, never would refuse anything she wanted and even if it meant getting into a big argument with me.

The best advice i can give you is this : really, really try hard at disengaging yourself from this child. When he comes around, let dear husband discipline him as much as possible.

Plus it won't take long that he won't want to come over to your house himself. He's going to find all kinds of excuses for not coming over especially, when he sees that you will not be responding to his every demand, want, etc. etc. etc.

Remember, you may want this, or that in relation to this child. Maybe its not what he wants. Let him come to you a bit, show him you are not a dog and can't be treated like one. When he is mean to you, ignore it! My oldest SD made fun of me for years and years and years in front of her father and her other two siblings. Believe it or not! Husband would agree with her when she made fun of the way i spoke in English. I took it for a while until one day i told her she had better keep her mouth shut was she was ahead because if i had to correct her English writing, she would see that I wasn't that bad in English and plus i told her I at least could talk two languages while she could only talked one. I had never told her anything before for fear of hurting her. One day i said enough is enough!

Another time, i made a birthday cake for her daughter. She made fun of the darn cake for hours. Once again, Hubby joined on the fun with her. There were 10 ppl in the room and nobody else made fun of my cake. I was really, really upset. The next morning i took the rest of the cake and threw it in the garbage. Hubby came home that night and saw the cake in the basket. He never said a word.

This year, when it was this grand-daughter's birthday again, hubby asked me : are you going to do a cake for her.

You should have seen my reaction, my eyes grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I told him to forget about a homemade cake. I would never make one again! Haven't to this day.

Talk to your husband and if you see things are not getting better, work really, really hard on distancing your self from this child in a polite way until he shows you respect.

Keep posting.

Fleurs:

Your husband actually joined in making fun of you?? So, essentially he promoted it!!??!!!! Children learn from example, whether that example is good or bad! Shame on him! Personally, I would have told him that I was EXTREMELY angry with him and would have reminded him how uncomfortable if would be to sleep with his eyes open for the rest of his life! Alot could happen when he's in dream land! LOL!!!

How horrible for your husband to treat you that way. I would feel very betrayed. Actually I have felt betrayed, not with the children's behavior but that of my husband. HE needs to take control. HE needs to be an example. HE needs to also show his children that he is not only loyal to them, but he is also loyal to you and that he will not participate in making you feel bad. HE should also tell them that he doesn't appreciate them making you feel bad. If you made fun of somebody, deliberately hurt their feelings, would he jump in to join you? Would he join you in making fun of his children? Does he understand common courtesy??

lonepiper,
Believe it or not, DH did get in on her stupid comments about the cake. I was MAD, HURT, ETC. ETC. ETC, but most important, what came out of all this, is that a few days later, I did him how selfish, stupid, ignorant, etc. etc. i thought he was. I said : didn't you notice you were the only one agreeing with her? Didn't you notice that 8 other people in the room were enjoying the cake? Don't you think that was rude of her your daughter to do this? If the darn cake was so bad, how come your other two children and grand children were eating it and enjoying it???

I said to him. Your attitude confirms exactly what i think of you and your daugther! It doesn't matter what she does, what she says, you have to agree with her on everything and anything in this world out of guilt and in doing so, you only continue to do what you have done for the last 17 years: Agree with everything she does, even if it is wrong, and that is why today she is where she is : No job, divorced, living at her mom's with her children, no education, etc. etc. If somebody had told her that whatever she thinks and whatever comes out of her mouth is not always right and that she has to stop thinking she is so right, so cool, so selfish, so irresponsible, perhaps today she would be in a better place.

I have never made a cake to this day, not for hubby, not for his children, NOBODY! He's asked for one, but i'm not interested. Case close.

Things have changed a bit between DH and I in regards to his daughter. I've completely stop talking about her to him. I stay out of every discussion that concerns her. When i see her, i am polite. That's it. I don't inquire about her health, her life, or anything just like she has never inquired about mime for the last 18 years.

Ciao