Good questions - I am a new SM so I don't know divorce obligation stuff as well as some others out there but I'll say this:

1. My DH's divorce decree says that as "joint legal" custodians that they must agree on medical treatments, religious upbringing, etc. and if they cannot agree that they will find an impartial third-party "mediator" to help them come to a decision. If she decided one-handed to medicate your SS that sounds like contempt to me. If he didn't agree to the medication I don't see how he is obligated to pay for it.
2. I don't know if I completely understood the whole bit on your DH's insurance. But I do know, as a prior Pharmacy Technician, that pharmacies will refund payment and re-bill a medication through insurance if it was incorrectly rung up as "cash" the first time. People would pay cash just to get their medications and then come in a few days later once it was straightened out with their insurance companies and we would just refund the payment and rebill the insurance. I don't know if your husband had COBRA or if his two policies overlapped or anything, but I would say (and probably per divorce agreement) that your DH is responsible for your SS's insurance (not his stepdad.) Of course from the perspective of the pharmacy and not the court - the pharmacy is obligated to try ANY and ALL insurance coverage before considering a medication "cash payment."
3. If you suspect that she is going to get reimbursement from her DH's insurance and STILL expect payment from YOUR DH then I would contact her DH's insurance company if you know the carrier and I would contact the courts. That is insurance fraud no matter how you slice it and I would hold her accountable for that.
4. Your husband can be cordial without enabling her. It IS his obligation to his children to pay what the court ordered but it is NOT his obligation to allow her to commit fraud and rob you of $150 while she's at it. If it is being paid for by insurance, he doesn't owe her the $ - if it isn't then he needs evidence of such (denial letter from insurance company or if she needs the original receipt for reimbursement ask for the original and she can keep a copy.)

Good Luck!!

I completely agree with steppin_out. An ADD medication should be agreed on by both parents if they have the same clause about joint decisions as my DH's agreement does. I would find out her husband's insurance and find out if she is attempting reimbursement from them. If she is, I would pay her the 82% of her out of pocket.

Thanks for the input. As far as the medication, she consulted the doctor and had the ADD tests sent to his teachers. He is with us every other weekend and I'm sure is totally different at our house than at hers. Yet, we didn't get a test to fill out on his behavior. My hubby told her he didn't agree to it but she did it anyway. I'm going to have to look in the divorce papers to see if it says "joint legal." Even if it does, she can say that it's doctor prescribed and that he needs it and how well he is doing since he has been on it.

As far as the insurance. My hubby's insurance did lapse and he is required to have it. It was going to be only a month that he didn't have it so he didn't apply for COBRA since she agreed to put off anything they might need until his new insurance kicks in. She said she would try and get samples from his doctor on the strattera. Now since they got in a huge arguement she wants him to pay for all of it. I think I will try and contact her new hubby's employer and see who they have for insurance since I'm not sure who it is. I will also have my hubby ask for the original receipt. Thanks for the advice steppin_out. I'll just tell her that she is committing insurance fraud if she tries to get money from us and insurance. That itself will scare her.

How can you not have insurance?? You can't put off something like a broken leg.

TOS - knock it off. Go back to the other side...we're not interested in your negativity on our side. Red rover, red rover, send TOS back over...

Harmar - Just because she'll claim "the doctor prescribed it" doesn't mean that it was any less one-sided. In fact, your hubs said "no" and didn't even get an opportunity to fill out the behavior inquisition? Behaving at your house and not at hers is not a strong justification for medication. "I can't discipline so I'll medicate" is sad in itself! If it says in the decree that all decisions must be agreed upon or brought to a third party, I would tell hubs to take it to court. This is NOT a dire strait emergency (like a broken leg, TOS) this is BM using information (lapse of coverage) to get back at your DH for the aforementioned argument. If it were about the medication she would've used whatever insurance worked and asked for the 82% of what wasn't paid by insurance. I wouldn't pay her a CENT over the court-agreed 82% of the ACTUAL out-of-pocket expense after ALL insurance claims are made. I'd take it to court if I had to.

Wow, why is the moms get critized for using the court system, but here, where Dad was supposed to maintain insurance and didn't, the mom becomes the villian and you suggest using the courts. Also, if SS is on Stepdad's insurance policy and you want to deduct any insurance reimbursements received do you then propose paying for the insurance premium that SD incurs (a pro-rata share). Maybe they have put SS on SDs policy becuase they are concerned Dad will let insurance lapse (Oh wait, he did that). I think there are a lot of issues here and if you take this to court, the court is going to look adverely on Dad letting insurance lapse. Only for one or two months is still a problem. In addition to the issue of what if a broken leg, it leaves everyone with a gap in coverage, which means if there are any pre-existing conditions, any new coverage becomes problematic. Which I am certain that Steppin Out, wih her insurance knowlege, is familiar with.

PS I dont see insurance fraud. If she has coverage, she can file a claim. This is a divorce issue. Take her to court. See what the judge says. Just be prepared to deal with the judge not being too happy that DH dropped coverage.

Even though it may be that she purposefully did this to get back at him... he needs to pay the 82% that he his supposed to pay. She may have been cool about the lapse of insurance for a month at first ... hey, things happen.. people can be logical and understanding... but in the end she played her trump card and won. HOWEVER, dad needs to take mom to court with the quickness over taking the child and putting him on medicine without the fathers okay. If the custody does not say he has a say then it needs to ... court ... for one reason or another. At no time should one parent single handedly place a child on meds without the other parent agreeing.Especially for things like ADD; which by the way I have my own serious issues with medicine like that given to children.

If the divorce decree has him responsible for 82%, then he needs to pay it. Its very possible that because the child was on your husbands insurance, the stepfather did not have him on his insurance. I know its hard not to resent all the money that goes from your house to his ex wife, but thats the cost of marrying a man with kids. I doubt you would have a leg to stand on regarding the medication, since it was Dr prescribed, but if you had joint custody, you could complain. Its really not worth going to court over though, imo. Aside from the expense for both sides, going to court is hard on the kids, and should be left for the most serious situations.

Just my opinion

if his feelings regarding his child receiving the meds for ADD were/are half as strong as mine are and it was ignored then he needs to go to court either to change the arrangement so he does have a say if he doesnt or to enforce his wishes held up... if necessary to make his wishes heard and respected.

I have serious serious issues with doctor's declaring so many children add and prescribing meds to children.... for the most part I think a lot of these cases are just parents, teachers, or whoever not wanting to deal with the child in others; there is an actual problem but one that can be controlled with patience and according to alot of studies diet. They do not , like some of these meds, turn a child into a zombie like creature or completely change their personality.

So, in this particular situation I think there is a bigger issue than paying the bill (which should be paid according to the agreement)

"Wow, why is the moms get critized for using the court system, but here, where Dad was supposed to maintain insurance and didn't, the mom becomes the villian and you suggest using the courts."

Kkny, you use court for EVERYTHING - and I don't consider your child's extracurricular activities as big a deal as someone ONE-SIDEDLY MEDICATING A CHILD AGAINST THE OP'S WISHES (POSSIBLY IN CONTEMPT OF THE DIVORCE DECREE!) then using that fact to try to make an extra $150 off of an X who already upholds his financial obligations (and more from the sounds of it!!) Just as I see this situation as a non-emergency (aka not as big a deal) as a broken leg: mom running out a week before new insurance kicks in and getting unnecessary medication (in Dad's opinion and many other parents out there!) for her child WITHOUT HIS CONSENT, mind you. Thankfully the child didn't break his leg which once again comes down to: this situation COULD have waited, and SHOULD HAVE, until BOTH parents agreed on the medical treatment for THEIR child, regardless of insurance.

REGARDLESS of whether it was prescribed by a doctor, a doctor CANNOT do his/her job without CONSENT FROM A PARENT. If doctor says "we recommend surgery" and parents say "not happening" IT DOESN'T HAPPEN. If mom and dad do not agree and it's an immediate situation they will go as far as to designating a health care proxy to act in the best interests of the child. They don't just IGNORE the parent they don't agree with! Yes this doctor got consent from mom but dad didn't even get the behavior inquisition! He wasn't conferred with AT ALL because he was against it. This IS a court related problem.

And if you noticed earlier, I flat out said that it wasn't stepdad's responsibility to insure the child but in the BEST INTERESTS of all involved, knowing that there is a small lapse of insurance, what decent person wouldn't use their husband's insurance? They obviously pay for it anyways! "Maybe they have put SS on SDs policy becuase they are concerned Dad will let insurance lapse (Oh wait, he did that)." Or maybe they have children together and already pay for the "family plan". But you assume whatever you like even in light of new information, as you always do. It's like I said earlier: "If it were about the medication she would've used whatever insurance worked and asked for the 82% of what wasn't paid by insurance." Because that's what decent people do. But she didn't do that because she's obviously like you and wants her ex to pay (literally) for every wrong she's ever felt by him. No wonder you're defending her...you feel like you're looking in the mirror, don't you?

Oh and to respond to your comment: "Which I am certain that Steppin Out, wih her insurance knowlege, is familiar with." Not that I expect you to understand this, but insurance is a lot like people: THEY ARE ALL DIFFERENT. Just because one won't insure pre-existing conditions doesn't mean they all don't (my insurance covers them.) But it doesn't really matter, you've already demonstrated you don't have the capacity to grasp that "every situation is unique" concept.

Why would the child's stepfather necessarily have a family plan? Even if his plan covers the wife, it could be a "couple" plan - that is an option through my employer.

If the divorce decree calls for the father to maintain coverage, he has to do exactly that - not allow it to lapse. Sure COBRA is expensive, but it would be much more expensive if the child needed medical care during that month.

I personally am adamantly opposed to medicating children for ADD, but paying for the medicine and allowing the child to take the medicine are two separate issues.

I believe most people live in the real world, and sometimes insurance lapses because someone cannot afford COBRA. And if it is only for 1 month, in an intact family, everyone would wait it out unless it was an emergency. (And the parents would pray every night there wasn't one...lol) That happened a while back to us so I waited one month to take the kids for their annual physicals until our new insurance kicks in. Particularly since school is not in right now, so medication is not needed for educational purposes, I am sure this could have waited. And I agree, I don't think medication for ADD is usually necessary..there are many behavior and dietetic modificiations to try first. The BM and new hubby could have a child and most policies charge the same for 1 or 10 children. That is the case with my DH's plan. My son initially was on his BF's plan. My ex has no other children. So, I offered to put DS on my DH's plan since we had to have it for our other children anyway and there was no additional cost. My ex thought that was kind of me, so he makes it up by helping for other things in lieu of that. So, maybe the child was on the SF's policy because of the same situation.

I've read everyone's comments so I will follow up, FYI. We are only out of insurance for 1 month. We were paying over $700 for a family plan. She agreed to hold off on any dentist/doctor visits unless necessary. COBRA was going to be over $700 as well. She does have a family plan with her new hubby that I confirmed 6 months ago. She did not bother to tell us the boys were on 2 insurances. That's why she never griped about co-pays and only griped about us paying the deductible until it was met. I don't mind paying 82% if we have to. I just don't want her filing it with her hubby's insurance and then trying to get us to pay it as well. She is very angry right now because they got in a huge fight and would do it out of spite. She hates me and would love to see more money come out of my house. BTW, she gets almost $1200 a month for child support but buys the boys clothes on ebay. She asks for us to pay for half of sports camps, which we only have once. The woman can not hold a job and stays at home while I have to work to make up for the money she gets. She spends $1500 a month on college classes which is what she just told my hubby. She says my hubby has never paid a dime for the boys. He has paid her over 100K so far in child support and over 25K in 401K money from the divorce. She will take my hubby back to court at the drop of a hat if she knew he was making more money. We also don't have the money for an attorney and we dread going to court, even though it might come down to that.

I deal with a psycho when I deal with her and I finally got to the point to where I couldn't take it anymore. I blocked her number from the house because she kept leaving rude messages. She knew we weren't home and she knew I would hear them instead of my hubby. She believes what is in her head and no one is right but her. I just want a little control over the situation and my hubby gives in to her because he thinks that if he keeps her happy then the boys will be happy. I'm not so much against the ADD medication as long as we think it's helping him and not hurting him. He's been on it almost 2 years now and seems fine.

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I appreciate them all even if I might not agree with them. Keep 'em coming.

I hear your frustation. But as to the money. My guess is taht 401K money was division of maritial assets, which most states provide for. As to the 1200 per month, htat is for more than clothes. It is general support, which means share of rent/mortgage, food etc. As to the double insurance, there are different sides to those -- I assume you dont want to pay the pro-rata share of Xs insurance.

As to blocking calls, if the skids are there, she might be entitled to reach them.

If her messages are very abusive, I would be sure and save them in case you do end up back in court. I would definitely document, document, document, document everything. If you do feel she will take you back to court excessively, I would be careful to put assets (especially if you are bringing in a large portion of the income) in your name. In some states that doesn't matter becuase of marital property laws. I think it is a good idea for you to not communicate with her. She is your DH's problem, and you should remove yourself from the line of fire. Your only option at this point is to find out from step-father's insurance if a claim was filed and go from there. DH will most likely have to call, however, because insurance companies will usually only give info to bio parents.

Thanks kkny and lafevem. She still has a way of contacting the boys. She can call my hubby on his cell or call me on my cell and she can talk to the boys. I blocked the number because she was always calling when we weren't at home. I haven't had contact with her for a while because we were starting to get along and be friendly but it just got to be too much. I had to remove myself from the situation and told my hubby that she is his problem. I will be there for the boys and that's it. I have been saving her nasty e-mails and I do have her messages saved in my voicemail.

I understand about the child support. I just don't like her asking for extra money for things that she should be paying for as far as camps, ect. I also don't like it when the boys come over here and ask for things that they know she won't buy them. They have to earn money when they are over here and they like to because she never gives them any. The oldest was in track this year and didn't have any money at an out of town track meet. He didn't have money for food or drinks. I just wish she would appreciate how much money she gets and that we do pay the 82% of out of pocket. There are many women out there that are owes thousands in child support.

Lafevem: Thank you for completely understanding what I was saying. About everything. The "urgency" of the situation, how most "family plans" don't care how many kids are on it so if SS has half-sibs why not add him? Just like your situation. Which I also need to add that you continue to amaze me with the relationship you have with you DS's BF as well as in your step-family. For such a challenging situation, you really seem to handle it with grace and dignity. It is refreshing and inspiring!

Kkny: Your response earlier was the most compassionate and non-insinuating I have ever heard from you. Again...it was refreshing. Thank you for understanding this woman's frustration and for not judging her. I agree that CS is to cover all the living expenses on top of child care needs and appreciate the other points you addressed. I appreciate your view so much more when it feels free of judgment based on stereotyping. I do think that as lafevem said and I suggested - if the X and stepdad have children together and thus have the "family plan", then it is likely there is no added fee for the SS to be insured. If they wanted harmar and DH to pay a percentage of their insurance, they are essentially asking for BD and SM to pay for their children to be insured, which isn't fair. If the fee is the same for a family plan insuring their children with or without stepson, then there is no need for reimbursement. If both mom and dad agree that he should be on both plans and there is a difference in cost - then that should be addressed. But if dad pays for SS on his insurance, shouldn't mom pay for him on hers? I think that would be the most fair. All of our out-of-pocket expenses, etc. are 50-50 (not that she's ever paid us a dime..but at least that's how it's written!)

Anyways...thanks to everyone for being pleasant! I feel all warm and tingly inside!

Steppin_out: Thanks for the sweet words, although I definitely don't handle everything as well as I could...I am learning. My relationship with my DS BF is good, but the situation is bizarre. He pays CS ALWAYS ON TIME, and the rare occasions I have ever asked him to help with a medical bill, he complies right away...but he has alot of money and I rarely ask for any reimbursement. But, on the other hand, he does not see my son and hasn't since we divorced. When I asked for a divorce (because he was having an affair..he's married to her now), he told me if I left he wanted nothing to do with me or our son..and he meant it. I have been married to DH since my son was 4, so he considers him Dad, and my ex knows that and is ok with that. He knows my DH is a good father (I wouldn't have married him if he wasn't) and he trusts my choices with our son. Ex and I talk occasionally and I send him pics over email, but that is the extent of it. Don't ask me why he chooses not to be a part of his son's life..I have racked my brain for years, and now just accept it. But again we have cordial phone calls and email exchanges, and he and his new wife appreciate that I am not trying to bilk them for every penny I can. I think that goes a loooonnnng way toward building a constructive relationship. So again, I am learning. I still have major problems in my head with DH's ex....I just don't understand women like her..so even though I have come to terms with my own ex, I still have yet to come to terms with her. So, the journey continues.

You must be a very confident and secure woman to handle that situation as well as you did! There are always "issues" to be dealt with - in a sense your child is better off that he isn't "torn" between "BD/SD" and has, in a sense, an "intact family" yet he will probably (if he hasn't already) question as well why Dad doesn't want any part (other than financial) in his upbringing....oh the trials of psychology. I've got a similar situation myself since BM KNOWS I'm a better mom, is ok with them calling me "mom", and has told me how grateful for me she is. She really is quite glad that the kids just have a woman love and provide for them the way she can't (she just ISN'T mentally capable and she knows it - which is better than those mothers who aren't capable but are too posessive to let someone else take the reins even if it's for the best interest of their children, y'know? Maybe she has more of a maternal instinct then I give her credit for!) So the boys have a woman they view as "mom" do everything a mom should - the oldest tells me all the time "you are the best mom in the whole world" which they, like all children, deserve and if I wasn't around they'd be practically motherless! They would never know what a "good mother" does and doesn't do - and they wouldn't know how good relationships work and the roles of parents in families. Yet I know this situation will create different issues like "why was some stranger more loving and caring than my own mother?" that even the experience of a loving family with a mother and father living together won't supercede. Unfortunately. It will be a rocky road as the issues arise...I just hope we raise them well enough that they will be able to conquer any further issues their mother may cause because of her own issues.

I am fortunate that I don't have any previous children as well. THAT is a blend and a half, huh? It just makes me respect your impartiality, understanding, and dignity even more. Pat yourself on the back - you deserve it! BTW, how old is your DS? I met my SS(s) when they were 3 & 5 which is also why I thinks it's been such a smooth transition (similar to yours with your DH and DS)

My DS was 4 when my husband and I got married, and DH and I had been friends for about 6 years before we dated, so my DS has known him all of his life. He immediately started calling my DH "Daddy" without any prompting. I think he saw my two SK's calling him Daddy and he wanted to feel a part. He also tells everyone his last name is my DH's last name. He just wants us all to have the same last name. My son has really had no problems adapting to DH, he's just dad and that's it. I am sure we will have more questions to answer down the road, but so far they have been minimal. It has been a much harder transition for my oldest SD and I. She was 14 when we married and used to running the show when it came to my DH. If she said jump...he said how high? When I came into the picture, that wasn't going to happen...so (she readily admits)she sees it as power struggle. My youngest SD was 9 when we got married, so she has adjusted a little easier. Blending families is a rough road, and we came into it with his kids, my kid and our kid...so it gets bumpy. Also, my oldest SD was very resentful when I got pregnant with our baby. She refused to come to the hospital, and refused to even acknowledge the baby's presence for the first 5 months of her life. It drove my father-in-law up a wall! She has gotten better lately as my daughter is getting older and starting to have a personality, but I thought for a while she was never going to speak to her. Thanks again for the kind words and encourgement. Definitely appreciated!

Harmar:

I just saw this post, sort of out of the loop lately, but I can completely sympathize w/ your position. You can rest assured this BM's planning was calculating and deliberate. I have had to deal w/ a BM like this for years. But, instead of remarrying and losing alimony, she moved a guy in w/ her and her then-teenage children. We were disgusted. Of course, the guy lost interest in her down the road and took off again across the country (just to get away from her??? LOL.)

Anyway, don't take the criticism so hard. I was stunned here when my initial post had a first response in some severe criticism of me. I thought this was a 'support' board, mostly for stepparents. I was wrong, though there are plenty who do support others, a few who just like to stick their $.02 in to shake the rest of us.

My OB and his wife have not had health insurance for months! What started out as a temporary thing has gone on, longer than the wife is comfortable with. We are friends of theirs. My parents for YEARS didn't have health ins. My father was in business for himself, let it lapse, and then it became a habit. Premiums for both them and my Dr. became outrageous as small business owners. I'm glad your situation was temporary as it is scary to think "what if" for more than a few nights. Regardless, it does happen.

I suppose you have to abide for the 82% if it says so. It just stinks - the timing and all. However, some day these kids do grow up. Finally, I believe my 24 y.o. SD is moving out of my house! It's been a long haul. There is a brighter future if my heart can ever forgive my husband for the he!! he's put me through w/ his ADULT children. Meanwhile, the BM has done NOTHING for her kids since they turned 18 and CS stopped - wouldn't even take time to get them situated at college. Imagine not seeing your kid off to school for the first time? But, when they were younger, she played the martyr mom - what a laugh! And, she used the court system just to make us pay attorney fees, over nonsense.

Dana

Great post Vista! There are many families who have to make choices about health insurance and sometimes there simply isn't the money to pay for it. I agree with everything Vista has to say. Please keep posting.

Providing health insurance is normally specified in the divorce decree, and it is not optional. Whether you can afford it or not is irrelevant. In any case, it should be the last thing to go - it is more important than paying the mortgage or the rent.

I agree, it is not optional. Unfortunately, trying to communicate that to my stepdaughter's mother is like talking to a brick wall. My husband decided not to press the issue any further since he has insurance on the girls, however, we must pay a hefty deductible before full coverage takes effect. We do request that she pays half the out-of-pocket expenses. She bulks every time about how horrible we are...