I don't want to offend you, but I would have serious concerns about having a child with a man who would abandon his daughter and have no contact with her because of the childs mother. I think it's nice that you are pushing to reconnect with his daughter, but don't count on things going smoothly. If I were his daughter, I doubt I'd want to have anything to do with him.

you haven't offended at all.
she wants to come (though I get the feeling it could be for money) and I told her she could bring a friend too so she wouldn't feel so awkward.
but we have to start somewhere or it will never happen and I think it may be a wonderful thing. Course it could end badly too.
I'm gonna be positive and pray hard! If there is anything at all you can tell me to do, not do make sure you all tell me!
Letting a friend come too earned me some points (she wasn't expecting that!) so that's a start right?

I'm glad you are letting her friend come. I'm sure she'll need a friend when she realizes her father doesn't give a crap about her.

I think she already knows that but will take anything she can get from him. I am trying to love/care for her enough for the BOTH of us! I hope she lets me.

oh and raek you mean about me having kids with my DH.
NOOO way! but I'm older and don't want any either. I have health issues and can't (endometriosis).
I have tons of pets though,lol

I always have pet fur on my clothes!

I knew I liked you! I have a small zoo here, too, lol. When asked why I surround myself w/ so many injured, abandoned, and orphaned 4 legged and feathered friends, I say, "They don't bite the hand that feeds them!" LOL! My boys and I are huge animal rescuers and support a local rescue shelter in a big way when it's too much for us to handle. (Right now: 2 dogs, 2 guinea pigs, 3 cats, 3 hermit crabs, 1 leopard gecko, 2 cockatiels, 4 doves/pigeons/ maybe one's a crow, lol, and fish!) We only got one of the dogs willingly!

Anyway, I was in a similar situation re: my alleged niece. I didn't meet her til she was 6 - not the same as 18, but it went OK. We still are in contact somewhat - she's grown now. I'm the only one in the family who does keep in touch w/ her really, my parents to a lesser degree. My brother hasn't been a good father to her or the 3 boys I helped raise, but he's doing more w/ the boys now (they're all teens.)

I arrived w/ gifts - thought it would break the ice. It did. Afterwards, just be yourself. I tried to schedule activities every so often so we'd stay close. It helped, but her mother was a major obstacle along w/ her g-mother. Since your SD is older, it may be way easier or much more difficult as you don't know what she's feeling and has felt for many years.

My cousin never knew his dad or received any support (he's in his mid 30's so it was a different world back when he was born.) He doesn't ever talk about it and had his fatherly role models in my dad and our g-father (passed away 2 yrs. ago.) I don't think he'd be bitter or anything (would understand, after living w/ his mother, why the guy didn't want to be tied to her for life, lol.)

I think a lot of your SD's attitude will depend on what, if anything, she has been fed by her mother. Did your DH support her? I'm guessing, yes, like my brohter w/ my niece, but that was basically it.

All you can do is leave the door open and hope she's an animal lover! If she is, you're in! I'm betting the animals will help a lot. To me, you sound amazing. Got my fingers crossed for you - please keep posting.

Dana

heck I can't compete! I only have 3 cats and a dog,lol
animals are so much easier than humans. They feel no jealousy, hatred , bitterness. At least I think they don't.

we have never missed ANY child support payments! ever!

we did get a weird email from SD once that read

"my mom said you tried to abort me, is that true?" (umm NO!)

so I can only imagine what she has said about us. She will probably be shocked to see we have no horns or tails and I have no broom.

I have seen "WICKED STEPMOTHER" t shirts. Maybe that would get a laugh and break the ice?

DH's mentally ill Ex did a huge alienation number on his kids that effectively ended their relationship with DH for almost 7 years. Like you, Notabadstep, I was instrumental in trying to resurrect the relationships. He'd been able to keep in some minimal contact with his son (who had more of his own memories to offset the diet of lies), but his daughter refused to see him at all, hurled insults right and left, and only called once or twice a year with funding requests.

After we got married, she called one August wanting money for school clothes, and got me on the phone since DH wasn't home. She asked for money -- I replied that we'd be happy to buy her school clothes. She said we could simply send the check -- I replied that we'd send her a plane ticket instead so we could go shopping for a whole lot of nice new things. She had a whole string of vague reasons why that wasn't a great idea, but wouldn't come right out and say she didn't ever want to see him (or meet me) while she still wanted money, so I just played dense and dangled shopping trips and malls and new stuff... It cost us some money, but bought us some time -- a whole weekend to let her see that her father wasn't the evil monster he had been portrayed as.

It's been a slow - but successful - build from there. Now DH is close to both his kids. They respect him and understand that it was their mother who engineered the rift. Now that their grown, they see their mother's actions in a whole new light, and are having trouble dealing with her and her hysterical demands for loyalty. We see them for a part of almost every holiday and have a solid and stable relationship.

So it can be done -- Is there a low-pain explanation you can give the girl about her father's absence? It might come better from you (at first) because you will carry less emothinal baggage than her father -- though her father should discuss it when he can. Good Luck Notabadstep!

Hi nobabadstep -
Please see my last post to you on "If I could tell..."

I think sweeby, in particular, has given you some great advice. I would only add to it that sometimes an older SD sees money coming from a SM as "blackmail" - she may feel you are trying to buy her, so to speak. My SD did although my intentions were not in that direction. I was only trying to show her that I cared and that I wanted to be part of the family.

The other suggestion I would have is that you tend to let her and her father lead the visit and stay more low-key. Depending upon your SD's personality, it would not be good for her to feel that you are pushing her too quickly into a relationship with yourself. Right now, the relationship with her dad is what she's interested in - he's the main dish and you're a side :)

On the other hand, I think it would be important that you convey your care for her by being polite and caring. One thing I've learned (the hard way) is that you can't force a relationship just because you're ready for it and SKs usually go at their own pace. Our role is to remain steady, caring, polite and open to a relationship when/if they become ready for one with us.

I hope the visit goes well - Hang in there!

Well here goes....I am married (I'm 23& he's23) it's going to be a year July 22, and I'm at my wits end. My Husbands parents passed away in September, 1suicide/1homicide(why so plainly put? It allows me to detach). That was the opening of our married life together, then we moved back home to help raise his younger brother who had lived with us once before. He was staying with his sister when she started stealing his money. My husband and I have not been alone, lived alone since after the funeral. As of right now, I am the only one working, husband was laid off, and both our brothers live with us, mine is due to lack of a male role model. I work nights and have a hard time tending to my home as I usually would so I have so desperately tried to seek the help of my DH. He half cleans everything, and finishes nothing w/out my doing. He has started going back to school online, which is a great thing!
But since the start of this marriage we have been in a constant struggle for balance. Over and over I tell him that he is the adult in the house when I'm gone and he needs to make sure the boys help keep the house clean. Ya'll I am tired, on my off days I'm cleaning and washing clothes, things that he could've done. I'm constantly on the boys about cleaning up behind themselves. All they want to do is play the game, mind you this is an 18 & 14 year old I'm talking about. When it comes to discipline, I am the one doing it, don't do this and you are too old for that! I'm tired of being the bad guy. I'm not a neat freak but my house has to be clean...period. Theres so much that I can't
get into its rediculous, I'm tired of repeating myself, and not having help or backup. He says he needs my help with his brother, but when I try to stand fast in our decisions my husband doesn't. He lets him off the hook every time. And only does something about it when I start acting like a mad woman. I know that it's hard for them, and I find myself holding back as far as B-in-law in concerned because of the death of their parents. At one point I stopped asking my DH for help because I didn't want to add any stress, but now that he's not working I could use the help! This is all too much for me, I am strong but I am mentally and emotionally drained and I'm too tired to fight any longer. HElp

notabadstep said that the father didn't care one way or the other about whether he saw his daughter. I think you can hardly blame the mother for the lack of relationship when the father makes it obvious he doesn't care about his daughter.

It would be nearly impossible for a mother to convince a child that his or her father was a horrible person if the father regularly spent time with the child. If the father were in fact a good person, the child would be able to discover that during the time spent together.

Young children are not allowed to refuse visitation, even in many cases where the NCP puts them in danger. From what I have read, it is difficult to get supervised visitation unless the NCP is a violent drug addict with a criminal record, and almost impossible to avoid visitation altogether.

tired - start a new thread for this to get it more attention. This is way too much for you, my dear, but God bless you for giving it a go.

A friend of mine just suggested we do "Chorebusters" on line. Maybe having a written delegation of duties would help, but I think you're burning the wick at both ends.

You need to have a break, some alone time, something. DH needs to meet your needs on some levels. Can't he find some work somewhere? A part time job would help you all help.

Start a new thread and the fine ladies here will help. Hang in there,
Dana

TOS - A lot of non-custodial parents will allow visitation to gradually stop if the kids throw an ugly hissy fit about "being forced" to go. That's what happened in DH's case, and while I think he was wrong (and told him so), I can see why and how it happened. His Ex was furious with him (even though she was the one who cheated and initiated the divorce) and even left a horrible phone message stating that she would do everything possible to ensue DH never had a relationship with his kids. Well, she did, and the kids were put into a position where ANY display of loyalty or affection for their father would have cost them their mother's love. Truly a horrible situation for all concerned. Yes, IMO, DH should have 'forced' visitation. But he was so hurt and angry, and saw how upset his kids were every time he told them that the movie and sleepover at a friend's house that BioMom promised (knowing full well it was Dad's weekend) couldn't happen because he had planned a family barbeque. The kids eventually DID discover that Dad was a good person -- but not until much later.

Tired23 -- I can see why you're exhausted. That's a heck of a lot of responsability for ANY person, yet alone a young adult supervising two teenagers who aren't her or her husband's children. I'm going to suggest that you start this as a new thread though, so your situation can get the attention it deserves.

My exH forced our kids to go out to dinner with him on several occasions when they didn't want to, during which he sometimes continued to berate them. Even he never forced them to miss a sleepover or a party though. If I were planning a family barbecue and one of my kids was invited to a sleepover, I would let her/him go. Aren't "weekends" from Friday night until Sunday evening? So there would be plenty of weekend left.. (Well, in my exH's case, when he was allowing them to visit, he might pick them up Sat. afternoon and bring them back Sunday morning, but that's another story).

TOS - Actually, they weren't 'parties' or even 'normal sleepovers' where one child invites another. They were deliberate acts of sabotage arranged by the BioMom -- SHE would plan the itenerary and invite DD's friends for a whole weekend of fun activities that would be bankrolled by Dad, yet be designed to exclude him entirely. For example, "Dad will pick up DD and six of her closest friends them drop them off at the Movies then pick them up again for a sleepover at Tiffany's, then take them all out to lunch at Chuck E Cheese before having another slumber party at Brittney's." After planning this elaborate weekend and getting the girls all worked up, BioMom would announce it to Dad for the very first time in front of the girls when he arrived to pick up his daughter for the weekend he had planned. He went along with it the first time, then asked her to stop, then finally had to put his foot down when it was clear she wouldn't...

Sweeby - we had a bit of that, too. Once, it was youngest SD's b-day and BM was throwing a party that we were forbidden to attend. She said, "It's a trampoline party. Your contribution is the trampoline." OK, but she told us on Wed. for a Fri. night party. DH swung it, somehow, but it was a ridiculous thing to spring on us. I mean, I'm sure she didn't think we could come through on such short notice, but probably planned to have all the girls arrive then give the sob story that the child's father had only ONE thing to do for this party and he couldn't do it! Why set your DD up for a letdown, you know? And why the drama of not allowing the girl's father to just stop by to wish the b-day girl well? I can even understand her not wanting me around (it was early in my arrival on the scene) but her father WANTED to be there at least to get to say "Happy B-day!"

I don't get it. A little harmony would go a long way to prevent a lot of shrink bills later in life, JMHO.

Dana

How on earth do you orchestrate sleepovers at someone else's house? I would love to know how to do that...

"How on earth do you orchestrate sleepovers at someone else's house? I would love to know how to do that..."

Admittedly, that does require a certain level of gall that I just don't have. But she does...