Sorry, I guess I should have explained that normally I am NOT a petty person! We have done many things to appease the children's bio mom in the past. I have been an active parenting figure in the kids lives since the youngest was 3 and never have I asked to be called "mom". We kept the kids calling me by my first name so as not to upset her. But I feel I've earned the right to be "Grandma". My SD wants it that way, and I'd be proud to do this. I don't think it's fair to let bio moms "delicate temperament" dictate what the children's children call me! It's an "enough is enough" situation. Thanks for the help :-)

There's no issue here:

The baby's mother has decided.

She just got surprised by her biological mother's response, but that's an easy fix:

She picked your "name", she can pick another one for the baby's "other" grandmother.

I've known lots of "other"-named grandmothers.

Grammy
Granny
Maman
Mimi (thought she was too young & glamorous to be a grandmother)!
If she persists in the drama, there's always "Grandma Smith".
Depending on what country or language or culture or religion stepdaughter's ancestors came from, she might pick

Abuela
Oma...

Those are the only ones I can think of offhand, but I bet a lot of people on this very forum can offer names from their own families.

The children in our family had several sets of Grandparents, very confusing for the children. The children in my husbands family called me Grandma followed by my first name, I thought that was very nice.

I personally think you should be the bigger person and not take THE grandma name. Regardless of how your SD and her mother have gotten along thru the years, her mom is still the Grandma. She is obviously still in the picture to whatever extent so you taking the name Grandma is only going to cause problems for everyone and confuse a child. I am just Karen or Grandma Karen to my stepgrandchildren and that's fine. It's just a name. I wouldn't take the primary Grandma name from my husband's ex-wife no matter what I think of her. It's just not right and I wouldn't want it done to me.

Your DIL made the decision! I would not upset your DIL by not accepting the honor.
There is certainly no reason why you both can't be called "Grandma".

Thanks everyone for the advise! I grew up calling my grandparents "grandma --- and grandpa ---first names" I also had a step-grandmother that I called grandma --- (out of respect). I don't think my grandparents ever minded. I wouldn't have any issue being called grandma (first name), its BM who has an issue with my getting any grandma title. She wants the child to call me by my first name only. So I guess the issue is since I will be the child's caregiver and grandma figure most of the time being the one who lives closest (and agreed to care for the baby when my Stepdaughter goes back to work), do I give in to save the peace between her and her bio mom? Or hope that she can learn to share grandma titles eventually?

Leave it up to the step daughter. Maybe the SD's mother would settle for grandma mary or what ever your first name is. We did that in our family so everyone knew which grandma they were talking about.

The only person being petty here is SD's mom. Umm, doesn't she know a person can have more than one grandma? I had two grandmas and I called both of them grandma and I was raised in an intact family.

If SD wants to have her child call you grandma, she needs to stand up to her mom and tell her the baby has two grandmas and that's it. It's SD choice what she wants her child to call everyone. I think it's great she feels close enough to you to consider you her child's grandma.

And don't worry about the child being confused, even in intact families people have two grandmas and no one ever gets confused.

I suspect your close relationship to SD is the issue. No name or title will please her. I still say it is your SD choice.

It's obvious your SD regards you with affection and sees you as the primary grandmother figure in her children's lives. That is a great gift.

The best thing you can do regarding the name issue is not to involve yourself in it. Try as much as possible to maintain a loving but neutral stance. This is between your SD and her bio mother.

Children often pick their own favorite names for their grammy and gramps. In time this issue may resolve itself regardless of what bio mom or SD want.

Yeah....that is not "your" battle. No point in trying to keep the peace....if the child ends upfeelig torn (thats years away...a lot could happen) then you deal with the child and how they feel. In the meantime, this is sd and bio moms issue.

Your stepdaughter's mother, the mother of this pregnant lady who does not need her blood pressure raised, this mother who hasn't been around for donkey's years, wants to determine what the pregnant lady's child calls you?

& wants to determine what the child calls *her*?

I bet we could think of some fitting names...

I can not stand my ex's wife but my grandchildren call her grandma and my husband grandpa. I am not offended by it. As they are getting older they have figured out who is who.
What is offensive is when the ex's wife thinks she is my equal and literally steps in front of me to hold or play with them.
Being a grandparent is different then being a parent. Mom may want to try and mend fences with her daughter. Stepmom should stay out of it. If the child calls her grandma or any variation of it appreciate it. It is still a couple of years away. The delivery room is big enough for two grandmas. I can appreciate all you have done for your stepdaughter. It is a thankless job, but mom is still mom and they still have contact.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong.

I also don't think that, even taking into account the history and relationships, the other lady is being silly to feel hurt. I don't think too many of us would, in her position, think, "Well, after what's gone down all these years, I don't deserve to be called Grandma, so I'm just fine with this." It has to be painful. She must feel rejected by her daughter. (I don't think it was so smart of her to make a point of saying anything, though.) Whether it's her own fault or not is not the point. She feels what she feels.

I don't think you get anywhere by resorting to statements like "It's the mom's choice," either. That's not going to change one thing about how anyone feels, and I also think you are correct that it could all lead to the other lady's trying hard to marginalize you. As for this inspiring her to be a better parent and change her attitude ... seriously? I strongly doubt it.

Honestly, I think the smartest thing for you to do here is to tell your stepdaughter that you are very touched and honored, but that as it obviously causes her mom pain and embarrassment, it might be better all around if you are Nana or Meemaw or Granny or Bubbie or something else. We will probably have grandchildren in the next few years, and as Grandma, Bubbie, and Nana are already in use, I predict that we in the next generation will end up Safta (the Israeli), Abuela (the Mexican), and I suppose I'll ask for "Granny" --because it's the only one left I can think of!

But I don't think about it much, because, and this applies to you, too, this whole argument may well be a waste. The first grandchild gets to name the grandparents. No matter what anyone decides, you could both end up being "Kiki" and "BingBong," you know. I have one friend who is "Happy."

If your stepdaughter insists on it after your saying this, then you have an entirely different problem on your hands. Don't let her use you as a weapon against her mother, for your own sake most of all.

Do you have to step back? No. Does her mom have the right to insist? No. Is she being petty to make a thing of it? Yes. Shouldn't the mom get to choose? Sure.

But relying on rules or logic rarely solves problems like these. Rather, I would ask yourself what is the best way to maximize everyone's comfort, dignity, and relationships, here, not least the grandchildren to come. What will make you most confident you are behaving like a lady and a grownup?

You aren't the one with something to prove. You can afford to be generous.

I'm sure you are going to be an excellent grandparent, and if, for whatever reason, you end up as "MooMoo," someday you'll get a crayoned card that says " YOU ARE THE MOST WONDERFUL MOOMOO IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!! WE LOVE OUR MOOMOO!" Would that really be so bad? :-)