Thank you for reminding me of Beltane. I had to look it up to refresh my memeory and it seems very apt to me esp. at this moment: The beginning of summer heralds an important time, for the winter is a difficult journey and weariness and disheartenment set in, personally one is tired down to the soul. In times past the food stocks were low; variety was a distant memory. The drab non-color of winter's end perfectly represents the dullness and fatigue that permeates on so many levels to this day. We need Beltane, as the earth needs the sun, for our very Spirit cries out for the renewal of summer jubilation. Beltane marks that the winter's journey has passed and summer has begun, it is a festival of rapturous gaiety as it joyfully heralds the arrival of summer in her full garb. Beltane, however, is still a precarious time, the crops are still very young and tender, susceptible to frost and blight. As was the way of ancient thought, the Wheel would not turn without human intervention. People did everything in their power to encourage the growth of the Sun and His light, for the Earth will not produce without the warm love of the strong Sun. Fires, celebration and rituals were an important part of the Beltane festivities, as to insure that the warmth of the Sun's light would promote the fecundity of the earth. Beltane marks the passage into the growing season, the immediate rousing of the earth from her gently awakening slumber, a time when the pleasures of the earth and self are fully awakened. It signals a time when the bounty of the earth will once again be had. May is a time when flowers bloom, trees are green and life has again returned from the barren landscape of winter, to the hope of bountiful harvests, not too far away, and the lighthearted bliss that only summer can bring.

Oh my gosh, no kidding about the seatbelts. My sister and I were following my Uncle, Aunt and two cousins who were driving their new SUV. My Uncle went to turn around on the country road and the shoulder gave way, the SUV started to go into the ditch and was just a breath away from rolling. My Uncle did some miraculous driving, and managed to keep it upright, but not after some serious bouncing about. My sister and I ran over to them and discovered that our cousins, seated in the back, had not been belted in...in Iowa the law only requires the driver and passenger in the front seat to be belted, but in the back seat, passengers over 16 do not need to be belted. They were pretty banged up, too! I was shocked, because out here in Oregon (and in CA), it's the law that EVERYONE buckle up, regardless of age and placement. I can't imagine how hurt my cousins would have been had that vehicle rolled. ALWAYS buckle up!!

Thank you for the kind words. I know this will sound crazy but having 9 kids is such a blessing and not hard to handle at all. I think the reason this has never seemed difficult to me is because I have ran a home daycare out of my home for the last 14 years. I am actually used to taking care of 12 children all day with at least one baby in the group and more often than not two (I only take two when their ages are far enough apart to give them both enough attention) so 9 seems easy to me. God started preparing me that many years ago knowing that someday my family would suddenly grow. Our childrens ages are 17,16,15,14,12,12,12,10, and 8. We would love more than anything to get full custody of all nine. We have all 9 here at least 10 days out of the month and my bio children don't spend the night with their dad except for one of them and it is only 1 night a week. I am fortunate to get so much time. I am 34 and my husband is 36. One of my concerns of having a baby is the big age difference. However, we do have some of our children including a couple of the teenagers that ask when we will have a baby, like they expect it or something. The teens are definately harder than younger children (a warning to anyone reading this that hasn't had teens yet) but I guess parenting is always a learning experience. I had my first three at a young age (my bio are the oldest three and one of the 12 year olds) and despite my young age I have always been very devoted to my children. Being a mom has always come first and it is the most important job I will ever have. I have never regretted them. They didn't mean my life was over but it was a little more challenging. I did graduate from high school and had one year of college at a Tech. school. The only thing I regret is that the oldest three have never known their dad. We were too young and things didn't work out. I then married at 21 and had a child with him and after 6 years of marriage it ended in divorce. After getting pregnant with my fourth child my ex decided he didn't want to be very nice to my other three children and also decided that being a dad period wasn't the best thing that could happen to him. I guess what I am getting at is that now I have a man who not only loves and adores me but also all of our children. I realized what I missed before and I know that we will be together forever and there is only one thing missing from our lives that we may not experience together. We both love being parents. We just don't have any memories of bring a child into the world together. Our kids are all getting older and it won't be long before something so important to us has moved on with their own lives (which is what is supposed to happen and I knew this all along) and it seems that the time for us to raise the kids in a loving stable home was so short. We will never know what it was like to not have to share our children with somebody else or get to make all of the decisions between us about them. I want to know what his face looks like the first time he sees his baby. I will never know what it was like to have someone want the child as much as I do. These are just a few things I feel I am missing. I also know there are the down sides of having another child. It seems it should be simple but there are so many lives involved and we are blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with each other and our kids. We are blessed they all get along so well (most of the time). As for his ex having another baby. I have asked myself if it made things more difficult with my emotions but I have felt this way for the past couple of years and she isn't due for another 4 months. However, I do feel sorry for the baby. Her and her husband are not very good people and I truly am not just saying that because she is my husbands ex. I am one that tries to see the good in everyone and would love to see that in her and get along with her for my stepchildrens sake but as hard as I try she tries harder to make our lives miserable even though it affects her children. I will also feel sorry for my stepchildren because I am afraid that her and her husband are not capable of treating all of the kids equal. One of my SD's have already commented about that. My husband and I are wondering if that is when the kids will be with us more. We can only pray for that. God Bless.

Dear all, Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I know I wrote a long post, but mkroopy, I do not expect everyone would understand my position in a short post. Thank you Sylviatexas, Readinglady and Justmetoo. You have been very understanding. In explanation to my position : 1. Before I got married, my parents had warned me that is anything were to happen (Inter-racial marriages in my country had boast issues like this before) I am not to return home crying when my marriage fail. I know my parents loved me and meant well, they only warned me of what would happen and they were absolutely right. but they are now retired, I cannot bear to burden them with my issues. If I am to find money, it will be on my own responsibility. 2. Like I mentioned above, by Muslim law, a wife can only divorce her husband for several reasons. You can refer to this : "Men have the right to divorce. If a man dislikes keeping his marriage for any reason, he divorces his wife and compensates her financially by paying her what is termed mut'a payment. This is in addition to the regular financial sustenance for her living, in case she has the custody of their children. Divorce becomes in effect once the husband utters or writes down any of the legal formulae of divorce such as: �I divorce you� or �you are divorced��etc. The husband can do these either by himself or through a messenger. In case it is the woman's desire to end the marriage, the situation becomes different. Her reasons might be that she has received ill treatment, the husband is unable to sustain her financially or he is sexually impotent. She can prove these defects in front of the judge, then the judge grants her divorce with a full access to all her financial rights. Also, if the husband was good to her but she does not want to keep on for an emotional reason, then she asks for what is termed khul'. This means to be granted divorce but without any access for financial rights, plus paying back the husband the dowry that he already paid on marrying her." I have made it clear to my husband that I don't want anything from him if he divorces me, but it seems like he is smart, he knows I won't be able to find a reason to divorce but for emotional reasons. I'm sure do hope that I'm wrong; I hope he doesn't want my money, after all his late wife did leave some for him. I am just like a pawn, I am only to suffer in a position where there is nothing I can do. 3. To Justmetoo, the solution you proposed was exactly what I did. Like I mentioned above, after my parents told me to ignore her coz eventually she will leave, I did exactly that. I ignored her. I stopped whatever I did before ie.plates to the dishes, pick up your mess, ask for permission first, spend your money wisely, you don't need another concert etc, MY HUSBAND DEEMED ME UNCARING. And again I say, I had established an understanding that I am not going to do anything anymore to make it better with her, unless she starts to do so herself. This are how things are now, she doesn't need my permission for anything, and in fact even if she does ask me, it is because she was told to by her father. And even if she did, it was, "I'm going out now, Ok Annie?" or "I'm going to borrow the bathtub, OK?" or "Can you send me to my friend's house later?" I know because her father asks her to do so, she knows I was the one who made the changes in the first place, so she behaves worst. 4. About her mother's things, you are terribly right. It was definitely my fault for clearing up the things. I just couldn't bear to live in the bedroom, which is the house under he name willed to the daughter (we are moving out sometime in 2013, AT LAST =( ) with no where to put my things. I felt really not at peace living here, everywhere I look it was just her possessions and reminders of her. Like I said, my Husband seemed very ignorant about how I felt. He had in fact mentioned I didn't know her and had no rights to hate her. She cheated on him and I didn't, I still don't understand why I get treated as if I was the one who did him wrong. I hate her terribly, It was because of what she did, that my husband is bitter and refused to clear up the mess. It was his responsibility and he dutifully neglected it and left me with the bitter consequences. I was told that the daughter was not very close to the parents. In fact, with both working adults and one spending too much time with someone else, a lot of things were left to other people to be responsible for. The maid handles a lot of things and she was given all she wanted so she wouldn't whine and cause troubles to her parents. Most definitely, I read her blog and she wrote that "my mum bullies me and don't support me" and "I didn't cry when mummy died." In fact, there wasn't an issue at all, until I came in the house. God knows what did she realize, but I doubt she appreciated her mother much until she realized someone else became the new woman in the house. The only thing I can think of now, is to live like nothing happened. Ignorance is not my forte, my blood boils to see her mess and her unthoughtful attitude about eating her share of food at home. It's makes me terribly sad that my husband says I don't care for either of them. I would have to save up my money wisely, study hard and start building a better life for myself in the future. Meanwhile, I would just have to take everything thrown at me. PS : My husband has mentioned in the past the one thing he wont tolerate is cheating and that consents a divorce. I can't do that, and even if I faked it, the bad would just be reflected on me. My husband is very smart of pretending like everything is beautiful and on cloud 9 in front of people. No one would believe of his character or assume something is wrong with our marriage.