How do you get what you want sometimes?

19 years ago

My boyfriend lives in the grip of his ex's. She makes the rules by using their daughter as a leverage. She gets rides to the train station in the morning (reality is her 300lbs body is usually not up to the 5 block walk) by claiming her daughter wants to say good-by to her that way in the morning. When my BF said no the daughter throws a fit because she wants her mommy in the car.

This woman cannot take care of her child very well; she will not bathe her, do her hair, cut her nails. She is late picking her up from school. The mother suffers from severe depression and spends most of her days sleeping and works late as much as possible. The child throws tantrums and spits at her. Yet the mother gets her way most times, she gets money, and more than full time support from my BF. She treats him like a servant for the most part.

I feel that I try to be fair and considerate to my BF and daughter. I would be able to provide clean, safe, calm environment for the child and be an equal partner with my BF. Even the child regularly lets me know I am not her mother (and I will never wish to pretend to be, see earlier post)maybe I can over time show her that I am not a threat and care about her well being. The problem is that by her keeping my BF in fear and dread she gets all the conveniences she wants, while I have to always ask for small things. Even when they are very small things they seem like a hassle. Do I have to act like a sucicidal, commanding *!@$% to get what I want?

I cannot free my BF from this because he feels like he is doing it for his daughter. He does not see that she is dragging him down, trampling his future and self-esteem.

He needs to free himself. I am already doing mine in therapy.

I was in a long relationship before, but I am starting realize that life needs to go on, and I am solely responsible creating the future.The future is to move on, live life. I know it's a hard thing to do, especially if you have child in the equation, but even for the sake of the child one needs to move on and find equalibrium in life. That is how I see healing. But everyone is different I guess.

Maybe I am the one does not fit in the equation (even as much as would wish to) because I feel that life is very short to live in the shadow of some else's shadow and whim. Children learn to interact from parents, and when they see power imbalance, they learn behaviors. So putting up with ex's BS for the sake of the child in the long run might be bad for the child and any future mate posibilty.

When living in fear you forget to play and enjoy life and before you know it you are looking back at your life thinking "this was just all about revolving around a black hole of the need of the person who I do not even love anymore"

I feel by being in the shadow of this woman, I will never be able to have a family (my child will be financially deprived etc) or peace of mind. I have not been sleeping well...

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Comments (3)

southernsummer
19 years ago
Hey, Girl

Where do you picture yourself in 10 years?
Is it still in this situation?
Do you drive SD to wave Bye bye to BM in the morning,
or does BF do it?
You can stay un-involved with these dramatic events,
and keep your involvement with BF and the kids.
Or you can split.
I don't think that BF will change.
Your choice, your life.
angelz921
19 years ago
Paloma,

You have a great head on your shoulders, it doesn't seem like you need any advice hear. You know what you want, and you know what you need to do to make you happy. Sometimes just venting helps us clear enough of the jumble in our minds to make just enough room to get a clear picture of what we need to do.

A lot of the times our minds are so clouded with normal and not so normal stresses going on in our lives that, we forget to be happy. You have no children with this man, so you need to remember that your only goal in life is to make you happy. If staying hear with this man and his ex-wife and his daughter, then so be it. But if you don't see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, then maybe this situation is not for you. We as humans have a tendency to get comfortable with a situation regardless of good or bad, and don't want to remove our self's from it for fear of change. Not realizing that it is damaging to our health and personality, you mention that his daughter is dragging your BF down and trampling his future and self-esteem. Have you taken the time to see what they have been doing to you?

Sorry that was a lot of my own personal Philosophy, I got to rambling. You are smart, you know what you need to do, as I said it before!
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organic_maria
19 years ago
I'm sorry to say, but your BF is the issue here and will not change. You will always be in the shadow of the ex and the daugher will also give you hell from the sounds of it because of your BF and her mothers condition. The biomom or the daugher is not the problem. ITs your BF. He is doing this and doesn't look good.
Personally from reading your post you are a strong person, logical, and accept what life is. REally look hard and ask what southersummer has asked. Where do you see yourself in 10years? will this change? will he change?
I would not invest any more time in this relationship because the way your BF is. You cannot free your BF only he can do that for himself. And if you are in therapy please cut your losses. There is not need for drama in life. Life is hard as it is. You can control yourself but you cannot make another person see what you see or do what you do for any reason.
Its sad but true. My hubby is selfdestructive at times and there is nothing i can do about it. I'm happy he is strong against his ex and puts his kids in their place but his selfesteem has really taken a hit and alot of times i get stress just dealing with his cr*p.
Its a big decision. Stay, with alot of counciling, leave and start again with someoneelse. its your choice.

How do you get what you want sometimes?

Comments (3)

southernsummer

angelz921

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organic_maria

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