Kids are very adjustable. He doesn't have the baggage yet of society telling him that two bio-parents at home is normal, and he isn't old enough to realize that his bio-dad is being a jerk.

If he gets unconditional love, fair discipline, and stability from you and his mom, and doesn't get too much real emotional abuse from his dad, I bet he won't ever have big problems that come from being a step-kid.

He will have regular kid problems though! All kids do.

I am a SM to a 5 year old custodial SS. His father has raised him all of his life. His BM left him at 1 1/2 then came back into the picture around 3 or 4 years old. He sees her every so often and talks to her maybe once a month if she calls him back. ( We have him call her at times) When it is time to go see her, he never 'wants' to go. He kinda has to be rewarded when he gets home, for going. With that said he really does not ask for her or say that he misses her either. He does say he misses other family members when they are talked about. I really can't give you too much input on it all. All I can say is that we go through that as well. Good luck! Enjoy what you have! I know we do.

Thanks for your replies.

Somewhat related, I found this research article today:
http://canada.justice.gc.ca/en/ps/sup/pub/CSR-2000-3.pdf
that I think is one of the more interesting of its type. Analysis of survey info on non-resident father contact. (Caveat: The authors state in several places that their sample may be a bit skewed.)

One of the main interesting bits in the article was showing how age at separation was linked to, and was one of the biggest factors related to father contact. Specifically (for my personal interest, anyway) children who were younger than 2 at the time of separation have a much greater chance of little to no contact from the BF.

I've been somewhat obsessed with trying to puzzle out why the BF occaisionally argues with us for granting custody 4-6 months out of the year, but on the other hand initiates very little weekly contact. Geography plays a large role -- international telephone bills can mount up -- as does the young age of my SS. (It's a bit hard to understand him over the phone, and his attention span is a mite on the short side.) But there are ways around that; audio tapes, video tapes, drawings, shared projects like growing a plant.... And for crying out loud (pardon for venting), asking a 3 year old to move to a new family, get used to them, and then repeat twice a year for the rest of his life to make up for a geographical distance that the BF imposed on himself?!?!? Razzin'-frazzin'.....

Seems a bit silly, is all. I think it's all an exercise in conscience-clearing, in cake-and-eat-it-too-ism, in providing face-saving outs to questions from the BF's relatives asking 'what up with us not seeing our grandson/nephew/cousin?' "Well, I'm trying, but the ^&$$$ won't let me have access." And then back to whatever it was he wanted to do in the first place....

Anyway, thanks.

Hi Joe,

My situation is similar to yours. My ss was 2 when I married his mother (now heÂs 8), he is also disinterested in his father whom he rarely sees.

I'm not surprised these kids arenÂt interested in someone where there is no pre-existing bond. How can biology in itself be meaningful to a small kid who doesnÂt know the birds and the bees?

The disinterest gets worse when they start school, with competing activities, and little in common to talk about. By the age of 8 you canÂt get by with the simple conversation you have with a 3 year old. It gets more distant year on year. This may sound very sad, but my ss certainly doesn't grieve over it. There is no sense of loss at all.

One theory I have for the problem: most kids enter stepfamilies old enough to remember living with both parents and forming a bond with them. The message for these kids in the books and research is to regard your biological father as your main dad. This makes sense. But it is ridiculous to apply the same advice to really small kids who never formed a bond with the departed parent.

I reckon the experience of both our boys will have more in common with adopted kids than with stepchildren. I wish things like visitation schedules took this into account, where it is all kept fairly low key, and without the intensity of these drawn out visits which are more for the sake of the father's guilt than any benefit to the child.

The big problem is that an absent father can be full of good times, treats, no boundaries while we need to set boundaries and sometimes do things that donÂt win popularity contests. If you want a light-hearted angle on this, go to http://www.theonion.com/onion3605/new_mommy_prettier.html, which expresses the point beautifully.

We also went through the phoning thing when my ss was about 3 and it was a disaster  he was too young for phone calls with someone he barely knows and would put the phone down and walk off.

I believe my ss should know who his father is, see him occasionally, and know the truth of his origins - it takes away the mystery that could make the man otherwise appealing. And shouldn't be poisoned against him - the kid doesn't need bitterness in his life. But I think it is ridiculous to expect him to give this joker any particular revered fatherly status, which I think should be reserved for the man who does the work of raising him.

I would say that this is normal according to my own life experience. I am the proud stepfather of an 8 year old, her father lives out of state and is still very much involved in her life. I know that she loves him but she never asks to call him and doesn't really talk about him that much. It must be the "out of sight, out of mind" syndrome. Some children are very clandestine with their feelings.