"When I have complained, he told me I needed to find friends to do things with..." It seems to me, Artsielady, you have attempted to discuss your wants and needs with this fellow and he has given you his solution for your problem. After my first husband died, the first man I seriously dated agreed we would tell each other if we were becoming disenchanted with some facet of our relationship...to give ourselves the opportunity to modify our behavior to address the needs/wants of the other...well, after a year or so, I was not happy with some things and had approached him on several occasions in an effort to discuss issues of concern. One time, I made the mistake of dropping by his home during the telecast of a NASCAR race. I told him I really wanted to try to sort through some things with him and his response was to suggest I needed to find someone I could "chat" with. He was not suggesting I find an online friend; he was making a condescending remark about my relationship with my first husband (I am & he was a mental health professional)... I took him seriously and decided to be open to other relationships...within a few months, I met the man to whom I have been married for nearly 11 years. He did me a huge favor when he made his mean, hurtful remark. I don't know if your DH suddenly began spending 75%+ of his time with his children only after you married; if so, perhaps you are a victim of "bait & switch." If your DH's behavior is nothing new & you simply hoped things would be different & his choices would change once you married (making you higher on his priority list), well, then, you may be a victim of your own naivete..... Either way, I hope you and your husband find a way to discuss your wants and needs; that these discussions between you are based in mutual concern and respect; and that you find your way to accommodating one another in a way that satisfies you both.

Look, I'm not saying that it isn't impolite to speak a language in front of someone who doesn't understand it. And it is certainly true that it is her home, too. The only point I wanted to make is to consider the cost of turning it into a battle. Yep, you can win it. It's your house, your way, everyone speaks English only if you are in the room. Hey, it's not even your rule -- it's a basic rule of etiquette. Rules of etiquette apply at home, too (This works best, though, if she never, never breaks any herself, even at home). You are reasonable and blameless. You win! But ... what do you win? You win ... ... and the children don't feel at home at Dad's. ... and the Dad and kids have to speak to each other in a second language (to them) if you are present, which can be fatiguing and also just harder to express yourself as you really want to. ... and Dad's relationship to the kids is different if you are there. ... and things feel even more strained and there is even less communication, even if not a single word of Spanish is spoken. How does that make everyone feel about each other? Think it through, from each point of view at a time. NOT from the point of view of who is RIGHT and who is WRONG -- from the point of view of how this will all play out, no matter who is right or wrong. Now, believe me, I'm not saying that the only solution is for her to learn Spanish and/or to suck it up! I definitely agree that the children (and dad) need to think about how all the Spanish conversation makes her feel. They, too, need to see things from her point of view: she needs to feel at home and equal as much as they do. Who knows -- a kind, positive discussion about everyone's point of view on this might actually strengthen their relationships -- assuming that everyone goes into it sincerely trying to see others' perspectives, not just assert their own rights. And I do think that if the children see she is making an effort to learn Spanish, and especially if she enlists them as her teachers, they are going to be much more inclined to make sure she understands all the conversation. It just seems to me that there has to be a much more constructive (and pleasant) way to solve this problem than to cite etiquette rules, issue ultimatums, demand shows of respect, and turn it into a whose-house-is-this-anyway power play that will alienate the children, make Dad feel pulled apart, and ultimately not leave her feeling satisfied anyway.

Set up your boundaries. 1. Have your H and his D draw up a contract as to (a) how much she needs to save , (b) how much she needs to help with foods, rent, and (c) the deadline as to when she MUST BE ON HER OWN. Both will sign it. 2. Give her about 6 months to save money and move out. If in the meantime she does not save money then the contract will stipulate her moving out in 2 weeks of notice from you. 3. Treat this as a business with a renter. 4. I have seen so many cases with people with mental illness who will use that to CONTROL and ABUSE others with their FOG, (Fear, obligation and Guilt). Recently, in my hometown a 70 yrs old mother robbed a bank after deleting the family's retirement and savings to give to this 40 yrs old son who spent money on trips to paris with his xwife. The adult child would call mom and expressed his depression and suicidal thoughts on not having enough money to pay for his bills. mom then took out 75K from the H's inheritance, 85k of mortgage on their debt free home, to keep on making this adult child happy. As of now, she is serving a 4 years prison term. THe moral of the story is never, never let others control you with FOG.

Amber im not to good at writting or even trying to explain myself. please bare with me. this is my first time being on this site. I guess i came on here looking for advice. and how to fix the problems.When i was going to put flowers at her grave it was out of respect for her and my husband. But on the inside of my heart It hurts for her and her husband. I guess maybe i expected to much from his kids to say thank you. I realize that everyone has a different way of being. I guess im not sure what i was looking for from them. maybe i wanted to show them that i am a nice person and to just give me a chance is all. I am not here to try and take my husbands wifes place.. all i did was fall in love with someone my husband. I love him very much and there are times i can see him looking very sad and my heart hurts for him because he has lost his life partner. I know he loves me or he wouldnt have married me.. but it was neither of there choices for this to happen.I have been told things from his kids like why dont i go rent the place across the street or like the new pots and pans i got never used yet but i did wash them and his daughter smelled them and said they smelled like fish. or how she went through the freezer and chekced dates of meat in it and said it needed to be cleaned out.. i had only been here in this house 2 weeks. but im also not use to having a freezer the big ones. i was lucky to have a pound of hamambuger in mine. so i did clean it out. then she went through the cuboards and looked at the dates threr were some that were a year old so i got that cleaned out.. then went around saying there is cob webs. she then asked me when my birthday was i told her and she said i will never remember that. each time things are said and done i am not mean to them or rude why because i love my husband im not going to make waves . he loves his kids so i will do what ever i have to so that things will run smooth. his son is addicited to drugs bad i have spent hours with him on the phone telling me he is going to take his life .for 4 years i have been having to put up with this. but i do it.even through it stress me out. he has stole from us alot and im not talking chump change. when his daughter come here the first thing they want to know is what there name is on in case anything happens to there dad. for 4 years i have been telling them they need to talk to him. they talk bad about my husband to me bad things and when they are done they tell me if i say anything to my husband they will deny it. if thats the case why do they need to keep saying things. he is my husband and i love him. they say if you want anything from him just be nice..the only thing i want from my husband is for us to have a good marriage. All the things i do for them i do it because my husband asks me to.. but i am almost at the point where i dont want to.