witty responses..

23 years ago

Hi all,

I am wondering if anyone here has some witty responses for the following family members nutcase behavior problems. I am looking for something to make them think not insult because as I said its not really a problem I seldom see them. However, due to marriages, reunions and such I will see them more than often. This is more for fun than a actual problem. Here it goes:

The I now found god relative: This is the relative that ever since you have known them they lie, cheat and steal. However, now god is forgiven them and they have to tell you about it all day long. The catch here is they are religious only when it is to their benefit. They clearly do not live like a religious person in 70% of the areas of their life.

The next is the "complainer" this is the family member that never has anything good to say EVER!! This particular one when I last asked how he was told me "terrible" and than had to tell me how terrible life is.

Lastly is the cousin that has nothing to say except how much money she has, how poplular she was in high school, how she got a scholarship (mind you this is over 10 years ago already LOL). She talks to everyone like she is the only one to be able to get a mortgage, buy a car, have a waverunner, make babies. She is actually the butt of most of the family jokes!!

Again, I am looking for something to say that is witty. Since I am one of the few who can tolerate these people I often get stuck sitting next to them because everyone else has had their feel of God, Complaining and "I paid $300.00 for a bra because I can" thanks...

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Comments (7)

User
23 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
No amount if witticisms, no matter how deftly delivered, can make a dent on any of the above types. Just say "I'm happy for you, now please pass the salt" and do not respond.

If you want to make them NOT want to open a conversation with you, there are ways:

The money bragger is easy ... if she brags about her money, ask to borrow some to "tide you over". If she brags about the car, ask her to give you a ride somewhere (whereshe hates to go and will have to wait). If she brags about clothes or jewelery, ask to borrow something really expensive next weekend.

I have found that wearing a Wiccan 6-pointed star charm deters the saintly types most of the time. The rest of the time they try to save me from burning in hell.

The "complainer" can be deterred by launching a counter-complaint flood ... have one already in the can, so you can spout it at will. It doesn't have to be true, or even make sense, but whatever he has going wrong, yours is 10 times worse.
Billl
23 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Smile, nod, move on. Remember the stories to laugh about later. I'd probably just chuckle to myself if I only saw them occasionally. If that isn't you cup of tea, how about....

Fake religious people - Ask what type of charity work they have been doing. Alternatively - "You know, I think I heard Tammy faye baker say something just like that."

Complainer - "How have you been doing?" - "terrible" - cut her off - "Well you can't be doing that bad because you are looking great!" Counter every complaint with something positive or a compliment.

Braggard - high school "You know what was funny - the most popular guy from my HS showed up to the last reunion fat and bald and still expecting the ladies to swoon over him." House/car "Yeah, with these interest rates, I think you could get a house without even having a job."
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lea808
23 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Instead of witty comebacks, how about having on hand a number of other topics of conversation? Try turning the conversation around and if that doesn't work, put up with it until you have had YOUR fill of god, complaining and $300 bras. Then you have done your "good deed" for the day.

I would like to offer some thoughts on your cousin because I have been accused (unfairly) of the same behavior. I think you need to figure out whether (1) she is doing this to make others feel bad or (2) whether the people who hear her remarks are simply exaggerating offhand comments because they are insecure and jealous.

If she is just trying to be nasty and flaunt stuff in your face, just remember, even if you win the rat race, you are still a rat!!! What this little comment I got off a bumper sticker means to me is that money does not shield you from heartache, it is not the end all, be all.

I worked hard to get through college and law school for the pure joy of working hard and because I am a freak who loves tax law - about two years ago that hard work started to pay off. I grew up in a blue collar family in a blue collar neighborhood, but always had expensive taste. My mom used to always joke that I had better find a lawyer or doctor to marry (I became one instead). I am proud of what I do for a living - but also proud of where I come from and I haven't forgotten that. My "hobbies" however are ones that are expensive - travel, good food, good wine. I enjoy these things and so, on occasion, I talk about them to my friends and family. But I don't do it to offend them in any way - it's more just sharing the details of my life.

I tell you this because I have had someone recently get in my face over the fact that I bought a $100 bottle of wine - the funny thing is, I never in my life bought a $100 bottle of wine. I tried to figure out where this story came from so I could set the record straight.

The person who had a problem with the possibility of me spending my hard earned money on an expensive bottle of wine is my husband's ex-girlfriend (see my post below for more details) said she heard this from my husband (well, actually someone speaking on her behalf said that). I asked my husband about this. He was friendly with his ex-girlfriend up until recently and said yeah, he might have told her about the time we went up north to some wineries and I spent $100 on wine and he may have failed to mention it was SEVERAL bottles of wine I bought that day, the total being around $100 (it also took me nearly two years to drink it all - I bought many bottles that day because it is newer winery I really like, they don't sell it in the Detroit area yet).

I could imagine that conversation, my husband is such a tightwad, it pains him to part with money so, yeah, I could see him finding this purchase of mine unbelievable and worthy of conversation. This was when we were first dating and I have since got that cheap m#&$*#f*#ker to lighten up some and he has gotten me not to spend money like it grows on trees - I have the credit card debt to prove how good I am at that - so, in the end, it's good he is so cheap because he is getting me out of debt. I am the kind of girl who gets invited to alot of those home parties because everyone knows I am such an impulse buyer.

So the point of all of this is that, I never went around bragging about a $100 bottle of wine because I have never bought one. This action was attributed to me by someone who has her own insecurities. I think this is proven by the fact that she would even remember such an insignificant conversation and then harbor it for two years so she could spit it at me on the Internet one day.

I don't want to hurt people's feelings by bragging about money, so after this little incident, I asked my friends and my family if I do act that way, that if I do, please, let me know I am being obnoxious. So, in a way, I am glad the whole incident happened because it gave me a bit of a wake-up call and a chance to discuss this whole issue with the people I love.

Maybe your cousin is in the same boat - maybe she just thinks she is sharing details of her life and she doesn't mean to be boorish. I guess it depends on what level of relationship you want with her - if you don't really care to have a better relationship, just smile pleasantly and when you have had your fill, walk away.
britbritmay
Original Author
23 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Bill,
Again you are the man! Oh my god that was great. Lea808- I also thank you for some of your input. Most was more than I needed to know but, thanks anyway. I am trying to be understanding and just think of it as they are very insecure people OR they dont really have anything else to say I guess. Thanks
lea808
23 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Sorry! I tend to ramble on these posts when something puts me in mind of my own experiences.

Guess I could have summed it up like this - if you really want to say something not to insult them but to make them think (like you said above), try kindness instead of "witty responses." These witty responses will likely only come off as jealousy on your part.
britbritmay
Original Author
23 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
lea808- you are so right! Anyway, just something here to make you all laugh I hope. I heard today that the "religious one" knew someone who had a podium. Mr religion asked if he could buy it for his church. Dont ask why they cant buy one themselves or why they do not have one already not sure of those details. Anyway, Mr. Religion tells the person that he will take the podium and bring back the money and never does. So in fact he stole the podium. LMAO. This is why I am looking for a witty response! lol
lea808
23 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Here is something that might give you a little bit of hope for Mr. Religion - some of my dad's family in Cleveland were sort of the same way, very preachy Catholics who thought anyone who expressed any views to the contrary would go straight to hell, but then would treat people horribly the other 167 hours of the week they weren't in church. I just sort of blew it off, because I only had to see them 7-8 times a year.

Well, I don't know what is in the water in Cleveland lately, but the last time I went, oh my god, they all have done a total 180 - my cousin, who is now a tattoo artist, was giving everyone tattoos (I am now the black sheep of the family because I only have one tattoo instead of several and my husband is a total outcast because he has none) and telling some of the most shocking stories involving things that I cannot write on this post because children might be reading it!!!! It was quite a pleasant surprise - maybe your luck will change too!!!

witty responses..

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witty responses..

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Billl

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