"When I have complained, he told me I needed to find friends to do things with..." It seems to me, Artsielady, you have attempted to discuss your wants and needs with this fellow and he has given you his solution for your problem. After my first husband died, the first man I seriously dated agreed we would tell each other if we were becoming disenchanted with some facet of our relationship...to give ourselves the opportunity to modify our behavior to address the needs/wants of the other...well, after a year or so, I was not happy with some things and had approached him on several occasions in an effort to discuss issues of concern. One time, I made the mistake of dropping by his home during the telecast of a NASCAR race. I told him I really wanted to try to sort through some things with him and his response was to suggest I needed to find someone I could "chat" with. He was not suggesting I find an online friend; he was making a condescending remark about my relationship with my first husband (I am & he was a mental health professional)... I took him seriously and decided to be open to other relationships...within a few months, I met the man to whom I have been married for nearly 11 years. He did me a huge favor when he made his mean, hurtful remark. I don't know if your DH suddenly began spending 75%+ of his time with his children only after you married; if so, perhaps you are a victim of "bait & switch." If your DH's behavior is nothing new & you simply hoped things would be different & his choices would change once you married (making you higher on his priority list), well, then, you may be a victim of your own naivete..... Either way, I hope you and your husband find a way to discuss your wants and needs; that these discussions between you are based in mutual concern and respect; and that you find your way to accommodating one another in a way that satisfies you both.

Say this to your DH. "DH at 8:00pm on the 3rd, I'd like to have a discussion about the kids". This will show him it's important to you and thought out. It'll also eat at him a little bit as wondering what your conversation will hold. Best to have conversations without emotions being involved. Don't ignore him up until then, act loving & then on the 3rd state your case like a professional. Explain to him spanking isn't a form of punishment you agree with. Write down alternatives to spanking 1) taking a toy away, 2) timeouts, 3) not going to do a fun activity. 4) Counting has done wonders for my son. Ask him if he has other forms of discipline that you both would consider. Tell him if the spanking needs to continue in his opinion, it's obviously not working & he will need to attend a parenting class to give him other avenues of punishment. Look one up(parenting class) & have the dates/time written down prior to the 3rd. I write everything down prior to a meeting like this so I don't & he won't go off track. Keep it strictly focused on the spanking topic only. Don't go off topic. Now as you say you "baby" your daughter, do you parent out of guilt? That's not the best way to parent, but I have done it many times myself. Address(to yourself) why you feel bad for her. What do you feel guilty about? Remember you are preparing this little girl for the world. You want her to have personal boundaries & respect for herself. If she has no boundaries from you, she won't have them for herself. I know you love her because you're here asking for information about making her life better. I remember a few motherly sayings, "A Mother is not a person to Lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary." Try & remember you can shape her for only a little while & then the world gets her. You're a good mom & she sounds like a lucky little girl. Just a few things to work on, just like the rest of us. Also, I think you're very gracious in allowing your daughter to love her Dad "very much". I've seen many times where a child doesn't feel comfortable loving the other parent. You're a very good Mom to encourage the love between your daughter and her Dad. She may be more defiant when coming home from Dads. The rules are probably not difficult to follow there & he sees her briefly so discipline isn't needed. Give her time to adjust after getting home & let her debrief. Also, your DH may love your son more. If roles were reversed you would probably love your biological child more than a stepchild. That doesn't mean he should show it though. Rules are to be equal. Good luck & hang in there! Parenting is tough & even tougher with blended families.

Amber im not to good at writting or even trying to explain myself. please bare with me. this is my first time being on this site. I guess i came on here looking for advice. and how to fix the problems.When i was going to put flowers at her grave it was out of respect for her and my husband. But on the inside of my heart It hurts for her and her husband. I guess maybe i expected to much from his kids to say thank you. I realize that everyone has a different way of being. I guess im not sure what i was looking for from them. maybe i wanted to show them that i am a nice person and to just give me a chance is all. I am not here to try and take my husbands wifes place.. all i did was fall in love with someone my husband. I love him very much and there are times i can see him looking very sad and my heart hurts for him because he has lost his life partner. I know he loves me or he wouldnt have married me.. but it was neither of there choices for this to happen.I have been told things from his kids like why dont i go rent the place across the street or like the new pots and pans i got never used yet but i did wash them and his daughter smelled them and said they smelled like fish. or how she went through the freezer and chekced dates of meat in it and said it needed to be cleaned out.. i had only been here in this house 2 weeks. but im also not use to having a freezer the big ones. i was lucky to have a pound of hamambuger in mine. so i did clean it out. then she went through the cuboards and looked at the dates threr were some that were a year old so i got that cleaned out.. then went around saying there is cob webs. she then asked me when my birthday was i told her and she said i will never remember that. each time things are said and done i am not mean to them or rude why because i love my husband im not going to make waves . he loves his kids so i will do what ever i have to so that things will run smooth. his son is addicited to drugs bad i have spent hours with him on the phone telling me he is going to take his life .for 4 years i have been having to put up with this. but i do it.even through it stress me out. he has stole from us alot and im not talking chump change. when his daughter come here the first thing they want to know is what there name is on in case anything happens to there dad. for 4 years i have been telling them they need to talk to him. they talk bad about my husband to me bad things and when they are done they tell me if i say anything to my husband they will deny it. if thats the case why do they need to keep saying things. he is my husband and i love him. they say if you want anything from him just be nice..the only thing i want from my husband is for us to have a good marriage. All the things i do for them i do it because my husband asks me to.. but i am almost at the point where i dont want to.

Firstly, about that episode where your bio father suggested sex: you had no way to know to anticipate it, & you had no way to control or stop it. Although it *is* obnoxious, offensive, & disgusting to you & to me, it sometimes happens when bio family members meet for the first time as adults, so much so that counsellors now warn adult children who are meeting their birth parent(s) for the first time to be prepared. & your bio father's family troubles belong to him & to them, not to you. If anything, it sounds like your father brought you into the family to be used as leverage. Dispicable, but the responsibility & the shame belong to your bio father & not to you. Cut yourself free from that particular chain & don't look back. Today is what matters, & you & your children are living under unbearable stress, in a hostile environment, & you're all paying a terrible price. "He thinks I'm evil" is *not* the description of someone you can afford to turn your back on, let alone trust, let alone spend your life with. (note: He doesn't think you're "evil"; he knows that saying that will shatter you, & that's why he does it.) He's been lying to you & manipulating you since before you were married, his family sounds like a co-dependent, disfunctional mess, & sending copies of the facebook pages to all of them sounds like that you've been caught in the same web, going to everybody else for vindication or action instead of dealing with the one person who's actually accountable. If your husband doesn't have any consequences for continuing to behave as he always has behaved, *nothing will change*. He's entirely comfortable, even happy, with his life, he doesn't care that you're unhappy, & he controls you by striking at your most vulnerable points; why would he change anything? It's like raising a child; if you say, "do that one more time & you're losing computer priveleges for a week", & the child does it again, you *have* to take away computer priveleges for a week, or you're just teaching the child that (s)he doesn't have to pay attention to anything you say/threaten, that you're powerless, that (s)he can do *anything* & the worst that will happen is that you'll yell. If you tell your husband that he has to treat you with the respect to which anyone is entitled or you & the children are leaving, & then he says something obnoxious or betrays you by talking to his family about you or does any single obnoxious thing, you *have* to take those kids & leave. (In fact, at this point, I think you have to take the kids & leave anyway; your life & their lives are being corroded every day that you spend in the environment controlled by your husband & his family.) Although it isn't your fault, although you've been manipulated to think you "can't" do anything because you somehow bear the responsibility for his behavior, so far, you've been like the parent who threatens but does not act. Even if your husband never hits you, he's abusing you: A person who controls another person by manipulation, who calls her "evil", who blames her for his own behavior...is an abuser. Get some professional legal help, get some psychological help (abusers *never* go to counselling; they don't want any interference), investigate what kind of help is available for abused wives, & get your kids & get out of there. I wish you the very best.