The girls know that there are thngs that belong to me AND their father that they do NOT touch. It's perfectly fine to have things that are YOURS. Obviously' I am not going to let a four year old play "dress-up" in a five hundred dollar evening dress or walk around the house in a 175 dollar pair of heels. How bout' no.

If they can't respect personal property that goes double. That's not just with skids either but with all people,children and adult alike.

yes you can have things that are YOURS. if DH wants his kids to play on computer, he can buy them their own computer, you don't have to share yours.

That is what irritates me is they HAVE their own (we have five computers in our house) and they STILL get on mine (he allows it) because I have a bigger monitor and better components (my job is technical in nature). I just don't know how to pose the topic to him, every time I even bring it up I'm selfish and spoiled and he will preach on how the kids have 'free reign' with his things. Well, if that's what he wants for his stuff that's fine, but I don't think kids need full access to everything their parents own.

It sounds like this isn't anything new, it's just more of the same thing that's been happening since you married & a lot of your belongings got "re-distributed".

This guy has been sabotaging you & destroying your boundaries for a long time now.

This is just the latest episode, & it won't get better, it'll get worse.

Not only does your husband not respect your boundaries or your belongings, *he doesn't want your boundaries & your belongings respected, period*.

& I'd bet he transmits that to the children, which encourages them to wreak more havoc than they'd think of on their own.

sounds an awful lot like passive aggression to me;

you "can't" get mad at dad because he "didn't do anything", & he criticizes your attempts to set some entirely reasonable boundaries & make some entirely reasonable decisions as "childish"...

'cause he doesn't want you to have boundaries, & he wants to reduce you to the same level as his children.

So you have to solve your own problem:

Remember that "No" is a complete sentence.

Tell hubs "No".

Tell his children "No".

Loaning your things to someone, or sharing your things with someone, is a gracious gesture, & it's *your option*.

When someone's generosity is abused, that person can & should withdraw the generosity.

Don't "discuss" with the kids-
it lowers you to their level, which I would bet gives hubs a great deal of satisfaction-
inform them of your decision, your *final* decision, that they have lost the privelege of being allowed to touch your computer, & lock the dam door to the computer room.

You might want to take a step back & look at your life with him from a more detached perspective;

if this guy is angry with you (doesn't have to be a reasonable anger, either), & he wants you punished, or if he wants you trivialized & reduced to the level of a child, & he uses his kids as tools to punish you & degrade you...

you might want to think in terms of what the rest of your life is apt to be like as his anger builds (it always does) or his desire to sabotage & belittle you grows (it always does), & the kids get bigger & stronger & bolder.

I wish you the best.

I'd take something of HIS, that he wouldn't want them to touch (for my hubby, it's his toolbox) and let them 'play' with it. Then he will see how HE'D feel.

My computer is OFF LIMITS. Period. If yours is nicer and bigger, then he can go buy them a nicer one if he thinks they 'deserve' it. (I wonder where kids get that 'entitled' feeling from?)

Things off limits to kids:

1. My car
2. My computer
3. My personal hygiene products
4. My cell phone
5. My mail
6. My purse/wallet
7. My cosmetics
8. My desk & all the personal papers on it. (includes credit card & bank statements because my finances are MY business)
9. My clothes & shoes

10. My bedroom

They are off limits to my kids and my step daughter. If my daughter wants to borrow something, she has to ask. Why wouldn't it be any different with a step? Some of those things are plainly not anyone's business.. some are things they should have their own (cosmetics/hygiene stuff) and some are purely for my privacy. My bedroom is MY retreat and I can go there when I don't want to be bothered.

Not saying my list is right or wrong for anyone else, but YOU have the right to make your own list and place boundaries where YOU feel comfortable. If dad wants different boundaries, he can set his own...

I learned a little trick (from an old boyfriend who was in law enforcement) to determine who has a motive & what that motive is:

Ignore what people say (especially if it sounds outlandish), & concentrate on what happens.

Hubs says you're selfish, you're childish, his philosophy is that children should have total access to their parents' belongings, yadda yadda yadda (sounds outlandish).

What happens is that your property has been taken, your privacy has been taken, your boundaries have been violated, you literally have no toehold in that house to call your own.

He likes it.

Don't "pose" it to him in any way;
it won't make any difference.

He's made up his mind, the only thing that will satisfy him is for you to be totally defenseless & totally disenfranchised.

Put your foot down, inform rather than discuss, stand firm, & protect your boundaries & your belongings.

& if your computer were disabled so severely or for so long that it cost you your job?

He'd like that, too, he'd really like that...

& it would be "your fault"...for not being adult enough to keep your business under control, or for some other outlandish reason.

I my own self am thinking I'd take my cash & my computer & my car & get outta there.

I think adults are allowed to have things in their home that are off limits to the kids! And all our kids have things that are off limits to others as well. They each have a shelf in their closet above where the clothes hang. We tell them that anything that is something they do not wish to share they can put on that shelf. That is their own personal place to keep things.

They each put photo albums and trinkets and things that are sentimental to them. They often take them down and look at them together, but it makes them feel like they have some privacy at the same time because nobody can go get those things down without their consent.

They have all at times also put new gifts up there for a while too.

Your DH is the one who being disrespectful to you in not teaching them to respect another persons property.
I got pist off at my SD for bulling her brother and my son and a few months ago i decided that its a privelage to have and play on my computer. So i also created a password. Well my husband gave it to her but nto to his son. I told him that was utter BS cause she was not to have the password in the first place and to top it off he played favoritism....sooooooo. i changed it and didnt' give it to my husband. He was royally pist! I said how does it feel? He said ok.
We changed the password and the rule stands, no child has the password. No child under our roof. They need permission to be on the computer. And if they ruin it, i will fix it and they will never go on it again and they know it.
It is fair what you have done and if they cannot respect it then tell your Dh to buy a second computer for them. And he can pay the bill for the internet.

IMA

That list you went down is my list of OFF LIMIT stuff right down to the bedroom. HAHAHAHA.

There is nothing in our room that those girls need. Only about a thousand ways to ge them in really deep doo-doo.

See I've tried that too, however my husband being in the technical field as well, cracked it, changed it and then gave it to the kids..then teased ME that he wouldn't give it to me.

I'm more irritated with him undermining me and my things than what the kids did. What irritates me more is I know he plays it off to the kids not as you need to be respectful of other people and their things if you want to use them but as your SM is being selfish and won't share etc...

wow. THAT'S A HUGE ISSUE.

This isn't about a computer... this is about respect in your marriage and you need either a good marriage counselor or a great divorce attorney. All hell would break loose if my husband TOLD his child that I'm being selfish because I don't want her in my things. I'd be more than irritated. Has he always had this attitude or is this something new? Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? and if so, what does he say?

It almost sounds like he's taking an us against you attitude and that's really bad. It's bad enough when the kids try to get their parent to team against you but when the parent enlists the kids or jumps on board with them and then 'teases' you. OMG... Hell NO.

I'm decidedly in the "big issue" masquerading as a molehill camp -- It's passive-aggressive, undermining, ganging up with the kids against you...

You are absolutely entitled to have some things that are yours and yours alone. And your computer should be one of them. Mine is -- I will occasionally allow my 17 year old to be on it when he needs to print out school work. Nothing else. No games. No music. This is for my work, and if it gets messed up, the entire family suffers. I use my computer to do the work that pays the mortgage. No child is allowed to endanger that.

After your Hubby's stunt with your passwords, I'd have been tempted to pull a parallel stunt with the bank accounts... Not productive, I know.

Have you had the proverbial "Come to Jesus" talk with Hubby? One where you lay out very plainly so that there is abloslutely NO misunderstanding that you have gladly given X, Y and Z of your stuff to your new blended family, that you have gladly shared Q, R and S of your personal stuff with his children, but that A, B and C are yours and yours alone, and that having some things of your own is NOT selfish and should not be labeled as such.

He owes you a sincere apology, and owes his children a clear explanation of the rule and his own (mistaken) part in violating it.

That man needs to eat some crow.

undermining
sabotaging
passive-aggressive
cruel
sadistic

Protect yourself & get away.

I would of been LIVID Sieryn. I would of probably of walked out. How dare he bust into your account and give the kids the pass word and then tease you about it!

What is he? I middle schooler?! What did you do? Did you retaliate at all? Jonathan would never make me look so stupid in front of the girls.

He can be really immature when he wants to be. Don't get me wrong - 90% of the time he's great. But we get into these I'd call them power struggles where it just becomes a 'who's right' not 'whats right'. Well we had a big talk last night -- and I was impressed he actually backed me 100% in front of the boys but then when we were alone started back up on the 'I don't agree with you' stuff.

Its not that easy just to 'get away' from him - I have three children as well with him all very small, and I do love him in spite of his faults. Its just ARGH sometimes I want to strangle him!

We modified the house rules, then had a family meeting about respecting other family members belongings.

Oh and when he did that I told him if he ever undermined me again I would return the favor, by selling his car out from under him (its in my name only) and he could walk to work ;)

He just has this opinion that the only stuff that should be MINE is my girly things (makeup, hairdryer etc..) which I really don't think is the case.

glad to hear the playground bully doesn't beat you up every day, but that doesn't make him a good life partner.

& he doesn't have any business having an opinion about someone else's property rights.

Just the fact that he feels entitled to have an opinion says that he's motivated to take what's yours.

& the reason he's willing for your "girly things" to be yours is because it would likely be the last straw if he tried to make a case otherwise.

I think everyone is pretty much in agreement. It's not so much the kids disrespecting you as it is your husband. A lot of guys have a perspective that if it's not important to them, it doesn't matter. So your comp. and privacy is not important to him so he's not going to enforce it. That is a completely selfish way to look at things, but it's the way it is. When I first moved into FDH's place, FSD would get up early in the morning, take my laptop into her room and use it. I told FDH that I wasn't comfy with that. I feel the same way about my laptop as I do my purse, my phone and my bedroom. He talked to her and she understood.

My FSD thinks that she is the only one that deserves privacy. She seems to think that she can hide her texts and e-mails, but she can wander around my bathroom and lay all over my bed. So the other day she yapping on the phone to one of her friends and layikng all over my bed. I say "Get off my bed, please" and she says "Why?" I said "Because it's my bed and I'm asking you to get off of it. If you want to lay on a bed, you can lay on yours" She said "But your bed is so comfortable" I said "I know; that's why it's MY bed". So then a couple days later she's wandering around the house talking on the phone and goes into our master bathroom and just stands there in front of the mirror. I said "What are you doing? Meddling again?" She says "Nooooooo" all innocent like as if I'm ridiculous to think that she'd ever do that. I have told the kids (mine, too) that our room and our bathroom are no business of theirs and they need to stay out. FSD would have a cow if I just went into her room while she was doing something and just stayed there. Then, I was checking my e-mail and she comes and stares over my shoulder. I was on this site and I don't want her to know about it cuz I don't want her BM to start anything. So I said "excuse me" she says "what" I said "you have no business reading over my shoulder. How would you like it if I did that to you while you were texting?" and she says "I'm just standing here........geez" So then the next day we're at the salon and she's testing her mom. She'd type the message really fast and then close the phone and put it in her pocket. The only way I knew it was her mom nwas because I happened to glance in that direction and see "Mommy" on her screen. It's just so hypocritical. I believe that no one under the age of 18 is entitled to privacy. It's GIVEN as a privilage. Me, on the other hand, I work hard for my things and am entitled to have them to myself.

Okay.......I know it's a little off subject, but I needed to get it out. Whew! I feel better.

The longer this percolates in my brain the madder Iget.

This guy may say that he thinks everything is all in one big heap & it's communally owned, but that isn't what happens.

What happens is that he owns everything & you own nothing.

He *allows* you to have your personal grooming things & your clothes...
& that's the only reason you have them.

If he decided to give them to his kids, or sell them at a garage sale, there they'd go.

Hacking into your business computer & changing the password & "teasing" you that he might not give it to you was a powerful message;

it told you, once again, that he has absolute power over you.

If he decided that you had to get on your knees & beg to get that password, & you didn't do it, he could get you fired.

(or, if you did it, he could change his mind & decide not to give it to you anyway.)

& there you'd be, *completely* at his mercy.

You say you have 3 children with this guy.
all the more reason to get out.

There's no way you can keep your children from learning that life is just this way, that what their father is doing is acceptable.

Raise your kids in this environment, & the boys will torture their wives & the girls will be powerless & will be susceptible to abuse.

Plus he seems to be incredibly jealous of your success. So in a nutshell he is saying you don't have the smarts to own that powerful of a computer, so therefore you don't deserve it. Cuz if you did you would be able to bust his bust of your password. bla bla bla.

Usually guys like this think and say, "I am the master of cyberspace." Give me a break Livin' it large!

If he is so smart, maybe he should get rid of 3 of those 5 puters and buy a decent one for the kids.

Your computer and many other things are yours entirely.

How far is your husband willing to go to undermine you and exert his control over you? If you denied him your body, would he take it anyway?? I don't mean to jump the gun but where does he draw the line? I could be completely off base but my initial instinct is that this guy is scary...

Change your password again to something like:

UR AN A$$HOLE

U sUcK

lets see ladies I bet we can come up with some fun passwords :)

Not 4 kids

Divorce

I am going to just stick to the issue at hand instead of analyzing the whole mountain that seems to be forming.

If the kids have computers then why do they need to be on yours??

We have 3 computers in my home.

One is my laptop, which dh bought me since I need the internet for work often since I have to use an online gradebook for work and often have to e-mail parents. The kids know the laptop is off limits to them because I have many things saved for work on it.

We have an older computer I had in college and gave to my son before I ever met dh (when I had gotton a new computer). It is still in my sons room and all the kids use it for games (there is no internet or printer hooked up to it)

Then we have one computer in our familyroom that has internet and a printer. The kids use it to go online, play games, and for anything they have to type and print. (we put it in the familyroom because we do not believe in privacy on the internet since there are so many preditors, etc.)

It has never been an issue. So I am confused as to why if you have other computers in your home do they "need" to use yours???

Is there anything of your dh's or skids that they do not like to share?? I would definately make those items "community property" asap to let them know how it feels!

ROFL! Pseudo, you've got the right idea! How bout:

IdratherBsingle

Quithakingn2mystuff

Nosyhubby#2

M1neM1neAllM1ne

?

"It has never been an issue. So I am confused as to why if you have other computers in your home do they "need" to use yours???"

Because they are EXTREMELY spoiled...its not enough that they have a computer in their room, they have to go to my office and play on mine because I have a 'bigger' screen. Its not enough they have a DVD player in their room, they want to watch movies in the theater room because theirs is ONLY a 32 inch not a 60 inch...it goes back to that whole entitlement thread. Dh knows it, but just 'accepts it' has 'oops my mistake' and thinks it can't be fixed, says we'll just 'do it right' with our three boys. All I know is if they think they're living off of me once they hit 18 they are sorely mistaken :)

I sympathize .. they (my SC) broke my old computer, after my oldest SS set it up with password protection so no one use it at all. My laptop is so full of viruses I can't even start it ... If I catch them on this one I'll break it myself.

My kids aren't angels either broke 2 computers before I said thats it these are yours you break it you pay for it. And bought myself another new one.... sick of replacing computers because kids just don't know what to do with them ... click every pop up download every ad ridden game they can find.

They have broken mom's computer and are flipping because I won't let them go on mine to play _________(insert game).

They went on hubby's work computer and deleted programs for his job not allowed to even look at his anymore.

Can you afford a new monitor? give them your old one ... of course then theirs won't have enough memory to run the new monitor! I know another entitlement ... sucks but really can't do much if hubby won't stop giving them their way ....

psuedo,

I had to fix both computers the kids use before. I just used the start-up disks that came with the computers to erase everything and reinstall the original programs the computer came with.

While it erased anything saved on the computer it did fix the problems and both computers worked fine.

I know that will not help some viruses, but it will help with others. Just an idea.......

Well, my computer needs updating big time! ...now my hotmail wont work but hey i've got 2 other email adresses so dont' care. But my SD will be peeved. She's on hotmail 10 hours a day when seh comes down. Guess she'll have to read a book or go out now. Cause i'm in no rush to fix it.
I'ld get a laptop where your husband can't have it either. Hey since he was an *ss to you then your computer should be off limits all together. The kids have computers of their own and he lets them use yours? What a BABY! i'm sorry i'm saying that. I know you love him. I love my husband too but at times he can also be a j*rk! And its done out of guilt when he is. So get yourself a laptop and you keep where no one can touch it.

Mom2 I rebooted it last week its still giving me kernel errors and some others ... too aggrevated with it to bother ... too much going on to worry about getting another computer up and running ... it will be my winter project or a lawn ornament :)

Here are some additional passwords for you to consider:

forgetaboutit
brats4sure
spoiledUknowit
crude&rude
loserslockedout
cybercriminals
no$$4u
seeuNprison

seeNprison. lol oh I so needed laugh this morning.

You made a good decision, don't back down and don't feel guilty.

sieryn,

First, it sounds like you've stood your ground, and I am happy for that.

Please, pay no attention to 1/2 the ppl on this board that love to get all dramatic and say wonderfully scary things like, "...you should consider leaving him!" and "this makes me so mad!" I think some ppl on here love to get wrapped up in other's lives and tell you the worst possible outcome. Horribly insensitive, negative, and immature!! I've experienced it myself on here, and it can be stressful. When you take a step back, it's a freakin' computer. It's not the end of the world. It does not mean that your husband wants you in a subservient state all the time because he can be a smart ass. *He's a guy.* He'd probably never make it without you.

I did note that these kids all have their own computers, you have your own computer, and your family has a "theater room" with a 60" TV? Do you think that your family might be a bit caught up obsessing over the materialistic things in life?! Maybe a day working at a shelter or soup kitchen would do everyone some good. Just a suggestion. Overindulging children is a form of child abuse, too. It teaches them that the world revolves around them, when we all know it does not and will not.

Sieryn, it was off-topic for me to say that thinking about your husband's insulting, bullying, obnoxious, abusive behavior made me mad;
I shouldn't have referred my own emotions & responses in reference to the problem you posted, & I apologize.

I hereby amend my post of Tuesday July 8 at 14:52,
to delete the first sentence & start at

"Although this guy may say..."

"Do you think that your family might be a bit caught up obsessing over the materialistic things in life?! "

Well I KNOW my husband has issues with this -- he grew up in a trailer with just his Mom and they were always VERY VERY poor. Now that we've reached a comfortable level in life he does like to splurge on alot of 'extras'. Part of it also comes from when we got married we discovered we had alot of double electronics and just distributed to the kids.

I'm kinda the opposite way - I'm more of a minimalist - I hate having stuff (more to clean! more to pick up etc..)

I do make SS11 go with me to Ronald McDonald house once a week when we serve dinner and I've made him sit through several documentaries about life in third world countries. Doesn't seem to make much of an impact though.

"insulting, bullying, obnoxious, abusive behavior made me mad; "

Hey its fine slyvia, he makes me mad too! LOL but even though he can be a jacka$$ 95% of the time he's wonderful.

I was just curious how many other blended families had issues with kids who just think 'if its in the house its mine'. The 'no boundries' really kinda bothers me. I know when I was a kid I wouldn't even VENTURE into my parents room. It was just off limits. These boys however, would wander in and make a pillow fort on my bed without thinking twice.

I don't doubt that hubby is a great guy. Jonathan does things that make me want to ring his neck sometimes too. But he is STILL a fabulous man:)

We all have our ticks that are annoying.