Jane - it's not uncommon for someone to make unsupportable statements, then treat them as fact and build an entire case around them. It happens on every active forum every day of every week. I'd like to take 4 paragraphs you wrote and use them to illustrate the difference in how we think. Your offerings are in bold and I'll comment intermittently. I have seen more underlit plants than I care to mention. Those plants lanquish and eventually decline. Plants growing in light that limits their potential ("underlit plants") needn't necessarily be in decline. Decline is a condition during which a plant is using more energy than it's able to produce - nothing more than that. It's entirely possible, and it happens very often, that a plant we might consider unsightly due to it having received less light than it needs to keep it looking good (from our POV), is able to sustain life and growth under light conditions insufficient to keep it looking as attractive as we would like - indefinitely, as long as it's life span isn't limited by the fact the plant is an annual or biennial, or by other potentially limiting cultural factors. Many people mistake the label, 'low-light plant' or 'shade,' without realizing how much light is lost by having a plant too far from a window. If a plant stops growing, it is not producing roots which uptake water. Without growth doesn't matter what a plant is in. I promote light first and foremost. First, "A[ny] plant that is not growing is dying" ~ Alex Shigo, PhD; this, because growth is a byproduct of the plant's ability to make more food than it needs to keep its systems orderly. A plant that is too far from a window to keep it looking healthy can still be growing and producing roots. Even if the top of the plant seems to have stalled, the roots can still be growing because root growth always precedes top growth. Also, it does matter "what a plant is in" if it's not growing because in most cases a lack of growth is directly linked to inhibited root function, which is very often related to limitations inherent in poor media. I have no argument with your recommendations to people who choose to use a grit mix. I think its good. But the majority of people who have multiple house plants are not going through the effort to put it together. A very quick scan of any of several fora will clearly illustrate otherwise. They will just continue to stick their plants in Miracle Grow. This is also untrue. While you focus on labels like the gritty mix and the 5:1:1 mix, I focus on helping others implement a concept, the effectiveness of which you can't question because you regularly note it's superior to methods you use. Growers implement the concepts I espouse with great regularity - primarily because it makes so much sense to do so. I suggest a alternative using bark or perlite to keep the mix from clumping and enhancing the drainage. Drainage isn't enhanced to a notable degree until the threshold that's been described in many conversations is reached. It occurs when there aren't enough fine particles to fill potential air spaces between larger particles (the BBs and sand analogy). And how is a 1:1:1 ratio of bark: peat or potting soil: perlite better at preventing "clumping", something I've never had to deal with. These same people are not going to get involved in perched water. This is very important: They ARE involved with perched water. If your medium supports it, you're involved with it in a direct relationship based on how much of it there is. I'm sure to your eyes and ears this is horrifying. Not at all - I'm a realist. But it is what I deal with on a daily basis with both orchids and house plants. Its my reality and I have found my alternative is simple enough for them to follow. It is also less expensive for them. It takes exactly the same amount of thought and effort to locate and mix the ingredients for the 5:1:1 mix as it does for the 1:1:1 mix you suggest because the ingredients are exactly the same - they're equally simple mixes. The 5:1:1 mix is actually LESS expensive because it utilizes a larger fraction of low-priced pine bark and a smaller fraction of higher-priced potting soil ..... and it's lighter. My plants do not seem to have a problem with perched water. As I noted previously, they DO have a problem with perched water, in that it is sapping potential. You might be perfectly happy with the state of your plant's vitality, but you can be sure that anything that limits the roots oxygen supply limits root function limits the plant and robs potential. We all know the 5:1:1 mix supports some perched water and that the 5:1:1 mix already includes some compromise to extend watering intervals. Therefore, it would be unreasonable to ask growers to believe that a medium with a much higher volume of fine particulates doesn't hold perched water and that the perched water it does hold has no impact on the root system's ability to function w/o limitation. As I said, the roots fill the base of the pot and will grow out the drain holes. I would think that would not happen in a mix holding too much water. Why would you think that? When the soil dries sufficiently, more or less normal root growth resumes, and some roots will grow outside of the pot. When roots die from hypoxic conditions, it's always the finest roots that die first - the ones that do all (ok - 90%+) of the work. The most significant loss is in the constant death and regeneration of the finer, nearly microscopic roots. To replace the roots killed by soggy soils (so the plant can return to 'normal' function) is an expensive outlay in terms of energy - energy that would otherwise have been directed toward more blooms, fruit, longer branches, more leaves, or a simple increase in biomass. IOW - lost potential. The roots would rot and would not grow into the base of the pot. Roots DO rot and die, it just happens that it's the fine roots that easily get overlooked that take the hit. That is not what happens. It actually IS what happens, but this is another case of someone floating an explanation that doesn't fit the observation in order to refute something we know to be true. Perched water IS limiting and the more you have the greater the limitation(s). I hope everyone is enjoying their Saturday - raining off & on again here in mid-MI. Al

Last year, first with Florida Weave, I confined the side branches and the hedge of plants ended up about 12-16" wide; except when the plants outgrew the height of my FW, and then all hell broke loose. I started the first "rung" very low and when the plants were taller, the first rung was moved up. The bottom most rung ended up about 2' from the ground. I then pruned all side branching that was below that rung. I was very happy with the results, although I wish my posts were 15' high. The indeterminates outgrew their happy homes. My rows are about 5' apart and soon I couldn't walk down the rows, nor access the tomato plants. I ended up needing to top the plants. This year, I was all prepared for a similar experience. I added all of the "rungs" first thing in the season to ease the labor. Trying to weave around monster plants was frustrating. So, I figured if I placed the rungs early, all needed from me would be the confining. That task is so time consuming with 55 plants, anything to speed the process is good for me. I placed four rungs total on 7' T posts, 5' above ground. Admired my work, all proud of myself. Then a hail storm hit and snapped every main stem; topping my plants. These plants had been started in Feb. and March, so were of decent size. I plant deeply. The plants were between 6" and 2' above ground when the storm came. My plants no longer have a straightish/main stem to direct growth. So, now I have these sprawling beast-like, slightly angry plants because the hail also knocked off every flower. Now I'm in new tomato growing territory. I had to add a fifth rung between the original bottom-most and second from the bottom rung. Confining has become a bit more cumbersome, because the side branches are now so large. The plants seem happier with the extra support, which makes sense. Perhaps next year, I'll add five rungs instead of four.

Thanks for all your kind words everyone. Mattie I'd like to say you can drop your DH off anytime when you need a break, but I really don't think it's my place to make that decision so just check with BM ok? ;-) I checked for the Alanon but there's none in our town, only 2 hours drive away. FDH has kept the message that BM sent, in case we need it later on. I've talked to FDH about trying to get the court order changed and ask for full custody, to make it official. He thinks it's better to wait and see if SD is actually going to stay with us first. The most important thing is that she's with us now. He's not that worried about the custody issue because he really doesn't believe it makes any difference. Even if we were to get it, nothing stops the kids from going back to BM's when they choose to do so. They're old enough to make that decision. Even when they were only 10 and 12 the court already determined the girls should be able to choose where they want to stay, hence the flexible order. Also, trying to force SD13 to come live with us will not work, she would NOT come and stay with us. At least now she's coming EOW which is better then nothing. SD14 has figured out what is what, we are hoping SD13 will do the same. Forcing the issue will push her away, but being supportive will hopefully draw her closer. So SD13 is still with BM, she's feeling the pressure now and recently tweeted that she feels she can't do anything right. Of course she hasn't been going to school again this week. We are still waiting for a reply from the principle to FDH's letter. This Friday it will be 2 weeks since he got it (I would expect a response within 2 weeks, that's reasonable right?). I guess FDH will have to ring him and follow up if he doesn't get a response. SD14 has been adjusting really well at our place. She's in a routine now and it's only been 2 weeks, I'm so proud of her. She goes to school, she does a couple of shifts every week at the Fast Food Place, she's going to bed on time, she gets up early, eats breakfast now (that was a hard one :-) and she's started doing her homework, even without us telling her to do so! Wow, that's so impressive isn't it?! She's missing her mum and siblings, but she's also still angry at mum for kicking her out (BM really lost it that day and did some nasty things to SD). She would like to go back but she wants her mum to call her first. This will be a long wait. BM will never call her first, she CANNOT ring. She's already given SD13 a note to give to SD14 at school, but the note only said something about a message that SD's boss left with BM and "I love you sweetheart". This is BM's way of saying "Please come home and I'm sorry" but without saying it of course. And SD knows it and doesn't think it's good enough. She really wants her mum to call her so they can talk about it. But BM cannot talk about things, only deny and pretend it's all good again, till next time.. So I'm not sure what will happen next, but I think it's what JNM said: "I wouldn't be surprised if this has blown over in a week and nothing more is said. Then in 6 months it will happen again. Lather, rinse, repeat." We have had a few conversations with SD14 to get her to think about making a decision for herself, for her own good. To live with us and spend f.e. weekends at BM, so she can stay in a routine. Instead of going back and forth like she has been. We try not to pressure her, but at the same time we do not plan on becoming the 'dumping ground' either. I'm thinking SD14 will make the right decision.

Well, so far things are better... I had a talk with DH that seems to have opened his eyes a bit. I explained that I have so many other things on my mind, the housework & even SD's attitude are low on my priority list. I told him that I am fine with her attitude & not liking me, but I'm not fine with having someone give me an ultimatum when we are supposed to be partners. I'm not going to let SD be on of our "issues". She does not have to like me but I also explained to him that it goes both ways, I don't have to DO things for her so when she says I'm being "mean" to her, it's just HER perception because I'm not offering to do things for her nor giving it any energy when she wants/needs things. She has a play this week & needs a costume. She started whining to DH last week about it and he has said several times he doesn't know what to do about it because she hasn't told him what KIND of costume she needs. Normally, I would jump in (because it's a mommy thing to do) and find out from the teacher what she needs & get it for her. Instead, I have let HIM handle it. I have not said a word and when he asked me what he should do, I could only tell him that I think he should put as much energy into seeing that she does her homework & study for her tests as he does in finding her a costume. She has a D in PE because she took a 0 last week. She got an F on her report for the play she is in. Personally, I don't agree with the way the school gives points & grades... her math teacher gave 20 points for kids that brought food in for the canned food drive. Really? Of course, I am mean Ima & said no when she asked if she can take canned food to school. I donate directily to the food bank so why give her extra credit points when she's not doing her homework? Anyway, the only input I would give on the play costume is that it's HIS thing because SD isn't talking to me and I think she should worry so much about the rest of her grades as she is about the costume. He agreed. I won't do anything for her... except driving her to her bus stop. I agree Amber that if I weren't around, he would have to leave work or figure it out. The other option would be to have him get his mom (who doesn't work & is on SD's sied against mean Ima) go pick her up, which if fine with me but SHE says she's too busy all the time so DH doesn't want to ask her. She will do it, but then piss & moan about why can't Ima do it? That's just another headache for me that I don't want/need. But, I agree it's not MY problem. "I had hoped your SD would act/behave like mine for a couple weeks anyway ..." It would be nice for her to be pleasant & she has been... in her way. She came home from BM's last night, cheerfully said "HI!" to me and I said Hi. Then she went in her room, got ready for bed & came out to say goodnight to DH & said goodnight to me. Then this morning, back to not talking to me. I don't know if she sincerely wants to be nice or if she is forcing herself. I get the feeling that she throws out a nice, friendly hello or thank you so when she is crying about how mean I am to her, she can say she TRIES to be nice to me. I don't know? It's not very consistent or sincere so I don't know what to make of it. I am friendly when she is friendly, I ignore her when she ignores me. I don't go out of my way to kiss her @$$ so she will like me because I think if she wants to like me, she would be sincere and not use me to get attention from everyone by making me the villain while she is my victim. I did tell DH that when she thinks I'm being mean to her, it's just me treating her the way she treats me... and he can tell her that. (and if HE ever thinks I'm being mean to her... he needs to come talk to me about it & not jump on me based on what SHE tells him) As for her being nice to me for a couple of weeks, I prefer her to be sincere. If she is going to fake being nice just to get something from me... and then go back to backstabbing me, I'd rather not have two weeks of fake BFF niceness from her. But, I will take cordial pleasantness, fake or real. Unfortunately for her, until she proves sincerity, I just assume it's fake. That makes me sad but it's the way it is. As for my son and DIL, I know everything JMT said is true & that's why it's upsetting to me. Realistically, I may be worrying over nothing. My DS came home for the holidays two years ago & I backed off to let him take care of his son for the two weeks he was here. It was too much for him then & the baby was only 21 months old. DIL has had the opportunity to spend more time with DGS than she has but has made excuses... has to work, wants to go out, etc. and in the last 6 months, I have provided the majority of transportation for her... taking DGS to see her and picking him up. Even then, she complained that I was an hour late picking him up after she hadn't seen him for a month. Then she went 6 weeks without seeing him and has seen him ONE time since getting out of rehab three weeks ago. I am taking him to see her this next weekend because we are going to a party near where she lives. Otherwise, I don't think she would see him. Those are not the actions of someone that wants 50% shared custody. When I visited my son in March, he said how he missed DGS before & was going to miss him more when we were leaving. I asked him if he wants to keep him & he said it was too much for him. He didn't think he could handle it by himself. So, realisticaly I don't know how serious he is about taking over full time. I would be happy to have him take a few days a week when he returns but leave him "living" in my home where he is stable... at least until he (my son) adjusts and is able to handle full time. It has to be a transition for DGS sake and my worry is more about DIL wanting to move back to the area when my son comes home. They are like oil & water. Separate, I get along good with both of them but when they get together, DIL goes psycho. She gets jealous, insecure, & starts fights... then plays victim. She has been arrested for domestic violence on him a few times but the DA never ressed charges. She claims she is the victim. They need to stay away from each other & my only job is going to be to keep DGS from being pulled into the middle of it & have him be the pawn they use to hurt each other. My mom went to Stanford for a second opinion. They did a CT scan & told her she has 5 cancerous lesions on the surface of her liver. The prognosis was more positive than her first doctor gave her. I guess her first doctor didn't spend much time explaining it to her so she didn't have a lot of confidence and was stressing out. and for holiday plans. So far, DH hasn't said anything about going to his parents at all. I'm not going to worry about it. I bought them a gift & will drop it off to them if they don't invite us over... or will send with him if they don't invite ME over. He is free to go without me. :) My niece is getting married on Christmas Eve on our property so I will probably be helping with that as well. My dad is planning to take his lady friend (he doesn't call her a GF) to dinner on Christmas day. She is spending the morning with her kids. I plan to stay home & spend the day playing with DGS unless DH wants me to go with him to his parents. It would be more pleasant to stay home than spend the day with MIL but I also don't want to put DH in a position of having to explain my absence... unless I go visit my mom. Honestly, they don't care to see me but would talk crap to DH if I don't go. LOL, they will probably talk crap whether I go or not.