Mother's Lighting The Unity Candle, How Did You Do It?

21 years ago

Ok, so the wedding is now less than a week away! I am working on those final little details. I don't want people walking away saying bad things about my wedding. I've waited 40 years for this, I want it to look very professional, organized, and ELEGANT.

I am having the mothers light the tapers for the unity candle, but I don't know how I want them to do it. Here are my choices:

1) as the ushers escort the mothers, they will walk them all the way up to the altar, then let go of her arm, and allow them to walk the rest of the way to the candle alone. They light their candle, then go back to the usher, and be escorted to their seat.

2) ushers escort mothers to their seats. Accolyte comes down the aisle and lights all the candles up front. When he is finished, the mothers, together, come from their seats and light the candles.

3) the mothers walk up the aisle together, light the candles, go back down the aisle, then get escorted individually to their seats.

The first one is my idea. I think it will look very formal, and each mother will have her moment in the spotlight.

The 3rd idea is my mom's. I don't really like this choice, because I think she would rather make her "grand entrance" by herself, rather than walking in with mother of the groom.

Any advice? Or how did you do it at your wedding, or how to you plan to do it?

thanks

Penny

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (15)

grace3
21 years ago
For the life of me I can't remember how the tapers got lit at DS's wedding!! I can't believe I've forgotten!

However, at DD's wedding the tapers were not lit at the beginning of the service. Instead, when it came time for the unity candle part of the service, both sets of parents went up to the table where the candles were. The fathers stood beside the mothers as the mothers lit the tapers. Then we two mothers went back to our seats, while the fathers stayed up in front and offered a blessing to the couple -- sort of a "fatherly" charge or encouragement to the couple (we got a lot of positive feedback on that aspect of the ceremony).

After the father's returned to their seats, the soloist sang while DD and DSIL lit the unity candle. They stayed at the table with the candles, and the MOH and BMan joined them and everyone (MOH, BM, B&G, and pastor) signed the official marriage certificate. (The soloist's song lasted for the entire signing.)
penny_sav
Original Author
21 years ago
Grace,
Oh no! Please, not another decision for me! My brain can't handle it! LOL
Your daughter's way sounds lovely, but I KNOW his father will object to getting up front, so that option is more than likely out of the question for us.
Thanks for the input
Penny
Related Discussions
How are you a good parent? How did you become one?
Q
Comments (14)
Look back on your own childhood and how you were parented. Is there a good example there? I was blessed with good parents who taught me about parenting by example. They made me feel valued and accepted for myself. Some people think they need to mold their children, make them into "something better." They mean well, bless their hearts. But you have to let children be themselves, learn about who they are, and figure out how to be their best selves. It doesn't mean you don't expect good things from them. It's a shift in thinking to "I know these kids do good things, and are capable of even more, and I'm watching for that" instead of watching for the mistakes to criticize. I have spent time with many other mothers. Some of whom I admire very much b/c of how they relate to their kids. I learn from them and try to model what they do when I notice something I really like. I remember noticing one mother whose kids were great little people, not just well-behaved, but really happy, well-adjusted kids. The thing that stood out to me was the mutual respect. She talked to her kids the way she wanted them to speak to her and to others. Of course she corrected them, but she corrected them the way an adult would *want* to be corrected by, say, an employer. With respect and a goal in mind. Once when I was preggo with #1 I observed a mother in a store, total stranger, whose kids impressed me the same way. I complimented her and asked her for insight, telling her that what she had accomplished was my goal. Every time I ask a parent I admire, it always comes down to respect. Just because they are children does not give adults the right to belittle them, rudely criticize them, embarass them, and generally disrespect them. That's hurtful, and hurt kids cannot be their best selves. It's a good idea to find a moms' group to join. That saved me when my kids were young. The exchange of ideas and comraderie of knowing you're not alone is invaluable. You'll meet parents you like, and some you don't. But you can learn from all of them. If you see your husband's anger as part of the problem you really have to find a way to address that. You still have a long road ahead, so find a way to have these conversations. Does he think he's right in what he does? Or do you think he's also confused and without ideas? I know I don't always do the right thing with my kids (ages 7, 10, 13 and 16). I try, but I have bad days. So does my DH. If I don't like the way he handles something, I tell him later, when things are calm. It has taken practice to get to the point where we know which of us handles certain situations better and we let that one handle it. I'm better at handling school stuff. When our 16 y/o gets a low grade, I remind DH to look at the big picture before he acts rash. Is this one low grade among 10 good ones, or is there a pattern? DH is better at handling DS's social life issues, he knows how a guy thinks and is better at getting to the truth with DS. Parenting takes practice, it really does. The fact that you are thinking, questioning and trying to make adjustments is a good thing; it doesn't mean you're failing. When your kids are babies and toddlers and you are physically exhausted, not sleeping, can't close your eyes or take a shower- people tell you "It gets easier." They are just trying to make you feel better for the moment. It does NOT get easier. The issues of that age pass, but it just gets hard in new ways. Emotionally exhausting ways instead of physically. ;o) Not to scare you, just acknowledging the truth of it. If you were expecting this to come easier, but it's not, it is not a comment on YOU, but rather on the challenge of parenting.
...See More
How do mother cats 'correct' their kittens?
Q
Comments (19)
Oh. Sounds a little bit like a cat I rescued. Here's the story, there might be something here that will help. Found a stray cat in my yard. About 12-18 months old, not neutered. Took him in, kept him separate from my two older female cats until after vet visits, surgery, etc. He was a very jumpy, nervous sort of cat. He jump in my lap, stay for 10 seconds and jump off. I could pet him for about a nanosecond, and then he'd turn and bite me. Hard. Never broke the skin, but did leave bruises. Forget about picking him up or holding him. That was NOT going to happen. The bites would come out of nowhere--he'd be sitting next to me and just suddenly bite my hand. Introduced him to my other cats, slowly, following every idea I'd ever read about. Didn't work. He attacked them. He'd chase them under my bed and they were afraid to come out. He'd keep them from the food and water and litter box. Attempts to place him in a shelter failed. So, because I was living in a small, one-bedroom apartment, he was confined to my bedroom. (A litter box in my bedroom, oh joy!) Every day, for about 45 minutes to an hour, I'd go in and play with him. Lots of dangling, interactive toys. Things that would tire him out. During this time, I did not try to pet him or hold him or touch him. I'd just play with him. And he got to sleep on my bed at night with me, if he wanted to. And I talked to him all the time I was there and awake. I'd read in bed before going to sleep and I'd read out loud to him. During this time, he'd accidentally scratch me while playing, or if I moved while asleep in the night. The backs of my hands and my forearms were covered in scratches for months. It took about 11 months, but one morning, as I was sitting on my bed, he crawled into my lap. I held my breath, I tell you. He sat there for at least a minute, then walked off. That was the turning point. Very, very slowly, I started to pet him. And he stopped biting. About a year and a half in, and he started to purr so I could hear. It got to the point where I'd walk into the bedroom, and he'd start jumping around, because he knew he'd get half an hour of play, and then half an hour of lap time. I'd wake up in the morning, and he'd be pushing his head into my hand to get ear rubs. Sadly, despite my best attempts, I could not get him to stop attacking the other cats. And he learned how to open doors. After the third vet visit for an abscess for my older cat, I had to find him a new home where there were no other cats. So this might sound like counter-intuitive advice, but maybe confine him to a smaller space for a few months. A big house and big yard might be frightening to him. Everyone in the house should agree to not pet him, not pick him up. Let human contact be on his terms. Two play sessions a day. Lots of talking to him. If he bites, everyone should use the exact same correction--a hiss, a bop on the nose, and then remove yourself from the cat. (Or whatever correction you choose.) I think it is very important to be consistent. It will take a lot of time. It took over a year before my cat was anything close to "normal" for a cat. Yours is younger, so maybe he will be able to change more quickly. But I don't think there is a quick fix for this situation.
...See More
Unity Candles at outdoor ceremony
Q
Comments (10)
I have a different version of the Sand Ceremony. We are also having an outside ceremony and opted for to use the Sand Ceremony. Our version incorporates Christ (if your niece is religious). Here's it is: Sand Ceremony Minister: "Bride and Groom, you have just sealed your relationship by giving and receiving of rings and this covenant is a relationship pledge between two people who agree that they will commit themselves to one another throughout their lives. You are committing here today to share the rest of your lives with one another. Today, this relationship is symbolized through the pouring of these three individual containers of sand into a fourth one. One, representing you, Bride, and all that you were, all that you are, and all that you will ever be. One, representing you, Groom, and all that you were, all that you are, and all that you will ever be. The third one represents Christ, all that He is and all will forever be. As these three containers of sand are poured into the fourth container, the individual containers of sand continue to exist, but a fourth entity is also created; on which did not exist before but one which will forever more continue to be. Just as the individual grains of sand can never again be separated and poured again into the individual containers, so your marriage will be. (Minister pours the Christ layer) This layer represents Christ who is and always will be the foundation of you both as individuals. Bride, pour some of your sand which will represent you as an individual. Groom, pour some of your sand which will represent you as an individual. (Minister pours more of the Christ layer) This layer represents Christ as the foundation of your marriage. Bride and Groom, now pour your remaining sand into the container together to represent the joining of your two individual lives into this union of marriage."
...See More
Do You Have Mother's Day Plans?
Q
Comments (39)
As long as I get some strawberry shortcake I'm happy. Going to my oldest's for dinner. They asked what I want and all I could think of was asparagus or brussel sprouts. Need to think of an entree . I'm just happy I'm not the cook . It's been wonderful my youingest daughter has been cooking since I started chemo and trying new things. Seniorgal, the drive sounds wonderful . Growing ue we did Sunday drives with all of us piled in the car . Drives through North Jersey with fall colors and stopping for apples or ice cream. Some nice music on the radio ... have a wonderful ride today . Whether it's time to yourself or spending with family , I hope all of you enjoy Mother''s Day !
...See More
duckie
21 years ago
Typically, when the MOB is escorted in, that is a signal that the procedings are about to begin. It is kind of like the lights dimming at a performance. Not part of the performance, but the signal that things are now going to happen.

So, the lighting of the tapers will have greater importance if it is not done as part of their entrance, but as it's own thing. If the lighting is done as part of their entrance, however, it might be easier for stage fright kind of feelings. If you do have the lighting as part of their entrance, you will need some other signal that things are about to start. You don't want to have guests chatting quietly unaware that the ceremony has already begun.

One other thought..."The 3rd idea is my mom's. I don't really like this choice, because I think she would rather..." If that idea is hers, it is probably the idea she would like, or she wouldn't have expressed it.
kathyg_in_mi
21 years ago
My DD did #3 and it worked out beautifully. The fathers were to walk up with us, BUT my DH forgot he was supposed to go up with me! He was too overwhelmed with walking her, his only DD, up the aisle! All ways have to have something turn out just not right. The only ones who noticed were the bridal party and one guest. No big deal!
Kathy G in MI
Snapdragon
21 years ago
We had the tapers lit before the ceremony. My husband and our priest lit them, so I don't know how it's done with Mother's doing it. But I'd go with having them escorted up front, left to light the candles, then escorted to their seats.

As was mentioned, it's a sign that things are starting when the mothers are seated.
springbride04
21 years ago
Penny--I can't believe how fast time is flying--6 days!!

Here is what I think we are planning on going with:

As soon as all of the guests are seated and just before the seating of the special family, the candlelighter will light all of the candles on the candleabras. Then all of the special family and grandparents will be seated.

Next, MOG will be escorted down asile by G (not my choice but I suppose it will work) and will remain standing at her seat until the MOB is escorted down asile by my younger brother (GM) to her seat. The G and GM will remain standing at the mothers' seats while the two mothers together walk up to the table where the unity candle and the family candles will be. They light the family candles at the same time and then walk back to their seats. The G and GM will then exit.

Goodluck!! Springbride04
OshkoshBride
21 years ago
Is a unity candle necessary? My mother will be walking me down the aisle and she has expressed that she does not want to light a candle. I know the MOB being seated signals the start of the ceremony, but in my case would it be the MOG being seated? I really don't want my stepmonster to have those honors. She and my bio dad are coming from another state and are not helping with the wedding at all. Except to tell me what flowers to order her and what color.
I guess I am touching on several topics here...but is it OK to not have the unity candle? We are doing the blessing of the hands which I thought would be in place of that.
grace3
21 years ago
It's your wedding...if you don't want to do a unity candle, then don't. The unity candle is a fairly recent addition to a wedding ceremony...

Anyone have any idea when they first "made their appearance?"
sweet_pea10
21 years ago
I'm a wedding coordinator. We usually use option 1 or 2, depending on the preferences of the bride. Personally, I prefer option 2. I think it looks a bit more unique and many moms don't like to be the center of attention by themselves. They like the support of the other person. I would definitely not like option 3. It will take more time and it may look a bit disorganized (Didn't we just see her? Why is she coming in again?)
snoopfan
21 years ago
I was surprised when our priest said that the unity candle is discouraged in many catholic churches because it is not a part of the wedding/mass. Has anyone else run into this?
Snapdragon
21 years ago
We had an anglican (Episcopal) service and our priest was more than happy to let us do the unity candle. He explained it to the guests as symbolizing myself and Jim (DH) as joining together in God to be one flesh, yet separate (we left the tapers burning after lighting the central candle).

We also had our hands bound together by the priest with his stole and he declared us married with the "What God has joined together, let no man rend assunder" part of the ceremony, just before we lit the unity candle.

It's by no means NECESSARY to have the unity candle, though! My priest left it totally up to us if we wanted one or not. I just decided I liked the symbolism (above) and my husband wanted to do it.
Leisu
21 years ago
I have never seen nor heard of a unity candle before.
spewey
21 years ago
That's odd, Snapdragon. Our priest, also Anglican, told us he wouldn't allow a unity candle while discussing the service. Neither of us had heard of it, so that was fine. We didn't even have candles on the altar, since there was no Eucharist.

I've never seen such a custom either.
jatkinson60_yahoo_com
14 years ago
my mom and dad are both deceased, so my son is wakling me down and my sister is standing in for parents. i would like my mother-inlaw and husband to light a candle and my sister and son to light one and center candle for me and my new husband to be to light one. please tell me how would you do this? my new husband and i can light ours after the ceremony and the others light theres before. what do you suggest?
sweet_pea10
14 years ago
I would suggest that the MIL and husband be escorted to their seats, then your son could escort your sister in. When they reach the end of the aisle, the MIL and husband stand and the four of them light the tapers. Your son can then exit and join you at the back.

Mother's Lighting The Unity Candle, How Did You Do It?

Comments (15)

grace3

penny_sav
Original Author

Related Discussions

duckie

kathyg_in_mi

Snapdragon

springbride04

OshkoshBride

grace3

sweet_pea10

snoopfan

Snapdragon

Leisu

spewey

jatkinson60_yahoo_com

sweet_pea10

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Mother's Lighting The Unity Candle, How Did You Do It?

Comments (15)

penny_savOriginal Author

Related Discussions

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

penny_sav
Original Author