I don't understand why Dad is visiting his son two nights a week at his ex-wife's house? It can't be because of supervised visits if child is allowed weekends at your house. Why is this occurring?

Second, what would DH do/say if his two younger children behaved this way? Say 3 yr old reaches over and digs his nails into 18 month yr old? How does Dad handle that? Is the behavior ignored? If you scold 3 yr old for doing that and 3 yr old cries, does Dad 'comfort' 3 yr old and give you the 'death look'? What happens when 8 yr old decides he wants to be mean to the upcoming new born?

I see part of your problem being Dad. Dad's failing as a father to his two younger child and he's not doing any favors to his older child either. Why would he want to teach his son it's ok to mistreat other people? It's what he is doing whether Dad sees/acknowledges it or not. What happens when 8 yr old goes to school and digs his nails into a classmate's face? Is Dad going to give the principal the death look and comfort his crying son who got in trouble over the incident?

It's not so much that you should not discipline the child, but that Dad should be. There is a big difference between an 8 yr old and a 3 yr old. SS should have some toys of his own at your home so that his 'toy' is not taking things from your youngest son and mistreating him. I will assume child takes the toys to be mean as most 8 yr olds would not be much interested in playing with toddler toys. The toys they may have in common should be shared and taking turns taught while the children play together.

Is SS an only child at his mother's home? Does he know how to relate to other children in a home situation? What would Dad have done if he saw the finger incident instead of you? It's very hard for one of three children to be 'the weekend' child. The younger children live there all the time, have their routines and are learning and being taught to exist together from the get go. Not so for weekend child.

You also have Dad thinking it's perfectly ok for his oldest son to ignore and pretend you don't exist. Dad should be teaching child to respect you in your home. No your not child's mother, but child is in your home all weekend. How does Dad think it's going to work if child does not have to even acknowledge you. It's not surprising kid will not talk to you or pretends you don't exist if you are the one always stepping in when the children fight and/or the only one enforcing good behavior. Kid will see you as the evil one who poops on his party.

Thanks for reply. My step son has plenty of toys at our house of his own but persists to play with my son. My husband visits twice a week because he wants to see his son. Has nothing to do with social or anything just something he wants and his ex says yes too. He is an only child and yes does rule roost in his mothers house. My husband does treat him differently and does not place boundaries. With 3 children of my own I have rules and boundaries as it would be chaos without. If my son hurts my daughter yes husband will give him time out. My husband can't see that he is probably the main cog in the problem as he treats his son differently. For example... This morning I'm upstairs and my 3 ur old is being forced to give step son everything by husband. I've taken my kids out on my own today as I can't bare it at home ;-(

I see a problem with DH seeing his son at ex's house. Unless there is legal reason for that it needs to stop immediately. What type of arrangement is that?

I think SS dislikes you because he is getting mixed messages from his parents, dad is visiting mommy and mommy's house twice a week, and they play house and SS is happy. Then all of a sudden he has to go somewhere else and see daddy with a different woman and other daddy's kids, of course it is upsetting for a child so he acts out with you and the kids. Why is your DH doing it and why are you tolerating it?

Your DH is creating this problem.

I can stop him seeing his son. It's something he wants to do. I can't force him too. Please don't think I am happy with this arrangement or support it because I don't. But he won't change it. It's been a huge struggle just to get it down to 1 day. I can see how it would back step son confused. But he's 8, surely he gets it or am I fooling myself?

There is nothing wrong in your DH wanting to see his son. The issue would be where he wants to see him. Yeah, I 'got' he wants to see his son, but the normal thing would be to pick son up afterschool and then take son back to Mom's after dinner.

Many father's do this. They get one or two weekday evenings with their child. That part is normal. The playing house and Dad going to see him at Mom's house is not. PO1's correct on that being extremely confusing to the child. Heck, no wonder he is a brat on weekends...I'm sure he'd rather have Dad come over to his and Mommy's house where he has his parents together and no stepmom with rules and other kids to annoy him and have to share with.

You DH has a parenting plan with visitation rights, right? I mean where court agreement says Dad gets his son x and x a day blah blah. Unless there has been ordered supervision (which there has not been as kid comes unsueprvised during weekends) then Dad can and should be picking child up.

This little boy should be coming over, spending a few hours during the weekday evening visits, eating dinner with his half sibling (and you) and then being taken back to his mom's house. IT would also help the kids spend more time together for learning how to relate as a family.

Ok. If I were you, I would sit the DH down and put a stop to the house/family playing going on during the week. Even if it is all perfectly innocent, it send way too many mixed messages to this child. Then you and DH discuss and outline RULES and consistant discipline that will be expected for all children in the home. Age of course considered. 18 month olds are not necessarily disciplined exactly as an 8 yr old, but they all can and should be disciplined (example, taking a toy away briefly, time out, sent to room blah blah).

Secondly after the rules and discipline outline, consider taking the D*mn toys away that are causing such problems. Put the things away in the smaller children's room during the times SS is present. They can't fight over that things if you remove the issue. That is not to mean the smaller kids should not have toys and play while SS is there, but take the friction causing ones and put them out of sight out of mind. Maybe you and DH will have to be creative and actually play with children and or do things together as a family (whether it be take walks, watch family friendly movie, read books whatever...just something that takes the stupid materialistic things away and helps you all bond as a family).

If DH bulks at any and/or all of the above, I'd say he's really not all that into being a father to his younger children nor a husband to you. You're not asking him to 'choose' between one son and the other kids/you, you're telling him that this is his family (SS included) and it's high time your household be ran like a home and a family. Your hubby needs one heck of a reality check, trouble is, be prepared that he is not perhaps going to like it. You just might hear that he likes things exactly as they are. If so, then it is truly you that will have to stop and think about your future and the health and well being of yourself and your child. It sure sounds like you're putting all blame on this child (SS) and the more you post the more it sounds like SS is the least of your problems.

Why does your husband refuse to change the weekend evening routine? First you said two, last week you changed it to just one. Whether it's one or two, it's not ok...it's not ok for you and it's not good for the SS. Either he's to be a part of this family (yours) or he is not, Daddy seems to like having it both ways.

I agree you should not stop him from seeing his son, why would you? But he does not need to visit his exwife because that's what he is doing weekly or twice a week.

Visiting exspouses houses on such regular basis (I understand once in awhile or special occasions) is a bad idea. It is not only confusing for a child (and it explains his attitude with you) but also very bad for your marriage and other kids. Do you realize how unhealthy it is?

He is 8 and of course he gets it, but what do you want him to get? The reality is that his dad is not living with mom but comes visits her quite often and then goes home to some other lady. What does kid suppose to think, he sees what he sees, daddy has 2 families. And you are an intruder.

If there is an issue with SS coming over then there are other venues where one could see his child, surely not at exwife's.

I understand you can't force your DH to stop visiting his ex, but you can control your actions. He's been going there 3 times a week yet you married him and have 3 kids with him! All while he goes to ex's house every other day? I have hard time wrapping my mind around it...

This is a situation we also dealt with in the beginning. We were trying to keep things normal but what it ended up causing was trouble for Dd when it stopped so suddenly because her father's gf at the time did not like it. I don't blame her. What it taught 5 yr old Dd was that she preferred our family time and hated dad/gf family time. At 5 she was doing the 'I want daddy to come tuck me in too'. It broke both of our hearts so he would do it. But I saw eventually what we were causing for Dd to do was HATE going to dad's house. Because someone else other than mom was there. It's two lives. One with what she felt was her 'real' family and one where she hated because there was someone playing mom that wasn't mom. Had to just stop it completely and separate the two. This is mom's house with mom's family. This is dad's house with dad's family. The two do not co-mingle and that's that.

Dad needs to stop going to mom's. It's almost like having a mistress with child that he has to go check on nightly. He can bring SS home once or twice a week and return him at 9pm or the next day. My ex had my daughter thursday- Monday eow and every Thursday-Friday during school.

It honestly sounds like mom might be requiring this is the only time he spends with son during the week and no court would order he spend time with his child and ex at ex's house once a week. Lol ridiculous.

Ss lives an hour away so the logistics of him coming to us after tea for abit doesn't work. I've asked husband to tdke him out rather than b at the house but he always ends up at the house. He claims she goes out but I know this is not always the case.

Trust me I do remove the offending toys if they squabble. We do go out together and join in with them but ss still ends up picking on my son. As for my daughter she's completely left out loop when he's here and she's much happier when he goes as she gets brother back.

I have talked to hubby and said he needs to discipline his son rather than me and he admitted he doesn't like it when I do Cos kid gets upset.... Well duh he's in the wrong and been busted of course he's going to cry!
My husband expects me to magically fix things and come up with solutions. I've told him I'm not the problem he is! Men arghhhhhh!!

For years I've been telling him that him going round there is faking the kid up but he won't have it.... You'll all hate this... He used to stay until kid fell asleep and then leave which I made him stop as son thinks he still lives there. Now he makes sure he leaves when son his up still.

As for being criticised for him going round there and marrying him and having children with him it's based on that delicate thing called trust. If I didn't tryst him I wouldn't be with him. And in my heart of hearts I genuinely thought 5 years down the line he wouldn't still be going round during the week

you seem to be focusing on the wrong issue, the issue is not SS and how to discipline him. You are addressing the effect, not the cause.. the cause of the issue is your DH visiting his ex and creating an illusion of having two families.

Trust has nothing to do with it, sure you trust that he is not having sex with his ex, and he is not, but sex has nothing to do with it.
You know that what your DH is doing is extremely unhealthy and it is just plain and simple is abnormal, yet you put up with it and then blame wrong people. It is not SS's or ex's fault, it is DH's fault. At the end everyone suffers: SS, you, your other children, the only one happy is DH: he gets to divide his week between two households, and he is welcomed in both.

If that's OK with you then what's your question? You came here for advice, you got advice: DH has to stop going to ex's. But you keep defending your DH. Why would he stop going there if both wives allow it?

So I had it out with DH tonight and asked that he stopped going to his ex wife's and takes his son out instead and drops him off.....

I was greeted with hostility, excuses about cost and better for son to be at his home with his toys etc..., what does he do in winter time etc etc....

Had a MASSIVE row and are now not talking :-s

I dont think the point was to take son out but rather take son home (your and DH's home) and be a family. More family time together with everyone.

I agree with mom of 4, SS has to come home to his dad and dad's family. Taking him out is an example of a situation when a child must be seen on a neutral territory, sometimes it is necessary. Taking him out of course is better than seeing him at ex's, but why not bring him home? I don't get it.

Well it is too bad DH throws a fit and not talking to you, it is very telling. He is planning on keep going there in the winter, interesting, so he has no plans to change it. He is not even considering to make changes. How about marriage counselor?

Would he rather see marriage counselor or talk to your divorce lawyer? maybe you should ask that, maybe he does not realize how bizarre he acts, maybe he needs a neutral party to tell him.

I am sorry your DH is either clueless or is an a$$hole.

but why not bring him home?

Breakingpoint said SS is an hour away.

My SD's BM's BF would visit his kids at his exW's house during the week. He only had every other weekend visitation & would stop by on his way home from work to see them for a while. It never created an "illusion" that their parents were still together.. but the child may still consider them a "family" and rightfully so. They ARE a family. They are not a "together" family, but you cannot stop being a family. As long as the parents are clear with the children that the mom & dad are not together, not getting back together, are with other people, etc. but they are always going to be the child's family... then I think most kids understand, though they may not like it or accept it but they will understand. Making them visit dad only at his house is not going to make them accept it either.

Don't get me wrong. It may not be a good idea for dad to visit kids at mom's house... but it may not be a bad thing either. The only person that knows how the kids feel about it or what they think, is the kids. Many factors are going to contribute to how kids feel... personality, temperament, and influences. If mom cries every time dad leaves because she is still in love & hopes he is coming back, then the child sees that & reacts. If mom gets angry, kids react. They have a lot of reactions to things parents don't even realize they are picking up on. Without knowing specifics about the visits, it's probably not a good idea to advise on whether he should or shouldn't visit in mom's house.

The problem seems to certainly be with DH. Children behave the way they are allowed to by their parents. A BM may let or even encourage her children to disrespect a SM, but when dad ALLOWS it in his home, THAT is the problem. It has been a problem in my home. SD ignores me. DH tells her "that's not nice" but nothing changes. My son was rude to DH & I laid into him that he is not to treat my husband like that. I would not tolerate my kids to treat people badly.. not just my husband, but anyone.. even if I didn't like that person or agree with them. Children need to learn how to behave. If a teacher did something that I don't agree with and my children complained about the teacher, my answer was "he/she is the teacher & you must follow the rules/do the assignment/etc." That didn't mean I would not contact the teacher privately & discuss it, but I never confronted a teacher or anyone else in front of my kids. If your DH doesn't demand his child to behave or treat you appropriately, then in my opinion, that is the problem. He may feel guilty. He may not want his child to get upset at all when he's there because he's not there very often & wants it to be enjoyable.... but it's NOT enjoyable. If you are miserable & your other children are pinched or treated badly, that is bad for everyone. That is something your DH has to understand.

Already said he can't come here during week as it's an hour each way

The hour thing means little in my situation. It's an hour, big deal. If I and/or my DS were unwilling to drive an hour each way to see GS play his sports, attend cub scouts meetings, the father/son club and on and on, We'd be short changing GS and our own childhood experiences with him.

This DH has two children under 5 and another just about here. He knew this distance when he decided to reproduce three more children. SS comes weekends (I'll assume Friday evening thru Sunday afternoon) which only leaves Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evening...this Dad was going three nights a week, now one or two out of what, four nights? How does Dad consider this 'fair' to the three additional children he is reproducing. IMO these are things one thinks of before they keep reproducing and find themself in picking and choosing. Is there a reason the SM and 1/2 siblings can't be included on these hour away trips? This time of year picnic dinners could be served at the local parks with all the kids. Is there a reason the SS can't ride in a car for an hour? Think about it, Dad and son would have very personal one on one 'talk' time without any one else there or intruding during the ride. Some of my best moments with my 10 yr old GS are when it's just he and I going down the interstate early in the morning headed to take him back.

The whole hour thing is a big deal in my case.... My husband works Til 6, won't get to his son until 7 and back to ours for 8pm which is his bedtime and it's not feasible for him to stay due to husband starting work at 8am next day which means leaving here at 6am to drop son off for 7 and get back to start work at 8

Also my children go to bed at 6:30 and I'm not willing to stick them in a car and keep them up for that amount of time. Also might be worth mentioning I am unable to pick ss son up due to my own commitments. Just trying to explain the logistics for you. As for the whole time we relocated becuase of both our work a year ago and the distance doubled from 30 mins to 1hr

"Breakingpoint said SS is an hour away."

So children who live an hour away do not visit their parents in their houses? That's absolutely ridiculous. That's just an excuse. Once again if breaking-point enjoys this situation then why is she complaining here? If however situation is not working, it needs to change. But finding more excuses for DH's ridiculous behavior is not going to help it. Sound like DH enjoys visiting ex's house otherwise he would do everything possible to never go there.

Breaking point, I do not understand what are you asking here. Apparently everything your Dh is doing is just excellent because whatever we tell you, you defend him. So what exactly are you asking here?

My DH was/is an hour away also, Breaking...He used to do what your DH did, visit at the EX house because it saved him a 2 hour drive, rather than bring the kids back to his house..However, when I came along I did not find this one bit acceptable..,and the program changed to finding the time to fit visitation in at his place,or taking him out of exs to visit with them, in winter, they could sled, or skate, movies, or whatever ...Sounds like your DH is making excuses why he cant do this, it can work...Altho I cant stand the Ex, I have no trust issues with my DH either...Just seemed so wrong for him to be there....I feel she totally wanted to keep the playing house going....Wanted a part time husband around, this just didnt work for me....

Then, fine. Excuse, excuse, excuse. SO what then is the point in whining about 'breaking point' if you only want to 'vent' about the issue but not work something out to actually solve your unhappiness over it. You stick your kids to bed at 6:30 long before Dad comes home anyway so what does it matter that Dad is over playing house some where else? It does not 'work' for weekend visits at your house either to attempt to be a 'family' as you are planning to run hide with the other children and the SS has no idea your house is actually Dad's home. So when exactly do these second set of children see their father?

i wish my kids ever went to bed at 630. lol

Wow am so sorry you are going through this all being pregnant on top of everything. I do not think it'd right that your husband is going to his Ex's house to visit...that's a first for me. Why can't he take him out to eat or something but going to his Ex's house, I would not feel comfortable with that.our husband has to realize also that he has children at home WITH YOU. Having your husband going there may give your SS false hopes of them getting back together. He is getting older and is understanding the situation more, every child this age wants his/her parents to be together. I would say no way. As much as I would love to tell you things will change and get better. I really don't think so. Your husband needs to let your SS know he has to respect you, just like he respects his father.He is coming into your home these are the rules. If dad makes faces at you for being a parent, your SS will not take you seriously like your word means nothing. He knows his dad wil always be on his side in the end. You are his wife and have children with him,he needs to step it up big time. I probably have heard a million times the same old thing.... your the parent, it's just a faze, keep trying. It has been 6 years and the exuses keep adding up. The bottom line is were not the parent. We can only do so much to please...it's up to the bio parent to take charge. Not to blow you off in ant kind of way. Now your having your baby you don't need this stress. You have to find it in your heart what you want to really want to do. For the best interest of you and your babies. You don't deserve to be 2nd best. I think you should sit down with your husband and have a serious conversation with him. I wish you the best and congrats on your new baby:)

My DD went to bed very early but I have never heard of 6:30, what time would they get up then, 4AM?

"My husband works Til 6, won't get to his son until 7 and back to ours for 8pm which is his bedtime"

so why wouldn't he come home right after work and spend time with his young children (they don't need to be in bed at 6:30) and then bring his son home for the weekends. Is the reason he is not bringing son around because you said you cannot tolerate him and don't want to spend time together? Makes me wonder if that's why he goes to see his son at his ex? I reread your posts and it sounded to me that you don't want SS in your house?

It seems like a vicious cycle, dad spends evenings at his ex, SS acts out because he is put into this nonsense situation when mom and dad still playing house, then you don't want him aorund, now dad is forced to continue seeing him in his ex's house, SS becomes even more confused and behaves even worse. In a meanwhile 2 young children (soon to be 3)do not know their father because he spends time with his exwife. And you are ready to quit. So what is the solution?

Woah hang on a minute... I said the whole dfference means he cnt visit during the week not ever. He comes here every other weekend. I was merely explaining with work commitments whythe advice of bringing him here during the week as opposed to hubby going to his exs house doesn't work

My kids get up at 7 for your info. Their dad gets in at 6:05 and spends 25 minutes with them bathing bedtime stories etc and spends 55 minutes with them in the morning. Not that i am seeing why I need to explain all this. Their young and need their rest and the bedtime will lengthen with their age.

I'm not making excuses everytime I am trying to explain to you why the advise of week day visits here are not an option. Yes it would be great if he would take ss out but I can't force him.

As for me "running away" at weekends, I'm not going to deny it as things have got that bad I don't want to be here

Mommy08 - you seem to be the only one who understands my original problems

I would never ever allow my dh to spend time with my ss bm. EVER!!! I don't care what the reasoning is. I try my hardest to be with my dh anytime bm might be around. She's very very manipulative and has gotten my dh to do things I object to. I also don't like that she'll talk to him like they're best friends. They're not, period! My ss lived two hours away before we got custody. My dh never went and hung out with her. If he would've asked I would've said hell no!!

In the beginning my dh thought my ss was an absolute angel. He wouldn't discipline him at all. My son is only 7 months older and they were both babies. My son kinda got his babyhood taken from him because of it. I did a whole lot of yelling and screaming for awhile until dh finally got it through his head that no one wanted to put up with a bratty kid. Now I usually don't have to say anything because dh gets on him before I do. This was way before 8 years old though. Your dh is going to have to either lay down the law or you are.

Tell him it's your way or the highway. That sure sounds like the only way to get through to him.

--" it's not feasible for him to stay due to husband starting work at 8am next day which means leaving here at 6am to drop son off for 7 and get back to start work at 8"--

Pfft. Dads do all kinds of inconvenient things when they really want to see their children...afterall, it's Dad who moved even farther away. Oh, but that was for his convenience aka without thought to all the children. But if Dad has to drive SS he'd miss his 55 minutes in morning with his second set of children. Again, decisions, decisions.

If you intend to keep up this house playing and make excuses, then why not let Dad drive the 5 minutes from work home to your kids get in his 25 minutes (12 and a 1/2 minutes per kid) and then at 6:30 drive to BM's home? He'd be there by 7:30 and get 30 minutes with SS before that one goes to bed...SS still far ahead in nightly 'Dad Time' then the other two currently are. Then Dad drives home being there by 9pm and he can play husband to you until sleep time.

With that 'work out' though come September each of the second set of kids will be cut down to roughly 8 minutes per child each evening as there will be three of them.

Now, do you see how silly this is? Dad does not get to live the perfect father life and it does not get to be per his convinience... it's the reality of having a second family and coexisting with both sets of children, it's not going to be perfect for him or any of his children. He made that decision all by himself when he decided to have additional children...a remarriage and more children are fine, but it won't be convinient and perfect for Dad. Have you considered how many minutes per kid per how many households Dad will have if you do really 'break'.

I suppose we can't put all the blame on Dad though. You willingly admit that you don't want SS at your house. And no, no excusing 'it's gotten so bad' as you and Dad have allowed it to become so bad by not coming to some sensible work out long ago.

Maybe it's time to rethink the visitation schedule via court order. Maybe Dad needs his SS every weekend (or partial every weekend) so this guy can be a father to all his kids.

You totally lost me on how many of the Monday thru Thursday nights Dad is 'home' for his 12 and 1/2 minutes with each of your kids right now. I did get they see Dad 55 minutes each weekday morning while he gets up gets ready for work, fills his face, and dashes out the door. I suppose if they're lucky they might get a few minutes of 'hi kid, hope you have a great day' and maybe even a hug before Dad dashes off. Guess he can always tell them he'll really see them and spend a bit more time with him every other weekend when they aren't hiding from their 1/2 brother.

What's going to happen if BM decides it's time to move on and remarry or have a SO? How will her new mate feel about Dad dropping in one, two, three times a week?

breaking point, if everything is so great then what was your original question? both you and your DH created ridiculous situation for what FOUR children now, yet you keep finding excuses. what is your point then?

mom of 3, I and my ex do get along and neither one is crazy, but spending regular time at each other houses is NO NO. Special occasions of some sort maybe. Even if my ex was so stupid as to come visit me few times a week, i doubt his wife would allow it, and in fact I would feel horrible for her and wouldn't condone him mistreating his wife as such. How does that look: Me and ex are playing house while his new wife and 3 young kids sit home alone.

Yes justmetoo eventually BM would find a man and start dating or even get married and all of this would stop right away because no one allows such thing.

If the reason dad goes to ex's is because you do not allow SS at your house, then how is it working for you?