First of all I can say many of us here understand your frustration and I think this is an appropriate place to vent. The first thing that must happen is a regular visitation schedule. And BM and BF need to learn how to deal with each other for the benefit of the child. For your sanity, I would no longer accompany STBH to pick up the child. Let him do it alone and then you are not upset and neither is your child. When your STBH arrives, there needs to be quick hugs and kisses with mom and then into the car..NO MATTER HOW SHE IS ACTING. She should not get the option to go or to stay. That is why STBH needs to have his rights in writing. Make sure she has her own established place at your home and toys that aren't bothered while she isn't there. Give her some time to adjust once she is in your home. I used to want to jump right into activities when my SD's got here...I learned they needed to unwind and adjust. Now, they get a snack, take a bath, and get into our routine. Try involving her in healthy kicking by making fun recipes that are healthy. And use a meal treat (like Burger King or a Happy Meal) as a one time incentive for good behavior during the weekend. You are going to have ignore some of the nasty comments and be the bigger person and understand where most of the comments are coming from (things she hears a her other home.) I also read that even when BM doesn't come out and explicitly say mean things about BF and his wife/GF, if she has bad feelings toward them, her children will read those feelings and will feel disloyal if they are nice or happy at dad's home. Obviously, not all BM's have issues with their ex's and their significant others, and that goes a long way toward helping children adjust, but in your case there seems to be a whole lot of anger and yelling and the child definitely senses that. I think it is great that you are seeing a therapist. INSIST that STBH go with you NOW and set down some guidelines for your home and how you will stand as a united front for the best interest of his daughter. Spend all the money necessary to continue to go therapy for as long as you need it. I would suggest involving his daughter and your son as well. Would you really want to marry a man who abandoned his daughter just to be with you? I know in my case the answer was no. You love him because he is the kind of man who steps up and wants to be his children. You definitely have a tough battle ahead...no doubut about it. But the success of this relationship depends on YOU AND STBH standing together and facing these parenting battles together. If you and STBH can work together to modify the child's behavior, you will have a happier SD and you can be a happy couple. It will be hard, but work on you and STBH getting on the same page, and then you can deal with the other issues. On the other hand, if STBH refuses to work together, support you in front of the daughter and the ex, refuses to acknowledge the behavior problems and do something about them, refuses to go to counseling, etc., then I might reconsider a wedding because life will be hell. One last note, focus on your child. This is hard on him..when SD is over, let her do something with Daddy alone, while you spend time with your son alone. Do not overlook his needs just because he isn't screaming at the top of his lungs and throwing toys. Good Luck!

I meant to say "healthy cooking"..not "healthy kicking". lol

I completely agree with what your saying. I don't really have a choice as to accompanying him to pick up or try to pick up his daughter, he had some speeding ticket things in his past and is out of a license for the next year until he pays his fines. So until then there is no other choice, and I know by telling him I don't want to go that just makes it where he can't see his daughter at all. The BM never makes visit easy she spoils her and babies her as if she is an infant. This we have talked to her about calming with the same response being ALWAYS I will not force her to go with you, blah blah blah.

Food wise, I am a pretty good cook with plenty of thanks to my mom and grandmother so I always try to make dinner fun, finger foods with goofy face's made on the plate. Just to make it look appealing makes kids more apt to eat it. I am going to school to become a teacher's assistant and am trying to use some of what I learn at home with my kids and kids in the family.

I am in therapy because I am bipolar, and not being on meds because of the pregnancy I am having to learn to cope with mood swings from every direction. This just happens to be one of my BIG BIG BIG triggers, my therapist reassures me every time that this is normal, excepting new people in our family especially in circumstances like this.

We only get his daughter for like an hour to 3 at a time, because of the ex. No, she doesn't follow the guideline's set in the divorce, never has. So when she is hear I try to give STBH and SD there time alone, and take my son off to do our mommy and me time, but STBH thinks that the only way she will ever get comfortable and friendly with me is if I spend "family" time with them. But it's hard to not let my feelings show through when she is around. I do a good job, help her when ever I can but with nothing but attitude. What's especially hard is when STBH comes anywhere close to me she gets in that whole "daddy help me, or daddy look at me look at me" anything to divert his attention from me or my son. I just have to tell him to politely just not to bother with me or my son (which is hard on everyone) as to avoid the attention getting schemes. She went as far one time to rip off her floats and jump in the pool because he was trying to play with my son too. Almost drowning herself in the process, it worked I just took my son out of the pool and we watched a movie. Explain to a 3 year old little boy why the man he thinks of daddy can't play with him with SD is around.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I really don't know if I am strong enough to deal with this. I grew up in the same situation, my step-dad's ex-wife sued him every year for more and more child support. So growing up I did with out so much because all the money spent paying for her lawyer and child support. I refuse to let my children do with out because of that women.

Is there anyone who can watch your son when you go to pick up your SD? I am sure it is very difficult for a 3 year old to witness all of this drama and sit still for that long. I am sure that makes you more tense as well. Right now you are in a delicate situation because you are unable to take your medication and you are dealing with the hormones of pregnancy. In addition, you are trying to deal with this new visitation agreement. That is alot on your plate. You have to do WHATEVER it takes to alleviate some stessors from your life for your own mental health. Does he have a friend or family member who could drive him to pick up his daughter? You are going to have to insist he spend time alone with his daughter to give you a break. The family bonding will come, but he has to establish his relationship with his daughter first since it doesn't seem they have seen each other much in the past. Bring this up with your counselor and have the counselor explain this to your STBH. I am a teacher, so I definitely would suggest using what you are learning as a TA to help your family life. Alot of behavior mods that work in the classroom, work at home as well. For example, maybe you could make a chart for your SD when she comes over. Choose 3 really easy expecations such as: eat 2 new foods, or pick up toys, or play nicely in the pool. When she accomplishes a goal, put a star on her chart and when she earns a certain amount of stars she earns a treat...Happy Meal, rent a movie, whatever works with her. I think you have to start focusing on finding some little thing she does well and really reinforce and praise that behavior. Again, your STBH is going to have to start insisting on his entire visitation time so his daughter can begin to adapt to your home. 3 hours here and there is not going to do it.
You are strong enough and you can do it..for the sake of your son who loves this man and your unborn child. But you must give yourself a break, and I think you must get into therapy with your STBH as soon as possible.

His family situation is one of limited contact, his mother died when he was 4, his father is in MD (us in FL) the closest family he has is his aunt and uncle (who really are that by distant marriage) but are like him mom and dad. They aren't very dependable them self's. They aren't bad people they just don't move out side there realm, there immediate family. So to get help from this is impossible. My entire family lives over an hour away, so they really are of no help.

Until we get those set visitations worked out with the courts there is nothing that I can do to calm the situation between everyone. I just don't know if getting married with all this doubt and hatred is wise. I mean I know I love my STBH, I have always known that he was the man I wanted to spend my life with, literally since the first day we met. But is it wise to marry with doubt and anger? The divorce rate is so these days, do I just want to be one more of those statistics? Not saying that's going to happen but still. I mean we already have a baby coming, I didn't want another child out of wedlock, but in the same I don't want to be one of those people who gets married because of a baby. AHHH it's just this came at such a bad time, had this been 6 months ago or every 6 months from now it would be different.

You have a lawyer correct ... tell the lawyer what is going on and you want a mutual drop off and pick up point ... make it the police station or school something ... where you can just pick up the child with out the mother interfering and feeding into the scene.

And if you have a video camera ... have it rolling with date and timestamp to show what is going on during pick ups and drop offs.

And as far as getting married ... if you are this resentful now it will only get worse... I myself would put it off until after the baby was born so what if you have it out of wedlock ... better than getting divorced 3 months later... breaking up is easier than divorcing.

Don't get married. Run and run fast. This little girl is 4 years old for heaven's sake! If you detest her and her mother now, just you wait until She's 13.

This whole situation is completely unfair to HER. And your son. You chose them. She didn't choose this situation. So what if she wasn't around for the first year? They were a package deal, and you knew it, even if you could pretend the problem wasn't there.

If you don't get out now, it is going to get a lot uglier.

I agree. Run as fast as you can. This is too much to take on. It's not worth it and will only get worse. Under these circumstances it would be hard to stay married b/c you're going to resent this. Get out while you can!

This is not a situation where she can necessarily just run away because she is carrying this man's baby and he is very close to her other child. She is going to continue to have to deal with him even if she doesn't marry him, and her children are going to be affected by this other child. So I don't think it is going to be easy to extricate yourself from this relationship.

Walking away completely would be the easy way out, but correct I am about to have his child. No I do not want my children growing up in that environment, and especially don't want my children growing up seeing that if she can do it why can't I.

It's hard to say to a child just because she gets away from it, doesn't mean you can. They don't understand that sort of thing when that child come to their house and acts this way and doesn't get in trouble, but they do. Children only think favoritism, they don't understand the aspects of separate parents separate parenting technique's, and me being just the STBSM I have no right according the state to tell her what she can and can't do in my own home. I am supposed to leave that to her father my STBH, I just don't believe in that sort of thing.

I am not a super strict parent, but I do demand respect please, thank you, your welcome, and everything that I expect from my son. Who for 3 years old is pretty well behaved, that comes from from having a good upbringing and a healthy environment.

I love my STBH so much, and would love to work this out with him. We talked about this, well I talked he listened (he's a quiet person) I told him that there were things he could do that would help the situation tremendously, but like him he just sat there quiet. He's the type of person that thinks ignoring things makes them go away. It's hard to walk away when you love someone, knowing that your son thinks this man is his dad and is his best friend.

Dear angelz,
I am really touched by your post and the fact that you are expecting a little baby and that you have to deal with this situation with your STBH's daughter.

I have been a stepparent for 18 years. I know you are in a tough spot, but please, please, for your sake, your son's sake, your STBH's sake and his daughter's sake, really, really think about the mariage. Perhaps it would be a really good idea if you put it off for a little while. Think about it.

Big huggs to you.

Fit-throwing brat is not your problem.
It's fiance's problem.

Angry ex is not your problem.
It's fiance's problem.

Fiance says this is a package deal & you have to put up with whatever abuse is dished out by a 4-year-old terror or her manipulative & angry mother?

That's your problem:

Until (unless) he shoulders his own responsibility here & takes control of this nightmare, your life is controlled by a 4-year-old who is in turn controlled by an angry troublemaker.

What is he *thinking*, allowing his daughter to throw toys, kick car seats, have tantrums, rip off floats, refuse food other than junk, act like a diva, reduce his household to miserable chaos?

He must feel pretty sure he's got you where he wants you:
he's spent your money on his legal fees, & he relies on you for transportation, but he says you have to just deal with whatever this tyrant toddler & her mother dish out.

Agreed, a break-up would upset your child.

But don't you realize your child is upset already?

The man he's accepted as his father has just been scooped up by another child, & your son is out in the cold just like you are.

Hormones have nothing to do with the fact that you're being used & your son is being shunted aside.

Get out of there (or pitch fiance out!)

HUGS

I would be afraid that not only is this 4 year old going to terrorize me; she is going to terrorize the more defenseless 3 year old and the totally defenseless new born.

I think you should tell FDH that you need to take a break, and one of you has to move out, and postpone wedding.

I would be concerned that he cant get his life under control wihtout you and he will end up pulling you and all the children into a hell.

I agree, he does need to get his life under control. He is not willing to compromise on the situation at hand, he thinks once a "set" schedule is issued that she will start to understand that I am here full time and so is my son. I do have such hatred for the BM, a women that has been married twice and has two kids one by each and is only 23 years old. She sues and asks for such things that make me want to scream! She gives "single mothers" like me a bad name. My finance thinks that if I leave that I will do to him what she does! I thank all that is good in this world that she is no longer able to have kids, because the two girls she has are EXACTLY like her.

I spoke with his aunt (she is like his mother) today, and she agrees that he has things he needs to do to elevate her ammo, and what she uses against him. BM is engaged to the man that she cheated on STBH with, while they live at home with her parents her two kids and looser brother. YES! Can we same serious issues, I do not believe that is normal or healthy and only makes current situations worse. Because SD will never lead a normal life having such toxic people in her life, and having mommy and grandma handing everything on a silver platter.

We just found out that two days ago that she is taking SD out of the state for week and a half! We have no idea where she is going or how she is getting there, and no number's nothing. At this point there is nothing we can do, because there was no time to file paperwork with the courts to stop her. So what because she wants to up and leave she can, but I need a break and to get away from the stress and anger I have building in me towards STBH I am a bad person. This is what he thinks.

This is my decision, it's my fault! I am being told by STBH, that he doesn't understand why I can't stay and we work this out one step at a time. I say fine! You want to take this one step at a time, what the first step. What is the plan, the consequence's of actions? What are we going to do when this and this and this happens? He just "uh uh uh" exactly you want to work on it but can't come up with something to start. I do not except things to change over night, Rome wasn't built in a day! But I do expect a game plan, what to do when problems arise. I want there to be discipline, routine's, plans about eating. I want consistency between all the children. When SD is over I will take one of the days and go over to my families for the day so he has at least one full day with her with out me. I understand I am the threat, I am the other women in her eyes. But I do expect respect on the time that I am there, I do expect him to demand it of her.

Is this so wrong?

I have made the decision I am not going to marry him, I am making plans to move out. But am not sure what and where to go from here.

His aunt told me to day that she is a firm believer in the bible, she is Christian. Something about your partner (wife or husband) comes first and foremost. Adam and Eve were made first and children came along so man could thrive. I myself am not a church person, but this did get me thinking. Kids do grow up and move out and get a life of there own. The person who will be there forever is your spouse. Shouldn't things at home be at peace with the spouse and then the kids. Because if the spouse's are fighting the inevitably there will be fighting with the kids and parents.

Am I wrong in thinking this as well.

anglez921,

PLEAssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssse .............

"The person who will be there forever is your spouse"!

Don't believe that crap. Why do you think there are so many divorces in life. If you believe that the person you marry will be there foreever .....you are in a lot of trouble and it is a good thing that some of us here are suggesting that you DON'T GET MARRIED!

Also, its not because the situation is the way it is today with your STBH that is will be that way all your life with him.

You have already talked to him about your feelings, etc. and how you think things should be. Now you made the decision not to marry and to find a new place to live with your son and the new baby. You will be happy in your new home, believe me. STBH will also enjoy visiting you a lot and slowly but surely these new arrangements will help you both get your life together. Just don't do anything in a hurry or because you are really upset.

I am sure you don't have to move out tonight or tomorrow morning. Make sure you find a place that is good for you, your son and your new baby. Do what is the most important for you and your children. Please.
Lots of huggs to you.

Keep on posting.

My DH and I are Christians as well so I understand what your aunt is saying. Biblically, the husband and the wife are the main relationship and the children adapt to that relationship. Children are expected to respect and obey their parents and that leads to order in the household. Unfortunately, these guidelines were written for intact families and when you add the equation of divorce and step-parents, it becomes more difficult. I still believe the marriage should be at the forefront, but unfortunately many BF have all of this guilt, and then they feel confrontational when you discuss their kids because they technically aren't "yours" and that leads to all types of dissension. If you and STBH cannot be on the same page regarding discipline, etc., and if he is not willing to stand up for you and demand respect, then this will never be a happy home. I really think you should all see your counselor as a couple and a family and until you have a specific game plan in place that STBH is actually implementing, I would definitely cool my heels. He has to acknowledge the issues and begin to work on them before this family can be productive. This isn't his problem, or your problem, it's an us problem and he can't sit by and let things happen around him.

Well, it's official the wedding is off and I am moving out. There is nothing to be done. Thanks all for everything you have said, I guess somethings just aren't meant to be, and this is one of them.

You're doing the right thing for your little ones.
(kkny's post gave me chills).

I wish you & your children the best.

Please keep posting and keep us updated. My heart hurts for you right now. I know this is a very hard time. And your stepfamily journey isn't over because he is still the father of your baby and in reality your little boy. So hang in there with us.
HUGS!

Thanks so much! I appreciate all of your kind words, especially yours lafevem. Reading stories and the response's everyone has written makes me understand that I need to be a bit more understand of how he feels. That this is his little girl first and foremost I can't expect him to just push her away because of the way she is being brought up (not that I am asking that). He and I were up until about 1 this morning talking, arguing, crying, and everything in between. A lot came out that even after all this time I wasn't aware of, and it made me realize, that pushing him so much is only going to make him not be as understanding and responsive as I want.

But thank you everyone for everything!

Breathe. Everything will be alright. Courage.

Keep posting.

HUGS

Do what is best for YOU and your babies. My own mother just told me today to divorce my husband of only one year after watching the hell I go through with him, the ex, SS, and in-laws. Listen to these wise women who have been there and done that.

I agree with lafevem (surprise surprise) and your relationship with your husband should be first BUT you need to be on the same page for it to last. If he is not the father you need him to be, how can it last? I am just curious of one-thing: what you expect of your son is exactly how my DH and I raise ours (my SK) and he and I are both active in those expectations, is your STBH (if I can still say that) active with your son's behavioral expectations or has that only been you? I disagree with the concept of letting SK "adjust" to your home before disciplining or leaving all the disciplining up to BD. It is YOUR home and if she is to be part of YOUR family (even if only for 3 hours) she needs to be held accountable for the same behaviors as your son. House rules. She will probably learn that it is more fun to behave and do things than sit in time-out/her room (whatever your consequence with your son). My SS(s) when first living with us told us that they "have more rules with" DH and I but they "have more fun" with us too. Pretty observational for a 5 year old. I would (if you decide to work this out) create the behavior chart and nip EVERY behavior in the bud NOW. She won't understand "adjustment time" she will see lack of consistency. You would be surprised how children can adapt their behavior to the expectations of different households.

What you need to do to get her attention so she wants to behave is to reward her for ANYthing positive she does, even if it's a pause of a minute in between tantrums just so she can breathe. Carry candy or stickers or something in your pocket as a reward and tell her "thank you for settling down, here's a sticker - good job" or at the first second she she stops kicking your seat (even if it's to grab a toy to throw) praise her for not kicking your seat, then take the toy away once she throws it. Once she grasps the concept that she gets cool things for being good (especially at 4!) she will want more. People say "she's only 4 so imagine 13 and get out now" - four-year-olds are not set in their ways! They change their minds when the wind blows! If you imagine they are little pieces of clay: they are still pliable and mendable at 4. They aren't yet hardened and if you try to reshape them, they won't break! So mold away...She will begin to understand the expectations while with dad and SM and you can wean down the reward stuff, make her work a bit harder for it - use the chart idea and give her a choice in what she earns...and remember not to leave your son out of this. DO NOT allow his "Dad" to ignore him because of some little temper-tantrum-throwing-talula! Give him stickers and stuff for HIS good behavior - chances are she MAY compete with him TO BE GOOD! Wouldn't THAT be nice!

But...back to the STBH - I think that all the things I just mentioned are only feasible if he can step up and support you in this process. This is not YOUR problem alone, and it is only HIS problem alone if he really isn't your "one" - if he is, then it is your problem TOGETHER and he needs to step up and make that happen. Counseling is a good idea. If he is a quiet, passive, person by nature then he will need coaching on how to become assertive. But he obviously needs to learn it. If he's not willing to work on it...then leave and don't look back (except for CS and visitations).

Good Luck to you. My heart is with you.

Oohhh..steppin_out....great insight about the son needing rewards for good behavior too. I hadn't thought about that. And, I bet you really will start to see them compete for those little treats. That is a great incentive. As far as disciplining goes, it did not work in our case for me to discipline because my SD's were just really beginning to resent me. Of course, they are older (12 and 17), so it would be easier to assert your authority earlier with a young child. It really depends on the situation.
Angelz921....If there is any hope for your relationship with STBH to work, please give it effort. Whether it be loads of counseling, parenting classes, whatever. You do have a child together on the way, and your son loves him and I would hate to see you not give this a huge effort. I would still wait on marriage until you see how some of the things you are facing are going to play out. If you communicate and work on things, even if it doesn't work out between the two of you, you will be better able to co-parent the children you share. But please keep posting...we want to know how you are doing.

yeah....what Lafevem said!

oh...and thanks...I just hate when people tell others to "run away" like running from EVERYthing solves ANYthing, y'know what I mean? Even horses don't run from each other and I can't think of another animal with a more severe flight reaction than that (except some humans ha ha) But anyways to me, "giving up" on a 4-yr-old is just sad and pathetic. If when I threw my first temper tantrum my mother said, "oh gosh, if she's doing this now, imagine her in ten years" and walked away instead of putting her foot down and saying "unacceptable"...I just can't imagine who I'd be today. 4 years old....these kids are still toddlers...how do you think you have no influence on their behavior? This is where it starts - she could be in a situation with a teenager doing this, (like you were, right?) then I'd say the kid is set in her ways...but sheesh...she's 4...

Well, it was a long long weekend, but we did a lot of talking. Things seem to be more at peace here. We sat down and set some guide lines as to rules for ALL of the kids! What will be tolerated and what wont be. The first and most important rule was it was to be understood that this is my home too, and she may not have to "like" me right now but she has to show me some sort of respect...i.e. not yelling at me or when I tell her not to do something do it anyway (and BD letting her). We have a list of things, I sat down and said this is what I want and expect and he did the same. We compromised on things (BIG BIG DEAL FOR HIM), he did give in on 3 really really big things that where putting me over the edge. More having to do with his ex-wife, that right there made me so at peace I was willing to work with SD and her diva attitude. BM called here last night at 10pm and we were all in bed sleeping we had been up since 5am fishing and having family day with my parents. This was something we discussed, that there are appropriate times for her to call so he can speak to his daughter (they are out of the state on vacation) but this happens all the time. He calmly said look we are all in bed sleeping and you know she (that's me) has him (my son) in bed, please respect her enough not to call after 9 because that's his bed time. Well, she wanted to cop attitude saying I was just calling to let you speak to your daughter I can't help it there's a time difference where we are right now, if it's a problem then I just wont call. He gave it back to her, telling her that she was being a b*tch and was over reacting, that if he called her really late at night she would be just as mad. That just don't call so late, that's all he asked.

This made me smile, because this was the first time he stuck up for what I wanted in my home. No one in either family call's past 8 unless important because that's bedtime routine, teeth bath's stories and relax time, no one wants to hear the phone ring and people blabbing when your trying to relax to go to bed.

~ Steppin_out and as for your comment, I do agree that running away doesn't solve anything. BUT when you allow a 4 year old into your home and one who acts like this one, it is different I wasn't allowed to say ANYTHING when it came to her. I have a 3 year old who didn't understand why she could run and scream and throw fits just because but he would get into trouble when he did the things she was doing. You can shape a 4 year old this is true but you have to be able to be ALLOWED to do so! It is different when your children are at the age that they can understand what is going on, but at 3 they do not. "why is it when daddy comes over to play with me she throws a fit and he goes to her, it must be ok to do that to get attention." When we are being sued every year for this and that, and she wants up to pay for her name to be changed back to her maiden name, she wants him to have supervised visits because she refuses to follow there original visitation agreements, this is a problem. What her little girl gets more because she was born first then the one I am giving birth to in 3 months this is a problem. She keeps asking for more money because she started going to back to school and now has to pay tuition, she has no bills because she and her two kids live at home with her parents along with the man she was cheating on my STBH with. There is no daycare because she works part-time at night and school is at night so her mom watch's the kids while she is gone. There is no rent, car payment, groceries. Her only bill is her cellphone and tuition. Tell me why I should want to have my family do without because she is one of those women who wants money money money! So don't call people sad and pathetic when you don't know the entire story. I would never walkout on my 3 year old because of his temper tantrums but I would discipline him accordingly! When it isn't your child that aspect goes out the window.

Angelz...I thought about you alot this weekend, so I am happy to hear things went well. I prayed you would have some peace this weekend. Yeah for DH for sticking up for you. We started to turn the ringer off on our phone at night because of that reason. My parents and in-laws know to call me on my cell phone if there is an emergency (BM doesn't have that number)so we keep it on as my in-laws are elderly and we want to always be available.

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND about the money situation. She made the choice to go back to school and now she is complaining about money...too bad...so sad. I think steppin_out was trying to agree with you...and you are right, you can only change a child's behavior if you have some say. It sounds like STBH is on the right track. DON'T BACK DOWN.....make sure he is keeping the terms of the agreement and call him on it if he is not. If he starts to show signs of reverting...tell him this is not negotiable. I make the mistake too often of backing down for the sake of peace, and in the long run..it just causes more problems.

Her comment on giving up on a 4 year old just aggravated me, as I felt she was implying that if I walked away I would be giving up on a 4 year old and that made me sad and pathetic. Just an angry situation being told something like that.

STBH knows I will not back down on this sort of behavior, from X and SD. BM can try and make STBH life miserable but I will not have her disrupting my sons life because she doesn't have respect for OP. I simply explained it will take a lot of time for me to be completely understanding of the current situations and he has to except and understand that there will be times where I might be angry and bitter because of something that may happen concerning the X and SD, but I will try to let things roll off my back more.

He got a letter in the mail from her attorney, and I felt the blood pressure sky rocket! I had no idea what is said but I immediately got very very mad! I called up STBH and told him about the letter, he could tell I was upset but I tried to hide it. I opened it, as he told me to and it said her attorney would be out of town sometime in September and would be unavailable for court hearings and mediation. I felt this immense calm wave over me that it wasn't more bad new. And STBH was glad that I wasn't voicing anger when I didn't know what was going on I told him that I was trying not to over react when I didn't know but I still had a long road ahead of me. Just as he does.

I completely understand about letters from attorneys. We recently had to go back to court with Dh's ex, and everytime we got correspondence in the mail, my heart would race out of my chest. Same thing when she calls. She only calls when there is some financial drama, so my heart starts racing because I know it is going to cause issues with my DH and I. Good job staying calm. I still need to work on that.

Trust me he knew I was mad, he could tell so in my voice though I choose to keep my snide comments to myself. Not an easy task when you feel such hate for someone. I don't like that word much, but for her I have made the exception. I just don't understand how a mother does not want her children to have a relationship with the father, unless he is abusive or a drug addict. He wasn't even able to spend father's day with his daughter or see her even for a minute. No phone call, no nothing. This is the same man who we went out and bought swim suits for her and her half sister because both of their bathing suits were way to small, and their mother just didn't go out and buy them. Send 90% of the gifts bought home to BM house cause he never knows when he's going to see his daughter next. It's just frustrating, thanks for letting me vent.

I know this is an older post and I apologize for dredging it up (it's a ways down the list - I just checked back to see how you were doing) and now I just want to clarify. I was in NO way insinuating that you are sad and pathetic. I want to apologize that you took me that way. I was saying how bothered I was by people saying that IF a child pitches fits at 4 then they will be worse at 14 and that is not always the case. In my eyes I think meeting a SC while they are young gives you better opportunity to NOT have a horrible 14-year-old because 4-year-olds are easy enough to change, do you know what I mean? I made the comment about my own mother to reiterate that 4-year-olds pitch fits (especially if conditioned to do so!) and that no one would walk away from their own child because of it, but I see now that that was very easily miscontrued, sounding like I was saying you were the type of mom that would walk away. I whole-heartedly apologize that it sounded that way - it was NOT what I meant. It was not an insult to you AT ALL.

Actually, there are SO many things that you say that remind me of the things in my life! How you raise your boy as well as the role BM plays in my life. My DH's X also lives at home with mommy and daddy (and younger brother in between his stupid transitions) and is in school. Some differences are: she didn't want an "other man" she just wanted to sleep around - so although her mommy offered for her ex-boyfriend to stay at their house while she was still married to my DH, she's never had a boyfriend serious enough to move in there. Oh...she also doesn't want the hassle of raising her kids (she would rather smoke pot in the basement with her dad and bro while her mom takes care of her kids) so she decided that as long as we didn't ask child support, we could have them. She filed bankrupt last October and her mommy and daddy pay for everything - car payment (they ran out and bought her a new car because the last one was a few years old!) cigarettes, alcohol, diet pills, pot, and even her college tuition. So I hear ya. My situation is just different because she doesn't care enough to keep the kids because they interfere with her 15-year-old way of life (she's almost 30!) She IS however, manipulative and vengeful so as long as we keep it pleasant, life is good. She likes her role as secondary mom with as much credit as she can take - afterall, she DID donate her eggs for them so she MUST be special. She still tries to pull crap to see if she can benefit from my DH (like the latest: trying to get a new military I.D. card for the discounts it offers!) I see a therapist to deal with my hatred towards her, so I definitely get where you are coming from. It was why I joined this forum too! In my situation I never acted as if it wasn't my place to discipline the boys (I asked DH if he was okay with me correcting them and he said yes, so it's just how it's always been) I used to teach and have a hard time sitting in the passenger seat of parenting. I feel that in MY house they will follow MY rules. I don't think that just because a woman is a SM that she needs to sacrifice her sanity in her own home because of a child. ANY child. I apologize if that came across insultingly...

I'm truly glad to hear that you and STBH are working things out. I really do wish you peace and happiness. My thoughts are with you!

Hi, there

You have just scene the script for your marriage:

Ex-wife manipulates husband.

Step-daughter manipulates husband.

Husband accepts disrespect from both.

Husband expects you and your son to accept disrespect from both.

Okay, so you set boundaries. You threatened to leave, and that got his attention. How many times is that going to work?

But eventually, it will begin to ruin your marriage.
You will hear statements like: "you hate my child", etc.

Just be aware that this is as good as your marriage is going to get. This is the engagement period...it's the part where everyone is putting on their best face. What happenes when the gloves come off?

At least you are seeing it before the wedding, so you can make an informed decision. That's all I can say. Good luck.

Steppin_out ~ Thank you so much for the apology and I am sorry I took it the wrong way. I do agree with you, hoping that being in her life starting at 3 (now 4) she will be more likely to adapt to me being around and less likely to hate me when she's 14 or 18. It might be wishful thinking I know but I can try.

The only difference between your BM and the one in my life is that she doesn't do drugs, she is works in a hospital and is trying to become a nurse so she can't do drugs as they do drug testing all of the time. But yeah her mommy and daddy watch her two kids every weekend so her and her looser BF can go to strip clubs and out to Orlando and do what they do best (act like kids them selfs). I do not condone anything this women does as a parent. My STBH called her a few weeks back to talk to his daughter, and we got the response I don't know where the girls are somewhere with my parents, I think. OH MY GOD! How many things I could point out with that were so wrong.

I believe that even if give birth to a child or give up some DNA that doesn't make you a mommy or daddy, I believe being there for your children in every way possible makes you a worthy of mommy and daddy. I am currently being threatened by my sons father saying I have no choice to tell my 3 year old not to call my STBH daddy, because he's not! I beg to differ he's not his father, but yes he is his daddy. He's been here every day without fail for my son. Even for a brief time that we split up he still made it a point to come and get him to go and hang out every weekend. That's a daddy.

Getting off subject. Thanks so much for what you said I appreciate it, and I am sorry if I seemed rude, hormones and emotions are going a mile a minute lately.

southernsummer's observations are right on the money.

Ditto. No matter how well you get along with your stepchildren, no matter how often you bend backwards to accommodate the ex-spouse, it will never be enough. In his eyes or in the ex-spouse's eyes. And with him, you will always wonder why he so quickly forgets your feelings...why is it easier for you to always compromise... Just because you weren't first?

Sometimes its hard to understand why second wives are thought of as lesser persons than everyone else...