Ever designed for adult with ADHD?
11 years ago
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Dealing with so-called "adult" children: how to determine rent?
Comments (55)I'm back! And there are so many responses here and I'm limited for time, so I can't respond to everyone individually. However, kswl, thanks for the info on that program -- you have to be over 21 to apply. He's only 20. Also, he is so focused on post-production, I don't think the AD role is necessarily for him. Thank you, though! And thanks to everyone else. Red lover, our kids sound somewhat similar! Briefly -- my DS was basically kicked out of kindergarten by our very rigid public elementary school principal. He went to a therapeutic elementary school til he was 12, then a nightmarish middle school, and finally a "regular" private high school that was open to kids w/ learning differences. When he was in kindergarten the dr. we saw thought he had Aspergers. In 1st grade, when he was in the therapeutic school, they said no way is he on the autism spectrum, but he has a general anxiety disorder. It wasn't until HS that he was diagnosed with ADD, and at the time, THAT dr. said the anxiety was probably brought on by the ADD. Finally, after he dropped out of college we saw yet another highly-regarded dr. who diagnosed him with the executive functioning disorder and said he could have told us that college would be a disaster. Well, thanks. Okay, so that is the very short story of his life. We are really lucky that he decided at age 13 that he had a passion and has stuck to it all this time. And also lucky that we have found (college level) educational programs that have been fantastic experiences for him. Anyway, here is what we've decided to do -- baby steps. I can't remember if I already said this, but once he started working a bit, we told him transportation costs are now up to him. So that was one small step. (He does not have a car and uses the bus and/or train or subway to get everywhere -- fortunately all are nearby, and we live close to Boston). As of Jan. 1, he will start paying his cell phone bill. It is on a family plan so he will pay his portion to us. It's a basic, inexpensive plan, maybe $30 or something. (DH pays the bill so I'm not 100% sure.) Then, next step will be rent, as of April 1 probably. It won't be high. Maybe $50 a month. I think my goal is mainly to get him to understand that he has to start getting used to paying bills (i.e., the not-fun stuff) first, then figure out what he has left over for the fun stuff. But I like the idea someone had of increasing it every 3 or 6 months. And if he is unable to pay these bills on the money he has coming in from film/video work, then yes, we have talked about the fact that he may have to get some kind of night job to supplement his income. He was open to it, but he hasn't made any steps toward doing it. The big problem with a kid like him is that he can talk the talk, but he doesn't (or can't) walk the walk! We can sit with him and talk about all the things he should do, and he says, Oh yes, good idea, I'll do that... and then it never happens. We have been trying to have "meetings" with him on a regular basis so we can check in and remind him of his to-do list. One good thing that's been happening is that he has hooked up with these two guys who graduated from the film program he also graduated from -- they are both older, one in his mid-late 20s and one in his early 30s -- who are in the beginning stages of putting together a production company, and they want him on board as much as possible. He has done one music video with them for an up-and-coming (according to DS) hip hop band -- DS did some camera work and the editing -- and this weekend is starting work on another video for another band. DS is really into music, so I have often thought music video work would be right up his alley. Anyway, who knows where this could lead. These guys seem to be real go-getters. Also, he did another project for this woman who turned out to be really difficult, gave him incorrect instructions that led to him having to talk to a TV person out in CA to sort things out, and then her check (to pay him) bounced! The good news about that mess is that I overheard his conversations with both the client and the TV person, and he was so professional. So -- he's certainly not a hopeless case. It is hard -- and has always been hard -- to figure out what he is and is not capable of. You talk to him and he is SO smart and articulate that it's easy to forget that he has a lot of wires crossed in that brain of his! And for those who asked about therapy. Yes, we are actually in the process of finding a new psychiatrist as the last (current) one turned out to be kind of a dud, and he is located too far from us to be convenient. My son's PCP gave us a list of names and I consulted with DS over which one he wanted to try -- there was a woman, an older man, and a younger man, and he felt that he could relate best to the younger guy, so I'm calling him this week. We have also seen an executive functioning specialist in the past, but after several weekly meetings, DS refused to go because she was "condescending." He's at the age where we can offer help, but we can't force him to accept it. Every so often we remind him that we are willing to pay for that kind of help if he wants it... This was longer than I intended but I wanted to fill in some of the blanks. Thanks again for all of your thoughtful input....See MoreDaughter - ADHD at home - Angel at school
Comments (10)Impulsivity can be a problem on its own with or without ADHD. Some people might call just the impulsivity problem ADD (without the hyperactivity), and sometimes girls with ADHD or ADD get missed because they don't tend to act out (on the whole) to the same degree that affected boys seem to. Impulsivity, and distractability can coexist as problems and lead to ADHD/ADD symptoms. The thing with ADHD or ADD for that matter is that it's a neurological condition. There 'should' be the classic and problematic symptoms in different settings (not just at school or just at home, or just with certain people for example). Children can have anxiety disorders too. A generalized anxiety disorder can lead to such things as 'jumpiness' and what can look like distractability and even impulsivity. Asperger's syndrome causes a spectrum of different symptoms from mild to severe. The classic problem would be correct interpretation of social cues that 'normal' people just seem to pick up on as if by magic. That can lead to anxiety because of not being able 'read' people correctly then they assume weird and incorrect things about you, and that just sets up a vicious cycle of problems. A secondary classic phenomenon with this syndrome is concrete thinking. People who have this may not 'get' sarcasm or read intonations correctly. One of the recent studies done showed that they do 'get' and can correctly interpret happy and sad facial expressions. They did have difficulty distinguishing the subtle differences between sad and angry though. A good, accurate diagnosis and some understanding on her part of what she needs to work with in herself can help more than vitamins or any other medication, or supplement which may be helpful or needed. Talk to your pediatrician about the problem and all her history and ask for a recommendation about how to proceed or where you can get specific testing. As a secondary major thing, the biggest difference usually between classroom environments and home environments is the organization and controlledness. Classroom environments are defined, and somewhat regimented. Interactions are orderly and predictable usually. Students, and the teachers generally know what is expected of them and the 'rules' for interactions. Home environments by comparasin are much more chaotic even when 'organized.' Things are not as predictable. This can cause problems for people with any of the previously mentioned disorders and more besides (some people just do better, for no apparent reason, when things are more consistent and predictable). children can also have dysthymia, or other mood disorders (having had an unknown math disability, and a level of perfectionism for however many years has probably been a huge burden on her and she might need more help than just time and a name for the problem to recover enough to seem to 'get over it') P.S. This page has lots of online info from the aacap....See MoreADHD in grammar school kids
Comments (11)"I am hoping this will be helpful to create an awareness of the dangers of relying on medication to solve behavioral problems. " Before even reading your position statement, my immediate reaction was that you are going into this with at least two hidden biases: - First, that the adults are relying on pills to "solve the problems" rather than mitigate the severity of the issues that cause the symptoms, or to assist the child in overcoming the problems, and - Second, that the problems are "behavioral" in nature and not medical. But after reading your stance, it seems like your position is the familiar "overdiagnosing, overmedicating, underparenting" argument. I do hope you'll dig much deeper than this. As the parent of two boys with labels, I will admit that there is some truth to your stance. But that pendulum also swings the other way, with the "overdiagnosing" argument preventing children from receiving the legitimate medical treatment that can help them succeed. My older son was diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia, and is also gifted intellectually and artistically. Prior to his diagnoses, he struggled to learn to read and his self-esteem plummeted in response to his unexpected difficulties. I had always been an active and involved parent and had a close relationship with my son, and while he WAS very active, I did not experience ANY discipline problems at home. So when the educational psychologist I took him to (suspecting dyslexia) suggested ADHD in addition to dyslexia, I was surprised and reluctant to believe it. But teacher interviews overwhelmingly supported that diagnosis, and after considring the issue carefully, I agreed to a trial of stimulant medication. It made a significant, immediate and positive difference in his schoolwork. He was finally able to concentrate enough to benefit from his reading instruction, and caught up to 'grade level' relatively quickly. He was also able to curb his impulsiveness, which smoothed over some of his previous social and classroom difficulties. He was happier and doing well again. Then his stepmother got involved, citing the "overdiagnosed, overmedicated" argument, and his father, citing the "He's just like I was!" (therefore?) argument threatened to sue the doctor if he continued to prescribe stimulants, so I agreed to take him off the meds. DS's schoolwork began to slip and problem behaviors re-emerged, though with even more active parenting, those issues were held in reasonable check. He is still disorganized, forgetful, impulsive and very distractable, problems that were much less severe when he was medicated. Does he absolutely for-certain have ADHD? I guess I can't say for sure. Without a scientifically validated medical test, no one can say for 100% sure. But what I can absolutely say is that being on stimulant medication helped him significantly, and the "overdiagnosed / overmedicated" argument harmed him. My younger son is diagnosed with PDD-NOS, a mild form of autism, another of the "wildly overdiagnosed" conditions. There is absolutely no question in the minds of anyone who knows him that there is something going on, some disorder of some sort. What exactly that diagnosis should be is still up for discussion, among experts and parents alike, and PDD/NOS is simply the best (if imperfect) fit. But he too has been harmed by the "overdiagnosed / overmedicated" mindset. Even among treating professionals, there is a certain amount of "overanxious parent" skepticism. With some physicians you can see the skepticism when they first walk in the room, and watch it melt when they determine that there actually IS a basis-in-fact to the parent's concerns. "With this campaign, I hope to bring to light the exorbitant amount of children being diagnosed and medically treated for "disorders" like ADHD." Believe me -- this 'issue' is hardly in the dark. It is out there and being trumpeted far and wide; it needs no advocate. But please know also that this viewpoint harms some children as well as helping some of them. " It will show that many of these "disorders" can be corrected simply by a parent paying more attention, or a teacher altering the way a subject is taught. " Certainly, active, involved parenting and creative teaching strategies geared toward the needs of each individual child are good, effective tactics. But to suggest that medical biological disorders can be "fixed" by simple good parenting / good teaching are simplistic in the extreme, and harmful to the children who actually do have these problems. Now there IS good science being done that establishes how intensive behavioral patterning and effective one-on-one and small group teaching can actually change the structure of the brain, re-wiring neural pathways. (Look into dyslexia remediation strategies and Applied Behavior Analysis in treating autism.) To investigate how intensive training and instruction can actually "cure" medical disorders that originate in the brain by realigning neural pathways -- a similar but more scientific and greatly intensified approach to your 'active parenting/individualized teaching' argument -- there's some thesis material....See MoreRoller Coaster - 19 yo Son w/ADHD
Comments (4)First, thanks so much to all of you who responded. It is immensely helpful to hear from other parents. From your feedback, we are now working up a new financial plan whereby our son will have to pay for all of his own living expenses and educational expenses. We will save money each month for his ongoing education, but we will not give it to him unless he passes his classes and makes satisfactory progress. I also bought a book about setting boundaries with adult children, and it is helping me discern the difference between helping and enabling. The enabling has to stop. Counseling is also a possibility, and it would be critical that the counselor understand the functional impairments such as lack of self regulation caused by ADHD. We reported the National Guard recruiter to a supervisor, and he was disciplined for encouraging our son to stop his medication (recruiter is not a doctor) and lie on the recruitment forms (felony). We were right that the ADHD medication would need to stop and that our son would have to prove successful functioning for at least a year before he could hope to get a medical waiver. He has decided against this route (cannot tolerate delayed gratification for enlistment bonus), and we are relieved about that. Unfortunately, the drama continues, as we just learned that he will not be passing his EMT class because he did not submit his immunization paperwork in time to complete the required clinical portion of the class. I cannot even tell you how upset I am with his disorganization and irresponsible actions. Plus, he blames everyone and everything else (the state, the college, his instructor, the "system", etc.) other than himself. We are not paying for him to retake this class, which is a pre-requisite for the fire medic program. I believe he was only achieving a "C", which is the bare minimum to pass, anyway. I have serious doubts that he can succeed as a student at this time. He has failed to modify his behavior whatsovever. I'm finding it hard to like him right now. Lots of parents brag about their children and are so proud of them, but I'm stuck feeling used and disappointed. His personality is so much different than ours, and it's hard for me to see his life such a mess (literally and figuratively). He cannot discipline himself to ever clean up anything, so when he comes home and I see his truck full of trash (inside and outside), including soda cans and food containers, grease, etc., it seems like a metaphor for his life. He is having so much trouble getting his act together. I pray that he will learn and mature with time. In the meantime, it's tough to only be called when we are needed for money or some other problem. My heart is broken....See More- 11 years ago
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