First off, I dont hate my step children, I hate their behaviour, and I hate the way they make me feel. I hate myself for feeling the way I do sometimes, I hate feeling like a big "B". I hate acting like a big B.

I actually dont hate any living person, well maybe there is one or two people who have done so many wrong things to me that they could never work their way back into my life that I really really really dislike with a passion.

I as step parent feel restricted, used and manupulated. We are human and we get angry, and we say things that dont sound good, I think we hate the situation, there is nothing in the world that can prepare a person for being a step parent, raising someone elses children is not an easy position to be tossed into.

I find that no matter how much my SD makes me mad or how angry I get at my hubby for being easier on her then my kids, when she looks at me and asks me to help her or do somthing for her, I cant refuse, no more than I would refuse my own kids. I dont go out of my way for her or my kids for that matter. I wont go in debt for any of my kids wants. But the little things, can you make me a ring tone for my phone or can you drive me here.. that kind of stuff I dont have a problem with.

do I love my step kids.. I dont know, what is love?
would I protect them from harm? YES.
Will I feed them? YES.
When they cry will I hug them? YES!
Will I cater to their every whim??? NO!
Will I get mad when they act UP? YES.
Will I discipline them for it? NO, but I will tell their father and he can take care of it!
Will I help them with their home work? YES!
Will I make sure they have what they need to suceed in life? YES!
Will I laugh and Play with them? YES, as much as they will let me?

ARE these things love. I dont know. But I do know that sometimes its more then Most BIO kids receive from two married parents

dyan, if I remember correctly your complaint was your husband compensating for his daughter which is causing problems and turmoil. I do not remember you saying "I hate my step-child like many do. I made reference to that statement.

I completely agree with dyan. You took the words out of my mouth. You explained it to a 'T'!!!! And that is where i stand and my logic follows as well. I will not accept disrespect from anyone. And my son when he grows up also better get a job and be responsible. I will not treat him less or more than my 2 sk.
But eandl, you are right. Alot of these post do hate the kids. But most hate the situation and unfortunately in some circumstances the sk or their biomoms don't help the situation. What i noticed as well as a commom theme within the threads is the father (biofather) does not discipline due to guilt and manipulation. Which is very stressful on the new family. Parents must workon a UNITED FRONT. The marriage comes FIRST NOT THE KIDS...NO BIOKID OR STEPKIDS COME FIRST...IT IS THE MARRIAGE. The is the one BIGGEST mistake alot of these families are facing. If you have solid foundation, sh*t can be thrown from all sides and will slide. The kids, all of them will respect a parent in the long run.

eandhl...I agree. It is so sad. But many on this forum have posted that they hate their step kids, or that they can't stand them. Endhl did not address any one particular person, Dyans world. Endhl just commented on the many posts on this forum that post how much they hate their step kids.

It is so sad to think that through divorce, a child loses his/her home and family. His/her own dad is living in someone else's house, being dad to someone else's kids, maybe even in another state. It must be so painful for a child then to visit their own dad (or mom) and then find that the new wife (or husband) can't stand them, or worse...hates their guts, and they must feel so out of place and uncomfortable. The realization for so many is that they really have lost their parent...and in some cases...both parents...to this new spouse (and other kids) in remarriage. To be made to feel like an unwanted guest who can never do anything right...must be awful.

Can you look at this through the eyes of a child, and imagine yourself as a child, and your own parent (or parents) now living with someone else, and not wanting YOU around? Can you understand what that must feel like? That they have gone on and formed a new family where you no longer fit in, and the new spouse wishes you never existed?
The guilt these fathers are feeling, is appropriate, because at their very core, they realize what their "new life" has cost their children. And they understand that they themselves may be happy with their new spouse, but this happiness comes with a very high price...and that price is being paid by their own children. Their child lost his/her core family, a family where they are adored by both their mom and dad...and wanted. This is something that can never be really replaced.

But parenting through guilt will not help their child in the long run. But neither will a step mother who overlooks her own childs bad behavior, always discounting something "her child did" and hyper focuses on the STEP childs misbehavior. The husband will soon understand at some level that this is going on, and he will parent even more through guilt, because he feels bad for what his child (children) are suffering, due to his new marriage. And he will try and make up for what his new wife is doing. She may not even realize that she is doing this. Basically, she cannot stand his children, and just their very presence annoys her and makes her irritable. And the cycle keeps going. They begin to bother her more and more...she picks on their behavior more and more, and the father sees what is going on, and feels guilty, and calls them on less and less, which in turn infurriates her.

Yes kids misbehave. So do adults. Both say things they shouldn't. Both can be irritating and annoying and difficult to be around. But does that mean that we ask a father to turn his back on his own children???? He was a father first. You all knew that going in. What if he told you that if your kids misbehaved...that you had to give up your children to your ex, who may move them across the country, and you would no longer be a mother? So many on this forum want their new husband to rarely see his own children. What kind of a woman does this to a man she professes to love?

Sometimes I'm inclined to think that single parents feel desperate and need help--and that's why they'll find a mate. Just about anyone will do as long as there is some kind of attraction. I don't believe there is any honesty involved--just allot of pacification. Then they act so damned stupid when 'things' don't turn out.

Poor kids that come with these stupid parents.

Yes, my complaint is with my husband. but that doenst mean I didnt think about hating the SD. Sometimes I wonder where my anger really lies is it the kid the parent, or is it just me being stupid, I mean she is just a kids right?

Hey Brass_Tacks, I can say, that I didnt feel guilty about being a single parent, I didnt rush into another relationship.. I dated and kept the kids and the guys apart. I was divorced for 10 years before I remarried. I got remarred because I fell in love, and i wasnt even looking for it. I was happy, I have a good job I have nice place to live. things were good. I know things are better, now both my husband and I have someone to share life with that we actually like, we have a nice home together, two cars a boat a camper, 1 dog 2 cats, 1 fish, and 6 kids. I did have a long talk with my hubby and being fair.... I told him I didnt like the way things were going in the discipline area.. we got into a fight.. he told me I was always complaining about his daughter, I told him that our fight had nothing to do with his kid, that it totally had to do with him. WE are still out on that discussion, because thats where the fight ended. I think by the time we resolve all our issues with how to raise the kids, the kids will be gone and then it wont matter.

Yes, I will agree some kids are hated, some are abused, some are killed some are tortured till they are old enough to run away. Some kids are just plain ignored, but thats both bio and step.

I think I would rather be a nagging complaining step parent, who the kid doesnt like than someone who just doesnt care at all.

I just want to be a good parent, and a good step-mom. Its just easier when they are your own kids

OH, bnicebkind, Yep, I know it wasnst directed at me.. but I felt that just because we say we hate.. its usually anger and frustration that forces us to say things we didnt or dont really mean. I have gone back to read my post.. I am a big baby.. Sigh.. and what stinks is you can go back and modify your anger.. Oh well at least I can read how I felt and work on not feeling that way again.

hugs to all

dyans_world,
My remark was in reply to eandl's post.

Brass tacks, I was just commenting, adding my 2 cents thats all.